Derry, Northern Ireland

Derry, Northern Ireland
A book I'm working on is set in this town.

Thursday, February 29, 2024

Jeremy returns from Israel...

It's 1974 and Brendan has a new low-key job after crippling a cop while at work at The Colonel's. This is from chapter 18, Compatriot. Jeremy was during the Yom Kippur war, dragged into the IDF. He was home for a little while, during Hanukkah, and Brendan could already see, even then, the fighting had affected him, deeply.

-----

Late in June, Jeremy returned to Houston from the kibbutz and his family held a Welcome Home party for him, inviting all of his friends and the whole of my Houston family. 

It was on a Sunday and I was supposed to go with them, but I'd zipped over to the shop to check a grinding noise I'd heard from the rear wheel of my Montesa; Rene gave me the okay to do it, now they trusted me. Turned out Hugo was there, as well, changing the oil on his latest girlfriend's car. So we'd chatted and I'd been late and called to tell Aunt Mari I'd meet them there. 

Well, as I rode up, Jeremy came bursting out of the house, crying, "You got a bike!" Then he all but danced around it, still chattering, "It's a Montesa! I never even heard of these till I got to Israel. Lots of guys have 'em--well, bikes like this. Rockin' all over Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, riding two or three on 'em, even. So cool! When'd you get it?! Can we go on a ride?" 

He sat on it before I had the chance to respond. So I just slipped my helmet on him, hopped in front and took him for a spin down the block and around. To say I was on alert for anything that might cause an accident is to put it simply. I resolved to get a second helmet to have on hand. 

Jeremy wrapped his arms around my waist, to start, then stretched them out as if he were flying. 

"Lots of soldiers ride bikes like this," he called as we zipped along, his voice breathless. I didn't bother to mention he'd already said as much. "Two on each, zipping along. Alive and carefree." 

"Am I not the first to carry you on one?" I called back. 

"Naw. Not even the twenty-third or fourth. Yossi and I rode from Eliat to Jerusalem on his MotoTrans. This bike's a lot more comfy." 

"I'm liking it." 

"When'd you get it?" 

"A few month back. Off an airman returned to the States. Needed some tender care." 

"She runs great." 

"You want a turn at the handlebars?" 

He hesitated then said, "No, no, I never drove one. Just rode. Just rode." 

By this point, we were back at the house, so I stopped on the driveway. He hopped off and removed the helmet, and as I sat the bike to park, I saw a haunted, guarded look fill his eyes. 

"Good idea to use a helmet," he said, his voice distant and-- 

Danny started away then turned to look at me and said, "Don't blame me, Bren." Then he vanished into the mist and-- 

Jeremy's voice was soft and hollow, like his had been, as he continued, "Never know when you might take a-a-a spill. Or you-you never know what, and--" 

Danny looked at me as he was getting in the car, his eyes wide with shock and anger and-- 

"Jeremy!" 

We both jumped. It was his mother calling, from the door. "Where've you been. Everybody's looking for you!" 

"Yeah, mom," he called. "Right there." Then he cast me a sad smile and said, "Thanks," before he ran inside. 

I hesitated then slipped a fresh pack of Marlboros in my back pocket and followed him in. I had a feeling one particular cigarette in it would come in very handy, later.

Was this a massive affair! There was barbecue in every form imaginable, both in the house and on the patio. Baked potatoes. Ears of corn. Steaming bowls of beans. Salads and casseroles and desserts and breads and muffins, all well dug into. Once I saw it, I was put in mind of Da's wake and wasn't so sure how to work my way around it. 

Through the night I saw that no matter where Jeremy was, he was thronged by people. Talking. Laughing. His hand being shaken over and over and over. 

Now perhaps it was because I hadn't seen him since Christmas--or to be honest with myself, had ever really known him--but to me he seemed...I don't know how to put it...even though he was there in body, he was really elsewhere. Changed even more, from Hanukkah. Quieter. Careful. And there was one moment when I caught him looking at me and I smiled back, but I caught hints of horror in his eyes. 

An expression I'd seen far too often, in Derry. 

He was dealing with some terror from the Yom Kippur war and was trying to put it aside in honor of the celebration, for he'd come home without injury. To his body, at least. And his mother was beside herself with joy. No need for a strange Irish lad to make a wreck of that. 

He was given pride of place throughout the night. His uncle, a charming man closely resembling him but near bald, drove in from Austin with his family of three daughters. Jeremy was even shown deference by his father, and his two brothers and sister. But he never rose above this quiet, careful calm. 

As the night wore on, I found it more and more troubling. Like at Da's wake, everyone talked about his greatness and glory in ways that seemed unreal. Refusing even a word that might be contrary to their praise. 

Finally, I had to get off to myself in corner of the back yard. Get away from the ghosts surrounding me. 

I knew that I'd been fortunate in that none of my close friends had been killed in the battles around Derry. Nothing till that bloody fucking bomb. Before that, so many I'd known--well, was acquainted with--had been. People who vanished from your thoughts the moment they no longer lived. Who counted only as memories, anymore. And my melancholy rose at knowing I was, effectively, one of them. 

That simple lad, Brendan, gone and soon forgotten. 

Another ghost of the many in Ireland.

Wednesday, February 28, 2024

Pause

Last night was shit. Didn't sleep well. Up and down. Waking with a neck that was out to kill me, probably thanks to a cold front blowing in. I've got psoriatic arthritis in the left shoulder and neck. Had planned to go out and buy new shoes as well as drop off my invoice to Caladex, but stayed in and grumped my way through the day.

I don't do insomnia. Not part of my repertoire. So on the rare occasions where it hits, I turn into a beast. Don't want to talk to anybody. See anybody. I just want to huddle and be to myself. Eat like shit. Drink too much DPZ. Feel sorry for me and my life.

I halfway wonder if part of this is because Brendan's backing away from an important part of NWFO. He's bitching at me that I imposed it upon him and threatening to...well...I don't know what. He's just being irritating. We're in the middle of draft six, it's been part of every other draft, and he's just now letting me know he's not happy about it?

Meaning I'll have to rewrite an entire chapter and find new motivation for other actions down the line. Just what I needed--more work.

I'm also feeling overwhelmed, financially. Auto insurance has bumped up by 15%. I owe over $1200 in taxes. APoS-Derry isn't selling very well. The world political situation is careening towards catastrophe and chaos. And I'm tired of fighting with amazingly stupid people, online. Not just MAGAts but some progressives who have a black and white view of how things should be. I think I better stop social media, for a while.

Then I learned episode 1 of the new season of Vera was available. It hadn't been so very good, the last few seasons, so I wasn't sure I was going to ignore it....until I realized that her initial partner, David Leon as Joe Ashworth, was coming back. Fired up the Britbox and watched the show...and it was lovely.

Doesn't hurt that I have a crush on David Leon and used him to help me build Joss in The Beast in the Nothing Room. A villain who's not a villain in a story that has an impossible killer who isn't a killer...

I'm really fucking proud of how that story turned out. Patting self on back did a lot to help my aches and pains.

Tuesday, February 27, 2024

14 chapters done, 20 to go...

 It's funny, but working on APoS-NWFO is helping me with my blood pressure. I got into some back and forth with a couple MAGAts on Twitter, managing to keep my temper and basically mocking them, but when I tested my BP it was 182/100 w/88. NOT good, very red zone.

So I stopped, went to the bank, got some eggs and guacamole, tried to find a copy of Vanity Fair's Hollywood edition, and came home. Then had dinner, and worked on a couple more chapters. And I took it, again, just a bit ago and it's down to 155/100 w/80. Not good but not in the red zone.

I really should go walking. That always does make me feel better and opens my mind more. I just need new shoes.

Anyway, these chapters are when Brendan meets Everett, a gay graphic artist for a grocery store chain in Houston. Scott wants to show off how he and Jeremy, his best friend, used to sneak into gay bars to drink, when underage. He drags Bren to Montrose and into an old house made over into a gay bar, where it turns out they're having a drag show.

