On to Chapter Three...

It's Hallowe'en and I'd love to go trick or treating with Dave. Maybe trick and treating. This costume of his is just so...so enticing, to me. 

I did another pass on Chapter Two of DW, cutting it back a little bit more. But I'm now at the point of deciding if I use a or the in a sentence, so it's time to move on.

At the end of the chapter, Adam was been handed over to a foster home for boys run by a good Christian man...who pimps them out to a select clientele of married men. Hit a spot where I glossed over Adam's new associates--Rory, Eric, Trey, Luc, Carlo and Trevean--so need to address that.

Digging through the parts I've already written, I did find a couple of descriptions of Rory, Eric and Trey, but mostly it's going to be working them up from basics. So Chapter Three is going to take some work.

This is where Adam heals after being kicked out of his home and abandoned by everyone. He finally begins to understand his life is completely different now. No one will be coming to save him, so he's on his own. But he's smart and observant and develops a plan to leave on his own terms. If he'll be allowed to.

I may break this part in half. It's 17 pages and I'll be adding more in. We'll see how much larger it gets to be.

I have my website for the mainstream books all set with everything available. I'm trying to push all my books more but not doing a very good job of it. I'm blank when it comes to salesmanship. I'm going to talk to Emily Jackson about setting up another page on WordPress for my MM erotica, to give me something to refer people to. Dunno if that's possible without paying a shitload more.

And therein likes the issue -- I don't know what I can and can't do online. I guess I should work on that, some...

Short chapters mean...

"Echoes of the Path"
Yeah Wang

Careful dissection of what Adam is saying...so far. Chapter Two is 3100 words on 13 pages, and bit by bit I'm removing a lot of the superfluous commentary that's meant to soften the reading. This is not a part that should be read with comfort. Adam is talking about being thrown out of his home because he's gay, and how the judicial system in Montreal was as casually callous with him as his parents were.

So far it's going well, working like this. Not overwhelming like it sometimes was with APoS. I've gone over this chapter probably five times, not as rewrites but almost as a detective seeking to remove anything superfluous. Or even a poet digging for just the right word. 

I'm also making certain Adam's voice retains a bit of the poet as he lays out his life, up to his death...and then even his afterlife. I want the reader to know he's intelligent, creative and capable of just about anything. Even though he's a sex-worker, throughout.

I have to admit I had an odd reaction at learning a previous man I'd used as a model for Dair has an Only Fans page and posts clips of him having sex with his boyfriend or lover or whatever. It's silly of me, because he's doing exactly what is necessary for him to make a living. Like Adam does. At least, to make enough of a living to pay off student loans and still have a decent level of existence.

But I felt put off. A bit disappointed. And it's only because I saw him in one way and he turned out to be as human as anybody else. If I know from the outset you've worked in porn or on Only Fans, I got no problem with that. It's having to adjust my view of you to incorporate this new side of you that troubles me.

I'm using that silly reaction of mine to color some characters' attitudes. Others won't give a damn. Like how I feel about him, now...which, admittedly, I had to argue myself into.

Sometimes I wonder if there's still too much Presbyterian in me...

Thoughts for the day...

Since I'm brain dead, right now...

Finding my writing rhythm with DW...

I'm working on a chapter at a time, till it's ready. Keeping them at about 2800-3200 words. Blending the words as best I can into Adam's manner of speech. There will be no long chapters in this book. And even if I do no writing, I'll still be moving forward with it.

I managed to make it to my 9am appointment, today. Where my stomach got scanned in a bunch of odd poses...which brought on a headache. I've always had issues with the left side of my neck. It's where the vast majority of my headaches start, and today I think I pinched a nerve in there, or something...to where I could not focus or think.

So I took a long nap...2 hours. And would have gone longer but I set my alarm to get up. That helped enough to where I could go through Chapter Two of Adam's portion of the book. And hone it more.

He's revealing how he was outed by his brother and kicked out of his home, and how the authorities treated him like a problem so put him with a man who became his pimp.

I'm being careful in this area, because even though the legal age of consent in Canada is fourteen, and Adam's fifteen at the time, in the US that's a serious issue. I'm no pedophile; I don't like boys, I like men. But that won't keep people from claiming otherwise to suit their own agenda.

I'm fighting with myself to keep Adam's story as honest as possible...so we'll see how it goes. I'm going to do another pass on this chapter, then move to the next one...which will really be the problematic one.

I dealt with Father Damian's molestation of Danny in a very oblique way that made it clear what was going on without saying it. Don't think I can get away with that, here.

And maybe I don't want to.

Late riser...

I hate getting up in the morning, at least not before 10:30. It's hard as hell for me to go to bed before 2 so that makes for a good 8 hours of sleep, and there have been many occasions where I'd sleep till noon...usually after staying up till 4am...or even 5.

Once I lie down, I rarely have trouble dropping into slumber; it's actually making myself stop and accept that I need the rest that's the issue. I'm using this in Dair, who can get so into working on one of this stained glass projects, he neglects sleep and food and rest because he's afraid he'll lose the link or spark he's got for the piece.

Adam was good about sensing when Dair needed to be pulled back from the abyss, even when he didn't know it, himself. He'd quietly guide Dair into the real world and soothe him and keep him fed, which adds to Dair's extreme sense of loss after Adam dies. No one is watching over him, not like Adam did. Now Dair is adrift, unable to regain his center...something Wallace can't even understand, let alone help him with.

The more I get into this story, the more I see one important aspect of it is Dair's unconditional love for Adam. Because even though Adam stole from him and pushed him away, at times, and manipulated him...he didn't care. He loved Adam for being more than a partner; he was Dair's protector.

I'm not sure how I can handle that dichotomy in Adam except to watch as Wallace tears him down in every legal sense...thanks to the lawsuit brought by Adam's parents...and Dair sees the man is killing Adam all over again.

Or something like that. I dunno. It's early in the writing, yet. But it's getting me excited about the story, again.

Poetry...

Adam wrote a poem. In Quebecois. No idea if it's any good; I've never studied poetry and my French is crap...but it's at the end of chapter one, now.

