Change in direction, again...

The beginning of chapter 15 for Taking Nicky:

 
Okay, something people seem to forget is that just because I’m horny or obsessed over a guy...and just because that guy is kissing the shit out of me...and just because I’m enjoying the shit out of him doing it...I’ll get all stupid. Blind. Or maybe a better way of putting that would be, unable to pay attention to reality.

Which is really insulting. 

I mean, yeah...Niko’s kisses were the epitome of perfection, and him molding his body against mine was breathtaking in so many fucking ways...except for this one weird little issue. 

No hint of his dick pressing against me. 

He wasn’t hard. 

Not erect. 

My dick’s as solid as a John Holmes dildo, raging in my briefs and really obnoxiously so...but he’s got nothing. To the extent I’m beginning to wonder if he’s trans. 

Of course, I knew better, all the research I’d done on him. But that wasn’t the only thing bothering me. 

The sliding glass doors to the yard are still open, and you don’t let something like those stay open overnight. You’ll wind up with some homeless person sleeping on your couch or, as once happened to me, taking a dump on your coffee table while zonked out of his mind. 

So I tried to move him back so I could shift around to close it, saying, “C’mon, Niko, lemme lock the front...” 

But he grabbed my wrists and held my hands over my head while crushing me against the wall, pinning me. Shutting my words off. 

That’s when I chuckled, “Niko, come on, I...I need to close the door.” 

He silenced me with another kiss. 

Which was beginning to piss me off. So I yanked my hands away and pushed at him but he had braced himself against me by propping his legs at an angle and barely moved...and that’s when I noticed... 

Ben and Liam entering at the sliding glass door. Looking sneaky. And holding rope. 

Bam, inner wildcat took over. I kneed Niko in the balls...and it turned out he does have them. And a dick. Because he howled and dropped and I scampered back into the kitchen, where I grabbed a knife, and held it in my best serial killer way. Which stopped the boys at the kitchen door. 

“All right, boys,” I growled, “who’s going to explain this?”

Dammit...

I had my burger...actually, a small cheeseburger, small fries and a regular drink...at a 5 Guys simply because they're easy and on the way home and acceptable enough. But it was $20!!! Twenty fucking dollars! This is why I'm cooking at home, more and more. I just need to better prepare for my cravings.

I also tried out making a chocolate cake from an apple, egg, cocoa powder and dash of baking powder. Saw the recipe at Corey B's Facebook page. Smelled good. Looked good. Tasted pretty good. But the consistency was so wrong...like a cross between muerange and souffle. I ate it. Made my lonely mouth happy enough due to the choco-love. But no more; too weird.

One note about this -- if you're going to try it yourself, chop the apple up before you try to blend it. I've got a Rocket blender and it did not like big slices.

Worked another 5 hours today and maybe as much, tomorrow, then I'll return focus to Taking Nicky. I've got a solid idea of how to handle it and give the readers what they're expecting, thanks to a dumb move by Ben and Liam.

Those two join forces with Vance to teach Rett a lesson, but they don't so much bumble it as underestimate him. His comment is, They thought I was so locked in on my obsession with Nicky, they could take me, shake me, fuck me, and quake me... or something to that effect.

He turns the tables on them, all. Because something they did not take into account was his absolute unwillingness to be controlled. And how hard it would be to force him to do anything he didn't want to do. 

If all that makes any sense. Suffice to say, Rett achieves his goal and no one can do anything about it. Which makes him top dog in that little group.

Something Vance will not like.

Stupid...

Did you ever get hungry for something and talk yourself out of getting it because you have food at home and can make something but wind up not being able to and then kicking yourself for not just getting what you fucking wanted? That was me, tonight.

I got hungry for a really good, solid cheeseburger. But there's no place in my area of town that offers one. 5 Guys is okay...but not sloppy enough. Opposite of a place called Jim's Steak Out. Last time I got a burger there only half of it remained inside the bun; the rest slid out and around and I had to get a fork to eat it. 

I didn't want McDonald's, Wendy's or Burger King; theirs are so processed. And the nearest Chili's is 5 miles away in evening traffic. I was grumpy driving from the office and didn't want to deal with that. I'd have killed for an In-n-Out #2 meal, animal style, but they aren't in the mid-Atlantic states. So I came home.

Of course, all my hamburger meat is frozen and would have taken too long to thaw. I tried slaking my hunger with half a cantaloupe...but that only made me hungrier. I almost went out again just to hit the Chili's. Their burgers aren't the greatest but they're decent enough. Instead, I wound up making chili mac and cheese. And that was okay.

