Kick in the ass...

Seeing my brother now, after I last saw him just two weeks ago, shows how severely he's been wasting away. If he weighs more than eighty pounds, I'd be surprised. And it's horrifying to watch.

And a reminder that when death has decided it's time to take you, it's time.

I'm ten years older than him. Granted, I've taken better care of myself, relatively speaking, and made certain to check in with health professionals to do better...while I'm nowhere near perfect with it.

But he did nothing. Wouldn't see a dentist till it was too late to save his teeth. Got one cataract removed but never went back for the other, even though our sister was paying for it. Smoked. Drank. Ate very little so was always rail thin...something I haven't been able to say about myself since college. Hadn't had a checkup in decades.

But he is emphasizing in me a realization that I won't have all that much time left, as mentioned in previous posts. I could have dropped dead this morning just trying to get from my hotel to the airport. They don't offer shuttle service, so I decided to walk the mile and a half.

That was a struggle, since there were no sidewalks along the roads leading to Austin's airport. And once at the car rental area, no signage telling me where my car was. And poor signage leading me to I-35 south. If I hadn't already known where I needed to go, I'd have been lost.

So I'm embracing my inner demons and accepting the direction Taking Nicky is going...threatening to kidnap and assault a man who's married and has kids as a trial run for Nicky's abduction. Rett even refers to himself as a father-fucker, now.

Good thing it's all fantasy...

I am so over JetBlue

Once, again, JetBlue is fucking me over. I'm heading to Austin from Buffalo, and changing planes in Fort Lauderdale...

...and the bastards have delayed my flight to Austin by 2.5 hours, putting me in after 1am. Car rental offices close at midnight, and it will be too late to get a shuttle to my hotel. I may have to walk.

My cunning plan was to drive a car one-way to San Antonio, tomorrow morning, but now I won't get down there till around 1 or 2pm instead of before noon. Because I won't get to bed till about 3am, my body clock time...at the earliest. Not a big deal, but it's an irritation I didn't need, right now.

JetBlue did this to me in Chicago, about a year ago. My flight from O'Hare to Buffalo kept getting delayed, so the second notification I received I checked Southwest, had points enough to go from Midway, so canceled the JetBlue flight and did SW. Got JB's costs back in travel funds, which I've used up all but $109.00 of...and may lose that if I don't book another flight by the 13th.

But I don't trust them, now. Southwest can have its issues, but nothing like this has ever happened with them. It has with United, twice, which is why I do not fly them if I have a choice. Now JB is on that list.

So I worked on Taking Nicky and uploaded chapter 8 to GayDemon. It should be available, tomorrow. But a recap... Rett is forcing Ben and Liam to procure him the young man he saw in one of Georgie's videos. Making them accomplices in a rape...and forcing them to help him with Nicky.

This went a wild direction, and I don't think Rett is fool enough to think Ben and Liam won't try to find a way out of the situation. He'll need to make them want to be part of it. He's already shown Ben how amazing a blowjob can be. Maybe weave more of the sexual beauty around them like a drug, of sorts. It could work...

I just need to remember this is not realistic. It's all fantasy, so I can get away with a lot if I just make it believable in the world of these lads. Which I'm trying to do.

Rett's also learned Ben and Liam are older than they claimed...except they never actually told him their ages. Hmm...he assumed because they looked young they were underage. I need to rethink that.

But I am kind of enjoying the way this story is working itself out.

Travel time

Heading back to San Antonio, tomorrow. Not sure what to expect. My brother is deteriorating, but that's all I know for certain. I don't want him to suffer, but at least I know he's got a solid regime of pain management through hospice. I guess we'll see what happens. Good thing is, this way I can give my sister and her husband a break from caring for him, for a bit.

Except...with all the snow, I'm not positive I'll get out of Buffalo, tomorrow. I have a three hour layover in Fort Lauderdale's airport, so have leeway if we leave late. But I finally got it through my thick skull that sometimes things are out of your control and you just deal with what happens. I got travel insurance on the flight. Hope it's not needed.

I posted chapter 7 of Taking Nicky on GayDemon...and it looks like Rett may have figured out a way to get the guy. He'll need help and has a good idea how to make Ben and Liam offer it. Maybe even a third as-yet unnamed dude. Not sure yet. Vance may not even be involved.