Aucun ange
Celui
Qui s'est faufilé dans mon monde
Au-delà de la peur de ceux
Qui ne se soucient de rien

Aucune créature 

Celui 

Qui a l'habitude de se régaler 

D'un 

Sans armure 

Au-delà de sa connaissance 

C'est sa seule vérité

L'accepter 

C'est mentir à mon passé 

Sans 

Besoin de correction 

Pour moi 

Le connaître 

C'est rejeter tout ce que j'ai 

De moi-même 

Afin de pouvoir reconstruire 

Un monde dont 

Je pourrais être 

Plus qu'une partie

La terreur de tout ça 

Est exquise

Ma peur 

Me pousse 

À accepter 

La beauté qu'il offre. 

Pour que je puisse me reposer... 

Enfin... 

Enfin... 

Me reposer...

Translation:

No angel 

He 

Who slipped through my world 

Past fear of those 

Who care for nothing 

No creature

He

Whose wont to feast 

On one 

With no suit of armor 

Beyond his understanding 

Is his only truth 

To accept 

Him 

Is to lie to my past 

Without 

Need for correction

To know 

Him 

Is to reject all I hold 

And own 

Of myself 

So I might build anew 

A world in which I can be more 

Then a part of 

The terror of this 

Is exquisite

My fear 

Drives me 

To accept 

The beauty he offers

So I might rest... 

Finally... 

Finally... 

Rest...

Step away from the keyboard...

To an extent, I did. Just a bit of posting on FaceBook, Xitter and Instagram...while mainly staying away from the chaos. I've finally accepted the MAGAt Cult is not going to acknowledge their hypocrisy, and pointing it out to them is a waste of time. It's like trying to soothe a rabid dog. You can't; you'll just get bit.

So gazing upon this image of a meadow in Snoqualmie, Washington, helped shift me back to a version of self-control. What I found most interesting about the region was how the mountains jut up straight from the plain. No foothills leading you to the cliffs. So I'll need to change the description of the area in Dair's Window.

That led me to working with Adam to find his voice and transfer it to the page. I changed up the opening a bit and cut away a lot of chatter. Dropped a few hundred words. He's more melodious, now, so my focus will be to continue that through chapter two, when he's talking about being kicked out of his home for being gay.

I've decided to do his story through to the point of his death, then shift to Dair's. Adam's is first person; Dair's is third person, with comments from Adam sprinkled through. 

I'm wondering...the old argument about putting one space or two after a period, when typing, is back. I can go either way, so which would be easiest to read? Does it even really matter? I'm open to responses.

And obviously, I'm in a much better mood than yesterday.

Wrecked...

There was so much bullshit, today, I feel beaten to nothing. Depressed. Shaken. Melancholy even. Which used to be a medical term for women. Melancholia or something?

For a clinical explanation, melancholia is a severe form of major depressive disorder characterized by a profound loss of pleasure, a slowing of thought and activity, and feelings of despair and excessive guilt.

That's me to a fucking T, right now. I know much of it is due to the insane political situation we have, where the GOP has gone full MAGAt Cult and Democrats are barely even trying to fight back. Where Felon47 can tear down a large portion of the White House on a whim and steal money from the government with impunity. Where people are being attacked and imprisoned based on racism and hate. And there ain't jack shit I can do about that...except scream into the void.

I've been told I'm an empath, which is basically characterized by being highly attuned to the emotions and energies of others, often feeling them as if they were their own. Includes deep intuition, profound empathy, high sensitivity, and a strong drive to help others, that can lead to emotional exhaustion and stress.

Maybe. That could be why I only write stories about the rape and murder of men, and don't actually do it. I'm too connected to any pain I might cause.

But as I'm writing this, I haven't been able to re-set myself. Reboot me. Whatever. I'm half-hunched over, not sitting up straight or even comfortably. I'm in one of my lost phases and want nothing more than to curl up in bed and sleep the next few years away.

Which is not an option...dammit.

Shifting back on track...

I'm working at the office, tomorrow, probably not all day. Just checking paperwork for dealers coming to the US for Boston. Did one, today, that was intense. Found a couple errors that could have cost some money in fines. But that's why we do it.

Also made a meatloaf and a pot roast. The first in the oven, the latter in a crock pot. Turned out well but what a mess I make when cooking.

I'm still playing with the idea of doing coloring books for my characters, but not as seriously as I should, yet. More like for fun. I want to get Dair's Window done and it's going to take a lot of focus. I need to make certain it's not meandering too much.

There is a lot to the story...not just about Adam and Dair, but also their friends and family. How Dair's brother, Gareth, winds up trapped in a marriage with three daughters. And Marvo, a longtime gay friend, escaped an abusive relationship and drugs.

And...Adam's time in the porn industry, where he learned how to take care of himself...even at the expense of others. Something he plans to do with Dair but is softened by Dair's trust and caring when put in a position of providing him some protection from homophobes.

And we can't forget Jackson and Setsuko, who are having a kid, and Wallace's one-time involvement with him in Tokyo...with Setsuko's knowledge. Damn, this story is going to be as long as Don Quixote and Moby Dick, combined.

Nothing unusual, for me.

Mr. Self-indulgence

Didn't feel up to anything, today, so went to Panera for a salad. Then Wegman's for some groceries. Then WalMart for Sandwich Spread (since it's the only place in town that carries it). Then Tops to get the things I couldn't find at Wegman's. Then to home. All in a steady rain.

Made tostadas for dinner and used this evening to pull together images for a potential coloring book to illuminate my characters. One for the mainstream books and one for the erotica...and maybe one just for APoS? It's becoming very involved and expanding and a bit overwhelming. BA, alone, is 18 images.

I want to give a taste of everyone important in the books, but that may be overreaching. I'm up to 76 images, and that's really 3 coloring books. And a lot of work...and that's without even factoring in Dair's Window.

Oh, well...doesn't hurt to wonder about doing it...

I finally found and duplicated a file of Adam's ditties for DW, saving it to my desktop, to sprinkle through the story. I already know this story is going to take well over a year to write, if I want to do it correctly. Right now, I'm still digging through the massive amount of writing I've already done on it, much of which is effectively going into the bin.

Still on the tired side from the Seattle job, even though I slept really well, last night. Just got to keep getting up when it's morning. I could easily sleep past noon...but then, I usually got to bed between 2 and 3 am.

Total night owl.

What a weekend...

I flew to Seattle on Friday, pretty much on-time with my connections and everything. Got to my hotel...a Best Western right by SeaTac...and the WiFi was crap. I could barely get on, it was slow as shit, and I kept getting bumped off, like every five minutes, then put back on 5-10 seconds later.