But I still fucking want a burger.

Maybe I'm pregnant...which would be a miracle in more ways than one...

Worked today...

Helping get paperwork set for dealers to return home in the US and abroad. Hopefully before the end of the world comes. I was only half joking when I referred to Felon47 as the antichrist. Apparently he took it as a challenge to outdo the devil and his spawn.

The positive thing for me is, I was busy till nearly 6 and bought dinner en route home. Same thing for tomorrow. Tonight, I had an avocado roll at Wegman's, which is tasty and held me okay, but after a couple hours I got hungry, again. It's better for lunch. Maybe I'll do Indian, tomorrow.

I don't really want to work, but I need the money to pay for all the trips to and time spent in San Antonio, not to mention helping pay for my brother's cremation and funeral. I cut costs as much as I could, but I'm still $1500 in the hole on my Visa. 

I've got an idea for the remainder of Taking Nicky. It has to do with Rett not being as stupid or gullible or desperate as someone else thinks he is. A double cross doesn't work on him. Once I have the time, I'll write it up and get it posted. I think three more chapters and the story is done.

I hope I can be as clever and smooth in my writing when I'm working on Dair's Window as I have been in my MM erotica. It's going to be a real challenge.

Of course...

I'm going through all the docs to be used to reformat my books into EPubs and finding not only typos but mistakes in attributions and inconsistencies in how they're laid out. I've gone through Hunter, Curt, the Blood Angel volumes, Rape in Holding Cell 6, Porno Manifesto, and Underground Guy...

And I've caught myself really liking how I wrote them. The way I phrased things and, in my mind, made the dialogue like something two or three people would actually be saying. 

I was especially pleased with a conversation between Devlin and his sister in law, Diana, in Underground Guy. When she tells him how she met his brother. Devlin knew the basics; she gives him the full story...and I think it's very well done.

-------

After another minute of watching me and sipping her tea and nibbling at her food she said, “Dev, you know how Colin and I met, right?” 

I had to nod. “He ... he got lost and you ... uh, you found him. Brought him home.” 

“You know where I found him?” 

I shrugged a yes. 

She smiled. “I always thought it interesting you never said anything.” 

I sighed and glanced at her, my mind beginning to focus. “I didn’t need to.” 

Her smile widened. “Y’know, the only reason I approached him was I’d heard my usual connection got busted and that I should assume the new guy’s a cop. So when I saw Colin — no way did he belong in that neighborhood. Fuckin’ rookie, was my first thought so I went over to play. Be a real bitch. But he looked at me with those lost dark lovely eyes and the first words he said were, Oh my God, you’re so beautiful.” 

She sighed. “I wasn’t. I was at the tail of a party weekend. But his attitude ... his whole manner ... it was so simple and straight and honest and sweet ... I fell apart. Sobbed. He said he was sorry and gave me a handkerchief. Cheap white cotton. Buy ‘em by the half-dozen. I still have it. Wouldn’t part with it for anything.” 

I turned to her. “You’re good for him. For both of us.” 

“Thank you for that.” She smiled and pulled out a tissue to dab her eyes. “It took me ten minutes to find out he’d met with a client and parked his car in a cheap lot to save a few bucks, but couldn’t remember which one and was close to falling apart. I offered to call someone but he panicked and said you were at school and your father off on business and no one could know how he’d screwed up. So we went to every lot I knew — and found it at the fifth one. By that point, he was shaking so badly he couldn’t drive so I got behind the wheel. And I stayed. And we have three beautiful perfect sons.” 

Then she looked straight at me to add with a near growl, “And I will never, never, never let anyone — anyone at all — hurt him or them. So if you don’t give me the complete and absolute truth, I’m here to have fun at a baby shower for an old friend, and then back to New York.” 

Where they would build walls to protect the business and I would be fucked.

Quotes...

I'm still working up info for the website. Finding quotes to use from the stories, to increase interest in them. I guess. Use this image for the header or banner or whatever it's called.

They might be a bit long, but the person handling the building of it is better are making them fit than I am, so I'm just giving samples...

Like the following, from Underground Guy, when Devlin is being interrogated by Reg:

“Would you call a lion who takes down an injured gazelle evil?” I growled, fighting to keep it low. “Does that word even apply to a hawk snatchin’ a field mouse that’s just a little too slow in gettin’ back to its hole?” ...

“Those other men. The dead ones. Is that how you excuse what happened to them?” 

I shook my head. “That’s a waste. Only a fool does that. You never know when you might want to — ” 

I stopped. I didn’t want to say what I was about to say. 

His look grew wary. “Want to what? Want to what?!” 

