Coming soon...

I'm working up a new website for my adult books, and paying someone to do it properly. I can't really afford that, but it's needed and I've been putting it off too long. You see, I just don't know how the hell to do it right, and haven't the patience to learn.

I decided to keep the MM books completely separate from my mainstream ones to simplify promoting them. I'm not hiding anything; they all have my name on them and if you Google me, How to Rape a Straight Guy is one of the first things to come up. 

Now they're going to be under the KMSMM website name, and we'll see how it turns out.

The main deal is, I'm 73 years old. I don't need to hide anything anymore. Not even in this insane, fucked-up political climate.

I already knew enough about history to know that there has always been a sizable portion of mankind that is just plain cruel. Evil. Beastly. It shows throughout history, even from prehistoric times. Man is an animal, and like many animals has a streak of viciousness in him that cannot be removed. Only controlled...if they even want to.

This century has brought me to the understanding that probably 40% of humanity 1) does not care about anyone but themselves, 2) rejoices in the pain and suffering of those they do not like and 3) considers themselves the hierarchy of humanity. And me ever pretending some of that is not in me is really ridiculous.

I manage mine by writing books that let me vent it onto the page instead of hurting people. I've known for a while I have an unhealthy obsession with serial killers like John Wayne Gacy, Dean Corll, Randy Kraft and William Bonin. Writing books like Hunter, The Beast in the Nothing Room, and Underground Guy have given me an outlet for that obsession...which is relatively healthy...

Even as my stories grow darker and colder and crueler and my style grows more chatty and light. What can I say? I'm a psycho.

I love it when it snows...

...But only because I don't have to go out in it. Only, today I did, and it was a blizzard. Seriously. Took me half an hour to dig my car out so I could do what I needed to do. In a sharp wind that sent the snow sideways. Drove 5 miles an hour on snow-packed streets with other idiots out in it. And it's still snowing, out there.

But now I'm back in my cozy, warm apartment sipping hot tea and thinking about how to deal with new ideas for Taking Nicky. Suggestions made by the characters, for me to choose from.

Does Rett overpower Nicky, tie him up, take him to an isolated spot and rape him? It's what he wants to do but can't figure out how without eventually having to kill the guy to keep himself from being found out. And that's too stupid for him to do.

Does Rett find a way to drug Nicky and use him and record it, then use the recording to protect himself? You say anything and this is broadcast all over the world on YouTube. Not very reliable as a defense.

Does it turn out Nicky liked being forced into sex with Rett and now won't let him go? I've seen other stories like that, though, so not so sure it would work here.

Do Rett's buddies...Vance, Ben and Liam...find a way to become part of the assault on Nicky? Like find video he recorded years ago during a revenge rape. Not sure how to handle that.

Is Rett the one really being set up? He goes after Nicky but it's him who is wanted as the rape victim. Maybe as the eventual slave of an oligarch. Nicky's in on it with Vance, to help fund a movie? That's closer to fantasyland, but...

Decisions...decisions...

8th grade...

I reworked and fit Rett's school situation, when he stopped some bullies from bothering him into the story...

---------

You see, there’s something in my genetic makeup that kicks in, at times, and takes complete control of me. It’s like a switch that flicks on, starting up a maniacal focus mixed with a willingness to use violence to get my way. I first really paid attention to it in eighth grade. 

I used to doodle a lot, and wound up sketching women for the boys in my classes. Beautiful women. Anatomically correct...and very, very nude. Got those randy little shits feeling their testosterone. I’d sell them for a dollar and did okay business. 

But then two schoolyard bullies...Kenneth and Leo...got hold of one and threatened to turn me into the principal if I didn't give them half of what I made. 

I told them, "Go ahead." Automatic, on my part. Nobody blackmails me, even at the age of fourteen. 

So they did, and I got into huge trouble. Dragged into the principal's office. My folks were brought in. I was called a pornographer and horrible and needed to rethink my path in life and on and on. Slapped me with a two week suspension, and I was told if I was caught doing it, again, I’d be expelled. 

