Beginning to think maybe I can...

It's been a crazy week prepping for shipping dealers to the London Book Fair, but now they're all on board and will be en route over the weekend. Move-in for the fair is Thursday and I seriously wish I was going. They're having a deal at the Globe Theater with a Shakespeare First Folio, and there are other exhibits I'd love to see...but I'm stuck in Buffalo. Dammit. Guess I'll have to work on A65's slide show.

Which I have been. Here's some more of the frames I've sketched up, and I've been playing with iMovie to make sure I can do what I want to do. Looks like it'll be time-consuming but may actually work out. I don't have all the options up and running, yet, but I'm getting there.

Being alone in the office for several days will give me a chance to do work on the sketches. Just take my laptop in and materials and in the quiet moments, of which there will be many, get 'em goin'.

I want this up and running by the end of July, because starting on August 1st I'm focusing on APoS and getting a first draft done. No matter what.

I've also dome some more promo for the book...in fact, all my books. Sales have grown quiet and part of that may be from my neglect in pushing them. I bought an ad for my darker books on a website devoted to M/M stories. It didn't cost much; guess we'll see if it matters any. And other groups I belong to on Facebook got posts and some pushing.

My Anger and Anarchy site is just to let off my dark thoughts steam...and has come in handy a couple of times.

Beginning to come together, finally...

I spent the holiday weekend working on the audio slide show for A65...and it's finally working for me. Carrie Armstrong's doing the read and she has a nice storytelling voice. Very comfortable. Parts were just right, but there were hesitations and skipped words, here and there...still nothing major. I also found I left out a word at an important moment, but it didn't really change anything so I'm not going to freak over it.

Instead, I went through the audio word by word and made notes, mainly asking Carrie to try to make her renditions of the British dialogue more consistent. I suggested she do each character's comments in one straight shot then have it plugged in where it belongs. To be honest, I don't know if she can get that done, but it never hurts to ask.

I also clued her in on who to use for the dialogue -- Daniel Radcliffe in Harry Potter for Adam, Trevor Howard in The Third Man for Vincent, and Michelle Dockery in Downton Abbey for Elizabeth. The latter two aren't 100% but close enough...and as noted, long ago, having Daniel Radcliffe as Adam would be most excellent...

What's interesting is how reading it over and over and comparing what I'd already done in images to her read changed everything. I'm now up to 60 frames for a 10:25 minute piece, and feel this is truly as close as I can get it without scriptwriting it, again. So today I began working them into something more like a storyboard than rough sketch.

I'm going to try and do the first image as a pan down...

Then I have Adam heading out...

Then he gets to Epping Station, reads on the tube and exits at St. Pancras.

This feels like movement and provides a good connection to Adam as he heads for a new horizon, even though he doesn't know it, yet. I've been raiding all my photos of trips to London and the UK for backgrounds. They aren't in beautiful color, but this works just as well.

And they fit in with Carrie's comfortable storytelling.

First run of A65 read right...

I got the audio for my version of the beginning of The Alice '65 and it sounds 1000 times better than that guy who was handed the pages and told to read. Carrie Armstrong did it and it sounds a lot more polished. She skips words here and there, and her British ebbs and flows when speaking the dialogue, but those are minor issues that can easily be corrected. I think. Guess I'll find out.

Still...the story flows with her reading. No stumbling over awkward words. Good readings on most moments. A kindness to her voice that is part of Adam's makeup. I really like it. I'm going to work up visuals to compliment this reading, as best I can.

I didn't get any done during this trip. Everything took longer than anticipated and I found myself getting tired by the end of the day. I'm going to start doing some kind of physical activity to try and rebuild my stamina...and lose some weight...and I'll have a good three weeks here to get started on it. We start picking up US and European book dealers on Wednesday, next week, for the London Book Fair, AKA: Firsts...and I'll be the only one in the office for 10 days. So no travel jobs.

I missed out on one in Fairbanks, Alaska. It really wasn't big enough for me to do, cost effectiveness being the main issue, but I've never been to that state and would love to have gone. Same issue for one in the wilds of Oregon, though that one also had a solid deadline I couldn't have made, anyway. I'm not available to go traveling till the 17th of June and they want it on-hand by the 11th.

I did enjoy where I was packing, in Chicago. Great view of Michigan Avenue and Lake Michigan. The first image is from when a rain storm blew in. The second, an hour later...

Proving the old saying about Texas weather -- that if you don't like it wait a while and it'll change -- is true for everywhere.

