Back to it...

Some restructuring, today. I took the bit where Simon tends to Doyle as he dies from KS and mixed it into the part where he's being driven to what he knows will be his death.

He doesn't say it, but it's indicated he feels guilty about that and wonders if karma is about to visit him. Mainly due to the brutally honest way he was with Doyle. 

Granted, the man died 40 years ago, and he'd treated Simon abysmally, but he still isn't sure what he did was forgivable. It was a cruel thing to do to a dying man.

Shifting it took some rewriting and trimming, of which there will be a lot more once I have all the parts connected in this draft. But it is coming together...almost despite me.

This is not going to be a short novel. I can easily see it becoming 120K in wordage because I'm letting Simon's mind fill spaces between the actions. Or informing on the actions being taken.

Like when he's in the back of the police cruiser and Officer Corelli is driving. The young man lied under oath to help the cop who arrested Simon, and has effectively kidnapped him. But he still enjoys the young man's Roman profile and thick black hair and broad shoulders...and he wonders what it would have been like to take him. To write him into one of his stories. Even in the middle of a very intense situation.

Simon also wants to remember the beauty of a Persian pilot he became involved with while working at a newsstand. After the Shah was deposed, Iran began killing gay men and women. So Simon wonders about him, even fifty years later. However, that memory will come earlier in the story.

It's almost like MQM is becoming his biography as well as a commentary on the broken system of justice in this country.

Down day...

I'm 74 fucking years old and still cannot quite accept that reality. How the hell did I survive this long? All the stupid shit I've done...yet here I am. Overfed and overly self-indulgent. And working on a book whose meaning escapes me.

Completely.

But ignorance never kept me from doing anything in the past so I guess this won't, either. My one saving grace, at the moment, is I'm having a glass of milk. 2%, not whole. I'm so health-conscious. That it comes after having had a slice of chocolate cake with strawberries is entirely beside the point.

Funny, but milk has always been my go-to when I feel the need to reset myself, in any way. I've never been big on drinking water except to keep from becoming dehydrated. Iced tea is nice, with lemon and a dash of sugar. Hot tea with milk and honey. And DPZ is what I most enjoy with meals.

But milk is almost like a comfort food. I could live on it. Love that cheese is made from it. And butter. And even yoghurt, though I'm not as into that as I used to be. I began to lose interest when Dannon cut back on its offerings, and Greek yoghurt is nice but not quite what I want, anymore.

I'm finding a lot of me is going into Simon, helping to flesh him out. I'm beginning to see him more and more in some believable form, within my mind. And sensing his wishes and dreams...and his own amazement at having reached his age.

He still won't tell me what it is he wants to say with this novel...but I think I can finally trust the process. The spine of the story is there. All that matters now is the flesh on the bones.

Excuses allowed...

Okay, I think I had a rough reaction to the anesthesia used on my colonoscopy. When I returned from it, the rental office noticed I was really loopy and called, today, to see if I was all right. I hadn't realized just how goofy I was.

But yeah, it's like I was drunk. Couldn't have walked a straight line if my life depended on it. And even after sleeping off a lot more of it, that might be what I was so fucked up, all day. And whether it's true or not, I'm sticking with that story.

Today was a lot better. I reworked chapter one of MQM and I think I may have locked in the voice of the piece. Semi-jokey. Detailed more. A light, almost conversational touch on the grammar. And cleared out not only some repetition but some bits that didn't really work.

It helped that the nurse practitioner from Aetna, who was supposed to come check out my meds and see how I'm doing handling the diabetes and such, canceled. An hour before she was due.

On a good note, I got some really good feedback on The Alice '65 from the office secretary. I'd lent it to her and she loved it. Thought it was fun and surprising, and she liked how I showed several aspects of Casey as well as Adam. Even loved Gertrude. That made my day.

Something else it did was give me pause to see I was making MQM too heavy. The story is a tragedy but also the story of an elderly gay man's life. So I'm adding in more fun on his part. Like how he gets a wicked pleasure in writing erotic ditties about men he either likes or wants to get even with...and publishes them.

Simon's no saint...though I just remembered that The Saint was named Simon.

Train wreck

That's me, right now. A survivor. Because I went through the arduous process of preparing for a colonoscopy, yesterday till this morning, and it totally fucked with my brain and emotional stability, let alone physical well-being. All day, all night. And I'm still regrouping.

I thought I'd be able to work on MQM, at least a little, but my brain shot everywhere. I wound up watching all 4 episodes of the 25th season of Midsomer Murders. Which I'd already seen...but recently got a DVD copy of it and have a thing for Nick Hendrix.