Reality is, I won't know how it's going to go till it's done. And no telling when it will be done during this trip. But it will be. And then I will turn back to Blood Angel. And then...Dair's Window.

At least, that's my plan, for now...

As usual...

Taking Nicky has shifted in a new direction and is becoming more complex and involved than I intended. I just wanted to write a quick MM story about a man's obsession turning into something criminal...and it's becoming more than that. Thanks to the characters.

Rett has found a secret room in his condo that was well-hidden between his office and the bathroom. His office used to be a small bedroom and he never paid attention to the fact that one wall didn't really line up with the bathroom's wall. Mainly because the wall in the bathroom had built in closet with shelves for towels and linens and such, hiding how much space was actually used.

In it? A mini editing suite with feeds from 9 tiny camera lenses set up around the bedroom and hidden in the molding. Which Rett hadn't bothered to have redone. There are DVDrs and an unfinished set of videos on the setup showing the man he thinks is Georgie, the prior owner of the condo, molesting a young man who's bound to a bed.

It's obvious what they're doing is pretending he's been kidnapped and is being molested. Rett even recognizes a tattoo on the guy as being one he's seen down at the skater park. So he starts to suspect Ben and Liam procured guys for Georgie to film. Get a blow job and make some cash.

He's now wondering if he's being set up by Ben and Liam...and it seems we're leading to those two knowing Vance. And letting Vance know of Rett's obsession with Nicky. And God only knows where it goes from there.

I have to take a moment and let it settle in my head. I'm not sure I like this direction. And not sure I don't like it. It's not as if I'm trying to write the great American novel, here...or even good porn. It's just an outlet...so my big concern now is to keep it from becoming too self-important.

Which Rett and Vance already don't like, and Ben and Liam think I'm being ridiculous about.

Coming soon...

I'm working up a new website for my adult books, and paying someone to do it properly. I can't really afford that, but it's needed and I've been putting it off too long. You see, I just don't know how the hell to do it right, and haven't the patience to learn.

I decided to keep the MM books completely separate from my mainstream ones to simplify promoting them. I'm not hiding anything; they all have my name on them and if you Google me, How to Rape a Straight Guy is one of the first things to come up. 

Now they're going to be under the KMSMM website name, and we'll see how it turns out.

The main deal is, I'm 73 years old. I don't need to hide anything anymore. Not even in this insane, fucked-up political climate.

I already knew enough about history to know that there has always been a sizable portion of mankind that is just plain cruel. Evil. Beastly. It shows throughout history, even from prehistoric times. Man is an animal, and like many animals has a streak of viciousness in him that cannot be removed. Only controlled...if they even want to.

This century has brought me to the understanding that probably 40% of humanity 1) does not care about anyone but themselves, 2) rejoices in the pain and suffering of those they do not like and 3) considers themselves the hierarchy of humanity. And me ever pretending some of that is not in me is really ridiculous.

I manage mine by writing books that let me vent it onto the page instead of hurting people. I've known for a while I have an unhealthy obsession with serial killers like John Wayne Gacy, Dean Corll, Randy Kraft and William Bonin. Writing books like Hunter, The Beast in the Nothing Room, and Underground Guy have given me an outlet for that obsession...which is relatively healthy...

Even as my stories grow darker and colder and crueler and my style grows more chatty and light. What can I say? I'm a psycho.

I love it when it snows...

...But only because I don't have to go out in it. Only, today I did, and it was a blizzard. Seriously. Took me half an hour to dig my car out so I could do what I needed to do. In a sharp wind that sent the snow sideways. Drove 5 miles an hour on snow-packed streets with other idiots out in it. And it's still snowing, out there.

But now I'm back in my cozy, warm apartment sipping hot tea and thinking about how to deal with new ideas for Taking Nicky. Suggestions made by the characters, for me to choose from.

Does Rett overpower Nicky, tie him up, take him to an isolated spot and rape him? It's what he wants to do but can't figure out how without eventually having to kill the guy to keep himself from being found out. And that's too stupid for him to do.

Does Rett find a way to drug Nicky and use him and record it, then use the recording to protect himself? You say anything and this is broadcast all over the world on YouTube. Not very reliable as a defense.

Does it turn out Nicky liked being forced into sex with Rett and now won't let him go? I've seen other stories like that, though, so not so sure it would work here.

