I need some feedback. I finished listening to a seminar on writing a better book blurb and have tried a couple of possibilities. Any feedback is appreciated.
#1
Jacob Blaine was being torn apart.
On one side -- his lover, Antony, was pushing him away; on the other side -- his uncle Owen had vanished and Jake needed to find out why. It didn't help that his anti-gay mother was now dying from cancer and his step-mother wanted him to leave Antony, too.
Then it turned out other men had vanished in Palm Springs, and a group named PSALMS was spreading hate and distrust of the gay community in hopes of turning back gay rights.
Before he knew it, Jake was caught up in a vicious web of lies, fear, distrust, betrayal, intimidation and manipulation woven by people who would stop at nothing to achieve their goal of ridding the city of its gay population.
Not even if it meant killing Jake.
#2
Murder is murder, no matter how good your reasons.
Jacob Blaine was a graphic artist working for an advertising agency in Denmark, who was stuck in Texas thanks to the legal issues of his lover, Antony St. Lazarre. But then Jake's uncle, Owen Taylor, vanished after mailing two cryptic notes and a key to his old address in Copenhagen. It was like the man wanted his nephew to do something ... even though he didn't bother explaining what.
So Jake set up a quick trip to Palm Springs to find out what was going on, thinking it would only take a few days. To his shock, he learned the District Attorney's office had filed charges against Owen for sex with an underage male, and that his friends blithely assumed he had fled to Mexico to avoid prosecution. But it was obvious the accusations were a lie, and then there were Owen's battles with an anti-gay group named PSALMS, who were out to rid the city of its gay population, and Jake's own confrontations with the Palm Springs police.Things were spiraling out of control.
Soon, Jake found himself trapped in a vicious web of lies, fear, distrust, betrayal, intimidation and manipulation woven by people who would stop at nothing to achieve their goals.
Not even if it meant the death of Jake.
So...is the fuller explanation better than the taut general one? Do either of them make you want to read the book? Does anyone have any idea how to work it better? I'm open to anything, because once' it's published, that's like being carved in stone.
#1
Jacob Blaine was being torn apart.
On one side -- his lover, Antony, was pushing him away; on the other side -- his uncle Owen had vanished and Jake needed to find out why. It didn't help that his anti-gay mother was now dying from cancer and his step-mother wanted him to leave Antony, too.
Then it turned out other men had vanished in Palm Springs, and a group named PSALMS was spreading hate and distrust of the gay community in hopes of turning back gay rights.
Before he knew it, Jake was caught up in a vicious web of lies, fear, distrust, betrayal, intimidation and manipulation woven by people who would stop at nothing to achieve their goal of ridding the city of its gay population.
Not even if it meant killing Jake.
#2
Murder is murder, no matter how good your reasons.
Jacob Blaine was a graphic artist working for an advertising agency in Denmark, who was stuck in Texas thanks to the legal issues of his lover, Antony St. Lazarre. But then Jake's uncle, Owen Taylor, vanished after mailing two cryptic notes and a key to his old address in Copenhagen. It was like the man wanted his nephew to do something ... even though he didn't bother explaining what.
So Jake set up a quick trip to Palm Springs to find out what was going on, thinking it would only take a few days. To his shock, he learned the District Attorney's office had filed charges against Owen for sex with an underage male, and that his friends blithely assumed he had fled to Mexico to avoid prosecution. But it was obvious the accusations were a lie, and then there were Owen's battles with an anti-gay group named PSALMS, who were out to rid the city of its gay population, and Jake's own confrontations with the Palm Springs police.Things were spiraling out of control.
Soon, Jake found himself trapped in a vicious web of lies, fear, distrust, betrayal, intimidation and manipulation woven by people who would stop at nothing to achieve their goals.
Not even if it meant the death of Jake.
So...is the fuller explanation better than the taut general one? Do either of them make you want to read the book? Does anyone have any idea how to work it better? I'm open to anything, because once' it's published, that's like being carved in stone.
3 comments:
I actually prefer the first. The second reveals a lot of plot details and, without the full context, they don't sound particularly interesting. I think the real strength of the story is in its unique characters and their relationships with each other. Alluding to some of the other major players in the the story like Dion and Lemm might make it sound more lively.
You're right -- the second one's too blah and wordy. Thanks!
BTW -- once I'm done I'd like to send you a copy. Want to message your address to me on Facebook? Or are you in hiding? ;)
I'm always in hiding but never from you ;)
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