Walled in...

I sometimes wonder if one problem I have with being a writer is that I'm too wary about letting my characters go where they want. I like to hold a tight rein, even when I try to pretend I don't. Mainly because I know there is something dark inside of me and I fear if I let it loose I could hurt someone.

I've got this wild dichotome within me, where one half is empathetic to the extent I hate for anyone to be damaged in any way. The other half, however, hates people and would gladly rip a few throats out.

I've let glimmers of it appear in my work, maybe even let it color Dirc and the Dyarvos Bones too much, along with the followup, Dirc and the Dyarvos Cafe. I call those my amoral stories...but in reality they're a hint of how much anger I have dwelling deep inside me, that I keep a tight control over.

I have a good idea of why it's there...and that is something I will never share with anyone. I'm too old to be explaining myself and, to be honest, I'm unwilling to tolerate the reaction it would bring.

I just know I'm really fucked up and have no interest in getting unfucked. I just want to feel free enough to let the demon out...

Which, in the current day and age, would take a lot more courage than I think I have.