Dear God, I looked into his eyes, fought myself ... but I couldn’t lie to him so the words came out. “Feed, again.”

And this one from Curt as he's walking home: 

I followed him. 

I dunno why I did, I have to admit. Nothin’ hit me in th’ form of a thought as to what I was gonna do. I just saw how happy he looked, an’ how easy his life’d been an’ how perfect it would be from then on. So I followed him. Watched him jaunt towards this three year old Dodge parked halfway between two street lights. Watched his ass move under those jeans. Even th’ way he walked screamed at me how happy he was... 

An’ I knew I had to kill that walk.

Sometimes I wonder where this stuff comes from...because I know it's from within me...but still I wonder.

BTW, the painting behind me is one I did a few years ago.

Proper labeling is not work...

Today was spent pulling together files to go onto the MM website I'm having developed...and me realizing I've got all my shit everywhere except where I can find it. Eventually, I'll need to go through the dozen or so thumb drives and an external hard drive to sort everything into some form of order.

So I have 12 titles I want to post on the new site, for adults only. We're talking about me offering ebooks direct from the site instead of linking to D2D, meaning I'd need to send the developer Word docs to reformat. But I was only able to find 9 of the files I needed. 

Had to dig through everything post 2014...and discovered the last three by chance. I'd mislabeled them...no, not mis-labeled. Incompletely labeled so I didn't know exactly what they were. For example, I'd named one file RIHC6-corrected...but didn't note it's the ebook edition. So I overlooked it, twice. Only found it by opening every Word doc and seeing what they were. 

So far, I've gone over three of the files to remove Smashwords info from them and make them consistent in format. They weren't bad, just not exact. Then came using Editor to check spelling and grammar, and found a couple more typos. 

Of course.

I still need to dig up quotes from my books to add to the site. That's going to be fun...

And now we have a war on our hands, where Iranian schools filled with children are the targets. Just like Putin's and Netanyahu's method of getting their way. Focusing on my books helps me minimize my awareness of the horrors running rampant in the world.

For now...

Me? A poet?

I'm fighting hard to become one. Not of the rhyming sort, and maybe a cut above prose poetry. But still, I want Rett's time with Niko to be elegant and flowing and working from one lovely series of thoughts to another in the most sensuous of ways.

There's going to be so much to this, I'm using visuals to help. 

Going from dressed to undressing to nearly naked to ready for a shower...post coital. 

But nothing brutal or vile about it. 

I want the progression to end here...so that when Rett is betrayed, it hits twice as hard...

Post party for TN...

Rett and Vance have been talking about working with Nicky on a reality series, so Rett throws a party and has Vance bring the guy, to show he's not interested in him, anymore...

-------

Finally, it was past midnight and only a few people were left. Stevie and wife had gone home to their kids. Vance had vanished somewhere, hopefully not onto my bed with someone male or female. And Ben and Liam were in the kitchen, each with a beer and nibbling at the last of the food, talking so softly it felt secretive. 

I made my way over to them and said, “Did you have fun?” 

They both tensed and cast me a look of uncertainty. 

“It’s okay, Rett,” said Ben. “We were here.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Liam added, nodding. “Nice party. Nothin’ like Georgie’s.” 

“Yeah, his were usually screaming queens everywhere.” 

“He had way more furniture, too.” 

“But not as many people showing up.” 

Liam nodded. 

I looked at Ben and said, “Party’s pretty much broke up. You drive here?” 

He shook his head, absently. “Walked. I’m crashing at Liam’s.” 

“He close by?” 

“Just a block...over...” Then he cut himself off, as if he’d said too much. 

Which he had. I now had an idea of Liam’s proximity, and if that wire still worked, it was probably broadcasting to his residence. 

I acted like I hadn’t noticed. “Guys...are we on good terms?”

Ben frowned. “You’re kidding, right?” 

“If you’re still unhappy with me, why’d you come?” 

Liam sighed and said, “Vance asked us to.” 

“As backup,” said Ben. 

Shit, I’d been double-teamed by sk8ter boy security. 

I made myself chuckle. “You think I’m going to rape Nicky?” 

Ben looked straight at me. “The way you’ve been talking about him? And what you did with us? Yeah.” 

“That’d be stupid of me,” I replied, smiling. “If we’re gonna work together, I can’t do anything that’d put him off me.” 

“Work together?” 

I nodded. “Didn’t Vance tell you? He’s working with Nick on a new program. Needs a writer. He likes what I did for Stevie’s project.” 

“Stevie?” asked Liam. 

I chuckled. “Smoke. Stephen Marlon Kratorski.” 

