Kurosawa nails it...

This is mainly advice on writing screenplays, but it's good for any kind of writing. I know. I've taken it to heart and once a story's dug itself into me, I keep at it, no matter how long it takes. It's only the ones I get no connection to that I leave behind...and the way I can tell I didn't connect with them is they just don't work. Something's off between me and the characters, and I can't force it to happen.

So after working on A65's panels, today (I got 1.75 colored in), I started watching Sense8. I got through 3 episodes...and now I want to read that script, because it is all over the place and yet under complete control...and I'd love to do something like that in my work.

The only one of Faulkner's books I really liked was The Sound and the Fury, especially the Benjy section, because it was everywhere and yet inside the mind of a mentally disabled man. I've been too unsure of myself to try it to any real extent in my work, and the few times I did something like that in a script I got ripped for it.

I'm still learning to let go of the fear of criticism...and acceptance...

No more whining...

This is what I did, today, and damn near screwed it up, I was so focused on not doing so. Paranoia and fear will mess with you, like that...but so will being overly precise. I was shadowing in Adam's chin...and shadowing and riffing and using brown then terra cotta then peach then flesh then brown, all nice and light...and it got to be too dark; looked like a beard that was half shaved off, so I erased it and all that did was smudge everything and freak me out.
 So I took a walk and came back and erased some more and recolored it and it turned out all right. It's still on the light side, image-wise, but it's workable.

I'm not spraying fixative on any of the images till I'm done with them all, because I'm finding little changes to make in each frame that helps tell the moment better as I go along...like adding a book to every one of them, somewhere. But it means I have to be careful with them so I don't smudge the graphite pencil I'm using to outline and shadow with. And that stuff does love to smudge.

Adam also needs to stand out a bit more. Or maybe not. I'll decide later. I do know I need to do something to separate his satchel from his mackintosh; darker brown don't make much difference against brown. And the old lady's too washed out. She looks more like a Victorian ghost than Adam's boss, Vincent, does.

Here's something weird -- as I'm writing this, I'm finding grammar-check is handing out wrong information.  When I wrote the old lady's too washed out it told me too should be to, and that's completely incorrect. It also gets it's and its confused all the time. If I wasn't sure about my use of conjugations and basic English grammar, I'd be making changes that made no sense.

So...my thought is -- AI is fucking with us...

Creation is hard...

Like anyone ever thought it was easy. I can't think of a single artist who's worth a damn who believed creating their work was simple or straightforward. It's a fucking pain in the ass. Scary. Demanding. Capricious. You name it...if you want to do something worthwhile. And even if you don't.

I don't necessarily mean that everything created is worth the turmoil it causes. There's some shit out there that people worked their asses off to make that is garbage. I know I've slaved to make a couple scripts great that never got beyond the basic OK stage...if that good. And some of my artwork is ludicrously amateurish.

But then...I've never thought of myself as the next Van Gogh or Picasso. I tried to be like de Kooning...

...but couldn't get into the chaos he seemed to need to paint. Same for Jackson Pollack and, conversely, Mark Rothko.

I couldn't...or wouldn't...dig as deep into myself to bring out art, like they did. I don't think I had nearly as much talent. I do okay in a cartoonish way, but that's not the same thing.

I like Tom of Finland's drawings...especially his faces...but he's still more of a caricaturist than a fine artist, even though his work now hangs in museums. Of course, half the reason for that is his sociological meaning to the gay community...

...And I'm just rambling because I'm not happy with the feel of what I'm doing for A65's slide show. I'm not catching the feel of the book, as if I was trying to make every frame deep and meaningful and worthy of hanging on a wall.

Which I am. Which is why I'm unhappy. And why I'm whining about creating being a pain...

Creation is fucking hard...

Kicking self in ass can be good, when it works...

I managed to make myself go through the sketches I've done up and fill in one shade of brown...which used up damn near all the pencil, thanks to the room Adam works in. And his hair, since the first layer is brown. Now it will be built upon. It wasn't easy getting going, but I managed to get myself out of my rut and just do it.