Why? No idea. He's not exactly my type. But I used him as the model for Finley Winterbourne in The Beast in the Nothing Room a few years back and my crush has not diminished. This image is from episode three, where a couple of women are watching him build a gazebo, shirtless, and enjoying themselves.

Is that also known as the female gaze? I liked it...and I be so happy they are filming Season 26.

At least I managed to take out my recycling, but I'm giving up on doing anything more. Brain is too fucked up and I'm still on the achy side. I blame it on my age. The last time I had one of these things, I was still in my 60s. Now I'm an old fuck dreaming about Brit boys I'll never never even know.

The horror of all existence...

Zoned...

I have no idea what I did today. Seriously, nothing. It's like I've been grabbed and held in place...

Well...not exactly. I did start prep for a colonoscopy by making Jello. And I worked up diagrams to use for building a couple of crates for boxes of books. But other than that? Blank.

I know I scrolled FB, Xitter, Instagram, email, my GMail and Tumblr. Responded to messages. Sort of. And did get mean-assed a couple times.

Of course, tomorrow's going to be even worse, because then I'm going into heavy-duty prep for an 8am procedure on Wednesday. Liquid diet and a full cleansing.

I've already fucked up by eating a chili relleno that had corn in it. You're supposed to avoid corn for 5 days. So I'm focused on the avoid and will let them know when I check in.

It's funny, but this isn't the first time I've had a colonoscopy. It will be my fourth. And each time a single polyp got removed that turned out to be benign. But something about this one is eating into me.

Maybe it's because my back hurts. My left shin itches from what seems like an insect bite but I can't find evidence of one. My left neck and shoulder are aching. And I'm in my seventies, now. Feeling pretty fragile, even though I know I'm doing a lot better than most people, health wise.

I've also developed Type 2 Diabetes since the last one. So I don't know. Maybe I'm entering full-blown cranky old man phase of life...or just a fatalistic view of everything thanks to age and the political climate.

I do have a couple ideas to add to MQM if I can get past my self-pity. Elissa dissing Simon's art, for one. Maybe. It's insulting, but I don't want this to be initiated by hurt feelings. Yet I'm still lost as to the meaning of the story.

I dunno...I'll just write it and see what comes up.

Addition...

Simon is approached by a representative of Barrington's LGBTQA+ community, who know about Paley and his homophobia. They exchange notes and Simon now has more info to push back against the charges.

I wonder why it took me so long to figure out something like this would happen? There was a news story about his arrest. And it turns out he's not the first person Paley's pulled his nonsense with. But the idea came out of nowhere, today, and added nearly 2000 words to the story.

My feeling is it will also play in later...like maybe they turn on him when he's accused of child molestation. Not sure about that, because it doesn't get broadcast about till after he's dead. I'll have to think about that.

Right now, I think I've got maybe 2/3 of the story worked up. I can see a list of things I need to add in and some I'd been thinking about that aren't necessary. So despite me, it's coming together.

It's been difficult, today, for a different reason. I've been doing a light workout to increase the circulation in my legs, and somehow I hurt my back. The lower left side of it. I went through the motions of what leg exercises I'd done while pressing on it, and I can feel my hips and backbone shifting in a way that is not comfortable.

Amazing. Every time I've tried to work out I've wound up getting hurt. Friends of mine have said the gym is the most dangerous place there is outside of the home...and I now believe them. No more exercises.

All in order...

Kelly Boesch

The parts I've written are now placed about where I think they should go, and this has 53,800 words. There are still some gaps -- like the trial's final arguments and the verdict, Simon in jail, ReShawn taking over Simon's case for appeal -- and I'm already thinking of moving one section to later in the story. But it's got a basic shape, now.

I'm still fighting with the characters as to what the story is about. Is the ending hopeless? Hopeful? Meaningless? Simon is never heroic. He's just stubborn, that's all. ReShawn doesn't save the day. He does as much as he can then moves on with his life. No one is officially punished.

I can't connect it with the ICE murders of Alex Pretti and Renee Goode because those happened in the open and a massive swathe of America is laughing about them. Applauding them. Like they do when ICE murders an immigrant, be they legal or not. The MAGAt Cult comes out to mock the dead and defend the killers.

This story has nothing to do with that. Simon's body was not supposed to be found. Paley wanted it to seem like he jumped bail in the face of accusations of molesting a child. An accusation that falls apart the moment it's examined by the State's Attorney General. It's only a fluke that he is found.

I've already shown the callousness of the system of justice and society at large when dealing with victims of rape, in Bobby Carapisi. Doesn't matter that it was men raped in that story; the attitudes and actions of American society in response to the women and children listed in the Epstein Files and E Jean Carroll only emphasize how cruel and uncaring too damn many people are to everyone in that situation.

