Taking a pause...

Just for the day. I didn't want to do anything or see anyone, but the book fair in Hong Kong intruded on my peace and I grew pissy. I was polite, but wound up spending a couple hours on it then lots of paperwork to sort through about everything else. And the day's events and...and I never should have gone online but had to and shifted over and................

Now I need to reread everything I have written so I can make certain it's proceeding properly. The part leading up to Adam leaving Montréal was rather draining. It reminded me of an occasion where I damn near walked all the way from Carbondale to Scranton, at night, in boots and a mac, intent on finding a bus to the airport and leaving without a word.

I'd been tricked into traveling up there from Houston, by my close cousins...and learned I had been outed to them and they wanted to know if I was HIV positive. Couldn't do that with a phone call, no; they had to see me face-to-face.

Blindsided me. I wasn't and never have been, and told my cousin so, but that didn't seem make a real difference. And there was so much tension...I didn't want to stay.

I went for a walk to clear my head and just kept walking. Figured I'd ask them to ship my suitcase and things to me. It's about 16 miles and I was probably halfway there when I convinced myself I was overreacting and returned. 

I should have trusted my gut.

I noticed glares of outright hostility from some members of the family, had plans changed, and finally saw that people I'd considered closer to me that my own brothers and sister did not reciprocate. I was a relative, nothing more. If I'd left, I might have been able to never feel that from them.

So...I let Adam take over in DW and do it right. And it's cut deeper than I realized. But feels good.

I just needed space from it to accept that.