“Oh, right. Right. Saw him here.” 

“He didn’t know us,” said Ben. 

Us? I’d only seen videos of Liam messing with the guy. None with Ben, even after going through all Georgie’s DVDs. So there were other projects out there? Some I hadn’t seen? 

I just said, “The videos I saw he was blindfolded. Might not have known who was doing it to him.” 

The boys just shrugged to each other. They still seemed nervous. 

That’s when Vance appeared and said, “Valet asked me to let you know they were done for the night. Everyone who used them is gone.” 

“What about you?” I asked. 

“Last car. Parked in your garage.” 

I nodded. The caterer had cleaned up and cleared out half an hour ago. 

“So...party’s over,” said Liam. 

Ben nodded then he and Liam headed for the garage door. 

“This was a good idea,” Vance said as he and I followed them. “People got to see each other. A couple more jobs got set up. How do you feel about Nicholas?” 

“I’d like to work with him.” 

“I bet you would.” 

I sighed. “You really have no respect for me, have you?” 

That made him blink. “I never said that.” 

“No, you just show it in the way you act around me. The way you manipulate me.” 

That brought a cool careful expression to his face. “Careful, Rett.” 

I smiled. “I will be.” 

He smiled back, but only in a professional way. “Good. Let’s talk next week about the job. Tuesday work for you? About one? My office?” 

“You have an office?” 

“Oh, Rett, stop trying to be clever. It doesn’t suit you.” 

Then he went into the garage, got in his car, and drove away...with Ben and Liam as passengers. Of course. See that the boys got home all right. Gotta be careful about big bad Rett. 

I closed the garage and locked the door then headed to the front to check on that and... 

Nicky was there. Leaning against the sliding glass door in a way that made him seem like sex incarnate. Looking straight at me. 

I jolted to a halt. “Sorry, Nicky, I thought you’d left.” 

He said nothing. Did not move. Just kept his amazing eyes locked on me. 

I finally said, “Do you mind me calling you Nicky?” 

No response. 

“Would you prefer Nicholas?” 

Still no response. He was almost like a statue. 

My breath was growing shallow at the picture he made, and I started wondering if I still had that roll of packing tape in a kitchen drawer. 

“How about Nick?” That brought an impossibly gorgeous smile to his face. Then he straightened up, casually came over to me in a cat-like stroll, took my face in his elegant hands and kissed me. 

He fucking kissed me! 

Holy fucking shit, he fucking kissed me!!!!! 

And what a fucking kiss. Just lips to lips, no tongue. Only the slightest of touch but...but... 

The kind that reminds you of all that is good and pure and lovely and desired in the world.

Nothing vile or base or animalistic, just the beauty of existence. 

The joy of giving and receiving. 

 Of joining with another human being in all that is holy and meaningful in life. 

A connection that demanded permanence and reverence and love eternal. 

It couldn’t end. It never could end. Please never let it end. 

So when he pulled away, even though it was only the slightest bit, I nearly wept until... 

Until he whispered, “I like Niko. Call me Niko.” 

And he kissed me, again. This time caressing my lips with his tongue. Parting then gently. Oh so gently. Until his met mine with the barest of touches and my heart all but stopped and my breath nearly ended and...and...I could not think because I...I... 

I was lost in that glorious world.

Demands by the audience or the story?

I'm gearing towards a kinder, gentler ending to Taking Nicky, it seems...but the readers I'm hearing from seem to be expecting something truly vicious and cruel. And to be honest, that is what I was suggesting throughout the story, so far. 

So...do I follow the story's demands? Give the characters buttercups and Sunday brunch? Or do I impose explosions and fireworks? I'm torn between the two.

The former would be a surprise. A twist in the story's structure, but workable. In fact, it would give me the opportunity to show two men making pure, sensuous love with no limits. Which is appealing. I could write it to be as erotic as I wanted maybe even over a couple of chapters...

The latter would be a bit on the predictable side. Bam! Crush, kill, destroy. Which I have done in other work. Hell, the ending to Dirc and the Dyarvos Cafe has both, but that book was SF/Fantasy/Horror...

Thing is, when I tried to do a happy ending in Underground Guy and The Beast in the Nothing Room, response was they weren't as strong as could have been. Same for Porno Manifesto. So maybe happy endings aren't my forté.

The ending to A Place of Safety's 3 volumes wound up a lot quieter than I expected, and far gentler, but I would hardly call it a happy ending. Just the right one. And Bobby Carapisi needed a gentle ending of hope, so that fit.

I dunno. I may try it both ways and see with feels best.