This is the feedback I got from a "professional editor" today. It was deliberately destructive and hurtful without one positive thing to say, but after initially being crushed by it, I'm now pissed as shit. Because my brain finally caught up to my heart and pointed out the person trying to destroy my work don't know jack about anything, as is shown from the first comment.
The title has an apostrophe in it, not a quotation mark.
The title has an apostrophe in it, not a quotation mark.
The following is a cut and paste, including all of their typos.
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THE ALICE '65
By Kyle Michel Sullivan
TITLE
The first thing that bothers me is the title. Is it supposed to contain a singular quotation mark? Rather than spark your readers' interests about the significance of the title, they are going to assume that the cover page contains a typo. And this is the type of discovery that will likely cause them to wonder about other mistakes in your manuscript.
FORMAT/MECHANICS
Using the same logic, I would suggest you scratch that comma clause “that Monday” in the first sentence. I understand that you incorporate into the text to specify the significance of events happening to Adam “that Monday”. But the commas guarding those two words throw your reader off. Is it necessary for your readers to break from their accelerating rate of reading in order to reflect that the story begins “that Monday”?
Regarding the overall application of commas in your narrative, there are a few inconsistencies that may bother most publishers. Because of the loquacious (and very British) narrative tone, there are many commas inserted into the text. While this does help the reader ease into this narrative style, it can be easy to put commas where they are not even needed. For instance, the narrator refers to an incidental detail regarding Adam's rugby injury: “as he rubbed a scrape on his chin, evidence of a rough rugby match with his mates, on Saturday” (pg. 5). That final comma bothers me because it is signifying incidental information within an incidental cause, which affects the tone and rhythm of narration. Another example of tone that is disrupted because of comma intrusion is Hakim's threatening remark: “The provenance better be right, this time” (pg. 10). Because of that punctuated hesitation, his demeanor instantly becomes less direct and more timid. Other stray observations regarding the overuse of commas:
• “he said, in German” (pg. 10).
• “and now the book had arrived, for consideration” (pg. 11).
• “for her to see what was blantantly obvious, to him” (pg. 12).
• “if a copy of the book had been offered, that year” (pg. 16).
• “to change it would be prohibitive, in cost” (pg. 26).
And so forth. As you can see, this is a frequent and pervalent characteristic of your storytelling that continuously affects the rhythm of your narrative.
Be sure to avoid run-on sentences as well. Not only are they grammatically incorrect, but they also personify your narrator as a rambling storyteller. For example: “Still, if the book he needed was down there he'd have no trouble proving his concerns about the Schedel, now he'd look inside her, so he yanked the lift's door and gate open and -” (pg. 13). In addition to be a grammatical nightmare, run-on sentences clutter the overall text with too many incidental phrases and misdirected thoughts. Be careful about them or else your narrator will start sounding like someone who has a problematic manner of telling stories.
A good editing technique that is particularly hard on novelists is reading the script aloud, ideally with an objective friend who has never read the story. This is a good way to check for overlong sentences and awkward phrasing. It also causes writers to check for misplaced or forgotten words such as “the Marshe-Crotons had done carry-on so (they) lent him . . .” (pg. 33). An example of a sentence that simply reads too long occurs at the end of page 88. It may not technically be a run-on sentence since there is only one subject and verb. But it does read so long that it becomes somewhat exhausting by the time the reader reaches the end of it. Awkward phrasing and faulty syntax are also easier to spot when read aloud: “He looked around to find there did used to be a phone, outside, but now the apparatus to hold it was empty” (pg. 138). It may not seem like bad syntax but consider how much clearer it reads as: “He looked around to find that there once was a phone outside, but now the space was vacant.” Again, it is usually best to avoid repetitive use of commas if it can be avoided.
Ironically, there are several instances when commas should be implemented, but are strangely absent: “Naturally(,) a maniac waiting on the inside lane . . .” (pg. 149).