Do Rett's buddies...Vance, Ben and Liam...find a way to become part of the assault on Nicky? Like find video he recorded years ago during a revenge rape. Not sure how to handle that.

Is Rett the one really being set up? He goes after Nicky but it's him who is wanted as the rape victim. Maybe as the eventual slave of an oligarch. Nicky's in on it with Vance, to help fund a movie? That's closer to fantasyland, but...

Decisions...decisions...

8th grade...

I reworked and fit Rett's school situation, when he stopped some bullies from bothering him into the story...

---------

You see, there’s something in my genetic makeup that kicks in, at times, and takes complete control of me. It’s like a switch that flicks on, starting up a maniacal focus mixed with a willingness to use violence to get my way. I first really paid attention to it in eighth grade. 

I used to doodle a lot, and wound up sketching women for the boys in my classes. Beautiful women. Anatomically correct...and very, very nude. Got those randy little shits feeling their testosterone. I’d sell them for a dollar and did okay business. 

But then two schoolyard bullies...Kenneth and Leo...got hold of one and threatened to turn me into the principal if I didn't give them half of what I made. 

I told them, "Go ahead." Automatic, on my part. Nobody blackmails me, even at the age of fourteen. 

So they did, and I got into huge trouble. Dragged into the principal's office. My folks were brought in. I was called a pornographer and horrible and needed to rethink my path in life and on and on. Slapped me with a two week suspension, and I was told if I was caught doing it, again, I’d be expelled. 

As if that would be a punishment. 

I hated that school. So I said nothing in response. Wouldn’t have made any difference, anyway. I loved those two weeks off. 

We were living in Fontana, at the time, thanks to my dad’s work at the airport. I had to ride a school bus since my folks were both deep into working and couldn’t take me. Half the brats on that bus were complete dicks to me because I wasn’t a cool kid, nor all that built up, back then, and I read a lot. That made me more nerd than they approved of. 

As for the teachers, they all wanted to make sure I understood that I was not living up to my potential, even though I was getting As and Bs... Well, except in art class. That dick hated everything I did and often used it as an example of what not to do...like a drawing of boots in a desert should minimize the shadows. Minimize shadows under a desert sun? Seriously? So it Cs only, there...which is part of the reason I shifted my focus to writing. Got As in English. 

Anyway, when 1 returned Kenneth and Leo and their little pack started in on me. Verbal harassment. Physical. That included one girl who rode the same school bus as me. She and I had ignored each other, since she got on the bus before me en route to school and had her clique of mean girls to be with on the trip home. But then she started getting on after me in the afternoon and as she passed would smack me on the head with a ring she wore. It had a large, sharp rhinestone on it which she'd shift around to her palm side, to hide what she was doing. 

I told her to stop. 

She wouldn't.

So come Friday when she did it, again, I smacked her in the side. She hit me again and I smacked her, again. And again. This continued until blood trailed down my face. She yelped and quickly moved away to be with her clique, giggling nervously. 

I just felt for the cut and pressed on it to stop the bleeding. 

Fucking bus driver did nothing about it. 

When my mother got home she freaked out over the blood on my shirt and backpack, but I wouldn’t tell her what happened. I had locked into this anger and revenge mode. And quickly worked out exactly what to do to Kenneth and his pack, on Monday. 

The day came. 

The pack of bullies swarmed me in a hallway, howling and threatening and snarling... 

Until Kenneth shoved me against the lockers. He hadn’t noticed I had a nice, sharp #2 pencil in my hand. I jerked my arm up and rammed it into the back of his left bicep. Tore in at an angle, and stuck. 

It was beautiful. Blood flew. Howls of pain. Students screamed. Teachers rushed over. A chaos of voices roared over each other as Kenneth showed them his arm and his pack pointed at me. 

He was carted off to the nurse’s station while I was hauled into the principal's office and told I was going to jail for assault. 

But this time I played the wide-eyed innocent and said, “It was an accident. He shoved me and my arm jerked, that’s all.” 

The principal didn’t believe me...until one teacher who'd actually seen it but was doing nothing to stop it was dumb enough to say, "He didn't shove you that hard." 

Which backed my claim up. As did the security cam that caught it all. No charges filed. Still a two-week suspension. But after that, the bullies left me alone. 