I have this nasty feeling I'm going to do a lot of work getting the events in order then finally understand the meaning of it all and have to rearrange everything.

Structuring steadily...

Step by step it's coming together. I've decided to put everything I have written into a sort of order, with notes here and there showing what still needs to be written. As of now it's closing in on 60K in wordage.

I still don't know why I'm telling this story. I feel like I'm looking at it. Seeing it. But not understanding it because it's caught in a dead calm and I cannot reach it.

Seriously, I have no clue as to why the prosecutors are pushing the case forward...except for ego, and that is a weak excuse. But neither Dillon nor Elissa are being forthcoming, and Paley is just happy to be a dick.

Of course, I'm finding there are a lot of people in the world like that. Gaining joy from hurting others. Half the comments on FaceBook posts, as well as Xitter and Instagram, come from men and women happily being assholes to the original poster for no more reason than they can.

I follow some trans men from the US, UK and EU, and many of the comments are amazingly dismissive if not hateful. The usual "You're still a girl" nonsense spat at a man who's got a beard and more muscles than any of them. It is really quite childish. On the level of an 8th grade bully or mean girl.

I don't think MQM is about that. It seems pretty obvious and surface-level...and really too easy an excuse for Dillon. But what other reason could there be for him to keep prosecuting Simon? I can't see mere momentum being the cause, because prosecutors have consistently dropped cases that become too hard to win.

I'm at a complete loss.

Is my ADHD taking over?

I told myself repeatedly to get back onto writing MQM but always found something else to do. Emails. Messaging with people. And, at times, just zoning.

I finally reminded myself I had to go to the PO to send a parcel off to my niece, but I was still almost unable to move because I also wanted to get lunch. But where would I go and how much did I want to spend and...and finally just made chili Tostitos, here, because it was too much trouble to decide.

Then I went out and after the PO got a cone at DQ. I also thought I'd get a couple of things at a grocery store. But the second I found they were completely out of something I wanted...I put everything else back and came home. Got into a funk and took a 2 hour nap.

Of course, then I found out I'd left my daily planner in the shopping cart at the grocery story. Now I have to go get it, tomorrow, since the customer service office was about to close.

So I made Fettuccine Alfredo for dinner...and ate it all...as I sat at my laptop...and wound up writing a chapter connecting Simon's release from jail through ReShawn's discussion with his wife to the ending I'd written. Added 1200 words...which got a first draft of the last third of the story done.

Without intending to. It just happened.

I really do wonder if I have Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. It's difficult for me to regulate attention, filter distractions, and control impulses. I can barely stay focused, am very forgetful, struggle with organization, and frequently lose items. I also have trouble finishing tasks. Just no hyperactivity, on my part.

Seriously, there are times when I just stand in the middle of the room and try to figure out what to do, next. And on many occasions I've talked myself out of starting something because it takes too many steps to complete.

So if I do finish this book, I'm close to thinking it will be a miracle. And I have no idea how well it will turn out...or even if it will make sense. I guess the point will be getting it done.

The simple fact that I'm still managing to move forward with it in any way is amazing to me. Just like it was with APoS. So maybe I was born with some mental or emotional glitches and am just now catching on to how deeply ingrained they are. Or something.

Stupid is as stupid does...

I binge-rewatched the Acorn production of Murder Before Evensong, last night. Well...into 4:30am. And like it even more. But I still didn't go to bed till nearly 8am. Only got a few hours sleep. And all day I've been cranky and unable to focus.

It was a stupid thing to do, and very self-indulgent. I didn't even shower, which is really unusual, for me. I hate going to bed not feeling clean.

Not that I'd done anything in the way of sweating. Yesterday was rainy and cool. I just went out for more DPZ and bananas, and had no intention of leaving my apartment today. Which I didn't.

It wasn't a total waste. I had a couple ideas come to me for connecting the state police and AG taking on the investigation of Simon's murder to ReShawn's conversation with Viona to him taking his son to a little league game. I've run over the conversation he has with Arlon and expanded it.

Prior to that, ReShawn will also have a biting back and forth with Elissa on the responsibility for Simon's death. He's found out who revealed where Simon was staying to a podcaster named Frahnkly Frank, so he could try to interview him.

He is angry she and Dillon were trying so hard to convict Simon and suggests she helped create the situation that led to his death. But she shoves the responsibility for it back onto him, pointing out he could have taken Simon home and to the bus depot the next day, but instead put him into a hotel.

"You didn't want him near your son," she says. "So don't get all moralistic with me. Deep down you felt the same about him as I do."

And there is no way to deflect that reality.