I hate using my phone's hot-spot but had to in order to answer emails and prep for the fair move-out. It's owned by Caladex and I have no idea what the media costs are. When I ask I get shrugged off. So no recreational work done, online.

I rented a car for Saturday and drove up into the mountains along the 90, east of Seattle, to get a better idea of how it works up there. I wanted to get a feel for the are Dair's Window is set in, and I'm glad I did. Even though the story takes place in the first decade of this century, I could see where I was being unrealistic about a few aspects of the area. Better to know now than later.

I missed the No Kings demonstration, here, but will attend the next one, in Buffalo. I may even get an inflatable character to wear when I do it.

The fair went all right. I had 4 dealers to handle and had to shrink-wrap 4 pallets, which really wears you out if you do it right. I can only hope I did, because I don't normally do that kind of thing. But I was exhausted by the time it was done.

Walking back to the monorail, I saw this great image of the Space Needle so took a couple shots. I like this one, where it's reflected in the Museum of Pop Culture building. And the color is so right for near Halloween. Looks kind of like a space alien from a 50s horror film.

On the flights, there was minimal room so I read two books -- Hang On, St. Christopher by Adrian McKinty, which was good...though I do feel the ending was a bit rushed, and The Seven Dials Mystery by Agatha Christie...which was weird. It was published in 1929 and parts were funny, but it had a dozen characters running around calling each other by 2-3 different names, so got a bit confusing. And I didn't really buy the explanation.

My return flights were okay, though I did have to book it from the end of Concourse B to the end of Concourse A, in Denver, within 10 minutes to make my connection. And that flight had the most uncomfortable seats. But I got home...a bit late...and slept til 11:30am.

Thinking too much?

This is dealing with not only my trip to Seattle, tomorrow, but also flying to Hong Kong at the beginning of December, for Firsts China Book Fair.

First, Seattle. I'm going through JFK on JetBlue. I've done what I can to prepare for any issues thanks to the MAGAt Class shutting down the government, so now it's just a case of we'll see what happens. I have an extra day I can use to get there, if need be.

My return is on United, through Denver, on Monday. For my own peace of mind, I bought travel insurance for both. Hopefully, I won't need it.

The main deal is the trip to Hong Kong. I'm flying on Korean Air Lines out of Toronto's Pearson Airport. I have to change planes in Inchon, which is a modern airport but still...when I'd go Cathy it was a straight flight. The one positive here is, I'm going business class, so it should be a lot more comfortable.

The issue is getting to Pearson. My thought was to grab a bus in Buffalo and just ride that up, the day before, then spend the night in a hotel by the airport. It means going to the downtown Toronto bus depot and catching a train out to Pearson, where I'd get the hotel shuttle to pick me up, but it seemed straightforward.

Got talked out of that because "going through customs could be hours" (according to the people I'm working for). They said they's take me to St. Catharines, on the Canadian side, and I could catch a train or bus from there. Seems convoluted, but they're the ones paying the bill so...

Thing is, the bus and train schedules suck. Massively. And returning? Even worse. I tried it a half-dozen ways and nothing was happiness, in any way. Even looked into leaving from Niagara Falls, Canada...and that's crappy, too.

I'm so bummed by it, I'm more open to just driving up in my '98 Civic and parking it. But it'll be the beginning of winter and it's a hundred miles. I like to think my car is good for that, but I can't be sure.

It's really ridiculous that such a major Canadian airport doesn't have constant bus or rail traffic to connect it with local cities, like they do in Europe and the UK.

Rough day online...

I really should stay off the internet, because the horror that's building in America is reminding me too damned much of the buildup to The Troubles in Northern Ireland. Which lasted from 1968 to 1998, and killed thousands.

Protestants treated Catholics like shit for decades, refusing to give them even the minimal rights they wanted -- 1-man, 1-vote; decent housing; access to jobs. It reached the point of no return when the People's March calling for those rights was attacked on January 4th, 1969 at Burntollet Bridge. There, with the help of the Constabulary, Protestants attacked peaceful marchers, injuring dozens.

That led to a back and forth that built up to the Battle of Bogside, in August 1969, when Catholics refused to tolerate the insults and discrimination any further.

The British Army was brought in after days of fighting, ostensibly to protect Catholics from Protestants...but wound up taking the side of Protestants and demonizing and attacking Catholics. This gave rise to shoot-offs of the IRA...PIRA, OIRA, INLA, who fought back with bombings and murders and it went back and forth and back and forth and didn't stop until the leaders of both sides finally grew too old and tired to fight, anymore.

And Catholics were given pretty much what they asked for in 1968. Years of death and destruction that could have been avoided by people willing to talk to each other. But Protestant stupidity and stubbornness sabotaged every attempt to end the chaos. And I do lay the main responsibility on them, especially a loud and evil Presbyterian minister named Ian Paisley.

The part that hits me most is, the British Army was blaming the IRA for everything that happened, even before it was a workable organization. It was weak and disorganized, and labeled with the moniker I Ran Away...until it formed into the only group willing to truly defend the Catholic Community from the hate and destruction of the other side.

That is so damned much like how the DoJ blames ANTIFA for the pushback against their tyranny...an organization that does not exist. And like Protestants were allowed to do just about anything they wanted, by the the British Army, same happens with the MAGAt Class.

There was arrest and imprisonment without warrant, interrogations by torture, inhuman confinement conditions, almost all against Catholics...and that bullshit is being parroted by ICE and the DoJ against anyone they please. Citizen or not. White or minority.

The lead in A Place of Safety, Brendan Kinsella, experiences all of this between the ages of 10 and 25 -- the riots, the slaughters, the bombings, the chaos, including arrest, torture, and accusations from both sides that he's working against them. And I fear all of that is going to happen here.

We already have one side rejoicing in the terrorism of the ICE/Gestapo and calling for people to be killed, just like Protestants did in Northern Ireland. Uniformed thugs wander the streets of Chicago and Portland and LA and DC, attacking whomever they want, like the Army did in Derry and Belfast. And the powers that be celebrate this while the opposition is limited to a few voices with little support from their own party.

How long before there are massacres like Bloody Sunday in Derry and in Ballymurphy? Pam Biondi, Kristi Noem and Karoline Leavitt seem willing to champion that while blaming everything on an idea that is not an organization, but by its very name opposes the fascism they want to force on us all. All in the name of the most vile of men, ever. A convicted felon who's molested children.

It's scary.

More of the DW's chapter...

