Difficult day...

I didn't want to do anything, today. Just sit and mope, and I have no idea why. It wasn't lack of sleep. Nothing was being overwhelming. I simply did not have the will to do anything.

I finally did go through chapter 5 of MQM and it's another 10 pages, but it took a lot of effort...and I wound up going out to get groceries after my first pass through it. Did another after I came home.

I also needed a planner for 2027, so drove to an Office Depot about 4 miles away...and didn't like anything they had to offer. The closest I came to one didn't have room in the spiral binding for me to slip a pen into. So I left with nothing.

Went to a Tops Grocery Store and of the three things I wanted, they had none in stock. So I left, tried to talk myself into grabbing dinner but couldn't think of anything I wanted to pay for, so went to another Tops, wound up having a DP and Doritos, and bought over $100 in groceries before coming home.

And I moped the whole time. I'm sure I looked like a cranky old man...because I was. But now I have food enough for another two weeks.

So I'm through part of Simon's cataloguing and packing job and he's had his first consultation with a lawyer, who tells him to take a deal and live with it. But Simon won't. Actually can't. There is some aspect in his genetic makeup that locks in place and refuses to let him back down when he's being abused.

As of now, he's been back to the store and walked the distance from the streetlamp to a nearby school and the claim he exposed himself to Jansen within the school's safety zone is easy to disprove. He's hoping that will persuade the prosecutor to withdraw the charges.

I have a feeling this is a weak part of the book and may need another pass or two, already...maybe even a full rethink...but I'm going to stick with my plan to do a chapter a day and not go back to rewrite what I'd already done until I'm done.

At least, as best I can.

(BTW, the artist is Omar Chaves Vitero)

More progress...

Okay, Chapter 5 is gone through and is 10 pages, though it could become 11. It's right at the edge. This part has Simon smoothing things over with the man whose books he's cataloguing and packing, and he's determined not to give in to what he considered little more than blackmail by the prosecutor's office.

I did go back into Chapter 4 to clarify a point and add a detail that would be good there. I also worked up a bit more description about where Simon has his run-in with Elissa. I'd just put foyer, but that means nothing, so now it's a corridor leading to the exit, and Elissa comes in and meets him, partway, to talk. But that's it. I doubt I'll need to do any more of that.

I'm now over 62,350 words so even though I'm cutting I'm also adding. For example, I expanded the meeting between Simon and the public defender, Franklin Granger, to emphasize how wary the man is about fighting the charge.

I already have nearly two-dozen named characters in this book, and probably more to come. But I can't just refer to people as Public Defender guy or Bank Clerk if they're going to be important in any way to the story. I won't do this for everyone, just the select few who warrant it, in my opinion.

I also input another row of books relating to APoS onto my spreadsheet. Now have 150+ over 5 shelves. Only have 10 more shelves to go. And I have 6 tabs set for the lists. Books on Ireland, Houston, Irish Fiction/NF, Dair's Window (which I may break down to Adam and Dair), general fiction, general non fiction.

That's proving to be a lot more work than I thought...

Progress...

Chapter 4 is done. another 10 pages. Simon has his first run-in with Elissa Manville, an assistant prosecutor who works with Chris Walstead. He's also had his first taste of the laziness or cowardice exhibited by a public defender who takes the side of Ivan Jansen, the cop who arrested Simon.

I'm also making a list of my books, like I already did for my DVDs and CDs. I have 4 of my 12 shelves of books input, so far. Just over 110 titles, all of them related to my research on APoS. I still have more to go, but doing this helps give me a sense of accomplishment.

It looks like I may have a quickie job in LA, the end of the month. I want to go, but travel is not going to be easy. The airline schedules are ridiculous, let alone the prices. The best one seems to be Southwest, whether I like it or not, because I'm flying into Burbank. They aren't the cheapest, but I don't have to route through Denver.

And since when did JetBlue start selling tickets on United? Which wants to take me through O'Hare. I got stuck at O'Hare for three days, once, thanks to United. I have avoided them ever since. American's not all that great and also likes the O'Hare route, though DFW is a close second, while Delta helps ICE with deporting people so I am morally opposed to them.

Guess we'll have to see how it goes. At least my credit card balance is down to zero so I should be fine.

Chapter Three...

Guess I'm aiming for each chapter of MQM to be 10-12 pages. Double-spaced in 12 point Courier, of course. Makes for much easier reading and gets me to work harder at brevity. I can get chatty in my work, and I think that will be a mistake, in this project.

Chapter Three is where Simon is arrested, and I shifted it from being a sexual misunderstanding to the cop being paranoid because Simon took a photo of him standing under a streetlamp. He thinks Simon's going to use it to mess with him in the gay community, so overreacts.

I changed the cop's name to Frederick Jansen...but may go for Ivan Jansen, instead. Not sure which best suits him, yet.