Maybe I should be the next Nike ad.

It helped that instead of getting lost in Twitter and FaceBook I slammed on Metropolis and Brave New Rave on KCRW, two programs that have interesting music that isn't typical, like rap and hip-hop and today's overwrought folk songs can be. Their Morning Becomes Eclectic program can get songs on like that, banal, insipid, overwrought emotion. I prefer instrumental over lyrics because I'm finding too damn many songwriters are lazy with that part of the writing.

Their songs have lovely melodies but then it seems like they spent 10 minutes writing the words to go with them, and figured they were talented enough to slam any phrase into any beat. Not everyone can phrase well enough to overcome a lyric that doesn't match the melody. I started noticing this when I listened to Florence and the Machine's Dog Days Are Over. Parts of that song are so fucking amazing while other parts are inept, at best.

I love the opening line -- Happiness hit her like a train on a track. But then the following line loses the rhythm because the words used are awkward...and it's back and forth like that through the rest of the song, with the phrasing inconsistent -- sometimes brilliant, sometimes amateurish. Same for other songs by that group. And other performers, too...like Muse, who can be just as sloppy, and even Red Hot Chili Peppers, who can be very insipid.

I got to wondering if it was deliberate, but I can't see anything that adds to the music canon by doing that. I don't need perfect rhymes or consistent intent with the lyrics, but I do think when you come up with a lovely melody you should honor it, not try to subvert it.

It's the same way I deal with my writing...once a story and characters as established, if I don't work with them or try to change them just to make someone else happy, it all falls apart. Messes everything up. I learned that the hard way by killing a couple of scripts I was working on...and by being stupid, once, and allowing others tell me what to put in my script...which only wound up making it bland and very Syd Field.

Maybe that's why I don't like much of today's music.

I'm back to whining...

I've been in a nasty funk for the last few days. Headaches and eye strain and apathy and too goddamn much laziness mixed in to get anything more than the minimum done, each night after work. I don't know where it came from...but here it is. And I'm having a bitch of a time getting past it.

I was able to make myself color in some greens and browns on the frames for A65, and I did some pushing of my books on a couple of sites. I also sent a copy of A65 to Powell's Books, in Portland OR, to see if they'd stock it on their shelves. But nothing more. I sit at my laptop and grow despondent over the shit-show in Washington, thanks not only to the rabid GOP but Democrats who put politics over country.

William Barr's testimony before the Senate, today, is my breaking point. If he is not removed from being AG and that POS in the White House impeached, we are dead as a country...and I hold Pelosi and Schumer just as responsible as the criminals in the Republican Party for this, along with the media for not calling him out before it was too late.

But it's not just them. When an obviously evil man like Czar Snowflake has a 43% approval rating, at this late date, it means too goddamn many people in the US are just as fucked up and corrupt as him. No country can survive that. No democracy can. I think I'm seeing the end of America in my lifetime.

Maybe that's where my apathy comes from -- the understanding that a proven criminal who's looting the treasury for himself and his friends as he destroys everything great about us is still seen as doing something good. He's never done a goddamn thing for anybody but himself in his entire life, but they worship him. He's spawn of the devil but they treat him like God.

So maybe I do know where my funk came from. Maybe this is why I'm thinking, "Why bother?" It's the end of civilization and I'm spinning my wheels thinking my writing will be worth anything in the new Dark Age.

But then again...I have been able to wander past the bleakness and make a couple decisions. I'm taking August off from work and spending the month slamming through APoS. I was going to travel, but it's silly for me to do that when I still have so much to get done and am finally seeing a solid dent in my debt. Besides, I need some dental work done and to have a cyst that's giving me a little horn removed from the top of my head.

Hmm...or maybe I should keep it and pretend I'm a unicorn...

First stage of coloring in A65's frames...

