Twelve solid hours at the office...and for half the day I was thinking it was Wednesday. I didn't realize till 8pm today's Mardi Gras...not that I celebrate it but it's still fun to think about. But now I've got a nice headache and got nothing done on A65 and tomorrow promises more of the same.
It seems as soon as I push to work on something I like, crap pops us to push me away from it. I'm ready to finish A65 and doing that has become a fight. I';m sure some of my issues are self-inflicted; I'm like many writers who slide into procrastination tactics to keep from facing the creation of a new world. But now I have Adam's story at a point where polishing and honing is all it needs because the heavy carving's done...so nothing but stupid crap is what's kicking me down.
So I wind up whining like a brat, which achieves nothing. I guess I've got my habits too ingrained to change anything, at this stage of my life, and one of them is messing around till the work comes together despite me then trying to make it perfect in too short a time so I have excuses for my lack of craft or attention to detail or something. Now I let anything that happens appears be a hinderance.
Damn, I'm tired of that. I keep saying I'll change but I don't. I'll just keep meandering along and pulling the story-cart behind me in fits and starts and get there eventually. And try to make sense of my own insensibility. And laziness. And avoidance.
At the end of next month, it will be 16 years since Brendan started walking with me. 16 years since he let me know who he was and kicked a shallow childish idea out of my head, regarding him. That's how long I've been circling his story...and it's finally become too much for me to avoid, anymore.
Actually, right now I'm tired and don't know if I'm making any sense. I may pull back to 4 days a week instead of 5, at my next birthday. Make that extra day one where I focus more on Bren and less on me.
That'd be interesting.
It seems as soon as I push to work on something I like, crap pops us to push me away from it. I'm ready to finish A65 and doing that has become a fight. I';m sure some of my issues are self-inflicted; I'm like many writers who slide into procrastination tactics to keep from facing the creation of a new world. But now I have Adam's story at a point where polishing and honing is all it needs because the heavy carving's done...so nothing but stupid crap is what's kicking me down.
So I wind up whining like a brat, which achieves nothing. I guess I've got my habits too ingrained to change anything, at this stage of my life, and one of them is messing around till the work comes together despite me then trying to make it perfect in too short a time so I have excuses for my lack of craft or attention to detail or something. Now I let anything that happens appears be a hinderance.
Damn, I'm tired of that. I keep saying I'll change but I don't. I'll just keep meandering along and pulling the story-cart behind me in fits and starts and get there eventually. And try to make sense of my own insensibility. And laziness. And avoidance.
At the end of next month, it will be 16 years since Brendan started walking with me. 16 years since he let me know who he was and kicked a shallow childish idea out of my head, regarding him. That's how long I've been circling his story...and it's finally become too much for me to avoid, anymore.
Actually, right now I'm tired and don't know if I'm making any sense. I may pull back to 4 days a week instead of 5, at my next birthday. Make that extra day one where I focus more on Bren and less on me.
That'd be interesting.
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