COMPOSITION
The first reference of David, Adam's “snarly punk” older brother” is a bit messy and fumbled. It makes its way to the narration because of a punk couple sitting next to Adam on the flight to LA, which turns David into a passive and indirect character. If his personality and history are meant to have a lasting impression on your main character, then it feels as if he should have a more dynamic introduction.
Casey's explanation that her motivation for Adam's arrival to Los Angeles is hard to believe from the very start. She explains that he needs an escort for her big Hollywood premiere, even though her previous adaptation made “a billion bucks”. This premise is further complicated that Casey, a purported rising and established star in Hollywood, resorts to her own mother as her sole adviser and business manager. But there are so many improbable ironies that are presented once Casey reveals her true reason for requiring Adam's presence in LA. Why him? Why go all the way to England to provide an escort for a famous Hollywood actress? Why all the secrecy? Why didn't Vincent tell Adam? If this scenario was not the main motivator for Casey, then the readers may be willing to overlook this premise as fairy-tale fiction. But they will probably not be able to relate to the Cinderalla-based format in which a nebbish book collector is randomly selected to attend a Hollywood ball. The fact that Lando and Tito exist in the story as threats to Casey make it seem even more implausible that she doesn't have bodyguards or security detail.
The instant romantic connection between Casey and Adam seemingly becomes more improbable as the story progresses. It's problematic because it's a fish-out-of-water character study where the readers get to know more and more about Adam, but Casey remains a mystery. There is no explanation for her improbable infatuation with Adam partly because she is an established thrill seeker; and he is introduced to the readers as the complete opposite. True, he undergoes an almost instantaneous metamorphosis, accelerated by the drugs, alcohol, and thrill of fame. But, their union is too brief to believe her when she says, “He's unlike anyone I've ever been with.” The longer the readers get to Casey, the less likely it seems that she would choose someone like Adam to fan the flames of jealousy in Lando's direction.
The story tries very hard to get the readers to empathize with Adam, especially when he discovers that Casey still has feelings for Lando. But the drama in this sequence is damaged by the incessant bickering between Adam, Lando, and Veronica. Instead of betrayal, the readers are once again annoyed at Lando's simple-minded candor and mystified by Casey's ambivalence. If we are meant to empathize with Adam, then he should act as we would in such circumstances. Why doesn't he accuse Casey of her manipulation? Why does he even care about Lando's moral insensitivity? Adam's backstory is also in need of considerable development. The narration briefly references his family members from time to time, but you should not expect the readers to absorb any of this information unless it can be significantly developed. They are not going to remember that Nora dismissed him from her life, or that Connor nicknamed him “hobbit”, or the aftermath of his father's death. Those stories are not illustrated as significant plot events because they are only casually mentioned in the narration. In order for the readers to feel the pain and alienation of such incidents, it would help if the readers could experience them firsthand. For example, we all know how bad it hurts when someone else enables our affection and kisses somebody else. Therefore, we can actually empathize with Adam when he witnesses Casey and Lando making out. However, that sentiment is vanquished when he starts criticizing Lando's name and literacy. Who would resort to such trivial matters when there are matters of heartache and betrayal at hand?
DIALOGUE
“The Alice 65” is a dialogue-heavy concept. There is very little physical action moving the plot forward, so the composition relies heavily on character exposition and dialogue. As any fan of Woody Allen can tell you, the characters become much more interesting when they have interesting things to say. And if they don't have interesting things to say, then at least they should have an interesting way to say it. In order to make Casey, Adam, and Lando (as well as any other speaking character) more colorful, then you should resist conversation that features small talk (“So how long you known Case?”). Pleasant conversation in general tends to lead to awfully banal dialogue (“I'm so happy you're happy”) that fails to develop or evolve the speaking character.
Perhaps the most dreaded expression to cross a publisher's eyes is the acronym “OMG”. It's become a staple in English language thanks to its frequent usage in text conversations and social media. But are the readers supposed to imagine the characters actually saying, “O-M-G”? Or is it just meant to be an abbreviaiton for “Oh My God” (which seems the much more likely spoken sentiment)? In either case, “OMG” confuses the hell out of publishers, scriptreaders, and producers alike. I'd recommend picking a different exclamatory remark.
