Demands by the audience or the story?

I'm gearing towards a kinder, gentler ending to Taking Nicky, it seems...but the readers I'm hearing from seem to be expecting something truly vicious and cruel. And to be honest, that is what I was suggesting throughout the story, so far. 

So...do I follow the story's demands? Give the characters buttercups and Sunday brunch? Or do I impose explosions and fireworks? I'm torn between the two.

The former would be a surprise. A twist in the story's structure, but workable. In fact, it would give me the opportunity to show two men making pure, sensuous love with no limits. Which is appealing. I could write it to be as erotic as I wanted maybe even over a couple of chapters...

The latter would be a bit on the predictable side. Bam! Crush, kill, destroy. Which I have done in other work. Hell, the ending to Dirc and the Dyarvos Cafe has both, but that book was SF/Fantasy/Horror...

Thing is, when I tried to do a happy ending in Underground Guy and The Beast in the Nothing Room, response was they weren't as strong as could have been. Same for Porno Manifesto. So maybe happy endings aren't my forté.

The ending to A Place of Safety's 3 volumes wound up a lot quieter than I expected, and far gentler, but I would hardly call it a happy ending. Just the right one. And Bobby Carapisi needed a gentle ending of hope, so that fit.

I dunno. I may try it both ways and see with feels best.

I always know what I'm doing...

...Except when I don't. Which is most of the time. I know that sounds backwards or inconsistent, but I can't help it. Somewhere deep within me, the stories work themselves out and my obligation is merely to transcribe them from my subconscious.

Or unconscious. Whichever. I think the two are far more aligned than psychologists like to believe. If not in everyone, at least in me.

Psycho Kyle. Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Fortunately, I'd been learning French long before that song came out, so I can't claim any influence from it on me. And I've lost a lot of my knowledge of the language. I can still decipher reading it, to an extent, but I was never going to be bilingual. I can barely handle English.

Anyway, Rett just revealed another side to himself, in Taking Nicky. He did some revenge rapes of cheating husbands for friends of a friend of his. All out of nowhere. Starting with a guy named Ryan Orriagio. It was a rough one...and I just posted it to GayDemon.

It started due to a misunderstanding of a quote in Marilyn Frye's The Politics of Reality: Essays in Feminist Theory "Heterosexual male culture is homoerotic; it is man-loving..." Which means men seek validation from men and sex from women.

But...that gets extrapolated into men really wanting sex with men and all men being available for it. And Rett basically proves it by making Ryan get off on effectively being raped. And records it.

He's a sick little fuck...which means, so am I. But such is life...and it's time I accepted that aspect of myself, in full.

So, again...Psycho Kyle, qu'est-ce que c'est? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...

Way out?

I've had an idea for TN that might actually not include violence or the usual illegal activities. I don't want to talk about it, really...not yet. It's still forming in my head and seems almost a bit too easy around my predicament with this story. But I like the feel of it.

My one real fear is I'm backing away from the violent sexual encounter that's been promised in this story. Or led to. Or something. So I'm not sure about it.

But...and this is a major one...I like the images coming to me. How I can see it playing out. Almost gentle. Nearly kind. Maybe sad...

Would that be wrong to do? Take the expectations of viciously taking Nicky and turn it around to something quiet and calm and tender?

Or is this really, seriously just a case of me copping out? As I've done, before...

Shit, I don't know...

Will this never end?

Swear to God, the second I think I know what Taking Nicky is up to, it takes a turn and doubles back...and I'm lost in the chatter between all the characters. It's so fucking irritating. It's not like I'm writing a great novel here. It's a step up from porn, for crying out loud.

Nicky has had this insane idea that he's really setting himself up to die. He's been diagnosed with cancer or something deadly and saw how it ravaged his father, and doesn't want to go through that. With no insurance, he's screwed. Hell, even with a lot of money, he might not have enough.

Apparently, when Eric Dane was diagnosed with ALS he had insurance. But even with fine coverage he and his ex-wife, Rebecca Gayheart, had to fight with the company to get coverage for 24/7 home care. Johnny Depp wound up letting him stay at his LA home rent free to lessen his financial burden.

I'm leery of going this direction. I feel like it's ghoulish to build it into a story like this. Same for the growing awareness of young male models being sex-trafficked by agencies and the CEOs of major brands and how devastating that can be. Some of those kids, male and female, have killed themselves.

But another part of me says it's the reality of the world. The rich fuck everybody over, not just for sex. For money. For power. For the fun of it. I've begun to believe half the reason Felon47 causes so much chaos is just for the hell of it. So I've stopped hating him. He's a sick, perverted piece of shit.

Those I hate now are the people who help him do it...so could adding this into the story help channel some of that hate?

I dunno...maybe...

Barrier broken...

I know how Rett is going to try and get Nicky...at a party he throws. He'll invite the guy and find a way to keep him from leaving when it's over.

Maybe.

Because he's also inviting Vance, Ben and Liam, who are tacitly opposed to his dangerous focus on Nicky, so they might prevent it. Or...join with Nicky and take Rett, instead.

I've flirted many times with the whole thing being a setup for Vance to get Rett. He was turned down by my MC the one time he made a pass at him, and Vance has a long memory and lots of contacts. And always has to be the one in control.

The one thing I have to keep in mind is the long buildup I've got aiming towards Rett taking Nicky. 12 chapters, so far, all free to read on GayDemon. So I don't know how it will turn out, yet.

But Rett's already revealed he's very knowledgable when it comes to gay serial killers like Dean Corll, John Wayne Gacy, William Bonin and Randy Kraft. And he has a glitch in his psyche that makes him willing to do anything to protect himself or get what he wants...maybe even murder...

