Derry, Northern Ireland

Derry, Northern Ireland
A book I'm working on is set in this town.

Monday, August 29, 2011

The Vanishing

Not feeling really bloggy, tonight. I spent the day tossing out more of my past and now have enough scrap paper to fill a 10 ream box. And that's not counting the massive piles of crap I shunted down to the garbage or have stacked up for shredding, later. I had bank records from 1989! Copies of letters sent in 1996! That's ludicrous.

But at the same time, it was my history...and now it's all vanishing. I stopped keeping letters from people and cards years ago so I don't have that to contend with. But seeing how my push for success in the film biz both evolved and didn't over the years is...well...I don't know what it is. I feel a vague sense of disassociation.

I noticed I went from begging people to read my work to one who was sure their production lineup or agency or directing skills are the perfect match with my scripts. No one agreed, really, not even friends. Everybody has his or her own idea what does and doesn't work in a movie, and I was never able to line up with anyone following the same thought processes as me. It still amazes me how much of the success in this business is due to luck and schmoozing the right person at the right time. You still have to be able to back it up when you do hit that person, but that's not the defining factor in your career. Not in film.

Of course, the more confident I became in my writing the less likely I was to be willing to change it; and I flat out stopped changing it just on spec anytime someone asked me to. I did that a couple times and killed the story for myself...and it took years for even one of those stories to come back to life for me; the other is still dead. A couple others had interference before they were even written and now I can't write them. So I started keeping my work to myself till I had to show it. And no one's there to show it to.

I'm repeating my whines. Not a good sign; more like one indicating an approach to senility. I'm crazy enough as it is; I don't need a total brain freeze to take over.

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