This image was made for me by the woman I hired to promote my books. Can't believe how good she made me look.

Now this part continues straight from yesterday's post.

-----------

“You got a suit?” 

I nodded. “Of navy blue.” Which had been carefully tailored to fit, and I had been very careful with. Much of my clothing was fine, but this was Hugo Boss. One is not casual with such. 

“Didn’t realize.” 

“Well...I do not wear my finer clothing when I work.” 

He nodded then removed the tux. The snow was deep and growing dirty from traffic, so we put it on a broad hanger and into a garment bag, then we drove straight to Tidwika. There, I dressed him, again, to as fine an effect. And again, fixed his tie.

And this time he gave me soft giggles as a response.

My own suit was already on-hand; it had been well-cleaned and pressed by the hotel staff, the day before, as had my light pink silk shirt and burgundy tie. My shoes were old but nicely-polished so you could not tell. And when I was done with own ensemble, I know I looked good.

But then, in Hugo Boss, with my face newly shaved and hair freshly cut, how could I not?

I turned to see him looking at me...and the lines of joy on his face came into full view. Giving him a beauty that cannot be described except as a tender sort of pleasure. My poet, within, sprang forth and said, We will remember this...and honor it.

"There," I said, to cover how affected I was, "we now have the appearance of elegant young gentlemen."

He only grinned and off we went to the Great Room.

The ceremony was sweet and simple, set against the tall window looking up the slopes, skiers dancing down for one last run before returning home. Abigail, Bethany and Chloe led Marion up to husband number three...

Who wore what can only be described as Nashville chic, from the glittering designs on the chest and back of his powder blue suit. And the odd cut of his lapels. I would swear I saw Marion’s eyes widen in shock at seeing it.

A justice of the peace from North Bend officiated and we behaved ourselves well during Marion's latest gamble. But from the glances her current husband cast me, more than once, I knew it would not be a permanent union. I hoped she would be happy for a while. 

After the reception, Dair and I returned to the room to change back into our regular clothes. Neither of us had indulged too greatly in the sparkling wine from Washington and Oregon. Nor did we wish to risk ruining our finery. But I had brought with me a bottle of one that was quite acceptable, and intended to sit before the fireplace by the Great Room and finish the bottle. With Dair, were he open to it. 

He was so much easier in that tux, now, I almost wanted him to remain in it. Such a lovely image, he presented. Especially when leaning against the frame of the bathroom door, on one shoulder, hands back in pockets, his face gentle but his eyes lost in thought. 

Finally he asked, “You think people like us’ll ever get to be married?” 

I had just hung up my suit coat and was unbuttoning my shirt. “To those we love? Who can say? There is too much religion in government for the answer to be simple.” 

I removed my shirt and also put it on a hanger. While I had worn a Ralph Lauren undershirt so my silk one would not be too soiled, I still wanted it to be properly handled by a cleaner. 

“Do you not wish to remove that horrible tux?” I joked. 

He shrugged. “I feeling okay enough in it.” He looked me over in a way I was too aware of. “Mom got you to get me into this thing, didn’t she?” 

I shrugged. “I believe she feared you would join the procession in your overalls.” 

He chuckled. “I might have.” 

“Here.” I slipped around behind him and helped him off with his jacket, then put it on a hanger. 

“You take care of things,” he almost whispered. 

I had to nod. “I am not so rich that I can afford to replace anything I misuse.” Then added, “And this is rented.” 

I removed the little black studs in his shirt, careful to replace them into the box they had come in. Same for the cufflinks. As I began to slip the shirt off him, he took hold of my hands. 

I knew what he wanted, but I still joked, “You wish to sleep in this suit?” 

His expression did not change. Only his eyes grew sharp on mine and he drew his fingers up my right bicep and touched my face and my thoughts scattered in a thousand directions as he shifted closer and kissed me. 

“I want to undress you,” he murmured. 

There it was. 

I now had him. 

Owned him. 

Another man to bring into my fold, to add to my list of conquests. And it was not unwelcome. But... 

But I had planned for it to be in his home. In the lodge. In his bed. We had come so close, that day. Four months? Five months before? To join in his bed would have been so much better. Make a union between us more complete and...and so I backed away, smiling. 

I saw fear dash into his eyes as he said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have done that -- " 

My breath was sharp and my heart pounding as I heard myself saying, “Dair, keep in your mind...the gossip you have heard of me...well, I...I am not so good a person.” 

“So I’d have pay you...” 

My normal response would be to say, No, but my winter coat is so old, or I cannot think about that, right now, my shoes are so worn and in need of replacement. This time? I was wounded, deeply. He had heard the gossip...and it had taken hold of him...and...and...

And could think of nothing to say, except, “Non, never would I take money from you for that.”

Today's work on DW...

Leading up to January 1, 2001:

A week later was to be Marion's third wedding. At Tidwika in their Great Room, well-cleaned up after the previous night’s New Year's party. The very idea made Dair grumpy, for a silly reason. Marion asked him to be her Best Man. Meaning, he must wear a suit. 

“I don’t have one,” he’d growled. “I never wear them.” 

“Once won’t kill you,” she’d snapped back. “And I want you presentable for Jack.” Her soon-to-be husband. Who had, apparently, modeled for many romance novel covers, if one went by his looks. A face carved from granite. Dark hair touched with white. A physique to make mine look pale and weak, but on legs that made him appear top-heavy. 

Dair was huffing into irritation so I joked, “So then will I call you Mrs. Mellander?” 

“You do and I’ll make you into a Miss Lécuyer.” 

We both laughed, lightening the mood. 

But Dair still snarled, “I’m not buying something just to wear it one time. Or are you already planning on husband number four?” 

Marion turned to him and snapped, “Adair Carwyn Llewellyn...” 

So I cut in with, “You rent. Something in classic black? A tux, perhaps. En ensemble?” 

That made Marion smile, hopeful. “Oh, baby, that would be so lovely.” 

“But...but where can we get one here?” he asked. 

I held up a finger. “First, with Nordstroms we will check.” 

“In Seattle?” 

“They have the annex on the West End. We ask there.” 

Dair snorted and huffed off, leaving me with his mother. Who turned to me and murmured, “If you can make him presentable, even just for the pictures...” 

I chuckled. “Have faith, Marion.” Then I wandered down to my room at the Shamirs’. 

