Fukkk...

I was working on Taking Nicky, today, when things kept cropping up to distract me. Things dealing with my late brother's apartment, phone, and what to do with a lot of his things, as well as getting the hospital bed he was using collected, along with other items. 

So I'd just start getting into where the story wants to go...and have to break away. Once...twice...several times. Till I lost the plot. I'll see what I can do, tomorrow. It was going in an interesting direction...but one that may be too careful on my part. I do not want this to be a sacred piece. I want it cold and hard. 

This is what I did do...

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Instagram was my friend, here. Turned out Smoke’s actual name is Stephen Marlon Kratorski. My bet is he really got his nickname from his initials. He’d done the pro-sk8ter circuit and made it to the top ten. Been at it since he was eleven. Fifteen years. Now he was just a weekender and made his living as general manager of a skateboard manufacturer in Culver City. 

An image from a few weeks ago showed he’d beefed up a little, which actually looked really good on him. He still had those lovely pecs, partially hidden by a cut-out t-shirt, and fine legs, made even lovelier by cargo shorts that were a size too small for him, now.

His face filled in some, but with scruff on it he was almost beautiful...especially now that I got a good look at his eyes and mouth. He’d also added another tattoo to his left arm...a sk8ter boy on his sled, probably him from an earlier time.

The next thing I found was podcasts he was doing on YouTube and other platforms about making specialty skateboards. The why this way was better than that, sort of thing...and he had a lovely screen presence. Open and warm and a bit jokey, with a smile that promised heaven. 

During those clips, he wore an old LA Rams cap, backward, holding his longish russet hair out of his face. I had to check the previous video and saw in that his hair was a plain brown, so he'd colored it. Or washed it. Whichever. I was close to falling in more than lust for him and his best buddy looks, but also love. 

Which would make him a serious rival to my need for sleek little Nicky. 

There was very little about his wife and kids on the web; just that they were part of his life. I got more info about his current career. Seems one of the cable networks was bringing him on board as another of their reality shows. Which I could see happening...

So long as no one connected him to the molestation clips I’d seen. Thing about those was, enough of his face was hidden by the blindfold and gag, and his body was different enough, so that he had plausible deniability. And there was also the additional tattoo...and it looked like he’d altered the one he already had. With Georgie dead and the documents trashed...at least, I think they were trashed...then he was safe.

If not? Well...we'll just have to see.

So I decided the first thing I needed to do was find out what happened to Georgie's paperwork, and Ben and Liam were the ones to focus on.

Physical manifestations...

The last couple of days, while dealing with what little my brother had in his life, the next chapter of Taking Nicky has begun to take shape. Rett wants to do a trial run of his plan to kidnap Nicky and force Ben and Liam to assist. 

They decide to pull it with Smoke...whose real name is Stephen Maxwell Krasner. He's a guy Georgie paid to do a bondage/jack-off scene a few years earlier.

Only Smoke is married, now, has a couple of kids and works a regular job. It was one thing for him to go along with Georgie's servicing to make some money while being a sk8ter boi; it's another considering he's got a family...so he's not interested in anything more.

Only Rett doesn't care. He's fixated on Smoke and he is blackmailing Ben and Liam to help him get to the guy, anyway.

I think they're going to freak out and connect with Vance, a friends of Rett's, and ask for help to stop him. Instead, Vance uses them to get to Rett. He's long had a desire for Rett's ass, and here's his chance. Things snowball from there.

Thinking about this sort of story has kept my mind from getting lost in the death of my brother. That hasn't been easy, but a lot's been done and he's set to be cremated on Monday and interned on Thursday. It's all paid for...and it was not cheap.

My sister will represent the family at the internment, so I'm heading home on Sunday. We're going to have a gathering of the family at his grave on our mother's birthday, next month. I will have Taking Nicky fully written and posted, by then, and be working on Blood Angel.

I waste too much time just surfing the web and getting into useless arguments with the MAGAt Cult online. They are nothing but rabid dogs, and all you can do with such an animal is put it down.

And I don't mean verbally...and it's too bad that's not allowed...

So quiet...

This was my brother, Kelly, around the age of 21. Forty-three years ago. Capable. Confident. Musician. Before the world crushed him for God knows what reasons. Not drugs. Nothing criminal. Just casual destruction by the capriciousness of life.

He was wired differently from the rest of us. Extremely intelligent in some things; totally lost in others. And he had a temper that could be unforgiving while in force, then suddenly be gone. He and I went head to head more than once, but we were brothers and I cared for him in every way. Same for our sister.

When he could no longer find work, she and I made sure he had a place to live and money enough to exist. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough for him and helped him maintain a level of independence and self-respect.

Now he is no longer of this world. The diagnosis of terminal cancer and months to live settled into him and he chose not to prolong his existence.

