Derry, Northern Ireland

Derry, Northern Ireland
A book I'm working on is set in this town.

Friday, February 4, 2011


This is Bruno...which is probably not his real name because I know he's used others -- Mario and Ralph, to name a couple.  I can understand why he keeps his true identity as much a secret as one can in this age of vanishing shadows and instant info.  His offering to the world is a fantasy, and too much awareness crushes the dreams that stem from it.

To put it bluntly, he's a nude model who's done some kink and jack-off videos and such.  Nothing more, that I can tell, but enough to inflame the intolerance crowd, should they find out.  Body-wise -- he fluctuates between being sleek and being a tad beefy, and he shaves his chest (which to me is close to sacrilege).  Not a bad actor in some of his videos.  Comes across as a little on the Jersey side of manners and speech.  A real "I'll do some shit for money...but only to a limit" kind of guy going nowhere near the "gay-for-pay" label.

I've never met him, but he's formed into something elegant deep in my soul, for want of a better word.  Sometimes I look at his image and worlds expand around me.  I hesitate to call him my muse, but he's been the visual model for two characters in my books -- Shays in "How To Rape A Straight Guy" and Bobby in "Bobby Carapisi."  (In fact, putting his face on Bobby's tragedy helped shame me into finishing the novel.)  Plus I almost used him as the model for Jake in "Rape In Holding Cell 6" and probably would have if I hadn't run across Will Fennell's images in DNA Magazine.  For a while I wanted to meet him, but now?  Now I don't.

I like to believe my interest is more than just a crush or lust or anything as childish as that.  Because he has shadows in his eyes...and that suggests facets within that may be worthy to embrace.  And such a notion fascinates me.  I want to know him...but not in reality...just in the realm of the possible, where truth is determined by the self and not imposed by others.  He offered a gateway to that realm, and I'd have been a fool to not pass through it.

But were I to actually meet him...were I to learn his true name...I halfway fear the gate would close.  And I'd rather not take that chance.  Some aspects of life are far more important than the rest and should be sheltered and nurtured, like roses in a private garden offering beauty and grace...and thorns to remind you not to get too close.

And this is Bruno.

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