Brendan's nervous and Everett notices so becomes protective of him. Scott winds up too drunk to drive and Brendan is not sure where they are, so Everett drives them home to River Oaks and becomes a fixture in Brendan's life.

A very supportive fixture. He's got a crush on him, but with Brendan being 17 doesn't even think of stepping over the line. And Brendan doesn't care about him being gay. Unfortunately, it's going to lead him to some painful understandings about his family, hypocrisy, and intolerance.

Monday, February 26, 2024

Left, right or straight ahead?

Brendan's getting into a touch of philosophy, now. It's at the time of the Houston serial killings committed by Dean Corll, and the city being obsessed by it. Even the B-girls have an opinion, and think it kept happening because the boys being murdered were poor and no one in law enforcement cared about them.

Scott's trying to find a reason for it, so talks to Brendan as they're by the pool behind the house...

-----

"You're friends for years," Scott said, "then one day you get taken to a party and it becomes--hope you don't mind if we tie you to a board, torture you and kill you, for fun. Then you're never seen, again. I don't get it. How can you do that to somebody you know? Known most of your life?" 

I said nothing. Just thought of Da going out to tell his stories and sing his songs and get paralytic, as usual. Full intent to come home to a row with Ma. Instead, joined with some men who offered him more of the devil's brew, but really saw him as nothing but a toy to be torn apart. That they swore they hadn't mean for it to go that far was a lie. They'd dumped his body and run off to hide, hoping they wouldn't be caught out. 

But they were. And they'd wept and cried and moaned, over and over, things just got carried away. As pure a lie as ever was told, yet still accepted by those in power. 

It was the same on Bloody Sunday. So many had doubted the Paras had run up aiming to kill anyone, really, but they had. They were loaded with real bullets. Fourteen dead for no cause, no matter what that lying Widgery Report claimed. He hadn't seen the faces of the paras as they gunned people down. Hadn't witnessed the joyful gleam in their eyes as a bullet tore apart a fellow human being who was running from them. Once they'd begun their slaughter, they dove into it. And at that point, it was just bad luck to be in the way of a bullet a soldier was firing because he could. The reasons...the excuses, those could come later. 

For everyone had their excuses, and they'd be different for every person who flips from friend to foe. Protector to killer. It assumes they actually put thought into their course of action instead of just rolling along with it all. Not knowing where it will end until it's ended.

What did strike me was the arbitrariness of it. The men who killed my Da could have taken any of a dozen others, but he's the one they stumbled upon. And on Bloody Sunday, standing five feet to the left or right might have saved your life, for nothing else would have. If that para aiming for me had fired a moment later, I'd not be here, myself. It was all just luck of the draw. 

Like with that bomb. If I'd kept Joanna at the back of her Da's shop fr two more minutes, she might have survived. If I'd stayed there to wait for her, she might still have been caught by the blast but I wouldn't have, and I might have been able to get in and save her. It was just the arbitrariness of everything that most affected me. 

If Father Jack had been our priest instead of Father Devil, would Danny have taken the mantle instead of growing cold and angry, over the years? If it hadn't been Father Devil there to-to-to use him in ways I still was unsure about, would he have--Jesus, would he still have joined with the IRA? Been willing to set that bomb? I could work myself in circles thinking about the what-ifs. 

The one good thing about that madness was how it cut away my fears that part of the reason they targeted that shop was for me being with Joanna. That I was the link in the final decision to hit them. That they found out I was heading over to see her, one last time, and they feared I was passing along information so set out to stop it. That they decided to protect themselves in a way most hideous. I could finally see that was nonsense. 

Her father was high in the UVF, so he could have been a target at any time. Any Protestant like him would have been slated for destruction, thanks what their groups had done to Catholics. To my own father.  So I could finally accept it wasn't me who lit the fuse that killed her. It had nothing to do with me. It was just chance. Only circumstance for it to happen at that particular moment. Just rotten luck of the draw. Mine and hers. 

Ours. 

Like those lads now dead. All for no real reason. 

I finally had to tell Scott, "You ask for explanations when there aren't any. Things happen, and all you can do is hope they don't happen to you." 

"No, there has to be a reason," Scott snapped. "For them to suddenly start taking friends and others they knew to their deaths. Kids younger than me. Brothers. Families destroyed." 

"It may be nothing more than a pair of selfish bastards out for a bit of money." 

"C'mon, Bren, people ain't that greedy. Shit. I bet it was the idea of having the control of life or death over somebody else. A way of showing who owns who, and nobody owns me. It's not like they had that much of a future in store for 'em." 

Oh, God, that bloody crap, again. That would never happen in River Oaks. He was going to worry this like a dog with a bone. Like Angus and his rawhide toy. Keep at it till there was nothing left and he needed something to replace it.

Sunday, February 25, 2024

The great thing about Word...

Microsoft Word can be a pain in the ass, sometimes, but one great thing about it is the ability to cut and paste so easily. I'm doing a lot of that in this run-through, making the flow of the story smoother and tighter and less cluttered with nonsense.

I dumped a lot of Brendan's angst-y chatter and focused on the emotions of the moment and his general confusion. Which shifted to him deciding it was time to rebuild his life. Mainly because he has a near breakdown when the B-girls sneak into his room as he's taking a shower.

He comes out of the bathroom to find them on his bed, and they start drilling him with questions about Joanna. They'd seen the tattoo on his left shoulder and want to know who she is. It sends him crashing back to the bombing and the horror he'd witnessed, and he howls for them to get out of his room.

Their response? This is our house. You're just a guest, so we can go where we want.

He finds out they've snuck in several times and collapses into near hysterics from the anger and the memories slashing at him. He has to slam into the bathroom to keep from hurting them. He's there for hours trying to calm down. Doesn't have his heart medication. Nothing. It's not until night begins to fall and he knows the stars will soon be out that he begins to calm down.

He dresses and goes downstairs to tell his aunt and uncle he cannot live there. His door has no lock, and he does not feel safe. Aunt Mari and Uncles Sean convince him not to leave by saying he can move into the pool house. Scott's in there, now, so has to return to his room. Which makes him very unhappy.

But due to the fact that he was willing to leave and fend for himself, Brendan feels he's made the first step in rebuilding his life.

Saturday, February 24, 2024

Here and there...

I'm through chapter 7 of NWFO and the word count, which got up to 145,200 is down to 144,400. I'm finding a lot of repetition--or really, being overly emphatic about a detail-- that needs to go. Much of which I'd left in because I wanted to make sure I had those points made, but now it's cut and slash.

It helps that Brendan's now fully aware of his second identity as a lad of the South and keeping to it, as best he can. Mainly because by doing so he's helping to protect his family. He's still torn between the pain of being cut off from those in Derry and the joy of knowing he can rebuild his life in a way he chooses, without interference from anyone.

He thinks.

But his aunt and uncle are still not being forthright about his status in the country...at least, not beyond the acknowledgement that he'll need to get another extension on his medical visa and they aren't sure if that's possible. He's been in Houston just over six months, during which a new Visa law was passed regarding immigration. I'm still trying to figure out the limitations on that, if any, regarding coming to the US for medical treatment.

Meaning his situation is still up in the air, somewhat. Especially since the paperwork was handled in a less than legal manner, for US Customs purposes. That's why his aunt and uncle want him to stay close to their home and not do anything that might cause trouble.

But our Brendan, he goes his own way.

Friday, February 23, 2024

Brendan begins to understand...

I got through chapter five of NWFO and Aunt Mari has told Brendan he's not himself, anymore. He was brought over from the South of Ireland as a third cousin with a heart condition, for treatment by a specialist in cardiology. He's now on medication and his heart is much better. But it's still a shock and causes him to black out. He knocks his head, has blood on his shirt, but he's got an appointment with the doctor so goes upstairs to change.

-----

It wasn't till I reached the stairs to that attic room that my mind could focus on something like turning on the light in the stairwell so I could see. And turning left at the top before grabbing the handle on my door, to open it. No latch, so no key needed. The B-girls at school so no need for the chairs under the knobs. Just wander into the center of the dusty light. 

