Derry, Northern Ireland

Derry, Northern Ireland
A book I'm working on is set in this town.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Lunch with family...

Namely sister and sister-in-law to lay the privilege of dealing with my mother on their shoulders since I'll be living 1600 miles away. It's both a relief and a worry, because I've been living with mom the last 15 months and catering to her while they both have homes of their own well north of town so will have to make time to come help her. But it is what it must be. I'm broke and I need the job.

Last night I spent going over RIHC6v2's second section, smoothing it and trying to better understand where it's going, and wound up cutting a little. I have a tendency to repeat the same information in a couple of ways within a couple of pages and have to be careful not to let that sneak past my rewrites. It's like, I work in the action or explanation then go a bit then think, "Y'know, I really need to clarify this a bit" and wind up rewording it and forgetting I've already added that info in. I do the same on my blog, explaining things I've already explained in earlier posts. It appears my short-term memory is now -- and probably never was anything but -- extinct.

Of course, that can be an excellent coping mechanism -- having no short-term memory. I think that's the only reason I still have a couple of people as friends...or why I considered them friends for so long. They'd do or say something to hurt me, I'd back away, after a while I'd settle down, they'd suggest a get-together and things would be like they were before. Same for family, though that carries the extra complication of blood-linkage.

Unless I'm cut too deep. One friend of mine shredded a script I'd asked him to read. Just plain destroyed it to where I couldn't even work on rewriting it -- hell, write anything, he came so close to destroying my belief in my writing ability. I couldn't even talk to him for over a year, it shook me so much. His wife basically arranged for us to be on speaking terms, again, and he claimed the reason he'd been so rough was he "felt I was capable of better" than what I'd done -- but I didn't really believe him. And actually tested him a couple of times and found he still had a tendency to cut and slash, so I stepped away. We HAVE been friends for too long just to sever the relationship, but it's better kept at a distance.

Something even worse happened with family on my mother's side...jeez, 23 years ago. They asked me to come visit for a few days so I flew up -- and it turned out they wanted to verify stories they'd heard about me being gay. And after I acknowledged it, told me they were afraid of me giving them AIDS. I'm HIV negative, but they didn't believe me. One cousin's wife didn't even want me in their house. I was so wrecked by it all, I haven't seen them or talked to them, since. The last couple of years they've been sending out hints they'd like to reconcile, but there is no way in hell that's gonna come about. I don't trust them.

I think that's why Antony's so hard-assed and unforgiving -- he's expressing a side of my character I hate for people to see in me, because in reality that's an expression of weakness. I'd rather be like Jake -- strong enough to handle it on my own terms or face it down, head on. Ah, fiction we either build the lives we wish we led or rewrite the lives we fear we lead. Being completely schizophrenic, I think I'm doing both at the same time with this book.

Typical, me wanting it all.

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