I do indicate he looks like a juice junky and Simon wants nothing to do with a man like that. He only liked the image Jansen made thanks to the shadows cast by the satreetlamp hiding most of his puffiness.

Next comes Simon being booked and then appearing before a judge for bail. A public defender handles that for him and he's allowed to go free...but that's Chapter Four.

I'm doing the Ozempic injections...well, injection, so far. Did it Saturday night so I'd have Sunday to deal with any side effects. So far...just a bit light-headed, but it's the minimal dose. 0.25mg. Doing it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, but that was helped by me being able to use my right thigh instead of my stomach.

I may work myself into using my belly, but not sure. I'm still scarred by getting rabies shots in my stomach as a child. God, I've had so much rotten shit in my life...

Another Chapter...

I think I may do one chapter a day, write it through, go over it once for clarity, and move on. I might be able to keep that going. Here's some of what I wrote, setting Simon up as neatly as I can. He's en route to Barrington (and I used Reilly Golden for this)...

------

Fortunately, a Flying J Truck Stop was approaching so Simon pulled into it. Partly to break his train of thought and partly to take a piss. He also thought he’d purchase an ice cream sandwich. These actions, together, should help him regain control of his memories and focus on preparations for this packing job. 

He was at the freezer case picking through the offerings when... 

A young man entered the store. 

A gorgeous young man. 

Tall. Cocky. Swagger just right for a t-shirt slopped over a wide belt and buckle around well-worn jeans. Boots that were anything but new. He was trim and cool, with perfect proportions. Taut muscles bulging but not overly so. Good flow from his back to a nicely rounded ass. And that I’m too fucking hot for you attitude that always brought out the prowling alleycat in Simon...

Who had been using the stop’s WIFI to check emails on his phone, so opened his camera and snuck a dozen photos as the young man strode past. Then stopped to peruse the soft drinks. Then squatted down in a manner that was close to balletic to grab an energy drink. Then sauntered back to the cashier with the sensuality of a cougar strolling through its domain. All without so much as a glance in anyone’s direction. 

For a moment, Simon was unable to think of what he should do next. He just gazed upon the lad until he left the building. Then he took in a deep breath, paid for his ice cream sandwich, and followed him out...

Just in time to see him climb into the cab of a long-bed semi, bring it to life, and pull out of the parking lot back to the highway. 

Simon stood in place for nearly five minutes, watching after the semi until his sandwich had all but melted out of its wrapper and all over his hand. He tore the wrapper open, shoved the entire mess into his mouth, ran back inside to wash his hands, then scurried over to his CRV. 

He had his sketchbook with him and a fine pen, so sat in the parking area for an hour, working up an image of the lad off the photos on his phone. He settled on one of him standing before the door to the cooler. Three-quarter pose, expression intent on the selection. Surrounding him with shadows. Sharp illumination blasting on him from the front with only a hint of reflection to show the lovely form of his back, ass and legs. All as if he were outside caught by the headlights of a passing vehicle. Done in the loose black and white graphic style he so loved. 

Of course, he emphasized the lad’s crotch a bit more than it really was, added a baseball cap, and made his nipples perky enough to notice. But by the time he was done, he had a good preliminary sketch to transfer into acrylic on canvas. He just needed to figure out how he would show the light source. 

But that’s easy, Simon thought. Open door to daylight. Hint of a room in the shadows. Facing the world in full.

Like I never have.

And here we go...

The first chapter of MQM is redone, and I've cut 600 words already. Lots of it chitter-chatter, but too much background had been loaded in, too. And something else...I am writing this whole story to the end before I do any more rewriting. So now this part is done till I am done.

Of course, I know I'm rewriting the parts I have already written, but there are blank areas between the disparate chapters and I want those completed. Meaning I'm rewriting and then writing and then rewriting to fit all the writing and what I've rewritten. Makes sense...sort of...

So...it still starts with Simon being talked into going to Barrington, Ohio, to pack a collection of 100 titles for a book dealer he knows in London. It's an easy job, and they'll be going to the dealer's NYC shop, so no need for extra paperwork or special care beyond the basics.

But a voice in his head is warning him not to go. That it will not turn out well. He's in his 70s and getting too old for this work. However, he needs the money and can think of no logical reason not to accept the job. And so begins the end of his life.

I wonder if I should write a pamphlet about the proper packing of antiquarian books for shipping. I started to, once, then got sidetracked. I even did illustrations...god, way back when...whenever. I may go through that, again, since I'm getting to the point I really cannot continue with this.

Doesn't need to be extensive...just careful in its explanations...

Simon returns to lead...

It's funny I say that, because what I worked on today is the ending third of the book. Which takes ReShawn's pov as he begins to figure out what happened. Again, it's from his immediate viewpoint, like with Brendan, but this is what Simon wants.

I can indicate what's happening around him as he marches to his fate. And maybe set up aspects that ReShawn doesn't see which might lead to the punishment of those who killed him. 

But now that we have an understanding, Simon and I, I feel more optimistic about the story. I can see the blocks fitting into place.