And there I stood still for a moment. Used a wooden chair to steady myself. Give my heart a chance to catch up to me. My head a chance to stop throbbing, at least a little. 

Everything about the room was the same as but an hour or so, ago, but now it was alien. Not Brendan's temporary abode, but the hideaway of an unknown lad named Bren. The bed unmade and staying so. A book half-read on the table, beside it. An ashtray half full. An empty cigarette packet next to it, with a folding book of matches. 

Those had been Brendan's, I thought. 

But no, they couldn't have been. They were Bren's, only. What else could that mean? 

I managed to half-stumble into the bath and hold myself before the mirror to check my wound. It was a nasty cut, still seeping a bit of blood. Some had trailed down my face and over my cheek. But then, I’d gotten worse from Da. 

Who was not my Da, now. 

A knot was already beginning to form, and there was nothing I could do to hide it. If I'd still had my old hair, I could have. But why did I care? I'd never made excuses for Da or Ma, over my injuries...except-- 

I was lying on the divan and told the ambulance attendant my bruising was because I'd fallen down the stairs, and he didn't believe me and-- 

I covered my eyes. The explanation Aunt Mari had offered to my family here--who was not my aunt, now, but a-a-a cousin? Did I understand that right? It almost seemed like no explanation had even been offered. Was that why I was only Bren and not Brendan, here for a doctor's care? Or merely a mad lad who's too-too sad? 

Oh, Christ, I couldn't keep my thoughts straight.  It was all I could do to think about washing my face and sticking some toilet tissue to the blood, to help it clot better. Faster. Something. Before pulling on a fresh button up shirt from the wardrobe. 

It's funny. This time when I looked at my old boots--boots that had cut deep into me but a few hours before--they were no longer my boots. Is that why I felt nothing at seeing them? 

The room was back to shifting under and around me, so I collapsed against the bed. Put the cloth of ice back to the cut. I noticed the hole in the jeans stained with blood, but it was so little, I hated even the thought of trying to change them. Instead, I just sat there and let my new world spin around me. 

I was now some lad from God only knew where who'd apparently seen his Da die and gone off his head. 

One of the men in suits said, in veddy-veddy British, "Yes, medical reports seem in order." 

"Immigration, too. His visa..." 

In Uncle Sean's voice? Still naught but flashes and nothing more. Nothing more to matter. 

Except I was banished. Cut off. Not merely from Ma and my brothers and sisters, but from the whole of Ireland. And it had been done to-to-to protect me? To protect my family? 

 "He belongs in a grave!" 

"You do that and I'll make your life hell!" 

"But he was there to warn his Proddy tart!" 

No! No. Anyone who knew me knew I never carried tales. I might have taken Joanna away from there to keep her safe, but nothing more. 

Oh, God, that returned to the understanding of what I could have done to keep her from being hurt. Which led into knowing, deep within understanding, that were her Da to be killed by PIRA or OIRA or any member of the alphabet she-she-she would have banished me. 

And that would have destroyed me. 

But even so--without question, I'd not have deliberately ruined the operation. 

I-I-I don't think I would have. 

But here I was in the minds of those who counted, connected to it in some way. Not by any who knew me. Never by any of them. Just luck of the draw, is all. 

Then how could the British have even known I was there, if I was carried off? How could they have known it was me caught in the bombing? In all that chaos? Could someone have heard me call to Danny, then added two and two? Were just the rumors about Joanna and myself all the evidence needed to link me to the bombing? Had they found my letters to her and come sniffing around for more Catholics to blame? Is that why my absence had been kept to the simplest explanation? That I'd already left to the South to find work? Or Scotland? Or London, where it would be easy to disappear? 

See, Brendan Kinsella couldn't be part of what happened. He wasn't here, so no need to waste your time, on him. 

Then where is he? 

How can anyone know what he was planning in that quiet head of his? 

A response anyone who knew anything about me would have acknowledged, to the peelers or the Brits. 

Was that why I'd been rebirthed? Seek him out, yourself, for the good it'll do you. And so what if never he's found? I'd been permanently vanished. 

Now that my head was returning to me, it was obvious that was more the reason because-- 

"He belongs in a shallow grave." 

"For what? Just bein' there?" 

"Seeing his Proddy tart, probably warnin' her." 

"How could he, when he didn't know?" 

"Then why was he there? Right then?" 

Christ, that made too bloody much sense. That's what they'd been considering. Arguing about. Just vanishing me. I was bad hurt but couldn't be taken to Altnagelvin for treatment. I was a liability and the smartest move would be to finish me off but-- 

Ma pressed a pillow over my head and I let her and it would all be fine but Danny pulled her back as she snarled, "Isn't this what you want?! Kill a lad who did nothin' to yous?" 

Nothing. Except exist. 

The swirling madness in my head was slowing down and I could see that, now. It came to me not so much in a flash as just, He's a danger to the cause and needs to be neutralized. It's gone or a grave. Just the way it has to be. And the story would remain the same--

He left and we don't know where. 

To help it, my note to Ma was in my poor handwriting, as would be easy to prove by notes I'd made at McCloskey's and from school. So no matter what, Brendan Kinsella could not legally be connected to what happened. Especially if one of them had used my passport to leave the country. It would have to be checked through at some point, wouldn't it? Unless I was to have remained in the UK. Off the train at Belfast. Ferry to Stranraer. Gone to London. Liverpool. Glasgow. 

"But you're nowhere, Brendan, so it's of no matter." Said aloud, possibly by me. 

I shrank a little. It now amazed me that I was still living.

Thursday, February 22, 2024

Sixth Official Draft Begins...

Over the last two days I've dug into 3 chapters in A Place of Safety-New World For Old -- Nothing Things, Breaking the Surface, Moving On. Aside from some minor reconfiguring in the placement of moments, everything in is there that should be. Brendan joins reality, again, thanks to eating a tuna fish sandwich and having a coke. It's slow, but he begins to connect with his cousins and forces his way out of his shell.

It is a bit like watching a butterfly breaking free of its cocoon then staggering about, flexing its wings before it flies off. Everyone's being very low-key and casual. He doesn't know how he wound up at his aunt's place, yet, or that her children think he's a third or fourth cousin from the South of Ireland.

I've tried to keep the writing as much like someone waking from a deep dream as possible. And the way he finally does fully rouse himself is to be drawn outside the house, still in his pajama bottoms, only, and fix a car his uncle needs. That startles the man, who said his mother never told them he was capable of things like that. Brendan's response is, She thinks me simple. Then he goes back inside to make a sandwich, for himself.

There's a certain flow to the story that Brendan has laid down for me. And maintaining reality and honesty is my problem, not his. A real dilemma. But since it's all from his perspective, I have some leeway.

One constant will be conflict over his best friends, Colm and Danny putting the car bomb where it was. He wonders if Joanna's father's shop was chosen because of him. He beats himself up for not keeping her at the back door, when he came to say goodbye before leaving Derry. He fears his passport may have put a target on the back of his brother, Eamonn.

Lots of turmoil in him, even as he's fighting to regain his footing in this world and maintain a semblance of sanity. One more draft and maybe I'll ask for feedback and proofing.

Wednesday, February 21, 2024

This is my new anthem...

 I made it through the first night of writing my Irish opus and this reaches deep into my soul, at the moment...

Made me strong enough to face the next night, and the one to come with volume three of A Place of Safety.

Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Repetition for a use?

I have two separate spots in NWFO there Brendan is told how he was brought across to Houston after the bombing. My initial thought was to cut one...but now I'm thinking I'll just change them, a bit. The first one's being told by Aunt Mari prior to Brendan being seen by a cardiologist. The second by Mairead when she comes down from Toronto to visit, with her family. That's 3 years after Aunt Mari's version.

I need to solidify this and make it believable. Brendan was badly hurt by the explosion, so the most logical thing to do would be for him to die and be buried, in secret. It can't be known he was there, a Catholic lad near a Protestant's shop just before a bomb goes off. It would like the attack to his family and into the leadership of PIRA,, so he has to be done away with.