His struggles at the end were harsh and choking...but grew quieter and quieter until, even as my sister and I stood next to his bed, he slipped away without our notice. His soft breathing stopped. No pulse. Just...silence. It took several moments for us to realize he was gone.

One niece said he was on the spectrum, and that could be true. But we didn't have access to diagnoses like that when he was growing up. It might have made a difference in his difficult existence. Maybe. Guess we'll never know.

Sometimes life is really fucking cruel.

Standing watch...

 

This scene from I Remember Mama sanitizes what it means to watch someone dying...but it's close enough...

Suffice to say, Uncle Chris did not have cancer...

Kick in the ass...

Seeing my brother now, after I last saw him just two weeks ago, shows how severely he's been wasting away. If he weighs more than eighty pounds, I'd be surprised. And it's horrifying to watch.

And a reminder that when death has decided it's time to take you, it's time.

I'm ten years older than him. Granted, I've taken better care of myself, relatively speaking, and made certain to check in with health professionals to do better...while I'm nowhere near perfect with it.

But he did nothing. Wouldn't see a dentist till it was too late to save his teeth. Got one cataract removed but never went back for the other, even though our sister was paying for it. Smoked. Drank. Ate very little so was always rail thin...something I haven't been able to say about myself since college. Hadn't had a checkup in decades.

But he is emphasizing in me a realization that I won't have all that much time left, as mentioned in previous posts. I could have dropped dead this morning just trying to get from my hotel to the airport. They don't offer shuttle service, so I decided to walk the mile and a half.

That was a struggle, since there were no sidewalks along the roads leading to Austin's airport. And once at the car rental area, no signage telling me where my car was. And poor signage leading me to I-35 south. If I hadn't already known where I needed to go, I'd have been lost.

So I'm embracing my inner demons and accepting the direction Taking Nicky is going...threatening to kidnap and assault a man who's married and has kids as a trial run for Nicky's abduction. Rett even refers to himself as a father-fucker, now.

Good thing it's all fantasy...

I am so over JetBlue

Once, again, JetBlue is fucking me over. I'm heading to Austin from Buffalo, and changing planes in Fort Lauderdale...

...and the bastards have delayed my flight to Austin by 2.5 hours, putting me in after 1am. Car rental offices close at midnight, and it will be too late to get a shuttle to my hotel. I may have to walk.

My cunning plan was to drive a car one-way to San Antonio, tomorrow morning, but now I won't get down there till around 1 or 2pm instead of before noon. Because I won't get to bed till about 3am, my body clock time...at the earliest. Not a big deal, but it's an irritation I didn't need, right now.

JetBlue did this to me in Chicago, about a year ago. My flight from O'Hare to Buffalo kept getting delayed, so the second notification I received I checked Southwest, had points enough to go from Midway, so canceled the JetBlue flight and did SW. Got JB's costs back in travel funds, which I've used up all but $109.00 of...and may lose that if I don't book another flight by the 13th.

But I don't trust them, now. Southwest can have its issues, but nothing like this has ever happened with them. It has with United, twice, which is why I do not fly them if I have a choice. Now JB is on that list.

So I worked on Taking Nicky and uploaded chapter 8 to GayDemon. It should be available, tomorrow. But a recap... Rett is forcing Ben and Liam to procure him the young man he saw in one of Georgie's videos. Making them accomplices in a rape...and forcing them to help him with Nicky.

This went a wild direction, and I don't think Rett is fool enough to think Ben and Liam won't try to find a way out of the situation. He'll need to make them want to be part of it. He's already shown Ben how amazing a blowjob can be. Maybe weave more of the sexual beauty around them like a drug, of sorts. It could work...

I just need to remember this is not realistic. It's all fantasy, so I can get away with a lot if I just make it believable in the world of these lads. Which I'm trying to do.

Rett's also learned Ben and Liam are older than they claimed...except they never actually told him their ages. Hmm...he assumed because they looked young they were underage. I need to rethink that.

But I am kind of enjoying the way this story is working itself out.

Travel time

Heading back to San Antonio, tomorrow. Not sure what to expect. My brother is deteriorating, but that's all I know for certain. I don't want him to suffer, but at least I know he's got a solid regime of pain management through hospice. I guess we'll see what happens. Good thing is, this way I can give my sister and her husband a break from caring for him, for a bit.

Except...with all the snow, I'm not positive I'll get out of Buffalo, tomorrow. I have a three hour layover in Fort Lauderdale's airport, so have leeway if we leave late. But I finally got it through my thick skull that sometimes things are out of your control and you just deal with what happens. I got travel insurance on the flight. Hope it's not needed.

I posted chapter 7 of Taking Nicky on GayDemon...and it looks like Rett may have figured out a way to get the guy. He'll need help and has a good idea how to make Ben and Liam offer it. Maybe even a third as-yet unnamed dude. Not sure yet. Vance may not even be involved.