I've decided to focus on one specific aspect of the artwork all the way through and color that in. Like Adam's suits and the copy of Ariosto's Orlando furioso. Here's what I've got laid out --

22 frames, all the way through. I added the next to the last one, today. This is just the first layering; I'll be doing more as it progresses so the suit's coloring is more consistent, and I'll be paying closer attention to Adam's face throughout...

But it's coming together...

I got my book signed...

I slammed into LA, did the packing job...which turned out to be harder than I'd expected...and came home, all on schedule...and I haven't been able to focus, since. My mind's been on vacation the last few days, and I'm pretty pissed it didn't bother to let me know till it was gone.

I also read a friend's screenplay, on this trip, and proofed it so he can send it to the Nicholl (I never mentioned I had also entered), which also took longer than I expected. Seems like that's how it's been for the last few weeks -- everything takes longer.

BUT...I had a first edition of City of Night and John Rechy signed it for me. He was part of the gay scene in the 50s in NYC, LA, Chicago and New Orleans...an actual hustler and his book was about that life. Some of the people he met along the way...two really stand out. One, a guy named Pete who was gay for pay but really wanted a connection...only he can't handle it when he finally makes the attempt with John. Second, an unnamed man in Santa Monica on vacation from his family, who wavers on the brink of allowing himself to be gay only to pull back for the sake of his family.

John's a lovely man who's managed to live 88 years and is working on a new book. What made it even better is, he shared a story with me about the copy I have -- it's very rare. Seems the publisher was printing it with one word wrong in the description on the flyleaf. He stopped the printing and had them change it...but a couple got sent out with the wrong dust jacket and I have one of those.

I can't believe it. It's almost a parroting of what happened with John Tenniel and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. In a vague way. I didn't tell him any of that; I felt like it would be taking away from his moment, because he was so pleased he could tell me about this...tell me I had a true first edition, not the followup. I'm keeping that little beast safe.

Regarding the script -- it's one I worked on years ago for this writer in Chicago, and I don't think I did a very good job on it. He worked it into something interesting, even though the story is still pretty much the same, so all I did was check grammar and consistency...but it still took a lot of work. He has a new version of Final Draft and I can't open that file on my old FD program, so I pdf'd it and went through and then wrote out the changes by page number to send to him.

I do wish him luck on it.

Okay...slowly A65's sketches are happening...

Yesterday and today were all about finalizing what the sketches will look like and maintaining continuity on them. I also didn't like the aspect ratio on the next to last one so had to redo that, and I decided to have a book in somewhere in every frame I'm doing. Some of them will be small or hard to see, but they will be in there.

On top of this, I adjusted the interior of Adam's work area...mainly the architecture of the chapel. I watched an episode of Midsomer Murders, last night, which had a concert in a chapel and it gave me some ideas to liven up the room. Make it more lovely to him. Same for the Dark Room, where he takes a book he's catalogued to be shelved.

Now I'm thinking of the best way to do the coloring in...if I should work on one frame at a time or do it production line-like. Pick a color for Adam's suit and fill those in all the way through, same for his skin tones and the wooden beams of the chapel. I'll decide on that when I get back from LA.

I have another job lined up in Kansas City for the middle of May, so it's not going to go fast. But I want each sketch to be right, so I doubt I'll  have this set to go before Thanksgiving. I am still thinking of traveling during August, but also wondering if my time would be better spent focused on APoS? I'm behind schedule on that, and I'm at a stage in life where it's hard to concentrate on work and art and writing, all at one time. I'll have to do a lot of thinking on this one.

I have too damn much to think about...dammit...

Sketching along...

Today I spent prepping sketches for the A65 video. I have 8 left to do in my sketchbook, then comes coloring in. Even though I had worked out some thumbnail ideas and a set of slightly larger drawings to prepare for this...they changed even more. I found a great castle to use for Merryton College and, after a couple of false starts, got the idea of the interior of the chapel down solid.