It's Colm who scrambles to get Bernadette and she pushes back against him dying, hard. Something else he doesn't understand, since he thinks she hates him. I've already had him work out how the bomb was transported and set, and that it was just bad luck that it blew early. If all had gone according to plan, Brendan would have ben on the train to Dublin and Joanna nowhere near the shop.

This feeds into his growing belief that we only have the illusion of control over our lives, and that shit happens to everyone, no matter how careful you might be. I had a bit of this in Bobby Carapisi, where Eric tracks down another man who was raped by Alan and his buddies and finds him at peace with what happened. His comment on how he chose to be that way instead of angry and bitter stemmed from a therapist who told him...

If you're driving to work but get broadsided by a drunk and wind up hurt and hospitalized, are you going to sit around and mope and cry and curse your fate? Or are you going to call work, tell them what happened, get yourself healed, realize it was not your fault, and rebuild your life?

It helped Eric grow a bit more understanding about his situation and begin to listen to Alan's version of his attacks...and slowly come to realize the man is just as damaged as he is. With that understanding, he began to heal.

I'm not doing that with Brendan. Not even sure it will be his final understanding. But it's a good stepping stone across a rushing brook.

Monday, February 19, 2024

Good thing about the internet...

You can find anything you want, practically. When Brendan is working on that Peugeot, I want him to go into as much detail as possible, showing how deep he gets into things when he's doing a repair. So I checked to see if I could find a Chilton's Auto Repair Guide for one...and did. Through Ebay.

Not sure how this will work out, yet, but it's opened up a lot in that area of the story. Brendan made friends at a rooming house he moved into, when he cut off his aunt and uncle, and they become like his family. What helps is, one of the tenants is a language maven who can learn languages with no trouble.

His name is Eldon and he's got emotional troubles, so is on disability. Very shy. Very quiet. Very unsure. But when Brendan mentions his younger brother, Rhuari, is learning Gaelic, Eldon learns it in a flash and Brendan gets the two of them corresponding in the language.

It's through Eldon and those letters Brendan keeps up with his Derry family. He learns Rhuari's set up at Queen's University, in Belfast, is married, and they're living with his wife's aunt. That his little sister, Maeve, is beginning training as a nurse. And that Rhuari's soon to be a father. He's also working in a late night convenience store so is vulnerable to Protestants going after him.

But Brendan also gathers enough from the letters that Maeve has connections within the IRA and they've made deals with the UVF to help each other's protection rackets. If this store's paying us, leave them alone and we'll do the same for you. And Rhuari's working at one that's paying. So he's somewhat protected.

Until Uncle Sean demands Brendan return to live at their home. Brendan refuses, preferring to live off on his own. The man winds up threatening to get Rhuari killed if he doesn't, which sends Brendan into a clash of fear and fury.

The man wants this because someone's notified the FBI that Brendan's an illegal alien and they're after him to talk with him. Which Uncle Sean does not want because it will hurt his businesses, so he's using his connections to stop that and make Brendan a legal resident. But that won't work unless he's available. And the only way they can make sure he's available is if he's living in the pool house.

It's a bit convoluted, but next draft I hope to simplify and clarify.

I hope to...

Sunday, February 18, 2024

Getting there...

I'm expanding a section of APoS-NWFO, where Brendan find his way back to himself by repairing an old Peugeot 404 convertible. It's in a junkyard where he gets parts for his Montesa motorbike and is just wasting away. He convinces the owner of the yard to let him exchange fixing it up for parts for his bike. His main intent is to save money...but he gets deep into it and for a few hours a few days a week, it's like he's found a moment of peace.

He already knows his mother has cancer and is being dragged to treatments by his sister, Maeve. But word is, it's going well. He tells himself he doesn't care. He's been proclaimed dead and thought it would be a relief to be cut off from the family, only it's not really working out that way. Though he won't admit it to himself. He still keeps up with everyone in every way he can.

Meanwhile, his uncle has shown hostility to him and wants him gone, but cannot send him away until he's no longer a legal threat to the Houston family. He overstayed his medical visa by a year, so would be deported if caught. Even worse--he was brought into the US on a false passport, and its date has expired. So it's useless. They have to go through the whole mess of working up another to replace it, and that is taking time. But it's that or all kinds of legal hell.

So it's rebuilding that car that brings Brendan his feeling of zen. As Joanna once mentioned to him, that's how he copes with issues. And he becomes so involved in it, that when he learns his mother's cancer, once thought ended, has returned and she's given a short time to live...he's able to accept it.

That means he's being called back to Derry, but has to go as Brenna McGabbhin, his new name. It's been more than eight years since he vanished from the city, so it's hoped no one will notice who he really is. Wishful thinking.

And that will be volume three--Home Not Home.

Saturday, February 17, 2024

So I'm not crazy enough...

Stole this from the Spring 2023 issue of Getty magazine, written by Elaine Woo: 

The Link Between Creativity and Mental Illness...

What makes great artists great? 

The eminent art critic Clement Greenberg jotted down his theory in a 1961 diary: The best American artists + writers of my time = alcoholics or on the verge of alcoholism; or megalomaniacs; or hysterics. Pollock, Faulkner, F. Lloyd Wright, Still, Newman, de Kooning, Rothko. On the other hand, the manic-depressives: Cal [Robert] Lowell, Delmore Schwarz . . . . 

David Smith a hysteric? Ken Noland a manic-depressive like me. Greenberg’s suggestion that exceptionally artistic people tend toward mental disorder is deeply embedded in our culture, traceable to the ancient Greeks and Romans and lent credence over the centuries by creative geniuses as different as Robert Schumann, Vincent van Gogh, Sylvia Plath, and Robin Williams. 

“Madness,” according to Socrates, “is the channel by which we receive the greatest blessings.” 

The notion of the “mad genius” is, however, as controversial as it is persistent. In the curatorial world many people shy away from it, leery of reducing great art to the sum of a creator’s neurosis or psychosis. Yet in the scientific world, the possibility of a link between mental illness and creativity has inspired researchers for at least 70 years. Some experts, such as Johns Hopkins University psychiatry professor Kay Redfield Jamison, find strong evidence that mood disorders, such as depression and bipolarism, are more prevalent among artists and writers than in the general population. 

The “mad genius” trope has endured, Jamison said in an interview, “possibly because there’s a real element of truth in it.” 

That view is echoed by USC neuroscientist Antonio Damasio. “The experience of suffering that is a hallmark of mood disorders may well stimulate creative endeavors, especially in the arts,” says Damasio, who is known for his work on the role of feelings and emotions in decision-making. But, as he notes, these disorders represent only one major category of mental illness.

Research into madness and creativity ranges across a broad spectrum of complex psychopathologies and creative pursuits, making comparisons difficult and consensus beyond reach. “I believe one thing is certain,” Damasio says. “Major forms of psychopathology are rarely compatible with major creativity.” 

The Big Cs

In a 2019 study, researchers at UCLA investigated the idea that psychopathology is more common in “Big-C creatives,” artists and scientists whose rare talents have earned international renown. “We found more of the opposite in some ways,” says Kendra S. Knudsen, the study’s lead author. “We found that individuals without a lifetime history of a psychiatric disorder scored higher on a test of creative thinking relative to those who had at least one lifetime diagnosis.” 

The study also found, though, that the visual artists had a higher incidence of “schizotypal” personality traits—behavior that is often described as odd or eccentric, such as nonconformism and receptivity to unusual ideas and experiences, but which does not amount to full-blown mental illness. The study emerged from the Big C Project, which is using neuroimaging and other methods to investigate how the brains and behavior of ultra-creative people may make them outliers compared to the rest of us. 

Robert M. Bilder, the Michael E. Tennenbaum Family Chair in Creativity Research at UCLA and Big C Project director, puts it another way. “What we see is that the people who are most identified as being creative achievers may have certain traits that overlap with those of people with certain kinds of mental disorders, but they usually do not have mental illnesses as we define them today.” 

Bilder suggests that asking whether genius is associated with mental illness is the wrong question. “I guess the right question is, what is the nature of the relationship between creativity and emotional and psychological adjustment and well-being? Because I think it’s important to understand that both of these things occur on a spectrum.” 