The very next day, I had to all but drag Dair to the Nordstrom's annex and found them most obliging. Despite him being in his overalls. I convinced him to remove them and stand there in his boxer briefs and undershirt so they could take his precise measurements. 

He looked so adorable, and I know he would hate to hear me say that. But his fine legs swirling with just the right amount of hair up to a lovely rear that curled around to a strong back. The young man with the tape measure was enjoying himself, greatly. So very amusing. 

The tux arrived on New Year’s Eve, so we stood before a mirror in the shop to make the final adjustments. Through all of which Dair rolled his eyes and growled, like an unruly beast. I could not believe how much I enjoyed this. I managed to convince him that the purchase of dress shoes and a fine silk handkerchief were worth the one-hundred dollars; the shirt and tie came with the tux. 

To no surprise, he did not know how to prepare a bow-tie. 

“Never had to before,” he muttered. “Got any I can just clip on?” 

The clerk blinked, in horror, and I waved him away before turning Dair to me. "You never had to wear a tie?" I asked as I slipped a loose one around his neck. 

"The regular kind, a couple times, but they were already made and clipped onto my collar." 

"Oh, mon dieu,” I chuckled as I pulled and wrapped and tucked the soft silk. He was such a little boy. “The one time mon pere suggested a clip-on to maman, she all but died from apoplexy. Much too low-class and unbefitting of a Lécuyer! She had gran’pere come to show us how. Which he did. Several times until Reynard and I could manage it, ourselves. Which made maman very happy. Shall I help you to learn, as well?" 

"I don’t wear suits and sure as hell not bow ties." 

“This is not a suit,” I sighed, finishing the tie. “It is a uniform to please your mother. C’est tout.” I turned him to look at himself in the mirror. 

He sighed. “Yeah, yeah, it’s not gonna hurt me, I guess. It’s just...Gareth’s the I’m-a-suit guy and he’s not even comin’. I’m the one backin’ her up.” I said nothing, in reaction; did nothing. “That wife of his...well...at least she let my nieces be in the wedding party. Probably because she wants details about how it went down.” 

I gave him a gentle nod. “It will be his loss, and he will see this in years to come.” Then I grinned and saluted him in the mirror. “Et pour ta mère, nous qui sommes sur le point de mourir, t'honneur."

He laughed. "What?" 

"C'est un proverbe. A proverb. It means..." 

"Wait, wait, wait...lemme work it out. Uh...mourir is to die, nous is we...oh, oh, We who are about to die salute you!" 

I nodded. "You learn French?" 

He smiled at me, murmuring, "Just a little. Um, un petite peu. Helped me in France."

"With the doctor you met?"

He blushed and stepped back, slumped his shoulders a little, slipped his hands in the trouser pockets and muttered, "So does this really work for you?” 

Oh-la, he made such a lovely image, I could not help but whisper, "Oh, Dair, you are so much better looking than I." 

He laughed, said, "Liar. Now let’s see your tux."

"I am not in the wedding party, so I wear my own suit."

It's the end of the world and I'm writing a book...

It really hit hard, today. Mainly because of the abject stupidity of the MAGAt Class who worship Felon47 and revel in him giving rein to their racism and hate. And I see no end to it unless that POS dies in the next three weeks. Then maybe...maybe we'll survive.

Because there is no talking to people like that. They are not open to reason or reality. They too busy enjoying the pain and suffering they're causing. MAGA is a new religion, and just as vile as the old ones.

And it's not just in America. It's all over the globe. Bloggers and commenters in Africa and Asia and Europe and South America choosing the side of terrorism over simple human decency. We're out to kill each other for no more reason than we can. Guns. Drones. Whatever.

I was reminded of John B Calhoun's theory of Behavioral Sink, which he came up with while experimenting with rats...and later, mice...regarding overpopulation. A few rodents were put into a confined space and provided with plenty of food and water, where they overbred to the point their behaviors were altered and they couldn't function. (The link provides a much better description).

I actually wondered if earth was an alien scientist's experiment along the same lines?

What's funny is, I began thinking about this after I found and rewrote one section of Dair's Window that I needed: when Dair and Adam get ready for Marion's third wedding. Initially, I'd had Dair dressing Adam in a suit because he'd never worn one, which was totally wrong. Adam knows class. He's used it to make his way in the world. So I switched it, and it worked out a lot better.

In fact, the moment they finally connect in bed will now come after the wedding, where it just builds from the night and the joy and they support for each other, starting on January 1, 2001. Much better timing.

I went through a rough few moments lost as to what happens when and where is best for it, and this is helping. I've even worked up an XL Spreadsheet for the years 1996-2010 and decided to not have Dair go to trial for beating up Bobby. Just preliminary hearings and delays.

It may be futile to keep going on it, but I can't change now.

Then in honor of Diane Keaton, I watched First Wives Club and loved it. Again. Got it on DVD.

I have hundreds of DVDs. I need to sort these things out.

Incomplete...

Well, it appears sections of Dair's Window I thought I'd written either were not or are hidden somewhere in another file. I figure I have maybe 60% of it in order but I'm missing moments like when Dair and Adam are dressing for Marion's third marriage...and Dair is very uncomfortable in a suit but Adam is dragging him through the process.

There's also a bit where Adam comes up with an idea for making Marion's ski lodge a go-to place year 'round by focusing on the Snoqualmie Indigenous Culture and having special events throughout the spring and summer, into fall. Which I know I wrote but is not in either of the ring binders...and I cannot find the file.

I'm also missing the actual part where Dair is put on trial for nearly beating a guy to death. Someone firebombs Dair's lodge and all evidence points to this jerk named Bobby, so Dair confronts him and they start trading blows...but Dair is the better fighter and loses control and would have killed him had he not been stopped.

Probably all buried in one of the massive number of story constructions I've got. So next is digging into every single solitary file I have to see if I can pull together everything I need to tell this story.

God, I have no sense of order in my life. 

I am a fucking psycho...

I'm in the foulest mood...and I can trace it to receiving a letter from my apartment insurance company telling me my premium hadn't been paid so would be cut off, when I had paid it. So I called them to find out WTF...only you can't talk to a person; you have to deal with their roto-voice bullshit, first. So I just went ahead and verified that way that it's been paid and tossed the bullshit in a folder.

And could not shake my anger over this. So it's probably good I didn't get hold of someone in customer service. I'd have wound up as an example of a male Karen on someone's tik-tok.

