Wednesday work and feedback on KM...

This was my commute, this morning, to a job I had a lot of fun doing. Can't say who for, yet, but it was amazing -- and wait till I show you where I had lunch.

I got some surprisingly nice feedback on Killing Moon from 13 Horror. Criticisms were spot on and they found yet another typo. ARRRRRGGH! But...maybe being pissy little Charlie Bacquer is worth it.

Here's what they said:

Very nice set up for the intro, with some stand out dialog:

KELLY
Jeez, how’d you come up with that shit you said?
JERRY
Tried to sound like Gandalf.

You’ve crafted this well. From the glimpse of the sneaker to the nice use of flashback early on.
You build a nice, tense piece. You make no secret of the general direction of where you’re taking things with the “demon’s” demands, but the ride is entertaining all the same. The nice dialog between the Troy, Mike, Lissa and Joe makes them likeable, and this generates a degree of concern for them as we’re already aware of what’s likely to be in store for them... Also, your additional characters each have very unique voices. Harlan, for example. This’ Harlan. Over. Plus the exchanges between Charley and Chuck. It’s a very aural experience even reading them, and really brings them to life.
 
Nice reference to Stepford. I made a similar comment a few days ago and the person I was speaking to just stared at me blankly!!!
 
The irony of Lord, how’d we wind up with kids so out of control? was very amusing.
 
Pg 38: Oh, did I say coming to A fag?
Should be lower case ‘a’.
 
HARLAN
Pete, don't be crazy. We know these people! They won't -- !
PETE (O.S.)
Aw, sweet Jesus, here they come!

That little exchange sums up that aspect of the horror quite nicely. It’s not marauding zombies or invading aliens – it’s the guy you buy your milk from or have a beer with or the lady
who cuts your hair, enacting a scene usually confined to black and white photos from days gone by. It’s a nice commentary on the press being complicit too, and Harlan was right to run the fuckers out of town.

Got a bit Quantum Leap-like at the end but not in a bad way. Your pacing was spot on and the mix of dialog and action was very well balanced for the most part, although it did get a bit novel/short story right at the end (page 88 onwards). My ooooooooooooooonly real criticism (and I’m probably being
super picky) is that Avery went on a bit – he must have quoted the Book of Isiah about five times by the time he got his come-uppance, which made him a bit too archetypal and perhaps not as scary as he could have been. But like I said, perhaps I’m being picky and these things are, of course, subjective.

I really enjoyed this – great job, and thanks for submitting it.