Derry, Northern Ireland

Derry, Northern Ireland
A book I'm working on is set in this town.

Friday, July 29, 2011

If not God, who?

I'm having a battle within, right now.  I don't believe in God in the Judeo-Christian or Muslim sense -- a sentient being manipulating the world according to his, her or its whims.  That thought is so ludicrous, I can barely even accept the idea of it...because I have so consistently seen proof it is just plain nonsense.  Look at any time in history (let alone how the world is turning, these days, thanks to the selfishness of the rich and the scum they own) and you'll see how preposterous the concept is.

That said...there is SOMETHING more than just this plane of existence.  I've caught glimpses of it when I'm writing, because I cannot even begin to explain how I was able to capture some of the things I've put into my stories and scripts.  Charlie's suicide attempt that turns into murder in "Wilderness Rule".  Curt's psychotic break in HTRASG.  Daniel's argument with his ids in the shower in LD.  The manner in which Charl's sister drives Mitch into giving up on life in "5 Dates".  So many others.  And I know I'm repeating myself when I say this, but it's too ingrained in my being for me to ignore.  And that's where the confusion lies.

I was raised Presbyterian till mom shifted us to Episcopalian, so that old time religion was seared into my soul...and I cannot completely escape it, as much as I might want to.  Which is especially troubling right now as my mother slowly, slowly drifts into death.  She BELIEVED, something that caused me a fair bit of grief until she accepted that I didn't choose to be gay...and while it was never screaming or vicious but more the tearful "I don't want you to go to hell" kind of thing, it still tore at me. But by God, she believed and had faith and all the attendant nonsense...and to see her suffering like this infuriates me, even as I can see how it's just the way of life...see that in mind if not in body.

And...just to prove I'm probably more than a little psychotic...see that this inspires me in POS.  Brendan's fight with his religion and his relationship with his mother are both being colored by this, as is another betrayal that's become part of his story.

This almost sounds like I think mom's death is meant to help me write a better book.  I won't deny that feels like a small part of it and I feel both shame and exhilaration at the prospect.  Looks like there's a touch of the demon in me...and maybe that's what lets me dive head first into the darkest waters of my soul to find the truth of my characters.

Maybe that's my religion.


Georgenio Garlicia said...

Hello, this is a blog I Like :) Have a nice post

Georgenio Garlicia said...

hello, i like this. plis visit me too, thank you.

Maya Bercerita said...

Nice Blog :)

Michael said...

I've never struggled with religion myself. I was raised Christian but my mom was certainly part of the "don't really give a damn" denomination and we rarely went to church. I think I went through a brief phase as a teenager seeking alternative religions (at one point I was even considering being a Wiccan) before choosing agnosticism and sticking with it. There are certainly things we experience all the time often at the smallest levels that could be contributed to some higher power watching over us but it's not something any of us are meant to understand. So I keep an open mind and simply choose to live my life the best I can and be kind to my fellow human beings which is something a lot of religious types fail miserably at doing. If I'm happy with who I am then I anticipate some higher power would be too. Or if we all just end up dust in the ground at least I'll know I made the most of my short existence.

I'm really looking forward to POS.
What is "5 Dates"? Was this a script or short story?

I'm really looking forward to

JamTheCat said...

Thanks, folks. I'm not able to do much, at the moment...but once I'm back home I'll be doing a lot of catch-up.

JamTheCat said...

"5 Dates" is the last screenplay I wrote, an updating of "Beauty and the Beast" into a private high school in Ann Arbor, Michigan in the middle of winter. No magic involved, just a partially-deaf kid who's a nerdy artist and a girl whose mother is dead and whose family has been bankrupted by the economic collapse so she's taken over caring for her older brother and sister. It's my tenderest script. I may turn it into a book, sometime.