Reality is, I won't know how it's going to go till it's done. And no telling when it will be done during this trip. But it will be. And then I will turn back to Blood Angel. And then...Dair's Window.

At least, that's my plan, for now...

As usual...

Taking Nicky has shifted in a new direction and is becoming more complex and involved than I intended. I just wanted to write a quick MM story about a man's obsession turning into something criminal...and it's becoming more than that. Thanks to the characters.

Rett has found a secret room in his condo that was well-hidden between his office and the bathroom. His office used to be a small bedroom and he never paid attention to the fact that one wall didn't really line up with the bathroom's wall. Mainly because the wall in the bathroom had built in closet with shelves for towels and linens and such, hiding how much space was actually used.

In it? A mini editing suite with feeds from 9 tiny camera lenses set up around the bedroom and hidden in the molding. Which Rett hadn't bothered to have redone. There are DVDrs and an unfinished set of videos on the setup showing the man he thinks is Georgie, the prior owner of the condo, molesting a young man who's bound to a bed.

It's obvious what they're doing is pretending he's been kidnapped and is being molested. Rett even recognizes a tattoo on the guy as being one he's seen down at the skater park. So he starts to suspect Ben and Liam procured guys for Georgie to film. Get a blow job and make some cash.

He's now wondering if he's being set up by Ben and Liam...and it seems we're leading to those two knowing Vance. And letting Vance know of Rett's obsession with Nicky. And God only knows where it goes from there.

I have to take a moment and let it settle in my head. I'm not sure I like this direction. And not sure I don't like it. It's not as if I'm trying to write the great American novel, here...or even good porn. It's just an outlet...so my big concern now is to keep it from becoming too self-important.

Which Rett and Vance already don't like, and Ben and Liam think I'm being ridiculous about.

Coming soon...

I'm working up a new website for my adult books, and paying someone to do it properly. I can't really afford that, but it's needed and I've been putting it off too long. You see, I just don't know how the hell to do it right, and haven't the patience to learn.

I decided to keep the MM books completely separate from my mainstream ones to simplify promoting them. I'm not hiding anything; they all have my name on them and if you Google me, How to Rape a Straight Guy is one of the first things to come up. 

Now they're going to be under the KMSMM website name, and we'll see how it turns out.

The main deal is, I'm 73 years old. I don't need to hide anything anymore. Not even in this insane, fucked-up political climate.

I already knew enough about history to know that there has always been a sizable portion of mankind that is just plain cruel. Evil. Beastly. It shows throughout history, even from prehistoric times. Man is an animal, and like many animals has a streak of viciousness in him that cannot be removed. Only controlled...if they even want to.

This century has brought me to the understanding that probably 40% of humanity 1) does not care about anyone but themselves, 2) rejoices in the pain and suffering of those they do not like and 3) considers themselves the hierarchy of humanity. And me ever pretending some of that is not in me is really ridiculous.

I manage mine by writing books that let me vent it onto the page instead of hurting people. I've known for a while I have an unhealthy obsession with serial killers like John Wayne Gacy, Dean Corll, Randy Kraft and William Bonin. Writing books like Hunter, The Beast in the Nothing Room, and Underground Guy have given me an outlet for that obsession...which is relatively healthy...

Even as my stories grow darker and colder and crueler and my style grows more chatty and light. What can I say? I'm a psycho.

I love it when it snows...

...But only because I don't have to go out in it. Only, today I did, and it was a blizzard. Seriously. Took me half an hour to dig my car out so I could do what I needed to do. In a sharp wind that sent the snow sideways. Drove 5 miles an hour on snow-packed streets with other idiots out in it. And it's still snowing, out there.

But now I'm back in my cozy, warm apartment sipping hot tea and thinking about how to deal with new ideas for Taking Nicky. Suggestions made by the characters, for me to choose from.

Does Rett overpower Nicky, tie him up, take him to an isolated spot and rape him? It's what he wants to do but can't figure out how without eventually having to kill the guy to keep himself from being found out. And that's too stupid for him to do.

Does Rett find a way to drug Nicky and use him and record it, then use the recording to protect himself? You say anything and this is broadcast all over the world on YouTube. Not very reliable as a defense.

Does it turn out Nicky liked being forced into sex with Rett and now won't let him go? I've seen other stories like that, though, so not so sure it would work here.

Do Rett's buddies...Vance, Ben and Liam...find a way to become part of the assault on Nicky? Like find video he recorded years ago during a revenge rape. Not sure how to handle that.

Is Rett the one really being set up? He goes after Nicky but it's him who is wanted as the rape victim. Maybe as the eventual slave of an oligarch. Nicky's in on it with Vance, to help fund a movie? That's closer to fantasyland, but...

Decisions...decisions...