Am I who I am?

I don't know. Sometimes I click into a mode where everything seems unreal, and I am no part of it. I doubt it's a form of dissociation. I'm simply not in my apartment, all of a sudden. Or not in control of the planning I'm working up for jobs. I go...blank.

I wouldn't call it psychotic. More surreal than anything else. And I was already feeling pretty much overwhelmed by other things. But still I wonder, could it be the beginning of dementia? Alzheimer's? It runs in my family.

This time it happened when I locked onto this image from Retrorope. while searching for a jpeg, and found myself lost and blank of mind. Well, except for this one thought in my head that I wished I had him. Like this. To own for a while.

I've always thought of him as lovely and someone I could easily obsess over. And this is not some overt desire, even when it's dancing around in my own mind. More like a long forgotten wish I'd once made and am now remembering. Maybe a dream I'd once had...a dream I now know will never come to fruition.

I don't know the guy's name. I do know he lives north of Chicago, and owns the site. He posts lots of young, somewhat attractive men in varying forms of light bondage, on it. Nothing too intense. No nudity. So I could track him down if I wanted to.

But I won't. That would be invasive and not something I would want anyone to do with me, for whatever reason. I may have been born under the sign of the cat and year of the dragon, but I am proof positive those things mean nothing. Strong? Bold? Courageous?

Ha! I was born with a brake inside of me that stops me dead whenever I consider ever doing anything disruptive to anyone. I can fantasize about it, no problem, but in real life, if I have the oppotunity to be bold...I freeze. Cannot think of what actions to take.

Maybe today was just one of those days. Too much going on and me getting lost in the jumble. I just wish I understood me and my weirdness better.