As if that would be a punishment. 

I hated that school. So I said nothing in response. Wouldn’t have made any difference, anyway. I loved those two weeks off. 

We were living in Fontana, at the time, thanks to my dad’s work at the airport. I had to ride a school bus since my folks were both deep into working and couldn’t take me. Half the brats on that bus were complete dicks to me because I wasn’t a cool kid, nor all that built up, back then, and I read a lot. That made me more nerd than they approved of. 

As for the teachers, they all wanted to make sure I understood that I was not living up to my potential, even though I was getting As and Bs... Well, except in art class. That dick hated everything I did and often used it as an example of what not to do...like a drawing of boots in a desert should minimize the shadows. Minimize shadows under a desert sun? Seriously? So it Cs only, there...which is part of the reason I shifted my focus to writing. Got As in English. 

Anyway, when 1 returned Kenneth and Leo and their little pack started in on me. Verbal harassment. Physical. That included one girl who rode the same school bus as me. She and I had ignored each other, since she got on the bus before me en route to school and had her clique of mean girls to be with on the trip home. But then she started getting on after me in the afternoon and as she passed would smack me on the head with a ring she wore. It had a large, sharp rhinestone on it which she'd shift around to her palm side, to hide what she was doing. 

I told her to stop. 

She wouldn't.

So come Friday when she did it, again, I smacked her in the side. She hit me again and I smacked her, again. And again. This continued until blood trailed down my face. She yelped and quickly moved away to be with her clique, giggling nervously. 

I just felt for the cut and pressed on it to stop the bleeding. 

Fucking bus driver did nothing about it. 

When my mother got home she freaked out over the blood on my shirt and backpack, but I wouldn’t tell her what happened. I had locked into this anger and revenge mode. And quickly worked out exactly what to do to Kenneth and his pack, on Monday. 

The day came. 

The pack of bullies swarmed me in a hallway, howling and threatening and snarling... 

Until Kenneth shoved me against the lockers. He hadn’t noticed I had a nice, sharp #2 pencil in my hand. I jerked my arm up and rammed it into the back of his left bicep. Tore in at an angle, and stuck. 

It was beautiful. Blood flew. Howls of pain. Students screamed. Teachers rushed over. A chaos of voices roared over each other as Kenneth showed them his arm and his pack pointed at me. 

He was carted off to the nurse’s station while I was hauled into the principal's office and told I was going to jail for assault. 

But this time I played the wide-eyed innocent and said, “It was an accident. He shoved me and my arm jerked, that’s all.” 

The principal didn’t believe me...until one teacher who'd actually seen it but was doing nothing to stop it was dumb enough to say, "He didn't shove you that hard." 

Which backed my claim up. As did the security cam that caught it all. No charges filed. Still a two-week suspension. But after that, the bullies left me alone. 

Probably because I whispered to Leo the first day I was back, “Next one goes in an eye.” 

Nicky flicked the switch on that attitude when he pulled his first asshole stunt while zooming past me on the bike pathway. It wasn’t overwhelming, yet, not like it could be. But it grew and expanded every time I saw him swooshing past and being his usual dickish self...

Until taking him enveloped me.

Distractions ending?

I've begun posting chapters of Taking Nicky on GayDemon.com. Have three up. If you want to read them, you're welcome to. It's free. They just will not be suitable for under 18, at all, and have some serious MM-noncon in them. But I'm using them as my therapy.

I'm going to try and get that novella done before I return to San Antonio. I have 13,300 words done and figure it will be about double that. I'll have access to good WiFi at my brother's apartment; I just don't know what kind of time or focus I'll be allowed.

Once this is done, I'm turning to finishing Blood Angel, my gay vampire series of stories. It's been on a back burner for too long and I want it finished. Now. 

In fact, I feel the need to complete everything I started. No more new stories.

So there's also completing Darian's Point as a book, Dair's Window and The Murder of a Quiet Man. Four total projects...well, five if I include TN...which will take me a while. But it's start now or start never, and never is not really an option.