SUMMARY
Regarding the plotline and overall story structure, my best recommendation is to revise your premise so that it is not so hard to imagine or conceive. Since this book is formatted as a romantic comedy, it is very important that the readers believe in these characters and premise. Action-oriented stories exist on the strength of the drama and action residing within the conflict. But character-centered stories require a more intimate relationship between the characters and readers. If the readers doubt Casey's personality or reasons for entrapping Adam as her premiere date, then they will have trouble accepting her dialogue and actions throughout the entire novel. And since she is supposed to be an A-list celebrity, there are several conventions regarding her background that need to be explained. Why doesn't she have a publicist or agent forcing her to date another movie star? She briefly mentions that her date had to be a low-key personality, but that doesn't explain why she picked a nebbish British bookworm like Adam. Why does Orisi, who certainly revels in dressing his celebrities, seem to be okay with this? If he was truly a professional costume designer, he would be aghast at dressing people who cannot afford the cleaning bills. It may seem like a tedious complaint, but it becomes increasingly important as the plot progresses and the characters become more developed. The readers may be getting to know them better, but without a plausible premise, the story immensely suffers.
One idea is to incorporate some information into Casey's backstory so the readers can understand her reasons for choosing Adam, whom she never even met before coming to America. Her backstory could maybe include a horrific accident with the paparazzi. She was mentally scarred by the incident and refuses to let anything happen to anyone who might attract attention. This would explain why she chose an unknown like Adam instead of the next Bradley Cooper to escort her. It would also explain her virtual absence of a publicity staff. If this idea seems too far-fetched, then try to think of something to explain this highly unusual circumstance.
In summary, this is a feel-good, romantic comedy that could feel a lot better if the main charactes were provided with more developed background to make them more believable. This is especially true for Casey, who exists more as a teasing motivator than any sort of romantic interest. The first half of the novel is especially perplexing because the readers simply will not understand her situation: she is at the zenith of her career, yet she resorts to importing an English book collector to make her former lover and co-star jealous. Since she doesn't know much about her version of “Alice”, the readers are not likely to believe that she really wants to get the book back either. Adam, on the other hand, is presented with much clearer motivation. However, it is hard to take his character seriously since he mostly acts as Comedic Relief, which is typical for most fish-out-of-water comedies. As a result, the reader feels sorry for him rather than admire or respect him.
I think a big reason why it is so hard to relate to the principle characters is that their life events and histories are presented to the readers by way of spoken dialogue rather than a character-building plot event. There is an old saying for scriptwriters: it is much more interesting to watch something happen than it is to hear about it. The same is somewhat true for novelists. If Adam spills his lifestory to Casey, who seems to be the only character able to illicit personal information from him, it is unlikely that the readers retain or absorb much of this material because of its indirect exposition.
Thankfully, there is some long-awaited development awaiting in the second half of the novel. After Adam and Casey are able to expose their personal feelings and histories to eachother, their characters become much more realistic and believable. (However, I still have a problem with the fact that Adam plays rugby but has a fear of swimming. But let's consider that a singular complaint.) The final chapter reveals everything that the readers have been waiting for regarding the subject material. Unfortunately, there is a good chance that you will have lost too many readers by then. In terms of narrative composition, I would suggest revising your story structure so that the readers have a better grasp of Adam's relationship with Nora. For instance, you could play with the story structure so that he dreams about Nora and his Da within the first half of the novel. And if I were you, I would consider finding a way to expose more about the Alice in an earlier chapter. The final chapter exists as a “payoff” chapter in that Adam unveils all of these secrets about her history. Unfortunately, the narrative tone of this informative chapter does not really match the absurdist comedy and romantic ideology of the main storyline. As a result, the material exposed in this concluding chapter is fairly random compared to the rest of the book, which is more about Adam's improbable pairing with the famous Casey than it is about the Alice 65.
