Taos is off.

Too much is happening in San Antonio for me to make the trip. I'm staying the full 10 days. My niece is coming down, instead, and we'll do Christmas in Taos another year.

I still feel like shit but not as bad as the day before. I don't know what this crap is, but it's hanging onto me like it's an obsessive lover.

Enough of that and enough of the whining. I'm too prone to the latter. I'm surprised I don't walk around wringing my hands at everything that I see and hear.

I like to think I'm not stupid, that I know everything that's going on in the world, right now, is nothing new. Russia has invaded their neighbors for centuries based on some arrogant idea they are better than anyone else, and no one could possibly be stupid enough to disagree.

There have been droughts causing famines. Civil wars slaughtering civilians. Genocides by Europeans in the Americas, and tribes in Africa, India and Asia against each other. Natural catastrophes. The one real difference is we never saw them in real time until the last 50-100 years.

What's happening in Washington, right now, is just another corrupt bastard overstepping his bounds with the help of his craven courtiers. And it's not going to change until the man is dead and buried. Same for Putin; they're like 2 peas in a pod.

That is the only thing keeping me sane, right now...hoping I live long enough to see that. I want to piss on Felon47's grave and dance in the streets when Putin goes. But at the rate those two are going, they'll never die.

I may be overwhelmed with empathy for those who are suffering, but I'm also enraged that all of this evil is being done with impunity. No hand-wringing about that.

Scrambling...

Still sick-ish and mumbling through the day like a ghost. Took some Claritin to calm my sinuses down, and it's making me amazingly sleepy. But my nose was becoming its own character in my life and I had too much going on to take a nap.

My youngest brother, Kelly, is in the hospital thanks to problems with his kidneys. They're running tests to make sure they know what's wrong with him, because his blood-work readings are way high. Creatinine and BUN, both.

So I changed my flights. I'm still going to Albuquerque on the 21st but heading down to San Antonio on the 27th and back to Buffalo on the 30th. It meant dealing with Southwest and hotels and car rentals, online...and that was fun.

They do not make it easy to rearrange things. Best Western doesn't like to change reservations online. The offer the option but then it won't work. Southwest is easier, but not by much. And calling gets you on hold for half an hour.

I'm pretty sure I have everything straightened out, now...but won't know for sure till I go traveling. So I've printed everything out, on paper. 

I did get a few errands done around the apartment -- taking out the recycling, sweeping the floor, feeding the plants -- but the rest of the day was just meandering.

I pretty much stayed off social media till a little while ago, and will do that, again, tomorrow. I just cannot handle the nonstop hatefulness of the MAGAt Cult. Suddenly they're crying and begging for sympathy because they're going to lose their health insurance and can't find people to work in the fields and relatives are being deported. 

WelI...I don't care. I really don't. They were warned and chose their hateful addiction over their sensibility, and now they're finding out the monkey is on their backs.

I also mentioned to myself a lot of this could be handled with a relatively cheap bullet. It's good I don't own a gun.

I feel all tied up.

I planned to focus on figuring out what's going on with Dair's Window, today, but my brain wandered off into the stratosphere and I didn't even open it up. I feel as if I'm bound and gagged and unable to get loose to check into that the story wants.

It's like something is screaming at me on another plane of existence and I can't figure out the wavelength needed to tap into it. I can accept Adam's story being told in its own volume, but only after I'm done with Dair's. I just can't tell which of them is fighting to get the attention of my inner workings.

Told myself I wouldn't go online to do battle with the idiots of FaceBook, Twitter and Instagram, but ignored my own promise to myself. Which probably added to my feeling of being bound and gagged and yelled at in a language I cannot hear or understand.

Reading the filth that comes out of the MAGAt Cult's diseased minds is really quite disheartening. Cracking jokes about the murders of Rob and Michele Reiner is the worst. Makes me want to stay away from people even more.