Feeding this anger is the MAGAt Class continuing the shutdown in DC until after the 20th, all to protect the pedophile puke in the White house and some of his rich buddies, not to mention a few assholes on the GOP side. They don't want to release the Epstein files to show who paid that monster so they could rape kids.

Of course, it's messing with me. I'm supposed to head for Seattle on the 17th. I guess that all depends on whether or not air traffic controllers are on the job, again. 

I'm also approaching my usual this is all fucked up mindset for Dair's Window because I can't find things I know I wrote. And me telling myself to take it easy only pisses me off, more.

So I dumped everything and ran errands -- getting quarters for laundry from my bank, returning a key to the Caladex office, grabbing some groceries I needed at a Wegmans and having an avocado roll. Normally, that last bit would settle me...but they didn't have any 20oz bottles of DPZ available...and that got me really going.

So I bought an almond croissant, said Fuck it all, and self-indulged. I'm trying to keep my blood sugar down and that will mess with it...but right then I needed joy instead of deprivation. And it was so fucking good.

But son-of-a-bitch, I was still pissy...until I stumbled across this guy. He centered me. Completely.

Marcus Balliette...un homme au France et un trés beau mec...by way of Miami. Shit, he made me fickle enough to think he's a better look for Adam in DW.

Which he is. He's got the beauty and a touch of that French arrogance. I could see any man going for him, gay or self-proclaimed straight.

Sorry, Arnaud, but you been replaced.

Et je suis un merde.

Major gaps...

Now I know what Dair and Adam look like, I feel a lot more comfortable with the story and all that happens. I can feel it, better.

The worst part about going over a draft of a book you set aside some time ago is seeing how sections it needs are not there and have to be filled in. Which also means it's going to get longer. But before you can figure out what the story really needs, all the background has to be there.

So I'm reading through and suddenly we jump from Dair and Adam finally connecting in the bedroom to Adam protecting him from Sarah's gossip by going after her cousin, Bobby. She's never liked Dair, even though she's married to his older brother, Gareth. She thinks he's been favored over Gareth and is doing all she can, subtly, to drive him out of town.

So Adam goes head to head with her, and she backs down. For now. But I need more of a lead-up to it. Right now, it's like one of those this has to happen here to keep the story going things, and I don't like that. There's also indications she's talking Adam down so he won't get odd jobs over the summer...which is damaging his ability to make a living.

I need to handle this more carefully. I've made notes, and I've fought back the impulse to deal with this issues now, putting them off till I'm done reading everything I have. But it's not easy.

I mitigated it by staying in bed and using my bed tray all day. Nice and cozy...if not so great on my butt.

Serendipity...

I stumbled onto the perfect image of Dair. I'd been thinking of using Kyle Krieger for that but it didn't feel completely right. Too old and well-built.

I considered a few other guys, including a Spanish doctor, and no one fit. I was about to settle on Ben Cohen when I happened onto Derrick Henry.

He's got the right face. He's a few years older than Dair, but that doesn't matter. This picture just stopped me cold...because it's a Dair expression. And attitude. Open and happy, almost like a golden retriever. Doesn't hurt he's got a nice body, too.

Now I'm letting the story expand as it wants, through this draft. The next draft may be to fill in some plot holes and add clarity. Adam's story progresses nicely, if a bit lumpy. I have what I think is a blunt, almost brutal confrontation between Adam and Sarah, Dair's homophobic sister in law.

I need to be careful about one thing -- teen boys being used for sex. Adam is thrown out of his home when he's 15, and winds up placed in a foster home where the man running it sells the boys there for sexual favors. The age of consent in Canada, then, was 14...so long as their partner wasn't in a position of authority over them. 

In Washington state, it's 16, with the same provision. Also included? Adam stumbles onto a group of kids who're selling themselves for drugs and cash, run by a homophobe named Bobby, and helps one get out of that lifestyle. 

Just to be clear, I'm not into guys under the age of 23. I can't even begin to understand the attraction to teenage boys...or girls. But it seems some assholes, like Felon47, are really into that...right down to 12-14 year olds..and that's a real turnoff, to me.

Got my work cut out for me...

What I've written on DW, so far, is going to take a fair amount of work. I'm still dealing with Adam's time up to and while he's in Fairview. Then comes setting up the conflict between Dair, a snarly brat named Bobby, and Sarah, his sister-in-law. It's okay but needs some aspects to be better established so it flows instead of lumber.

Adam has decided to get as much as he can out of Dair, and acknowledges actually cheating him on work he does on the lodge. And is not sorry...until Dair defends him against Sarah's smarmy gossip. Then he starts to feel protective of Dair.

All this will need at least half a dozen rewrites to even begin to read properly. 

I wonder if I should do the book in 3 parts...or four, maybe? All in one volume. It would be thick, at the rate it's going. I'd like to cut at least 20% out to streamline it...but when I do that I wind up adding more. Like this poem Adam writes after being shaken by watching Vertigo:

Adam I have been 
And now I am him 
In fullness and in grace. 
His visage still my face 
And yet is not... 
For I now renew 
In ways yet untrue. 
Embers burn within. 
Once again, 
I am him 
And I can but begin 
And be forgot.

There will be many more of these.

God, I'm tired. I didn't sleep, last night, and only got a  4 hour nap, this afternoon. Going to bed early.

Settling on A-B-C...

I recalled I'd printed out a full copy of everything I'd written on Dair's Window so found it and it's all in binders, now. Adam's story in one. Dair's story beginning December 2009 in the other. I'm going through them, and I'm thinking I like getting the reader to know Adam and how he formed.

He's being brutally honest about himself. No excuses. No justifications. Nor is there any willingness to accept judgement from anyone else over his choices. He services men and women sexually in exchange for money and things he needs. He has the ability to leave with nothing if things grow too dangerous for him. And he always makes sure he has enough cash on hand to be able to do so.

He finds ways around any limitations...like getting a Medicare Card for the Canadian healthcare system. And an ID. He knows what he can do and what he can't to also make money legally. He does not accept society's hypocrisy and refuses to lie, though he will sometimes only reveal as much truth as necessary to handle a situation, if need be.

I'm making notes through his story and am to the point of his second year as assistant ski instructor at a resort outside of Whistler, north of Vancouver. It's here he is turned onto Hitchcock's Vertigo by a video store clerk who tells him it doesn't make a bit of sense but is lovely to look at...and the movie tears him apart.

Because it reflects too much in his life.