Be interesting to see how long I can keep to this...

Too much going on...

My brother is at home with hospice coming in 3 times a week to work with him. Make him comfortable. And he seems to have calmed down a lot. He has good moments and bad, but the wild swings seem to have settled except for one thing...he won't eat.

I don't think it's right to make him do what he doesn't want to do. His cancer is terminal. He's not a candidate for chemo or surgery. So my thought is to just handle any pain and let things take their course.

My sister is dealing with this almost completely on her own. She's got some help from her husband and a nephew, but overall it's been on her. I'll do what I can to take over when I go down, giving her a break from it. But I don't know how much I can do. Guess we'll see.

The murder of Alex Pretti is also weighing on me, because the lack of full and complete pushback by Democratic leaders just confirms in my heart and soul that America is morally bankrupt. To allow the ICE thugs who shot that man nearly a dozen times as he lay on the ground...after he tried to help a woman they had attacked...to just walk away is depraved beyond belief.

I can't accept it. I can't handle it. I don't know what to do in response to it. The life I'd taken for granted in America is shattered...and I'm at a loss. The billionaire class has manipulated the MAGAt Cult into becoming their attack hounds, and they seem to be winning the battle. Good does not triumph here. It can't. Not enough people want it to.

I've tried to work on Taking Nicky, and did get a little more done, but finally just gave in, set up my laptop to play some Midsomer Murder mysteries and ironed my shirts and pants from weeks worth of laundry. Kept my mind off everything for a little bit.

It snowed all day, but now the clouds are gone and the half-moon is visible. Whatever happens won't be the end of the world...just the end of our lies about ourselves being decent human beings.

My world is at an end...and restarting...

ICE murdered another civilian in Minneapolis...an RN at the VA who was trying to help a woman they'd shoved to the ground...and Felon47's monsters are lying about it. He was pepper sprayed, pummeled by 6 of them and then shot point blank several times. And the MAGAt Cult is celebrating it...the motherfuckers...

Obviously, none of my screaming on Xitter and Instagram has done a bit of good, nor has contacting my reps. They're all cowards unwilling to do anything...though Schumer, one of my senators, finally said he won't let a funding bill go through, now.

How fucking brave and principled.

American is morally bankrupt. We let things get to this point, where this new gestapo is committing murder with impunity, because it was just too much trouble to stop it...and I don't know if we will be able to rebuild from this.

I shifted a lot of my anger into Taking Nicky and added nearly 3000 words...leading up to a point where Rett is going to show just how he gets even with a man who's wronged him. I'm going to have the target be a MAGAt POS to make it even sweeter.

I'm only going to publish this story for free, on GayDemon. I don't feel the need to spend money on it and just want it out there to be read, when I'm done. I may do that with the rest of Blood Angel, too.

Oh, Neptune Society doesn't work in Buffalo. So I may just ask to have my ashes strewn in the water off Catalina, once I die. Needs a VS-9 permit and has certain regulations to follow, but it's doable. Might even be able to hire a Cremated Remains Disposer to do it for us.

More bullshit to look into.

Shit, shit, and more shit...

This was one of those days where I had to deal with too much shit. Insurance refusing to cover lab work done...that is approved by Medicare, so they can't refuse it. Then changing and telling me they didn't get the doctor to respond to a request for more information. 

Getting the doctor's office to agree to look into it was fun. But it's that or I pay over $1000. All while Quest is ignoring me and won't let me get through when I try to call. I get the We're busy, call back bullshit.

And there's the ongoing saga of that car wreck I had just over a month ago...but which may finally be getting settled.

I'm also trying to get a funeral home to tell me whether or not they will work with the Neptune Society to take my ashes, once I'm gone. Not planning to kick the bucket for a while, but preparation is good. My brother's cremation and internment will cost close to $10,000 once he's gone, half of which I'm paying.

And he's also being difficult to deal with, despite hospice being there. Caused another trip to the ER to reinstate a drainage tube he pulled out of his right kidney. My sister is handling him.