-------------
THE ALICE '65
By Kyle Michel Sullivan
TITLE
The first thing that bothers me is the title. Is it supposed to contain a singular quotation mark? Rather than spark your readers' interests about the significance of the title, they are going to assume that the cover page contains a typo. And this is the type of discovery that will likely cause them to wonder about other mistakes in your manuscript.
FORMAT/MECHANICS
Using the same logic, I would suggest you scratch that comma clause “that Monday” in the first sentence. I understand that you incorporate into the text to specify the significance of events happening to Adam “that Monday”. But the commas guarding those two words throw your reader off. Is it necessary for your readers to break from their accelerating rate of reading in order to reflect that the story begins “that Monday”?
Regarding the overall application of commas in your narrative, there are a few inconsistencies that may bother most publishers. Because of the loquacious (and very British) narrative tone, there are many commas inserted into the text. While this does help the reader ease into this narrative style, it can be easy to put commas where they are not even needed. For instance, the narrator refers to an incidental detail regarding Adam's rugby injury: “as he rubbed a scrape on his chin, evidence of a rough rugby match with his mates, on Saturday” (pg. 5). That final comma bothers me because it is signifying incidental information within an incidental cause, which affects the tone and rhythm of narration. Another example of tone that is disrupted because of comma intrusion is Hakim's threatening remark: “The provenance better be right, this time” (pg. 10). Because of that punctuated hesitation, his demeanor instantly becomes less direct and more timid. Other stray observations regarding the overuse of commas:
• “he said, in German” (pg. 10).
• “and now the book had arrived, for consideration” (pg. 11).
• “for her to see what was blantantly obvious, to him” (pg. 12).
• “if a copy of the book had been offered, that year” (pg. 16).
• “to change it would be prohibitive, in cost” (pg. 26).
And so forth. As you can see, this is a frequent and pervalent characteristic of your storytelling that continuously affects the rhythm of your narrative.
Be sure to avoid run-on sentences as well. Not only are they grammatically incorrect, but they also personify your narrator as a rambling storyteller. For example: “Still, if the book he needed was down there he'd have no trouble proving his concerns about the Schedel, now he'd look inside her, so he yanked the lift's door and gate open and -” (pg. 13). In addition to be a grammatical nightmare, run-on sentences clutter the overall text with too many incidental phrases and misdirected thoughts. Be careful about them or else your narrator will start sounding like someone who has a problematic manner of telling stories.
A good editing technique that is particularly hard on novelists is reading the script aloud, ideally with an objective friend who has never read the story. This is a good way to check for overlong sentences and awkward phrasing. It also causes writers to check for misplaced or forgotten words such as “the Marshe-Crotons had done carry-on so (they) lent him . . .” (pg. 33). An example of a sentence that simply reads too long occurs at the end of page 88. It may not technically be a run-on sentence since there is only one subject and verb. But it does read so long that it becomes somewhat exhausting by the time the reader reaches the end of it. Awkward phrasing and faulty syntax are also easier to spot when read aloud: “He looked around to find there did used to be a phone, outside, but now the apparatus to hold it was empty” (pg. 138). It may not seem like bad syntax but consider how much clearer it reads as: “He looked around to find that there once was a phone outside, but now the space was vacant.” Again, it is usually best to avoid repetitive use of commas if it can be avoided.
Ironically, there are several instances when commas should be implemented, but are strangely absent: “Naturally(,) a maniac waiting on the inside lane . . .” (pg. 149).
COMPOSITION
The first reference of David, Adam's “snarly punk” older brother” is a bit messy and fumbled. It makes its way to the narration because of a punk couple sitting next to Adam on the flight to LA, which turns David into a passive and indirect character. If his personality and history are meant to have a lasting impression on your main character, then it feels as if he should have a more dynamic introduction.