The film made perfect sense...as a hideous nightmare a man dreams just before he dies. He thinks of how he escaped his death by allowing the policeman at the beginning to die but then builds a story in his mind that draws him back in steps and stages to try and rewrite what happened.

He falls into a dream world where, in an attempt to change the past he kills two innocent women...Madeline and Judy. And do not tell me they were the same person. That was but his mind justifying his obsession with Madeline, a woman of true beauty and meaning, a thing of perfection. Whom he then formed, again, from Judy, who was nothing but clay to be used as the basis for a second attempt at revision.

Both were caught in this man's nightmare. Both were used and tossed aside like they were nothing. Nothing. With him even saying, when Judy fights against his manipulation, "It can't matter to you."

Can't matter to you? That I am destroying your sense of self? That I deny you as you are and will only accept you as what you are not? Then once she has done as he wills, he carries her to the place where she will die.

He had fought, in his own mind, fought to free himself from guilt and his fate only to find himself caught deeper in it as it destroys others, as well. Leaving him on the precipice of his own death.

I bawled at the end. Like a child who has just realized all around him are monsters, not protective angels. Like a man who has just realized his life is nothing to anyone.

Yes, these were thoughts I'd already visited many times, but now I could see that I sensed it only on an intellectual level. The crushing truth of what they meant was crystalized in this movie in my heart and soul, and I could see myself in both women. Used. Manipulated. Destroyed.

I don't know if this makes a damn bit of sense, but it definitely changes Adam's entire world.

Construction contemplations...

I've settled on Arnaud Dehaynin as the model for Adam, and now I'm currently trying to figure out the best way to work the story. I've got 2 possibilities, either of which would work fine but with different tones and results.

First, jump from chapter one into Dair returning to his home for the first time in nearly 4 years, and dealing with how it has not been kept up. This would lay out the area of Fairview that he lived in and what his house looks like. Lodge, actually, because it used to be a small ski resort kind of place.

It would mean jumping back and forth in the timeframe, where Adam's life would come out in reference to actions happening around Dair as he prepares for his wedding and winds up being charged with assault for a fight with a dickhead named Bobby.

Probably a more demanding read but it might prevent any part of it seeming tedious. I think. You never really know. It would also give a specific impression of Adam that would be challenged in parts. Make the reader question what they know about him. For example, presenting him as a loving, caring young man...who got caught stealing money out of Dair's wallet.

But this would also necessitate changes in the tone and sentence structure as Adam tells some parts of the story in his nearly poetic style, then the rest is done in plain third person omniscient, and I'm not sure I like jumping back and forth, in that way.

Second is having Adam tell his story up to the point he and Dair become lovers...or even to when Adam dies...and then jump the four years to him returning after lawsuits and court fights and becoming involved with Wallace, his gay attorney.

This would be a fairly straightforward way to tell the story. Going A, B, C, D, E...and so forth before shifting form to jump around. Go to third person and change the tone to casual. Have the trials and legal wrangling come out in bits and pieces as it goes along.

Either way is fine, I just need to figure out which is best...and right now I'm leaning to the latter.

Last of Chapter One...

I pulled the elastic on his shorts and let it snap back against him. He yelped, then I rose from the bed, singing like Eartha Kitt as I slipped into his moccasins and pulled on a thick robe.

“C’est si bon.
 C’est un café au lait.
And I bring it today.
 Maybe on a tray, okay?” 

I then scurried into the kitchen, still humming. I know he watched me go; I heard him chuckle. Heard the mattress softly protest as he stretched to stay warm under the covers. Drifting. Dreaming. Thinking. 

I still wonder at how could I have found such a man. Me! Whose life had been anything but filled with grace and beauty. Who had learned far too early how to use others for his survival. Who had been selfish and feral in his existence. I was hardly deserving of him. 

I should have remembered something my Gra’man had once told me. Never question the fates, for they will never explain and may take offense. Just accept when you are happy, and be thankful. 

I should have listened to her. 

I should have requested the day off, or at least postponed my classes until later. He was right about his mother; she would never have fired me. She knew I loved her son beyond measure and would support him in every way he needed...as well as those he didn’t... 

Or he thought he didn’t. 

Like a child. 

Had I not been caught in that avalanche, nothing could have come between us. 

You may have heard of it. First day of spring after a winter of heavy snow. Caused by a snowboarder who had snuck into a closed off area. It even buried part of his mother’s lodge and the public ski lift. 

My students and I were on an upper slope when I heard it coming. I rushed them to a protective cover. All but one was safe when it crashed in upon us. 

I remember feeling only anger, not fear. 

And then nothing. 

Just darkness and silence. 

And my existence was no longer part of Dair’s. 

And yet I...I could not leave him, not even in death. No more could I touch him. Nor he hold me. Or hear me whisper how deeply I had loved him. But still I remained.

It was a form of hell.

Perhaps of punishment.

Or perhaps...just perhaps...a way of giving me time to find one through whom I could tell my story.

Can it be possible, you may wonder, for one who has left the corporeal world to now speak in it? This is not so difficult to understand. It has taken me some years, but I have located a conduit who has kindly opened himself to me. Many writers speak of their works finding them rather than them finding their works, and here is such a case.

Now my one and only past will flow through him. And every word shall carry none of the carefulness or false remembrances which so easily taint all memories. For in such an existence, only truth is allowed to me. And I must honor it.

So please believe me when I tell you of how lovely my Dair is. How decent a man he is. And talented. And kind. And know I do not say this because I love him. 

Loved him. 

No...still love him. 

I say it because it is true.

At least, it was... 

But since my death, life has been her cruelest to him. For everything that happened to him in the years following was my cause. Not by my fault...and yet, it was. So much so, I wonder if becoming one with him was right for me to do. Because now I fear...I fear he no longer remembers our last morning together. He no longer sees those gentle words between us as being lovely. As lovely to him as they are to me. I fear they are tainted by knowing that was the morning my story ended.

For now I can see...he believes his did, as well.

More of chapter one...

Adair Carwyn Llewellyn. How I loved to say his name aloud, though my French accent mangled it. 

“Welsh,” he once told me, though I had not asked. “Dad was a freak about that. So my brother got Gareth, which is almost normal, and I got the one for fun. Not as sexy as the French, or even French Canadienne, but...” 

“Québécois, mon ange,” I had replied, smiling. 

“C’est vrai,” was his reply, but he pronounced it, Say veray. 

