Derry, Northern Ireland

Derry, Northern Ireland
A book I'm working on is set in this town.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I have no control over my life...

Some inner part of my brain does. Literally. I may decide I'm going to do something, but if that one little section of said brain don't agree...it don't happen. I want to go out for a nice dinner? No way. Get sidetracked on this or that instead. Read a book? Forget it. You need to do research online. Stupid things like that.

Therefore -- I spent the last few days writing a short story instead of letting my batteries recharge, as I intended...and it drained me. Last night night I finished a first draft...a very rough first draft, 4400 words...of a little piece titled "Desert Land" and when I was done I felt a bit crazed, both emotionally and physically. Like I'd been punched in the chest. I may have been on the verge of a panic attack or something because it was nearly 11pm and I was pacing the floor. I wound up putting on some Enigma and turning out the lights and just letting the music take over. I've never had that sensation, before...and honestly don't want to, again.

Of course, it's a pretty intense little story...and I honestly don't know if I'll be able to share it with the world. I used the worst year of my life as its basis -- the year I spent in El Paso, Texas which built up such a hatred of that city, I will not stop there when I drive between LA and San Antonio. One year I even went the I-40 route, to the north to avoid it. So I still have to think about this. And think. And think.

What's even funnier is, I'd intended to write about this time in boy scouts when I was 12 and stupidly gave the assistant scout master a compliment in front of the other guys. I wasn't in scouts much longer, mostly at their request...though to be honest, I was just about to have to go up for my swimming merit badge so I could advance to Scout First Class, and I can't swim. Still can't. So maybe I was already backing away from it all.

That's me...backing through life.

6 comments:

Writer said...

Amazing post. Sometimes you have to let what you are doing burn you up. I'm like that when I write as well.

JamTheCat said...

Thanks!

Brad Rushing said...

You should learn to swim! It's not hard and it's great fun. And besides it sounds like something you need to work through.

Brad Rushing said...

I am really intrigued by the passion in your short. I hope you decide to share it.

JamTheCat said...

We'll see, Brad. Right now it's still a bit too freaky...but I usually calm down and let my work out, once I get some distance. Even the rough tuff. We'll have to see. At this moment, it's not in any sort of condition to be read, anyway. but thanks for the support.

Michael said...

It's ok I can't swim either. Or even float. I would drown in five feet of water. Hope you decide to share this short story with the world sometime. Call me intrigued.