So I went to a grocery store nearby, had an Avocado Roll I like there, got a couple things to take care of me when the next snow storm hits, and toodled home.

I worked a bit on Taking Nicky, mainly reworking what I'd already written and adding to it. I'm now at just over 7500 words, and it's become more vicious than I thought it would be. And fun. Rett is now wondering how he's going to get Nicky, no whether or not he should.

I really enjoyed Murder Before Evensong, despite not quite believing the reveal...though it did still affect me. Matthew Lewis was lovely as Canon Clement, and the script nicely paced. The acting on a good level, and the gay subplot well-handled.

I did think a few times the story was edging close to having Daniel and DS Neil Vanloo connect, which probably would have been to much...but I enjoyed their near flirting.

Night off.

 I'm watching a cozy British murder mystery on Acorn -- Murder Before Evensong. It's set in 1988 and is actually very well-done. Matthew Lewis is Canon Daniel Clement and I'm liking him as one of the investigators. It's 6 episodes, each about 40-45 minutes long, so I bingeing it. I need a break from the reality of the world.

Needless to say, Matthew lewis developed quite nicely from being Neville Longbottom in the Harry Potter series.

Rett's psychotic makeup...

I'm going to give Rett free rein to see what he does, thanks to this.

-------

You see, there’s some part of my genetic makeup that sometimes kicks in and takes complete control of me. It’s like a switch that flicks on, starting up a brutal stubbornness mixed with a willingness to use violence to get my way. 

I first really paid attention to it in eighth grade. I used to doodle a lot, and wound up sketching women for the boys in my classes. Beautiful women. Anatomically correct...and very, very nude. I’d sell them for a dollar and did okay business. 

But then two schoolyard bullies...Kenneth and Leon...got hold of one and threatened to turn me into the principal if I didn't give them half of what I made. 

I told them, "Go ahead." 

So they did, and I got into huge trouble. Dragged into the principal's office. My folks were brought in. I was called a pornographer and horrible and needed to rethink my path in life and on and on. Slapped me with a two week suspension, and I was told if I was caught doing it, again, I’d be expelled. As if that would be a punishment. 

I said nothing in response. Wasn’t going to make any difference. 

I loved those two weeks off because I hated that school. We were living in Fontana, at the time, thanks to dad's job at the airport. I had to ride a school bus since my folks were both deep into working and couldn’t take me. 

Half the kids on that bus were complete dicks to me because I wasn’t all that built up, back then, and read a lot. That made me more nerd than they approved of. And the teachers all wanted to make sure I understood that I had lots of potential, even though I was getting As and Bs... 

Well, except in art class. That dick hated everything I did and often used it as an example of what not to do...like a drawing of boots in a desert should minimize the shadows. Cs only, there...which is part of the reason I shifted my focus to writing. Got As in English. 

Anyway, when 1 returned Kenneth and Leon started in on me. Verbal harassment. Physical. They had a pack that included one girl who rode the same bus as me. She and I had ignored each other, since she got on the bus before I did en route to school and had her clique of mean girls to be with on the trip home. 

But then she started getting on after me, at the school, and as she passed would smack me on the head with a ring she wore. It had a large, sharp rhinestone on it which she'd shift around to her palm side, to hide what she was doing. I told her to stop. She wouldn't, so come Friday when she did it, again, I smacked her in the side. She hit me again and I smacked her, again. And again. 

This continued until blood trailed down my face. She quickly moved away to be with her clique, giggling nervously. I just felt for the cut and pressed on it to stop the bleeding. 

Fucking bus driver did nothing about it. 

When I got home, my mother freaked out over the blood, but I wouldn’t tell her what happened. I was locked into anger and revenge mode. And quickly worked out exactly what to do to Kenneth and his pack, on Monday. 

The day came. The pack of bullies surrounded me in a hallway, howling and threatening and snarling until Kenneth shoved me. 