I had to laugh. His French...ooh-la... 

He was four months short of his thirtieth birthday, that morning. A man but still so much a boy of his world. The mountains east of Seattle had been his home from the day of his birth. And thanks to this, his life had been one of comfort. Safety. Protection. Parents who loved him, if not each other. A brother older, who would leave him to himself. A rambling home halfway up a foothill. A community where everyone knew everyone. 

Named as Fairview. A middle-class name for a middle-class town. But it held people who liked him. Who cared for him. Who helped build his fortress against the few who did not. So he grew to be certain and sure, and willing to live the life he wanted. 

On top of this, he was one of those rare men who, from an early age, knew what they would become. And he did well, with it. Was happy and alive with it. 

And he let my world blend with his. He allowed me a taste of the joy that seemed to surrounded him. The support. The comfort. There were times at night I would hide and weep in the shadows, I could not believe how happy this made me. 

My own name? Adam Henrí Lécuyer, once of Terrebonne, by Montreal. Three years his junior, but at the very least ten years older than he, in heart and spirit. And in my own reality, twice that. Simple to say, while he had been nurtured in a world of safety and care, I had not. 

But that may be discussed at another time. For this moment, my focus remains upon that last day. 

Our last morning, together... 

Oh, dear God, how I wish I had stayed for just a little longer. Held him closer. But instead, in response to his gentle request, all I did was pat his elegant behind and say, “I would love to snuggle, but that could take all morning and I must be to the slopes by nine or your mother will fire me.” 

As reference, I was a ski instructor at his mother’s lodge, during the winter. Sophisticated and cool, was I...to the primitive minds of far too many. An example of easy, masculine grace and sexuality. Were any to mention this to me, I would shrug and reply they should see me in the off-season, when I was a handyman, gardener, and carpenter, with all of the dirt and sweat they entailed. And that would bring an end to that. 

His response to my comment? A soft purring, “She won’t. She loves you more than me.” 

“I am not sure how to understand that claim,” I said, tracing my fingers down his hip and leg to draw them back up the hairs on his thigh. 

He pulled me closer to him, almost whining, "It's late in the season..." 

I looked through the French doors. Soft flakes continued to drift down in the bare morning light. "And all my classes are full," I whispered. Then I leaned over him to brush my lips over his thick, lovely lashes and he finally opened his eyes. “Café ou thé?” I asked. 

“Coffee -- no, café, s'il vous plaît.” Spoken in his hideous accent. Ooh-la, it always made me laugh.

Dair's Window...part of chapter one...

Adam is beginning to speak...

----

My last day with Dair was the first day of spring. Warm comforters held us in place long past night, refusing to release the beauty of near waking. Even with soft snow against French doors, filtering early light across our bed. 

It was I who woke first, as always, and took in my breath of him. Drew him deep to bring him even closer as I whispered... 

"Dair it's Adam.
 Dair it's Adam. 
 Dormez-vous? 
 Dormez-vous? 
 If you were awake, now. 
 We could have some fun, now. 
 Foolin' 'round. 
 Foolin' 'round." 

 

Touched with the lightest of laughter. 

He sighed and shifted, like a sleepy kitten, and his rough, oh-so-exquisite hands grasped mine as if to pull me closer. His powerful body, so lovely in form, adjusted to mine, and his deep, dark, elegant eyes squinted a bit tighter as he drew in his first waking breath. With the hint of a purr, he rubbed his morning whiskers against my forearms and murmured, “Snuggle.” 

I chuckled and shifted so my nose nuzzled his ear. Mornings like this were always so perfect. Ooh-la, how I loved the feel of him. Strong. Well-fitted. Touched with hair in just the right places. His form was not as carefully crafted as mine, nor even as solid. Merely human and real, with a soft layer of perfection to cover him. Someone to hold you and be held. 

I cannot describe the pleasure I would feel tracing my fingers down his perfect back. Always, always a surprising joy. Or to draw my hands through the dark hair cropped close to his head...that was the embodiment of fulfillment. To feel him breathing under his sleeping shirt was intoxication. Even the light scruff around a chin so neat and strong, for it to rub against mine as his lips touched mine was to know heaven. 

I especially loved to caress the lines in his face, soft creases brought about by joyous smiles. So many times I had told him they made him better looking than I, and on each occasion he would laugh and call me liar and draw me into his embrace...and peace would surround me. He was the very meaning of comfort.

Of home. 

How could that have been possible? For one such as me to find a man so wonderful? What had I done right for this reward? Nothing in my life had prepared me for it. Nothing.

Nor had anything prepared me for the possibility that I might lose him.

But at that moment, on that last morning, the only thoughts I had were that I was his and he was mine. My only world. And to love him was to love life in all its beauty.

And cruelty. 

Shifting details

Simon doesn't want to do any poems or ditties, as I call them. He feels to do so would be shallow and pathetic. BUT...Adam is taking them and using them to describe some of the men who sexually abused him when he was in a foster home. He's young and keeps a journal and they're in it, with odd little sketches of each man.

He starts out using their real names, but that gets him into serious trouble with the snake who's pimping him. The man was told by another boy about Adam's writings, so searched his room to find it, then seriously beat Adam once it was found. Money he'd saved was taken, as well.

However, Adam soon realizes the pimp kept the book and is using it as blackmail, to protect himself and his racket. He fosters orphan boys and kids kicked out of their homes for being gay, like Adam was. On the state dime.

He's got corrupt, hypocritical politicians, businessmen, priests and NGO heads backing him in anything he wants to do...in exchange for his silence and continued access to the boys.

Corruption is nothing new or even recent, in politics. Ulysses S Grant supposedly had the most corrupt administration in US history, until the current Felon in Chief. Warren G. Harding wasn't exactly a saint when it came to business deals, while Nixon wasn't so much venal as just plain in love with power.

So...Dair's Window already has a sort of structure in place. Part One telling about Adam through his time with Dair, before he dies. Part Two is Adam watching over Dair like a guardian angel and seeing how horribly he's being treated by his parents, who sue him for half his wealth because they claim Adam helped him make it.

The story is going to end in 2008, with the backlash against Proposition 8, in California, that's spreading. I want to be able to reference touchstones in the fight for equality. But the beginning is going to focus on Adam and his developing poetry, shifting to serious as he rides the trans-Canadian train from Toronto to Vancouver...and how he eventually uses it as a way to avoid his growing feelings for Dair.