The Tortured Artists 

Looking back through history, it is impossible to separate some of the world’s greatest artworks from the tortured psyches of their creators. A sublime example is Van Gogh, the beloved Dutch artist whose 1889 painting Irises is one of the Getty Museum’s greatest treasures. The painting depicts in thick, swirling brushstrokes of violet, green, yellow, orange, and blue a tightly cropped view of irises in bloom. 

Scholars and critics have praised its exquisite composition, while Getty visitors have found Irises mesmerizing for a variety of other reasons, seeing joyful exuberance in its intimate view of nature or sadness in the solitary white blossom the artist placed amid a swath of purplish ones. 

It may surprise some museum-goers to learn that Irises was one of the first works Van Gogh produced at a psychiatric hospital in Saint-Rémy-de-Provence in southern France, where he voluntarily confined himself for a year following an act of self-mutilation. How could someone so ill as to slice off his left ear (and subsequently present the chunk of flesh to a brothel maid) produce such a masterpiece of form and color? 

Irises was far from an exception: Van Gogh completed more than 150 paintings at that hospital, an astonishing output that included his most famous work, The Starry Night. 

Jamison wrote in Touched with Fire, her 1993 book on manic-depressive disease and the artistic mind, that Van Gogh’s paintings from that period “reflect lucidity of the highest order,” which is not to say he didn’t have problems. Such clarity of mind “is not incompatible with occasional bouts of madness,” she wrote, “just as extended periods of normal physical health are not incompatible with occasional bouts of hypertension, diabetic crisis,” or other kinds of metabolic disease. 

It may be that many creative geniuses thrive on the border between mental order and disorder, “the edge of chaos,” where novel ideas are born, Bilder says. “The balance of stability on the one hand and flexibility on the other hand is critically important to be able to do anything.” 

The nature of Van Gogh’s illness has long been a matter of debate, with diagnoses having included absinthe poisoning, schizophrenia, syphilis, and borderline personality disorder. Today, it is generally believed that he had bipolar disorder, which is characterized by extreme fluctuations in mood, energy, activity levels, and concentration. The symptoms often emerge in step with the seasons. 

“Irises is a good example of when his mood swings were under some control,” says psychiatrist and author Peter C. Whybrow, who was director of the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Institute in the late 1990s when he first delved into Van Gogh’s career and medical history. 

Van Gogh worked frenetically in late summer—“in spasmodic fury,” as an art student once described his process, Whybrow notes. But his mania tended to recede in the winter, when depression set in, leaving him barely able to lift brush to canvas.

Mental illness “embellished his creativity and gave it tones, to use a painterly metaphor,” Whybrow surmises. “But it is not correct to say that his art was driven by it. Mental illness shaped some of the work but doesn’t explain his brilliance as an artist.”

Another example is the 18th-century German sculptor Franz Xaver Messerschmidt. He is best known for a series of more than 60 busts, called Character Heads, which are admired by scholars for their stunning realism and modernity and fascinating to viewers because of their sheer weirdness. Far from models of gentility, the heads have, variously, wild eyes, jutting necks, comically arched brows, and mouths agape as if in a scream.

One particularly riveting piece is The Vexed Man, on view at the Getty Center. It shows a middle-aged man with a face screwed up in a deep grimace. Beholders of these sculptures may disagree on the emotions portrayed, but it’s hard not to regard them as deeply unsettling.

In an account left by Christoph Friedrich Nicolai, a bookseller who visited Messerschmidt at his studio in 1781, the sculptor confided that he was tormented at night by ghosts. To exorcise them, he pinched himself in various parts of his body and repeatedly modeled the resulting facial expressions in front of a mirror until he could capture them in metal or stone.

Some experts postulated that Messerschmidt had Crohn’s disease or lead poisoning, both of which can cause severe pain. But one of the most-cited posthumous diagnoses came from psychoanalyst and art historian Ernst Kris, who concluded in 1932 that Messerschmidt had paranoid schizophrenia. The death of his patron and whispers of his “confusion in the head” apparently led Messerschmidt to break from his life in Vienna, where he had been a sculptor to the royal family, to spend his last years as a recluse. He produced the final bust in the series the year he died, 1783.

Art Reflects Life

Glenn Phillips, senior curator and head of modern and contemporary collections at the Getty Research Institute (GRI), thinks it can be valuable to understand the psychological dimensions of an artist’s life. 

“Sometimes you really need to know the artist’s story to understand why they’re making the things they are, because it comes so profoundly out of their lived experience,” he says. “It’s kind of a first way into the work.”

The art world has recognized the contributions of people with mental illness. Swiss curator Harald Szeemann, who is often described as the 20th century’s most influential exhibition maker, “had a whole group of artists with mental illness that he worked with at various points in his career,” says Phillips, who organized Harald Szeemann: Museum of Obsessions at the GRI in 2018.

In a groundbreaking 1963 exhibition, Szeemann showcased the work of psychiatric patients, including Adolf Wölfli, an artist diagnosed with schizophrenia who became an emblematic figure in the Art Brut movement for the thousands of fantastical drawings and illustrations he made during three decades in a Swiss psychiatric hospital.

Szeemann championed art by people with mental illness, writing in a 1963 essay that while such artists realized their talent “only with the onset of mental illness,” their work should be judged as art and not merely the “results of art therapy.”

But don’t knock the power of art as a medium for managing mental and emotional health. At places like Painted Brain, a peer-run mental health nonprofit in the MacArthur Park neighborhood near downtown, and the Los Angeles–based Creative Minds Project, people with mental health challenges come together to express their inner thoughts and feelings through art.

“I think it’s healing to access different ways of thinking to understand our world and the world of others,” says UCLA’s Knudsen, who founded the Creative Minds Project more than a decade ago through a partnership with UCLArts & Healing. “I think there is a bidirectional relationship, where our emotional experience can shape our creative thinking and our creative thinking can also shape our emotional experience.”

Van Gogh understood the connection. “The more I am spent, ill, a broken pitcher,” he once wrote, “by so much more am I an artist—a creative artist.”

Friday, February 16, 2024

And back to work

The nice thing about whining is I get my melancholia and frustration out of my system and kick myself back into working. Which happened today, thanks to yesterday. I reworked a section of NWFO where Brendan is brutalized for dating a Cajun girl, in Houston, and realizes his uncle...well, if he wasn't part of the attack he knew it was planned and let it happen. Same for one of the girl's brothers and, possibly, her father.

Brendan had been thinking of asking her to marry him, eventually. Thing is, she's learning Russian because she wants to join the State Department. She sees that as her future. Her father points out that she loses any opportunity to be employed with them, if she marries him. So that night he breaks a date he had with her and a couple of friends to see Jaws, wanting to think about it, but winds up being jumped and seriously hurt.

Then as he's recuperating, the girl comes to visit and he learns she would never have agreed to marry him. She already has her life laid out, and while he was fun to be around he wasn't husband-material. So now he's not only physically damaged, he's emotionally hurt, and despite his own code of never telling on people, he lets her know her brother participated in his beating. That breaks it off, completely.

Then he makes plans to disappear from his family's life...and does.

I wound up adding about 500 words to the story and may do more to deepen it. But once again, despite everyone else trying to tell him what he should and should not do, Brendan goes his own way. I like that, in him.

Thursday, February 15, 2024

Step back to heal

Slightly damaged is probably the best way to describe me. Still capable of moving forward, but not at top ability. I'm like an old car that's drivable and will get you there, but not without some serious angst about maybe breaking down. Like my Civic -- 26 years old and still going, just getting crankier and crankier. But since I've had it since it was brand new, I know its every creak and rattle.

I did a financial workup, today, and found I'm $36,000 in debt. $10,000 in a savings account. Bills that are greater than my SSI income. Slowly sinking into financial chaos. I know why I'm at this point. I supported my youngest brother financially for 10 years, to the tune of about $85-90,000 total, and he will never be able to repay that. He's barely able to make it on the money he's started to get from Social security, himself.