Now it's closing in on time for me to travel to Taos and then San Antonio. Family duty calls. I'll have to deal with pre-and post-Christmas crowds, which really makes me nervous. I may wear a mask and bring a book to read...if I can find something I want to deal with.

That's the trick...

Is this me?

I've been having severe emotional turmoil the last couple months and can't seem to get a handle on it. I know a lot has to do with the current political state of America...and some other countries...hell, the whole fucking world. Marching headlong into catastrophe.

Then there's the ongoing terrorism in Ukraine being committed by Russia. And the building climate crisis so deliberately being ignored by too many fucking idiots on the right. And new issues with Dair's Window. 

Even the murders of Rob and Michelle Reiner by their son factors in, because it reminds me of something similar that happened in my own family. When a cousin who was strung out killed an uncle and himself after years of going in and out of rehab.

Seemed no matter what I did, I could not find my center. Hong Kong didn't help me grow calm or regain any sense of myself. It was just another kind of chaos I was swimming in, with a bit more focus on what needed doing.

Now I think I may have caught a glimpse as to why I'm so fucked up. I thought I fit into the empathic-intuitive mold for emotional and psychological makeup. Not 100%...maybe 70-75%?

But then I ran across this...Highly Sensitive Person (HSP):

They have a deeply responsive nervous system, feeling emotions and sensory input (like noise, light, smells) more intensely, often leading to overstimulation but also deep empathy and appreciation for beauty. Coined by psychologist Elaine Aron, it's a personality trait (Sensory Processing Sensitivity) affecting 15-20% of people, characterized by being easily overwhelmed, needing downtime, noticing subtle details, and being deeply moved by art or nature, but also prone to anxiety and stress if not managed. 

Common Traits & Signs of an HSP Deep Processing: 

• Thinking things through thoroughly, noticing details others miss. (+/-)
• Overstimulation: Feeling overwhelmed in crowded places, bright lights, or loud noises. (!!)
• High Empathy: Picking up on others' moods and subtle social cues, feeling their emotions deeply. (!)
• Emotional Reactivity: Experiencing both intense positive and negative emotions. (!!)
• Sensory Sensitivity: Sensitive to caffeine, medications, textures, and strong smells. (not really)
• Need for Downtime: Requiring solitude to recharge after social or stimulating experiences. (!!!)
• Appreciation: Deeply moved by art, music, and nature. (!!!!!!!!!!)

So that is 90-95% me. I still need to look into this more to see if I do work within those parameters, because it can become almost neurodivergent. But the overwhelmingly chaotic way the world is affecting me makes me think I'm on the right track to understanding me and figuring out how best to handle it.

And handle Adam's bullying. He wants his own book, now, apart from Dair's. And I can see why...but Dair is who matters more...I think...I...well...

Shit, I should just shut up.

This is devastation...

1947 to 1925

Stand by Me, The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally,

A Few Good Men, Misery, This is Spinal Tap

It hurts that he is gone

It destroys me, how he was taken away

It infuriates me at what that monster in the White House posted about this

Rest in Peace

Uh...

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, right now...because everything I thought was going to happen next week, is changed. And sorting it out has turned my brain to mush and my irritation up to max.

Doesn't help I still don't feel good. Not as bad as it was, but still not top of the hill. Fucking nose. 

Nor is having Dair's Window remaining chaotic around me assisting in stabilizing my instability. I even ate a fucking salad, and all that did was make my tummy join the madness in me.

I feel like something is about to break free and illuminate what next is to be done...or not. I dunno.

I think I need to get drunk.

My life is like a Michaels' Art Supply...

I needed a gift box and ink pad to complete a couple of Christmas gifts. Plan was to wrap them in tissue with ribbon, hit the PO out by the airport and ship them out, today. So I hopped by Michael's Arts and Crafts or Supplies or whatever, with a set goal in mind.

I knew Michael's well enough not to think I could find these things on my own. I asked people who worked there...and got sent to the wrong place three times.

