Blank of mind...

The situation with my brother is taking all of my energy and focus. I finally had to accept nothing will get done until this is finalized...as in he dies or goes into hospice care. Because last night was horrific, and wound up getting him sent back to the hospital.

It's rough watching a sibling or parent or child deteriorate slowly and painfully. Nothing is simple or A-B-C. it's like waves on a shore. Some moments are good, others are bad...and it's never-ending.

It makes you wonder how people handled this in previous times. In I Remember Mama" (1947) Irene Dunne was the Norwegian matriarch of a family in San Francisco not long after the major earthquake. One part had her traveling to the farm of her brother, Chris, and standing watch as he died.

He's in bed, barely messed up, and has a final drink before peacefully drifting into death. All so very clean and neat. But it's rarely like that, really.

My grandmother, Nana, died from bladder cancer. I spent one night caring for her and that was not pretty. It also upset her a lot since I was male, but my mother and aunt needed a break so there I went.

My mother let herself deteriorate because she was ready to die. Stopped eating or drinking and lay in bed sleeping until she passed on.

Neither of them presented me with the challenge of my brother. Full nights spent making sure he doesn't get up to walk or take out his IV or seeing to it he doesn't sit in his shit. Literally.

I don't know how people do it, except you do what you must and put everything else aside till it's alll done. Even as my stories call to me...