I'm not sorry I helped him. It kept him from winding up on the streets, and I couldn't have that. And my sister also helped, a lot. But I used credit cards to keep myself going and while I'm in a better position than I was before moving into my new place--senior housing so my rent is less for a larger place--I'm still deep in it.

So what did I do? Cook. Prep a meatloaf to bake, tomorrow. Make a salad to calm my blood sugar down. Figure out how much money I'll have for next month--the money I'll get from Caladex should help cover everything without dragging more from my savings. And I watched two new episodes of Vera, with Brenda Blethyn.

Now my panic is over, at least. And my depression is lifting. And I even had a note to add to APoS, but for volume 3, when I get to it. I'm just so tired of being so fucked up.

Wednesday, February 14, 2024

Kick 'em when they're down...

I'm in a foul mood crashing into a place where I don't want to get out of bed. I did taxes, tonight, and my CPA tells me I owe $1200 in self-employment tax. On top of me destroying myself financially to get APoS-Derry out into the world.

So I'm into crash and burn phase of life, at the moment, and staying away from NWFO. Instead, let's hear how to trash a highly successful author in order to sell your own course on writing. I feel so very destructive, this helps...a little. Fuck Stephen King. On Writing is half memoir.

There's also a hundred books on financial advice for writers out there.

A BIT LATE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Tuesday, February 13, 2024

Broke but not broken...

Well, I've done as much as I can to get APoS-Derry out there, and I will see over the next two months if it's done any good. You never know until it happens, do you? I took the dive and bought a Kirkus Review, which won't be up till the end of March, or so. And they say they will be brutally honest, so if I don't want anyone to see it, I can keep it hidden.

Not sure what to think of that.

I've had brutally negative reviews of my books, before, and some were for silly reasons. The Lyons' Den got a single star from a couple of people and torn apart because one hated my misuse of grammar and another refused to read past a point where she claimed I didn't describe snow correctly. The Alice '65 was hurt by someone who said I used too many commas.

As for my gay erotica...ooooh, baby. I've been told more than once I should never be allowed to write, again. Anything. Especially something like How to Rape a Straight Guy...which has actually been banned in paperback.

I've also gotten good ones, and some excellent, so it balances out. I learned long ago you can't please everybody and there are some people out there who will trash your work just to make themselves feel better. On one occasion, I had a guy pick apart a script I'd written, line by line, to show me how it should have been done. Things like that are easy to handle.

And I do have an excellent review from BookLife. Which is also posted in Publishers Weekly. But I don't know how I'll react to Kirkus if they dump on Brendan's story. It makes me nervous, gotta admit. But I will not hide it if it's bad. No way. That's cowardly. Besides, well-know authors have been trashed by major reviewers, as well.

Maybe I'll wind up in august company.

Monday, February 12, 2024

Ch-ch-ch-changes coming...

I'm already getting ideas on how to better New World For Old. Make it move even revolve around Brendan in ways that add to his journey rather than just happen. For example, he goes punk for a little while in the late 70s but then starts in restoring that Peugeot and slowly regains a sense of himself, and equilibrium. Currently, I have him stop because it's grown boring, to him. This would work a lot better.

There are a couple of other moments to rework, like the reason he and Evangelyne break up in such a brutal fashion. And I'd forgotten to put in a moment where Mairead explains to Bren how he was spirited out of Ireland, and why. Right now, I think it's going to be because of his father, whom he's hated for years...but we'll see what comes up.

I was planning to deal with that in Book Three--Home Not Home--but now think it best to start the thought process rolling on it. There's always been some mystery about his father's past, and this may just deepen it, for him. Leading him to want to find out more in HNH.

I've bought into an ad for APoS-Derry. To be part of a Publishers Weekly deal for The London Book Fair, and made certain they have the correct cover and information for it. I'm reminded of how much money I sank into David Martin, some years ago, including to have the book illustrated by a children's book artist, and am still very much in the red. So I've gone as far as I can, financially.

And I have to keep some in reserve for when NWFO comes out, later in the year.

Sunday, February 11, 2024

Done...

Draft 5 of A Place of Safety-New World For Old is complete. Now I only have 44 drafts left to do to make it good enough to start thinking about publishing.

There are sections I know are not really ready, yet, and I added a bit towards the end about Brendan using the partial restoration of an old Peugeot 404 Cabriolet in exchange for parts to fix his Montessa motorbike, so that needs some smoothing over, as well.

But that's how Brendan recenters himself--repairing things. He doesn't bring the car back to pristine condition; it's at a junk yard and the owner wants to sell it to a guy who deals in Peugeots, out in California. He just wants it in working order. And that's what Brendan does over the next year, year and a half. I need to check my timeframe to see how that works. Because it's during 1980 and he's about to be called home due to his mother's illness.

So right now, it's now at 143,131 words and 34 chapters. There are a couple of really long ones I'm thinking of breaking in half, but we'll see what happens on the next pass. Which I'm not diving into till later in the week. I'm helping with paperwork for the return of the book fair dealers from San Francisco and I'm doing taxes with my CPA Wednesday evening. Looking forward to that...not.

I realized I made an error in my acknowledgements on the HB of APoS-Derry. I inadvertently left out one of my editors/proofreaders. Debating on whether or not to update it. It won't cost anything, but I've sold several copies. I could always say those are rare and worth more...maybe.

Saturday, February 10, 2024

Closer and closer...

Houston-1975

Okay, I have fewer than 100 pages to go through to finish this draft. It's up to over 142K in wordage and 635 double-spaced pages. I'd say on the next go around I'll cut some back, but I know myself too well to think I really will.

I just finished a rough confrontation between Brendan and his Uncle Sean, where the man is demanding he do something he does not want to do--stop being Brendan. I want it to be as blunt and vicious as possible, but I don't know if it's achieving that. No violence, though there is the threat of it, but Brendan now knows he cannot return to being himself.

The new story circulating through Derry is that he died in the bombing and his body was carried away because he's Catholic and the other victims were Protestant. If he was found to be a casualty in that area, it would lead the RUC and Army straight to his brother, Eamonn, and maybe to connections he has. So he was buried, in secret, and stories circulated to keep anyone from working it out.

But it also seems his mother, whom he though hated his guts, is the one who kept the IRA from actually finishing him off and his sister, Mai, helped arrange to get him out of the country into the US. He's more confused than ever and not sure what to do.

I just hope I'm not making this into a sort of spy thriller or mystery or something. Maybe once I'm done with this draft I'll be able to cut some of that nonsense back.

If it is nonsense. It may not be.

Friday, February 9, 2024

Slowly moving forward...

Brendan's pretty happy with the section where he meets Evangelyne and goes with her family to New Orleans (1975) for Mardi Gras. Which includes a confrontation with his uncle, upon his return:

---------

The moment I tossed my satchel onto the bed, Uncle Sean came slamming at the door. "Where you been?" were the first words from his mouth. 

"New Orleans," I said, put off by his demanding manner. 

"All by yourself?" 

"No, I went with friends, if it's any of your business." 

"It's very much my business. Who're these friends?" 

"Uncle Sean, I don't understand why you're asking--" 

"You should've discussed this with me, first." 

"Why?" 

"We've been in a panic for days, tryin' to find you. Takin' time away from my business. Thought maybe you'd been grabbed and sent back to Ireland." He was angry. Not as bad as Da would have been, but close to the same level as Ma after I'd gone off to Claudy--and it put my back up, to use a phrase I'd heard.

"Why would that happen? You said I was fine in the country. Legal." 

"I never said legal. I said don't ask about it. Just like I haven't asked how you got a license to drive that goddamn bike, even though I got a pretty damn good idea. And if you had been grabbed, you'd have caused us all kinds of trouble." 

And there it was. "So I'm not legal, in any way?" 

He just got angrier. "What the hell do you think? I thought you were smart, Bren. Your visa expired over a year ago! Our lawyer said to leave it be. Do nothing. You're white so you won't be bothered so long as you keep your head down. But just runnin' off? Not a word to anybody? Us callin' all over town tryin' to find you? Callin' attention to you? If you'd been stopped, it wouldn't take some cop two seconds to figure out you ain't supposed to be here." 

