Today is casual

I'm meeting with the publisher of my books in a little while so haven't much to write about, yet. I may add to this later. Right now, I'm still mopey.

I did start an "Author's Page" on Amazon.com -- well, got it going, again. I'd set one up back when Amazon was de-listing all books that had a gay slant to them, including mine. They backed off and claimed it was a glitch...but I don't believe it. I think some member of the Talibangelicals that are running rampant through this country got in -- either by hacking or working there -- and deliberately initiated the rejection bug. Because the same thing is happening with Google Blogger.

In the last few months, nearly 250 gay blogs have been kicked off or de-listed, and it's not because they have nudity or sex on them; one blog that just got cut just had photos of good-looking guys in nothing more revealing than a Speedo. A number of the blogs are shifting to Nibblebit.com because it's gay-oriented...but it's wrong that this has to happen. I think we're shifting back into the dark ages, where the majority of the population was illiterate (getting close even now), governments were run by religions (which the GOP would love, right now) and justice was determined by how powerful you were (and gays are deemed inherently powerless and don't seem interested in proving otherwise).

Hmph -- got off on a tangent. Amazing what a little sleep and a look at the day's news does for your attitude.

And self-awareness? I'm now wondering if the problem I'm having with "Marked For Death" stems from the growing understanding that it won't matter if I DO finish the script -- that a) no one will buy it and b) anyone who does want it will insist it be changed in ways I won't like. But if I write it as a book, I can do pretty much what I want.

Which hurts my organic method of building a story. For example, "5 Dates" was inspired by by hearing the theme to Cocteau's "Beauty and the Beast" as I drove to Ann Arbor back in January, but it really clicked when I heard a piece of music on Pandora.com -- "Tectonic Shift" by a group named Delerium. I bought the CD and only really liked one other piece on it (and actively HATED "Self-saboteur"; the rest were okay), but "Tectonic Shift", the love theme from "Beauty and the Beast" and even a glorious bit of music titled "20,000 Miles Over The Sea" by Enigma formed the rhythm and connections of the piece...and now I cannot envision the story without thinking about those melodies in their various parts.

Of course, that may be part of the problem with others reading my work. All they see are words on a page. I see images and edits and music and performances and lighting and composition and emotion and rhythm built into the whole of it. I see the final product, and I really do think that if the reader pays attention, they will catch more than a glimmer of it all. And I don't quite get that same intense connection through writing a book. It's more cerebral and emotional and maybe ultimately more satisfying, but it's not visceral. And my anger at those who want to change my work is a visceral reaction...like they want to change the face of my child.

I've wasted my life waiting for others to help me make my movies. I should have been finding some way to make them myself. Fine time to figure that out.