Casey's explanation that her motivation for Adam's arrival to Los Angeles is hard to believe from the very start. She explains that he needs an escort for her big Hollywood premiere, even though her previous adaptation made “a billion bucks”. This premise is further complicated that Casey, a purported rising and established star in Hollywood, resorts to her own mother as her sole adviser and business manager. But there are so many improbable ironies that are presented once Casey reveals her true reason for requiring Adam's presence in LA. Why him? Why go all the way to England to provide an escort for a famous Hollywood actress? Why all the secrecy? Why didn't Vincent tell Adam? If this scenario was not the main motivator for Casey, then the readers may be willing to overlook this premise as fairy-tale fiction. But they will probably not be able to relate to the Cinderalla-based format in which a nebbish book collector is randomly selected to attend a Hollywood ball. The fact that Lando and Tito exist in the story as threats to Casey make it seem even more implausible that she doesn't have bodyguards or security detail.
The instant romantic connection between Casey and Adam seemingly becomes more improbable as the story progresses. It's problematic because it's a fish-out-of-water character study where the readers get to know more and more about Adam, but Casey remains a mystery. There is no explanation for her improbable infatuation with Adam partly because she is an established thrill seeker; and he is introduced to the readers as the complete opposite. True, he undergoes an almost instantaneous metamorphosis, accelerated by the drugs, alcohol, and thrill of fame. But, their union is too brief to believe her when she says, “He's unlike anyone I've ever been with.” The longer the readers get to Casey, the less likely it seems that she would choose someone like Adam to fan the flames of jealousy in Lando's direction.
The story tries very hard to get the readers to empathize with Adam, especially when he discovers that Casey still has feelings for Lando. But the drama in this sequence is damaged by the incessant bickering between Adam, Lando, and Veronica. Instead of betrayal, the readers are once again annoyed at Lando's simple-minded candor and mystified by Casey's ambivalence. If we are meant to empathize with Adam, then he should act as we would in such circumstances. Why doesn't he accuse Casey of her manipulation? Why does he even care about Lando's moral insensitivity? Adam's backstory is also in need of considerable development. The narration briefly references his family members from time to time, but you should not expect the readers to absorb any of this information unless it can be significantly developed. They are not going to remember that Nora dismissed him from her life, or that Connor nicknamed him “hobbit”, or the aftermath of his father's death. Those stories are not illustrated as significant plot events because they are only casually mentioned in the narration. In order for the readers to feel the pain and alienation of such incidents, it would help if the readers could experience them firsthand. For example, we all know how bad it hurts when someone else enables our affection and kisses somebody else. Therefore, we can actually empathize with Adam when he witnesses Casey and Lando making out. However, that sentiment is vanquished when he starts criticizing Lando's name and literacy. Who would resort to such trivial matters when there are matters of heartache and betrayal at hand?
DIALOGUE
“The Alice 65” is a dialogue-heavy concept. There is very little physical action moving the plot forward, so the composition relies heavily on character exposition and dialogue. As any fan of Woody Allen can tell you, the characters become much more interesting when they have interesting things to say. And if they don't have interesting things to say, then at least they should have an interesting way to say it. In order to make Casey, Adam, and Lando (as well as any other speaking character) more colorful, then you should resist conversation that features small talk (“So how long you known Case?”). Pleasant conversation in general tends to lead to awfully banal dialogue (“I'm so happy you're happy”) that fails to develop or evolve the speaking character.
Perhaps the most dreaded expression to cross a publisher's eyes is the acronym “OMG”. It's become a staple in English language thanks to its frequent usage in text conversations and social media. But are the readers supposed to imagine the characters actually saying, “O-M-G”? Or is it just meant to be an abbreviaiton for “Oh My God” (which seems the much more likely spoken sentiment)? In either case, “OMG” confuses the hell out of publishers, scriptreaders, and producers alike. I'd recommend picking a different exclamatory remark.