Now I was pissed. "So where am I supposed to be?!" 

"You're supposed to be as invisible as possible. Runnin' around with black people's contrary to that." 

"Black people? What're you on about?!" 

He hesitated then snapped, "Jeremy called for you. Wanted to see if you were back from New Orleans, yet. He wouldn't say anything more, and I know Rene's from there, so I called the shop, yesterday mornin'. Should've called there, first thing, but I didn't want to get you in trouble. Instead, I find out you're gone to Mardi Gras with his kids and their families." 

"Well, if you knew that, already, then why'd you ask where I was!? Who I was with?" 

"Because a white boy with a bunch of black people--that screams for the cops to ask questions." 

"They're Cajun." 

"Their mother ain't. And truth is, there's only two colors of people in this town, Bren--white and the rest. You'd be smart to remember that." He turned to the door then stopped and snarled over his shoulder, "Don't ever do somethin' like this, again. If you do, I'll see to it you're sent back." 

"Do it!" I snapped. 

That made him turn to me, frowning. "What?" 

"Do it!" Now there was a snarl in my voice and not one thought in my head as I spoke. I was burning on some instinct that had come up since the bombing, though what it was I did not understand, just yet. But I continued with, "Turn me in. Send me back. Explain to your officials how you had me living under your roof for well over two years and yet had no knowledge I'm in the country illegally. Call them now. I won't have this hanging over my head." 

"Now you listen to me, you little shit--" 

"I didn't ask to come here! I was brought, with no say in the matter, and you treat me like I'm a prisoner." 

"We were helpin' you." 

"You were helping the IRA keep me hidden! It was that or a bullet to the brain, wasn't it? For botching their stupid bloody operation! Killing someone I loved! Don't threaten me with being sent back, because you know bloody well it'd be to my death and that would prove YOU NEVER GAVE A TINKER'S DAMN ABOUT ME, YOU OR ANY OF--!" 

He punched me. Sent me crashing to the floor. My ears rang something fierce. I could barely focus on the carpet. Not even Da's fists had brought that much pain to me. 

I sort of made out that Aunt Mari had joined us and was saying, "What're you two on about? You can be heard through half the city." 

"This selfish little shit doesn't give a damn about anybody but himself." 

I forced myself to sit up, my breath short and harsh. There was blood in my mouth. I let it drip over my lips and down my chin as I glared at him and growled, "Make the call." 

Both he and Aunt Mari looked at me, her confused, him not. 

"You have a phone," I continued, my voice low and cruel. "Turn me in. Send me back to Derry. Do it, or bloody well shut up about it!" 

Uncle Sean's fists bunched and he started at me, again, but Aunt Mari grabbed him and spun him around, then ushered him out. She came back to me, wet a towel, and started to clean the blood from my face but I pushed away from her. 

I felt betrayed. Brutalized. I'd begun to build up a life based on nothing. Just untold lies and half-truths and no sort of foundation to steady me. Like a house on sand, eh, lad. And now I was being treated like a slave. Like some fool worth nothing. A fucking ghost. I could think of nothing pleasant to say to her. 

Her voice was soft and hurt as she said, "Bren, he was worried for you." 

I wiped some blood from my lip. "I can tell." 

Her Irish caught up and her voice grew sharp. "Ya could have left us a note to let us know where ya were. It wasn't right for ya to just disappear, like that." 

"So his anger is my fault." 

"We have done everything we can to help ya and...and..." 

Still all my fault. Bloody fucking hell. "It may be best I leave." 

"No." That had startled her. "No, here yer safe." 

"So long as I keep to the shadows? Or remain a ghost? There but not really there!? Here but not really here!? Don't you dare to live, Brendan, it might cause trouble. What sort of life is that?" 

"It won't always be like this. I promise." 

"Never promise what you can't deliver, Aunt Mari."

Thursday, February 8, 2024

Excuses...

 I tried to work out going to London to support APoS-Derry at the book fair, but it would be about $2500 and I'm just plain too broke. Too deep in debt. That sent me spiraling into self-flagellation over all the mistakes I've made in my life--wrong turns--to get to the point I can't afford a trip to another country to do...well, honestly, I don't know what I'd do while there. Except walk around like I belong.

If the London Book Fair is like others I've been to, publishers give out free copies and take orders; they don't sell the books. Not unless they've set up a signing, as well. Which isn't what this fair is about. When I worked at Sam Houston Books, in the Galleria, the manager and I flew to a big book fair in New Orleans and paid for the trip by grabbing as many free copies of books as we could. I was along to provide an extra bag to ferry them back to Houston, in.

I think my two suitcases weighed a good 120 lbs. That was the limit total for checking two bags. And I carried some onto the plane. Same for Greg, the manager. He worked it out, and we were ahead by $175 while making plenty of orders, too, for the Christmas rush.

I found an amazing cookbook that coming out and had to basically threaten him to order 25 of them. When they came in, he wasn't happy...but it was just before Thanksgiving. By the end of that weekend, they were all gone. He ordered 50, and we sold all but 3, by Christmas.

On another occasion, when Stephen King came out with a special limited edition of The Stand--signed by King and I think the illustrator, and priced at $800, if I remember right--we got a copy. Sold it the day it came in, but we couldn't order more. They were being doled out across the country. However, I learned the Rizzoli Book Shop the other end of the mall had one. We talked them into selling it to us with a courtesy discount of 20%, marked it up to $1000 and sold it in a week.

But that was all dealing with books put out by major publishers, and major writers. It's what I'd hoped I could work up for A Place of Safety's 3 volumes. Dreamed about. Build the interest and excitement. Lots of publicity. But not gonna happen. I don't have the ability or resources...or audience. 

Dunno why I'm rambling like this, except I'm down in the dumps. Melancholy. And craving a hostess Cinnamon Bun with cherry filling, which they don't make anymore. Which makes me even sadder.

Wednesday, February 7, 2024

APoS Publicity

Since APoS-Derry is going to be at the London Book Fair, next month, I've been trying to get the word out to people I know in the UK, in case they'd like to drop by to check it out. Thing is, all my friends there are connected to the antiquarian book trade and wouldn't be interested in offering a new book in their shops.

As for regular book shops, I already have a reputation with W H Smith over HTRASG so the only book of mine they're willing to carry is The Vanishing of Owen Taylor, in hardcover. Waterstones offers the book in their catalogue, for 26.99GBP, but that's still a special order.

I do like having control over how the book turned out, and price. And it's easily ordered through any book store that is linked into Ingram's Catalogue. But I'd like to broaden the book's reach. It's just, the only way to get it into book stores is to be willing to accept returns, and Ingram fucks the author over, on those. You wind up owing more than you'd make on the book. So I designate no returns on everything and give a 55% discount as an incentive.

I'm talking with BookLife about joining a banner ad in the London Book Fair edition of Publishers Weekly, which ain't cheap...and I'm already past my budget for advertising. Guess I'll see what happens, once they get back to me.

Got more done on NWFO. The book is now over 140,000 words...and I'm only just past the halfway mark in the rewrite. Brendan has his Montessa and is becoming close friends with Jeremy. He's also got a new job at an auto repair shop that deals in UK and European models. Now he's about to meet Evangelyne and get his life turned upside down.

Again.

Stepped back from the whirlpool of madness...

I moved on from the philosophical mess. I think Brendan needs time to figure himself out and I want to get through another draft of the book, so I worked past it through the point where he's met Everett, a commercial artist who helped him get a very drunk Scott home, one night.

Not long after that, Everett brought Bren an old typewriter to be fixed and asked if he could paint a portrait of him. He'd caught a look in Brendan's eyes, that night, and old man's wariness, and he wants to try and replicate it to see if he really does have the potential to be a fine artist. Brendan's doesn't care that the man's gay, but he hasn't noticed that Aunt Mari does and is wary of the man.