It's possible I've made him too close to crazy. Maybe I'll go for a double whammy and have Vance being the go-between to get both Rett and Nicky for a billionaire buyer in some unnamed country. You have to be a bit on the sociopathic side to be one of them...and even if only 5% of the world's billionaires fit that mold and 10% of those are nuts enough to want to own humans for sexual sport.

I mean, the owner of a certain electronic defense contractor comes to mind...

Hmmm...that might be an interesting end...if I can figure out how to do it with Rett, since he's telling the story in first person.

Hardest of all...

Stole this from Tumbler's winterandwords.tumblr.com:

I'm not sure I can express this sentiment strongly enough, but I'm going to try via the medium of large bolded text. 

Write what the fuck you want. 

Write what makes you happy. Write what makes your soul sing. Write what fucks you up and makes you cry. Write what comforts you. Write what distracts you. Write what you want to read. Write what you want to watch. 

 Write what you want to dream about tonight. 

Write what you can't get enough of. Write what you're completely obsessed with. Write what wakes you up at 4am and drags you out of bed because you can't stop thinking about what your characters are going to do next. Write what turns you on, if that's your vibe. 

Write characters you're in love with and characters who inspire you and characters you want to be friends with and characters you fucking hate but oh my god they're so much fun. 

Write about things you would sell your soul to do in real life and things you would never do in real life. Write about things that are happening right now and things that happened a thousand years ago and things that might happen in the future and things you wish could happen. 

Write to get a publishing deal or to sell your books yourself or not to sell your books at all. Write for your friends or for strangers or for the people who reblog your posts on Tumblr and send you songs that remind them of your characters. 

Write for yourself. 

Fuck any system that tells you there's only one right way to create or one valid way to share your writing. Your story, the way you tell it, has so much value. Make people smile or piss people off or do both of those things because art is divisive and fascinating and beautiful. 

Start writing.

Keep writing.

And write what the fuck you want.

To add my part...that last sentence is the hardest to do, of all...because it's the most dangerous...

Bonfire...

God, it's all going up in flames. I really do not want to finish writing Taking Nicky. It's a fight to keep myself working on it. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I started it as a distraction from what was going on with my brother, and now that he's gone, it reminds me too much of that horrible few weeks.

I just know I've said I'd finish it and I really try to keep my promises, even to my characters...but this bitch ain't happening. 

I mean, it's working that way in the story, too. Rett's at a point where he's slapped with some truth when Vance asks him the following question:

“Okay...and what did you plan to do with him once you were done with him?” 

That question hit hard. Having it so bluntly asked shut my brain down, for a moment. I’d planned to keep Nicky blindfolded, sure, so he wouldn't see me. And didn't know me. And I figured I was well-versed enough in handling...oh...men who were uncertain about their own possibilities to get him off and fuck him. 

But Vance had very casually alluded to the reality that there would still be a huge risk involved. That Nicky might still recognize me, thanks to all the times I’ve taken photos of him. And even video of him getting hard and cumming would be only slight protection from accusations of kidnapping and rape. 

Just because Ben and Liam had gone to Vance instead of the cops didn’t mean Nicky would follow suit. Nor did I have the impression he held the same casual attitude towards sex with men that Smoke did. 

So what the fuck was I thinking of doing? Keeping him? Killing him? Dumping his body along a freeway like William Bonin and Randy Kraft had done? No, do that to someone as beautiful as him? That's not my way.

At least, I don't think it is. But something I had learned from my research on various screenplays was the fact that at the right place and the right time, anyone is capable of anything. 

Even murder.

Did I really want to put myself in that position? Just for a fuck?

Was I that controlled by the beast within?

Updating

Today I spent updating the information I want on my adult books webpage. I've withdrawn the paperback edition of How to Rape a Straight Guy from distribution and am just going with the Curt version. Ingram did another little trick in refusing to let me update anything on it.

You see, I was checking to make certain my books are properly priced. Working through Ingram, I have to maintain a certain value in the face of rising printing costs, so I can get something of a royalty, and a couple of my books were down to pennies above the cut-off.

I also need to work up new versions of the dust jackets on the hardcover editions of The Vanishing of Owen Taylor and The Alice '65. I used to put the price on the book jackets, so what I'm charging for those is underwater. If I sell one, I have to pay for Ingram to supply it instead of making any money.

So I've gone digging for the original Photoshop files of those two...which means going through dozens of thumb drives seeking them out. Talk about tedious.

I've finally come to an understanding as to where Taking Nicky is going. Rett is going to take him, with the covert assistance of Vance. And I'll let Rett go as far as he wants. I don't think he'll do real physical damage to Nicky or kill him; he just wants to have sex...but I won't know till the end.

Still not sure what that will be, but I have to let the characters do what they want. If I try to stop them, they get pissy.

I've been sleeping till near noon, lately. Not sure why. I normally get up between 9 and 10 am, even when I stay up till 2 am.

Slowly...slowly...the world regains me...

 Just not doing...and finding lovely messages like this...are inspiring a form of peace and beauty within.

I can only dream of writing something so lovely and pure...so poetic without the artifice of poetry...

Not up to it...

Just want to vege...and watch videos like this...

Smooth voice (reminding me of Sade), lovely moves, elegant clothing designs, and feeding my need for a gentle world in the face of all the evil and hate. She has a series of them, and they help lead me to a place of zen...

Because the world is truly fuckkked up, and I'm dumbshit enough to think what I'm writing is as wicked as that. At my darkest, I'm vanilla ice cream in an existence of boiling blood-based gravy marinating human flesh...