SUMMARY
Regarding the plotline and overall story structure, my best recommendation is to revise your premise so that it is not so hard to imagine or conceive. Since this book is formatted as a romantic comedy, it is very important that the readers believe in these characters and premise. Action-oriented stories exist on the strength of the drama and action residing within the conflict. But character-centered stories require a more intimate relationship between the characters and readers. If the readers doubt Casey's personality or reasons for entrapping Adam as her premiere date, then they will have trouble accepting her dialogue and actions throughout the entire novel. And since she is supposed to be an A-list celebrity, there are several conventions regarding her background that need to be explained. Why doesn't she have a publicist or agent forcing her to date another movie star? She briefly mentions that her date had to be a low-key personality, but that doesn't explain why she picked a nebbish British bookworm like Adam. Why does Orisi, who certainly revels in dressing his celebrities, seem to be okay with this? If he was truly a professional costume designer, he would be aghast at dressing people who cannot afford the cleaning bills. It may seem like a tedious complaint, but it becomes increasingly important as the plot progresses and the characters become more developed. The readers may be getting to know them better, but without a plausible premise, the story immensely suffers.
One idea is to incorporate some information into Casey's backstory so the readers can understand her reasons for choosing Adam, whom she never even met before coming to America. Her backstory could maybe include a horrific accident with the paparazzi. She was mentally scarred by the incident and refuses to let anything happen to anyone who might attract attention. This would explain why she chose an unknown like Adam instead of the next Bradley Cooper to escort her. It would also explain her virtual absence of a publicity staff. If this idea seems too far-fetched, then try to think of something to explain this highly unusual circumstance.
In summary, this is a feel-good, romantic comedy that could feel a lot better if the main charactes were provided with more developed background to make them more believable. This is especially true for Casey, who exists more as a teasing motivator than any sort of romantic interest. The first half of the novel is especially perplexing because the readers simply will not understand her situation: she is at the zenith of her career, yet she resorts to importing an English book collector to make her former lover and co-star jealous. Since she doesn't know much about her version of “Alice”, the readers are not likely to believe that she really wants to get the book back either. Adam, on the other hand, is presented with much clearer motivation. However, it is hard to take his character seriously since he mostly acts as Comedic Relief, which is typical for most fish-out-of-water comedies. As a result, the reader feels sorry for him rather than admire or respect him.
I think a big reason why it is so hard to relate to the principle characters is that their life events and histories are presented to the readers by way of spoken dialogue rather than a character-building plot event. There is an old saying for scriptwriters: it is much more interesting to watch something happen than it is to hear about it. The same is somewhat true for novelists. If Adam spills his lifestory to Casey, who seems to be the only character able to illicit personal information from him, it is unlikely that the readers retain or absorb much of this material because of its indirect exposition.
Thankfully, there is some long-awaited development awaiting in the second half of the novel. After Adam and Casey are able to expose their personal feelings and histories to eachother, their characters become much more realistic and believable. (However, I still have a problem with the fact that Adam plays rugby but has a fear of swimming. But let's consider that a singular complaint.) The final chapter reveals everything that the readers have been waiting for regarding the subject material. Unfortunately, there is a good chance that you will have lost too many readers by then. In terms of narrative composition, I would suggest revising your story structure so that the readers have a better grasp of Adam's relationship with Nora. For instance, you could play with the story structure so that he dreams about Nora and his Da within the first half of the novel. And if I were you, I would consider finding a way to expose more about the Alice in an earlier chapter. The final chapter exists as a “payoff” chapter in that Adam unveils all of these secrets about her history. Unfortunately, the narrative tone of this informative chapter does not really match the absurdist comedy and romantic ideology of the main storyline. As a result, the material exposed in this concluding chapter is fairly random compared to the rest of the book, which is more about Adam's improbable pairing with the famous Casey than it is about the Alice 65.
---------
This is what creative people have to deal with every day -- assholes who think that since you didn't create in the way they would have, you didn't do it right. I've had others pull this crap on me, in the past, and I've just blown it off. This one? It's like I got spit on.
Well fuck that shit.
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