-----

I'd finished working on Everett's typewriter long ago, but he didn't come to fetch it till four days after I turned eighteen. And he brought the portrait he'd wanted to do of me. Aunt Mari let him set it up in the parlor. It was framed and had a cloth over the front of it. Scott was in Austin, but the rest of us gathered 'round and he unveiled it. 

And there was me. Head and shoulders. Face done right. Hair more wavy than I'd thought but also more honest. And in my eyes was a certain wariness that did make me seem older than I was. All done in oils. I was bloody gobsmacked, it was so fine. 

"Jesus, Everett," I murmured, "this is what you can do?" 

He was blushing from the compliments. "It took a lot more work than I expected. Had a couple of false starts, and if you look close you'll see I made some mistakes, but..." 

"It's beautiful, Everett," said Aunt Mari. "Don't cut yourself down, over it." 

He beamed. 

"Where you gonna put it, Bren?" Brandi asked. 

"Not in the pool house!" asked her sister. 

"But that's where he lives." 

"It won't get seen there, and it'll get dirty." 

I nodded. "Yeah, the way I'm working." 

"We could hang it in here," said Aunt Mari. "By the fireplace." 

She had me take down a nice enough painting of some flowers and hang it there, where it did look proper. 

"Will you do one of us?" Bernadette asked Everett. 

He took in a deep breath then said, "Do you have some photos you like? I could replicate those. See what happens when I'm commissioned to do a work." 

Aunt Mari pulled out the family album, then she and Everett spent the next hour going over it to find the right images to use, chatting like a couple of the old neighbor-ladies of Ma's-- 

By the front door, sharing a craic as they cleaned their stoops, hair tied up in a scarf, apron over their old shifts, feet in slippers, criticizing friends and approving of those they liked until they didn't like them and-and-and enough said about that. 

Before they were done I felt that she saw him as another son. Which pleased me. He was ordered to stay for dinner and marveled at me eating a drumstick with a knife and fork, which brought forth a slew of comments from the girls about how silly it was. Which was why I did it.

"But that's how kings and queens eat," was Everett's comment. 

"C'mon," said Brandi, "the Queen of England doesn't know how to eat chicken?" 

"Well," he responded, "can you picture her taking a drumstick with her hands and biting into it?" Then he chomped into a leg, like a dog, making the B-Girls giggle. "Or corn on the cob?" More chomping down and getting but half of it in his mouth. "Getting it aaaaaaalllll over her face?" 

"But eating like Bren does is hard," said Bernadette. 

"Not really." Then Everett proceeded to show he could eat it this way, as well. 

That got the B-Girls to trying it, themselves, silent as they focused on their actions. Everett gave them little pointers and by the end they were cutting and trimming the meat off a drumstick as well as he or I. Aunt Mari exchanged a twinkling glance with Uncle Sean, but nothing was said by either of them. 

Then as he was leaving, Everett cast me a tender smile and said, "You're lucky, pug." 

"I'd argue with you on that," was my response. 

"Don't. You got people here who love you." 

"Yeah, but--" 

"No, you don't get to put a but on that. Not when you have a family watchin' over you." 

I had no idea what to say to that. Just looked at him. 

He took in one of his deep long breaths and continued, "When I was sixteen, my older brother caught me kissin' the captain of the basketball team. It's bad enough it was a boy; what made it worse was, he was Mexican. Chicano. I was told to get out. So I got." 

"This the brother with twins?" 

He smiled and nodded. "That was twelve years ago. My folks still won't talk to me. He and I--we're-we're better, now, and I think I've done okay, considerin'." 

I nodded. "Aunt Mari said you're welcome any time, and so you are. I know the girls would love to make you their latest pet project." 

That made him chuckle, soft and low, and still with more than a hint of sadness. 

"Thanks." He cast me another tender look then headed down to his barge of a car. 

Aunt Mari appeared behind me, as he drove away, and said, "He's who helped you get Scott in, that night." 

I cast a glance back at her. 

"I saw ya comin' back, wee hours. My son paralytic as a fool. It's good his father was still at Liam's Trough." 

Again, all I did was look at her. 

She nodded and continued, "Ya good friends?" 

Her voice carried a meaning I didn't want to understand. "He's been fine with me," I said. "And with Scott." 

"That's good. Just be careful." 

"I thought you liked him." 

"I do. But men like that--they'll become yer friend, then lead ya places you never meant to go." 

"Why do you think that of him?" 

"It's just how those men are, Bren." 

At that moment, I realized I'd misunderstood why Aunt Mari had invited Everett to dinner. She'd wanted to work him out better, and he'd known and that's what his last comments to me had been about. I felt almost betrayed on his behalf. 

Then I thought of Billie Corrie and him helping his uncle prepare to attack Eamonn, sending him to hospital well-damaged, and my China not caring a whit, nor a word from him since. I thought of Father Jack and his two faces, one Godly, the other political. I thought of Colm helping set up Paidrig for knee-capping over bloody cigarettes. I saw none of that-that-I don't know--casual willingness to hurt others, in any of them. Maybe I just don't see it in Everett. 

But to me it seemed his was the soul of an artist, not a conniving bastard, and his meaning was gentle, not selfish or cruel or controlling. What surprised me is how I'd just caught a glimpse of that nonsense in my aunt and knew, deep within I knew that if I defended him her worries would only increase and she might go so far as to ban him from the house as his own family had done. For the right reasons, to her, but still--it hurt me. 

I had no need to be that kind of shite, so I just sighed and said, "It's how all men are, Aunt Mari. And women. I learned that long ago." 

"Bren, all I meant was--" 

"I know what you meant." And my voice was more sharp than I intended. "Ma tells everyone I'm simple. Do you think that, as well?" 

She said nothing. Of course. All those months of my silence probably solidified it in her view. 

I nodded, closed the door and led her back to the portrait. "This looks good here. Let's leave it." 

Then I returned to the pool house, climbed onto the roof and stayed hidden in the shadows, smoking, letting myself accept the fact that my aunt saw me in much the same way as my mother had. Damaged. Foolish. Incomplete. Needing someone to watch over me. And to be kept close so as to control me, because worst of all? I could not be trusted. 

And finally I could see how right they both were.

Monday, February 5, 2024

Still struggling...

I did a lot of work on Brendan's thoughts about things happening for no rhyme or reason, and I feel like I'm still circling the full meaning. But what am I circling? An existentialistic idea of humanity and civilization? Does that fit? 

I took this definition from Wikipedia's post on Existentialism and I guess it could be right...maybe...

Existentialism is a form of philosophical inquiry that explores the issue of human existence. Existentialist philosophers explore questions related to the meaning, purpose, and value of human existence. Common concepts in existentialist thought include existential crisis, dread, and anxiety in the face of an absurd world and free will, as well as authenticity, courage, and virtue.

Existentialist philosophy encompasses a range of perspectives, but it shares certain underlying concepts. Among these, a central tenet of existentialism is that personal freedom, individual responsibility, and deliberate choice are essential to the pursuit of self-discovery and the determination of life's meaning.


The second paragraph tells me no...but I can't figure out what other form of thought it should be associated with? Absurdism? Hasn't that been dismissed as a philosophical theory? Suggesting the universe is irrational and meaningless...that trying to find meaning leads people into a conflict between rational man and an irrational universe, or between intention and outcome? Absurdism claims that the world as a whole is absurd...but that doesn't really fit, even though it sort of does.

And then there's nihilism: the belief that all values are baseless and nothing can be known or communicated. It 's like an extreme pessimism mixed with radical skepticism while condemning existence. A true nihilist believes in nothing, has loyalty to nothing, and holds no purpose other than a need or impulse to destroy. But that last line is not Brendan.

Problem is, I don't understand any of these philosophies well enough to honestly discuss them or work them into Brendan's life, because none of them are exact while they do fit a part of him.

I dunno. Maybe that's how it needs to stay. Bren's not a deep thinker. He feels. He's instinctive. He likes you or he doesn't. But if he's wounded, he's not above attacking...at least, since nearly being killed by that bomb. So maybe just let him go and let the reader decide what the hell it is he's talking about.