Probably because I whispered to Leo the first day I was back, “Next one goes in an eye.” 

Nicky flicked the switch on that attitude when he pulled his first asshole stunt while zooming past me on the bike pathway. It wasn’t overwhelming, yet, not like it could be. But it grew and expanded every time I saw him swooshing past and being his usual dickish self...

Until taking him enveloped me.

Distractions ending?

I've begun posting chapters of Taking Nicky on GayDemon.com. Have three up. If you want to read them, you're welcome to. It's free. They just will not be suitable for under 18, at all, and have some serious MM-noncon in them. But I'm using them as my therapy.

I'm going to try and get that novella done before I return to San Antonio. I have 13,300 words done and figure it will be about double that. I'll have access to good WiFi at my brother's apartment; I just don't know what kind of time or focus I'll be allowed.

Once this is done, I'm turning to finishing Blood Angel, my gay vampire series of stories. It's been on a back burner for too long and I want it finished. Now. 

In fact, I feel the need to complete everything I started. No more new stories.

So there's also completing Darian's Point as a book, Dair's Window and The Murder of a Quiet Man. Four total projects...well, five if I include TN...which will take me a while. But it's start now or start never, and never is not really an option.

Be interesting to see how long I can keep to this...

Too much going on...

My brother is at home with hospice coming in 3 times a week to work with him. Make him comfortable. And he seems to have calmed down a lot. He has good moments and bad, but the wild swings seem to have settled except for one thing...he won't eat.

I don't think it's right to make him do what he doesn't want to do. His cancer is terminal. He's not a candidate for chemo or surgery. So my thought is to just handle any pain and let things take their course.

My sister is dealing with this almost completely on her own. She's got some help from her husband and a nephew, but overall it's been on her. I'll do what I can to take over when I go down, giving her a break from it. But I don't know how much I can do. Guess we'll see.

The murder of Alex Pretti is also weighing on me, because the lack of full and complete pushback by Democratic leaders just confirms in my heart and soul that America is morally bankrupt. To allow the ICE thugs who shot that man nearly a dozen times as he lay on the ground...after he tried to help a woman they had attacked...to just walk away is depraved beyond belief.

I can't accept it. I can't handle it. I don't know what to do in response to it. The life I'd taken for granted in America is shattered...and I'm at a loss. The billionaire class has manipulated the MAGAt Cult into becoming their attack hounds, and they seem to be winning the battle. Good does not triumph here. It can't. Not enough people want it to.

I've tried to work on Taking Nicky, and did get a little more done, but finally just gave in, set up my laptop to play some Midsomer Murder mysteries and ironed my shirts and pants from weeks worth of laundry. Kept my mind off everything for a little bit.

It snowed all day, but now the clouds are gone and the half-moon is visible. Whatever happens won't be the end of the world...just the end of our lies about ourselves being decent human beings.

My world is at an end...and restarting...

ICE murdered another civilian in Minneapolis...an RN at the VA who was trying to help a woman they'd shoved to the ground...and Felon47's monsters are lying about it. He was pepper sprayed, pummeled by 6 of them and then shot point blank several times. And the MAGAt Cult is celebrating it...the motherfuckers...

Obviously, none of my screaming on Xitter and Instagram has done a bit of good, nor has contacting my reps. They're all cowards unwilling to do anything...though Schumer, one of my senators, finally said he won't let a funding bill go through, now.

How fucking brave and principled.

American is morally bankrupt. We let things get to this point, where this new gestapo is committing murder with impunity, because it was just too much trouble to stop it...and I don't know if we will be able to rebuild from this.

I shifted a lot of my anger into Taking Nicky and added nearly 3000 words...leading up to a point where Rett is going to show just how he gets even with a man who's wronged him. I'm going to have the target be a MAGAt POS to make it even sweeter.

I'm only going to publish this story for free, on GayDemon. I don't feel the need to spend money on it and just want it out there to be read, when I'm done. I may do that with the rest of Blood Angel, too.

Oh, Neptune Society doesn't work in Buffalo. So I may just ask to have my ashes strewn in the water off Catalina, once I die. Needs a VS-9 permit and has certain regulations to follow, but it's doable. Might even be able to hire a Cremated Remains Disposer to do it for us.

More bullshit to look into.