"Aisle 87 for gift boxes." But from where I'm standing, there is no Aisle 87 visible. Just Aisles 86 and 88, visible just beyond piles of center aisle islands of Christmas decorations and frames on sale, 2 for 1.

And I did buy 2 frames...and only had to pay for one. I felt the need.

Ink pad? Also on Aisle 87. Which it was. I just didn't notice them when I was looking for the gift boxes. Which weren't there. But tissue was.

I found gift ribbon by accident and got the last two red wired ones...and continued to get caught up in all the tiny items available that I would never have need for but were fascinating.

Buttons. Appliques. Brushes. Styrofoam shapes. Art pads. Plastic Christmas trees for your desk or table. Five areas of paint and pencils. The options were endless.

And my focus minimal. There was too much stuff in a sort of semi-controlled chaos. Like the thoughts in my head, sometimes. 

I used to paint and sketch and loved it, but I haven't done any art in over a year. There's been too much else going on that wasn't really important yet was and I had no focus. Now I just have questions.

Why don't I paint, anymore? What would I paint? Can I still paint? Or sketch? Or become involved enough with my work to make it meaningful? Who am I? Do I even exist outside of a place like Michael's?

I started getting dizzy and felt the need to pee, so bought what I'd found and came home instead of going to the PO. I needed to touch base with myself, again. I'll do the PO on Monday. My usual manner of dealing with confusion...put it off...

In the meantime, how do I declutter my life so it's no longer like a Michael's?

Darkness Falls...

When I get sick, my head focuses on making me better while my heart surrenders all control to whatever cold, black fantasies appear from my soul. They reach out with silent beauty and promise to envelop me with the tenderst of sighs.

I tried to make myself focus Dair's Window, was swallowed up in Adam's pornographic past and how it escalated into bondage and faux rape. I tried to shift focus to cleaning up my apartment, Ibut stood still in the middle of the room wondering what to do first, and how to do it...and half an hour later, I was still wondering. 

I went online and saw the filth being pushed around in social media, excusing all of the MAGAt Cult's evil and cruelty while claiming to be the best of the best, and the blacks intensified around me. Blood pressure went up and hopelessness nudged at my being.

But.,...and this is a big but...I finally could not help but accept that Adam has taken over the story. It's called Dair's Window, not Adam's. And even if it is him telling the story...it's Dair's life as the basis. What happened to Adam prior to meeting Dair is not the focus...while it was becoming so. No wonder I was having issues.

Adam uses people, not because he wants to but because it's the only way he knows how to survive. For him to be able to do that, he needs to present an enticing appearance. Beautiful man. Someone you want to know. Have sex with. It's only as you get to know him that you come to see how calculating he is...

Until...thanks to Dair's love and understanding he breaks out of his artificial control and becomes human. Becomes happy. In my head...the dance would be like two shadows circling each other, melding as they grow more and more as one.

Meaning a page one rewrite...

Recuperation in slo-mo...

Getting back on schedule after a trip like this is never easy. I just plain felt like doing nothing, all day, and think I wound up with a slight sinus infection or chest cold or something thing, thanks to the plane's recirculating air. So took a long nap...which left my brain scattered and entangled in itself.

I did get laundry done, yesterday, but only because I was out of underwear. Four loads. For a 10-day trip. Brother.

Today I had to go out to meet people for lunch and get groceries. I was going to do some other errands but instead came home, all cranky and everything.

Dair's Window is giving me problems. Nothing unusual about that when I'm writing. I want to do one thing with it, the characters want something different, and the story is also just plain unwilling to deal with any of us. The only thing nice about this is how Dair just sits back and says, Whatever.

I think I know what the book will be about...unconditional love...but then think it's about redemption and also wonder if it's just about how fleeting happiness can be so cherish it. All of which sound slightly ridiculous for me to deal with.

Mingled in are the difficulties of being gay in a world that thinks you're sick or perverted and has no problem attacking you for who you are. That's really all-encompassing...and maybe I'm being too ambitious with it. I don't know.