He hadn’t noticed I had a nice, sharp #2 pencil in hand. I jerked my arm up and rammed it into the back of his left bicep. Tore in at an angle, and stuck. 

Blood flew. Screams of pain brought teachers over. A chaos of voices howled over each other as Kenneth showed them his arm and other students freaked out. 

He was carted off to the nurse’s station while I was hauled into the principal's office and told I was going to jail for assault. But this time I played the wide-eyed innocent and said, “It was an accident. He shoved me and my arm jerked, that’s all.” 

The principal didn’t believe me...until one teacher who'd actually seen it but was doing nothing to stop it...was dumb enough to say, "He didn't shove you that hard." Which backed my claim up. 

As did the security cam that caught it all. 

No charges filed. Still a two-week suspension. But after that, the bullies left me alone. Especially when I whispered to Leon the next time I saw him, “Next one goes in an eye.” 

Nicky flicked the switch on that attitude when he pulled his first asshole stunt while zooming past me on the bike pathway. Not overwhelming, yet, but it grew and expanded every time I saw him swooshing past and being a dick...until taking him was my one real focus. 

Oh, I was still able to write and network like other people in the business. But Vance noticed a new edge to my script-work. A tension that wasn’t there, anymore. It’s probably what got my latest script sold and put into production...a revenge thriller with a female protagonist and some very hot sex scenes between her and the man she’s using to get to the assholes who raped and killed her sister. The director is already talking about taking it as close to NC17 as he can without losing an R rating. 

So I was getting ready to take Nicky. Even though I knew once I did I’d be going to hell on the wings of Satan.

Paperwork and bills...

A couple weeks worth that needed to be dealt with. Car accident. Insurance screw-up with Quest. Researching charitable organizations that might help with my brother's hospice care. Updating my bank book and figuring I'm pretty screwed. Lovely times.

Tax season is coming up and I'm tempted to just ignore it. I don't want my money going to help that maniac in the White House do Putin's dirty work in destroying what held the world together for decades. What we had wasn't perfect, but wrecking it for a dictator is no way to improve it.

Rett is getting a glimmer of just how crazy his idea is, kidnapping Nicky to use as his own. And realizes he's always had this streak in him of brutal stubbornness mixed with a willing to use violence to fight back.

It stems from a time in 8th grade, when he used to write sexy stories and sell them for a dollar to other boys in the school. Two schoolyard bullies got one of the stories and threatened to turn him into the principal if he didn't give them half of what he made. He told them, "Go ahead."

So they did, and he got into huge trouble. Dragged into the principal's office. His parents were brought in. He was called a pornographer. He said nothing in response. Then he was told if he was caught doing it, again, he'd be expelled instead of merely suspended for two weeks.

He loved those two weeks off because he hated that school, but when he returned the bullies started in on him. A pack that included one girl who rode the same bus as him. Going home, she'd get on after he did then would smack him in the head with a ring she wore. It had a large, sharp rhinestone on it wwhich she'd shift around to her palm side, to hide what she was doing..

He told her to stop. She wouldn't, so come Friday when she did it, again, he smacked her in the side. She hit him again and he smacked her, again. This continued until blood trailed down his face. When he got home, he said nothing about it, even as his mother freaked out of the blood.

Monday, the pack of bullies surrounded him and howled and threatened and snarled until the lead one pushed him...not noticing Rett had a sharp pencil in his hand. He jerked his arm and rammed the pencil into the boy's left bicep. 

Blood flew. Screams of pain brought teachers over. Rett was hauled into the principal's office and told he was going to jail for assault. But this time he said it was an accident. The bully had shoved him and his arm jerked, that was all. And one teacher who'd actually seen...it but was doing nothing to stop it...was dumb enough to say, "He didn't shove you that hard."

Which backed Rett's claim up. No charges filed. Still a two-week suspension. But after that, the bullies left him alone.

Nicky flicks the switch on that attitude, in Rett, when he pulls an asshole stunt while zooming past on the bike pathway. Nothing major...but just enough.

And then it's to hell in a handbasket.