Step back to heal

Slightly damaged is probably the best way to describe me. Still capable of moving forward, but not at top ability. I'm like an old car that's drivable and will get you there, but not without some serious angst about maybe breaking down. Like my Civic -- 26 years old and still going, just getting crankier and crankier. But since I've had it since it was brand new, I know its every creak and rattle.

I did a financial workup, today, and found I'm $36,000 in debt. $10,000 in a savings account. Bills that are greater than my SSI income. Slowly sinking into financial chaos. I know why I'm at this point. I supported my youngest brother financially for 10 years, to the tune of about $85-90,000 total, and he will never be able to repay that. He's barely able to make it on the money he's started to get from Social security, himself.

I'm not sorry I helped him. It kept him from winding up on the streets, and I couldn't have that. And my sister also helped, a lot. But I used credit cards to keep myself going and while I'm in a better position than I was before moving into my new place--senior housing so my rent is less for a larger place--I'm still deep in it.

So what did I do? Cook. Prep a meatloaf to bake, tomorrow. Make a salad to calm my blood sugar down. Figure out how much money I'll have for next month--the money I'll get from Caladex should help cover everything without dragging more from my savings. And I watched two new episodes of Vera, with Brenda Blethyn.

Now my panic is over, at least. And my depression is lifting. And I even had a note to add to APoS, but for volume 3, when I get to it. I'm just so tired of being so fucked up.