What a pain in the ass I can be with me...

Back from Hong Kong...

This trip was one of those trips where I couldn’t figure out what the hell I was doing, half the time. Getting there went okay. Smooth entry and grabbed a taxi from the Airport Express terminal in downtown, since I arrived so late. 

But then no matter what plan of action I decided to take, where I chose to go, when I wanted to go there, how, anything...it went wrong, in some way...and grew very frustrating.

To be fair, the one thing that did go without a problem was the delivery and pickup at the book fair. And I got to see people I hadn’t seen in years. Indulge in a bit of gossip. 

Met an Oliver who seems really sweet and is not bad looking...and got him confused with an Oliver I know who is not at all like him. And talking with with some of the dealers was an adventure in catching up on the direction of the book fairs' futures. It's over. It's changing. No one new is coming in...well, except for a few young people. It's too expensive. It's too hard. Don't like the venues used...except Hong Kong. All of which I've heard before.

But everything else? Took a tram to Happy Valley Racecourse and got off one stop too early so walked all the way around the building...to find it’s closed. The museum wasn’t even open.

The Peak is shabby and charges double to just go up to the roof for the view. On a hazy day. And getting to the tram up to it is ridiculously difficult. Despite my research, I wound up needing help from a laborer to figure out the right bus to catch. Then he told me how to tell the driver when to let me off.

Turned out, I was two stops from where I needed to get off, and I'd been planning to go in the opposite direction

Coming down from the Peak I hopped off to grab the 6 bus to Stanley, which I’ve done several times during previous visits...but I wound up at Stanley Prison, not Stanley Plaza or Market. And the only way I could figure out how to get out of it (since Google Maps was just confusing) was to take the bus back to Central.

Next day, I got the same number bus and got right to the market...which is half of what it used to be but still workable. However, the remaining pubs just felt skanky so didn't get my fish and chips.

Going to Kowloon on the ferry was okay, but the Jade Market was depressing. I remember it being more open and spacious. Of course, that was over 10 years ago. 

I used the same hotel I'd stayed at, previously, because they had a shuttle service to the airport train...but don’t now. “Take a taxi or walk.” Said with a straight face. Hard mattress. Small shower stall. No bottled water in the room. At least a 7/11 was nearby so got some there...and Watson Water does not disappoint.

Everywhere I went, either an escalator or elevator was not working and stairs were the only option. And each time I took a taxi from Central Ferry to the hotel, it was a different price. Got some nasty leg cramps from walking and climbing so much. Feet hurt. 

Was sold a full-fare Octopus card when they offer one for seniors, giving them a 50% discount on transportation. So I got one. But to top it up, you need to provide cash in HK dollars, nothing else.

Had a cable car actually refuse to let me board. Ngong Ping was depressing. And when I was leaving to come home, I wound up walking to the Sheung Wan station...and almost got turned around, there, thanks to poor signage. 

Not all that impressed with Korean Airlines, either. The seats were barely cushioned and I got leg cramps, going and returning. The food is edible, at best, and some was just too Korean for me. Some of it I simply could not eat, like boiled beef and fish. As for the entertainment they offer...nothing on it appealed to me. I even went through a weird time slip en route home where it went amazingly slowly...like how it seemed two hours has passed when only one had.

I did do some work on DW...but got lost. I feel like I’ll be better off doing a page one rewrite to suit Adam. So I did no further work on it while in HKG or returning home. My mind was not at its best. All out of sorts.

If I do Hong Kong next year, I’m going Cathay and staying at a different hotel. I don’t like changing planes in Seoul; Incheon is a cold airport in so many ways.

Granted, it’s been 7-8 years since I’ve done this trip, and I am getting old...but I don’t recall having this massive sense of ennui that took hold of me. Maybe it’s affected by the bullshit with Felon47 and his scum.

Can’t escape that, can you?