More of Simon's thoughts

Continuing from yesterday:

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After that, there was always something he needed from me or needed me to do, so I’d grown to where if I was sitting there I’d get up when I saw him coming. 

I’d been so well-trained, like a dog. 

Since he died, I’ve made certain to enjoy sitting and watching the rain. Almost like an act of defiance. Or a declaration that I needed no one but this to be whole and complete. 

Being alone is considered a failure in too many people’s minds. Like they can’t accept not wanting to be bothered by someone who’s invading your space. Like you can't be happy without a relationship to help you through life. It seems to me that in order to face the world they need a husband or wife or lover...or a man in the sky looking down on them with benevolence...for support, and they cannot understand how someone would not be of the same bent. They cannot accept the idea you’re strong enough to just live on your own, because it’s too frightening to them. 

I finally understood, after many years, that was something Alain was scared of. Being alone. Not having control of himself, in many ways, but also needing to believe he was strong enough to control another. Like me. And I’d bought into that for far too long. 

I hadn’t been strong when I left him. If I had been, I wouldn’t have needed to sneak away like I did. Or even become involved with him to the extend I did. I’d simply grown tired of the games he'd played to keep control of me and himself. He’d been right, years later, spitting at me that I got off on those games. I’d loved relinquishing control and letting him decide my life... 

Until I didn’t. 

And now here I was...God, forty-six years after breaking free. Thirty nine years after he died. And still sitting here, like when I was twenty, watching and listening to the rain the night before... 

Before what? Catastrophe? Reality? Facing the truth that actually you can not do this all alone? 

Yeah, that is reality. That’s why you still asked ReShawn to handle your appeal, just in case. 

And he’d sighed and accepted, saying, “You’re giving me money for nothing.” 

“I hope so.” 

“You’re not a positive-thinking person, are you?” 

“Just a realist.”

I’d almost added, Who learned to trust his gut in situations like this. But that might have led to more protestations and eventual rejection, by ReShawn. And despite my claims to preferring to be alone and facing the world on my own, having this bit of support gave me strength enough to face what might happen, tomorrow. 

Which led to another question. Did I trust ReShawn to back me up, even having given him a retainer? He was another attorney living in this town and having to deal with Walstead and Bush and the coziness between them and the police, and even him saying he'd be there didn't mean he would be.

I’d already gotten the impression from others that they’d have flat out refused. Even though I had the evidence or even thought their ethics required them to give me the best defense possible. Or if they had taken my case, they’d have done the minimum needed, just to keep the peace with those on the opposing side of justice. 

ReShawn had seemed a bit more willing to push back against them, because he’d defended other minorities who'd been abused by the local police. Taken one to the state supreme court and brought about a new trial, for a young man accused of stealing a backpack he’d bought from that store the week before. Which Bush had finally declined to retry. Not a big win, but something. 

The rain was still pouring. Like in Rashomon. Straight down like it was trying to wash existence away. The trees lining the road were bare shadows in it. The lights of the parking lot and along the walkway did their best to maintain illumination. The steady hiss of it hitting the pavement sounded almost musical, like the background to some new opera by Philip Glass. If all went as usual, in the morning there would be few clouds and a soft mist holding in the air, soon to vanish into the heat of the day. 

I was tempted to stay up all night, but that would have made me loose and uncertain in the morning. Easily distracted. And I needed everything I had to fight back and leave ReShawn enough to build an appeal around. 

If he would. 

I still wasn’t convinced of that.