As of this moment, I have 61,500 words total. Maybe 10% will be cut because they no longer fit, but I have a lot to add to the story. So it may wind up as about 75K. Which is livable.

The meaning behind the story seems to be, The universe is what it is, and has no moral center. Only humans do, and far too many people ignore that in themselves in exchange for momentary comfort or satisfaction...and shrug justice off onto some vague notion of karma.

Simon is at an age where he can see that now, and reacts accordingly when he's taken into the woods. And everything needs to lead up to that...as I already knew. But now I can see how to do it.

I'll still whine and complain, but suddenly I can see the end of this project when I couldn't before.

And I hope it will resonate.

Am I dishonest?

Or am I full of shit? I have to wonder, sometimes. I can think of nothing I've done where I truly feel I did my best. It's always done just enough....and that is not good.

Even with APoS, I think I avoided digging deeper into the story and characters by limiting it to Brendan's immediate awareness. Which also limited the scope of the story. Much is seen, but so much more is hidden.

That's not to say I'm not proud of the book; I am, very. It's an achievement I hold on to when I'm careening into my moments of self-loathing. And sense of worthlessness. And just plain anger at myself for not being fully present in my work.

If that makes any sense.

Anyway, until just after noon, I was feeling completely lost, unable to focus on either MQM or DW or anything. Really just bouncing off walls. But then a potential job in LA snapped me back into gear. Just a couple hundred books but of high value...

...Just like what Simon is doing. And I saw what I needed to focus on.

So I worked up an estimate for me to go there...and FWIW, air fares are insane and the schedules offered are ludicrous. Now they'll submit it, and we'll see how it goes. But at least it gave me a kick in the ass from the MQM side.

Simon is ready to work. I was close to junking the whole structure, but doing so would have collapsed the story into chaos and trying to make that work was affecting me and that's where my freak-out began...and he simply said, It's my story; shut up and let me tell it.

He wants me to keep the storyline I'd started and work off that. Make it fit in as smooth a way as possible. And he has provided the beginning of the meaning behind the story.

There is evil in the world, and it works in ways so soft and quiet you never notice it until you're trapped by it...and you have to become it to fight back. If you can.

Or something like that.

Trying to understand...

Simon came knocking at my brain, today, with a little dittie he wrote.

You live your life with care and grace

And in the end you have to face

The fact it never was a race

And soon you’re gone without a trace.

Then we chatted a bit, and the subject of preferences came up. He pointed out that while Dillon was a very attractive man, Simon wasn't interested in him. And used Michael Yerger as an example.

Very good-looking. In great shape. Available under the right circumstances. Probably even circumcised, which is important to him (and me). BUT...neither he nor I are the least bit attracted to the guy.

It's something that just happens. There have been many instances where I see a gorgeous man but have zero interest in getting to even know him let alone want to have sex with him. And I don't know the reason for that feeling. It's just...automatic.

And it's usually visceral. There are certain actors I don't like the second I see a photo of them. Jonathan Rhys-Myers is one. Robert Pattinson is another, and his bit in Harry Potter... was hard to get past. I just automatically want nothing to do with either of them...and that includes watching any program they're in. Same for Kristen Stewart.

I don't know why that happens; it just does. Simon doesn't dislike Dillon because he's the assistant prosecutor. He flat out does not trust him from the second he meets him. Doesn't want to turn his back on him. He feels warmer to Paley, who lied and busted him over nothing.

I don't even begin to understand why...but it's the reason he refuses to take the deal Dillon offers.

Which may be leading MQM in a whole new direction...

Tim Curry, too?

Jesus Christ, who's next? Michael Caine? Robert De Niro? Judy Dench? This nonstop loss is hurting me.

I saw The Rocky Horror Picture Show in San Antonio while at Trinity University. 1977. There was an ad in the school paper, showing Frankie in full corset and fishnets, and I had to go. If I remember right, it was at the Northwest Theatre, off Loop 410 and I-10. Six screens.

I was at the first midnight screening and it was full but not all that participatory, yet. I got to hear the whole film without the crowd's responses. Those started up within a few weeks. I brought a water pistol and bought popcorn and a Hershey's chocolate bar with a soda by the third time I saw it.

Fifty years later and I can still quote it...probably because I've seen it dozens of times. And I still love the message: Don't dream it, be it...no matter what the consequences.

That was Tim...and I had such a crush on him. So lean and frisky and just plain out there. He had no duplicate. No shadow worth noting. He is, was, and always will be one of a kind.

I got to meet him when I was working at Book Soup, handling the newsstand. The moment I saw him, I choked up. Couldn't speak. He was so very gracious and smiled and said, "It's a pleasure to meet you," in his melodious purring voice. Even though we hadn't actually officially met. And all I could do is nod like an idiot.

I know he's been ill for well over a decade, but still...him leaving on the same day as Dolly is so fucking hard to bear.