I also adjusted the angles I'd initially aimed for into something a bit more dramatic and indicative of movement as opposed to mere illustration. We'll see how they turn out in color. What's nice about working on these is, I don't pay attention to social media...so feel a lot less stressed by this time of night. I hope to start sharing completed images next weekend...but not sure if I'll be ready, yet.

That's because I can't do much till Thursday, next week; I'm off to LA for a quickie job. Fly in Monday, pick up and pack on Tuesday, fly back on Wednesday, all a very last-minute scramble. I'm meeting with Carrie, the person doing the reading for A65, and her husband, Karl, for dinner Tuesday night...and since my flight's at 5:25 pm, I won't have time for anything else. Dammit. Besides, My buddy, Brad the cinematographer, is in Texas shooting a movie.

But I'm excited about this job because it's for an icon in gay literature, and I didn't even realize he was still running around writing. I'll have a copy of his first book with me, just in case I can get it signed. That would so cool. But with my luck, I'll only get to deal with his assistant.

I guess it depends on how much of an obnoxious fanboy I want to be...but doesn't matter. I'm happy to even be part of this. When he was young, he was gorgeous and he helped set up dark gay lit...

I'm also thinking of taking August off and going to Ireland, again. I've been there so many times but never got to visit a couple of sites I'd like to see, dealing with ancient Irish history. They're in the southwest of the island, where I've only done the Ring of Kerry. I'll have to think about it, figure out the cost. I'm getting my credit cards paid down nicely and don't want to run them up, again...but the catastrophe of Notre Dame made me realize if you put something you want to do off for too long, it'll wind up being too late.

Besides, what good are credit and money if you don't use them?

Politics kills creativity...

All this uproar over the Mueller report and Barr's disgusting manipulation of it over the last few days has thrown me off my game. I haven't written anything on APoS. I haven't worked on my sketches for A65. I've been dealing with idiots online who still support that SOB in the White House and accuse everyone else in the world of lying about him and what he's doing. It's enough to make you think mankind ought to be made extinct, if only to give Mother Nature a chance to start over and maybe do it right, this time. Jesus.

So I'd get angry and sad and hurt and disgusted and dangerous...often within the space of 5 minutes. Y'know, I don't believe in God, but Czar Snowflake's presence is damn close to proving to me he does exist, because that excuse for a man is the embodiment of evil; his sociopathic, animalistic behavior heavily laced with sadism and cruelty is Satanic, in everything. And he calls those like him to him -- demons to a demon.

The one funny part is, those creatures who work with him stupidly think he'll be loyal to them, when he's the type who chews you up and spits you out the second he's gotten everything he wants from you. Loyalty is a vile word to him, as he's proven over and over. I will not be shocked when he tosses his own sons under the bus to protect himself.

I'd pray he has an aneurism or cardiac arrest, but for those to be effective he has to have a brain and a heart, and he has neither. He's just a beast. And he fucking infuriates me.

I've never liked him. He's always struck me as a con-man, even when he was touting his book and doing that insipid reality show. I saw him as being two levels below Dillinger; at least that guy was honest about what he was -- a hood who killed people. This bastard in chief isn't even on the same level as the boiling clouds that evoked the Wizard of Oz, in the movie.

So last night I had to step back. I had a pounding headache and I know my blood pressure was way up. Fortunately, I learned about a Channel 4 sitcom called Derry Girls and joined Netflix so I could watch it. The story follows four friends in high school in Derry, circa 1992, just as the Troubles were beginning to wind down from weariness on both sides, and showed how typical and untouched their lives were. I took in all 6 half-hour episodes...and they cleansed my pallet. I'm hoping Season 2 comes along soon.

Today I spent promoting my books on a specialized website and began re-reading John Rechy's City of Night, a classic book about being gay in the early 60s. He's got a great style that doesn't believe in using apostrophes and skirts around the issue of sex very neatly. He's from El Paso but now lives in LA and is 88 years old...

Which gives me hope for me...