Psycho-me...

I read back over some of the posts I've made on this blog regarding The People v Simon Harper and I am all over the place with it. Totally out of control. Which only means I have no idea what the intent of the story is...or about...and the characters aren't working together, yet. Even the outline I did, initially, is scattered everywhere.

It really startled me, because I thought I was honing in on PvSH's through line...but that is nowhere near the case. After a dozen comments regarding Simon and his actions, I was completely confused about what was going on, and why. So I did what any normal red-blooded American gay male would do in a situation like this.

I made hot tea and ate two small Marie Callendar's chocolate pies. 88 calories. Totally killed my diet...hell, the structure of my existence...but it comforted me enough to kick back and reconsider why this story is coming to me, right now. Why it won't let go, even as it refuses to give me a reason to hold on. I think I need to know that, first.

All I have right now is questions.

Is Simon filled with a rage he's fighting to keep control of? Is he depressed about how fucked up everything is? Is he hurt about being arrested for the first time in his life? He's 69 years old and lived in a state that would put him in jail for loving a man, especially in the 70s, yet he never once had to face that. And now he does, over nothing.

Is he resigned to the hatefulness of the world against people like him? Where even people who claim to be allies will support those who want to hurt him? Something he honestly can do nothing about...except not let them get close to him.

This also leads into does he really hate Alain so much he wants to see the man die? Why would he feel that way if I take out the sexual abuse? Is emotional abuse enough to trigger it? Or is it just him being too weak to reject Alain and thinking the man's death is the only way to truly end his relationship with him? That sounds pathetic.

For a moment, I thought I'd reverse the situation at the end and have Simon kill Paley...but I hate the thought of writing a killer queer. And don't point out that Dirc set men up to be killed, in DDB; he had justifications and enough cover to avoid feeling responsible in any way. If Simon killed Paley, it would be at close range and without excuses...and would strengthen the impression in people's minds that queers are dangerous.

I won't be part of that...even though I have been. I just...I won't with Simon's story.