Chicago is crazy...

Supposedly, this is a city that works...but I wonder in what way. When I arrived at Midway, I went to the El to get a ticket. They offered a 3day ride but gave no price for it. I knew I'd be taking the train to and from Midway and at least one bus trip, so I got one. I don't know how, but I wound up with 6 at $20 each and no way to get a refund.

Bt if I'd known a three-day ticket was that much, I'd have bought a single round trip.

The hotel I'm staying in is nice and close to the job...but it has no AC. Fortunately, this is not summer in Chicago, which can get damned hot...but there's nothing about that on their website, and there was nothing else available on a Saturday. Hell, I was lucky to get this room.

Then it poured down rain when I was at dinner, so I hopped a taxi to go to my backup hotel (I had to get two separate hotels for Saturday night, since I had a helper coming to work the job with me; we're both in the same hotel from Sunday night). I told him the address and that it was a Travelodge. He took me to a Holiday Inn, which was a mile away. He apologized and didn't charge me any extra for going to the right hotel, but it was irritating.

Of course, this was all on top of a massive drama on Friday, when my packing materials weren't delivered because the freight elevator in the building had broken down, and even though I'd called several times to see how the progress was on the delivery, and each time was told it would be brought back no later than 5, it never was delivered.

The freight company agreed to deliver it Saturday morning, for another $95.00.

However, today went well. It didn't start to rain till we got the location, and everything was ready to go. Packed 32 cartons, today, and had a nice lunch at a Belgian restaurant.

And this was the view from our work room, as it kept pouring down...

Finished one job, one more to go...

I packed a nice collection of original books by Josephus, in Kansas City. There wound up being more than I expected, so it took me working from 8-6 Thursday and 9-11 Friday to get it done, but I popped them over to a crating facility and had the afternoon free.

So I went to the Hallmark Visitors Center just outside downtown. Watched a slick movie about JC Hall, who started the company, and how it's still run by the same family. Of course there were the usual supremely sweet exhibits, but there were also...

...Original works by Norman Rockwell, who also made a lot of artwork for the company. This one was in response to a devastating flood in 1951, meant to show the city's spirit...

...And something I hadn't realized -- they also have original works by Winston Churchill. Apparently they even se up a traveling exhibit of his work, once he'd retired and begun painting in earnest.

I knew he'd painted but didn't realize how accomplished he was.

Then I took a quick trip to Independence, MO to visit the Harry Truman Library...and while it was interesting it was a bit too bland. Just a lot of info like you'd find in history books. Nothing surprising, even in the gift center.

So...now guess where my second job is happening...

Obsession...

Okay..........

If anybody knows how I can meet this man, please tell me. He has totally fucked with my mind and emotions, even though he's not my type and lives at least 4000 miles away. I need to meet him in person and find that he's a fucking asshole so I can get him out of my head. I can't even begin to explain it, but I watched the last bit of Sense8 solely because of him.

I know that's shallow of me and I don't give a fuck. I know it's ludicrous to even think of anything ever happening between us...outside of my imagination. As if that's not what I've been living on for the last 35 years, meaning why should this be any different? But Jesus fucking Christ, those eyes and that little smirk...they've branded me.

It's been a long time since I've felt this strong about someone in a movie or series. Those feelings...that intense attachment...I projected it onto my characters. My life was built around them. IS built around them. They are more real to me than real people...which may be part of the attraction to him. He's real even though he isn't, even as he is.

I'm remembering the point in UG where Devlin finally connects with the reality of what happened to one of the men who was raped and murdered, and how it nearly destroys him. Breaks him. Allows him to see what his truth is. It tears me up to even think about it.

And in A65, when Adam realizes what has happened and why he was sent to pick up this particular book, and how it cuts so deep...it cuts him free from his past and lets him see a new future. And he shows it in a quiet moment with his mother as he lets her know he's letting go of the past.

In those moments, it's like I'm more alive than I've ever been, in my real life. Same for my other works...each has a scene in it where the protagonist's emotions take over and point him to reality. Sometimes big, splashy ones...like when Damon realizes his son is more important to him than anything in the world; sometimes tiny and quiet...like when Jake tells Tone about who killed his uncle and how he feels evil; sometimes just a drive up a coastal road in the pre-dawn hours with man you hated and never expected to love...and with whom you've destroyed any chance of happiness.

Max Riemelt is my dream...and he's more real than my life...and there's no chance of anything more than that...and something in me says that's good. Why? I don't know.

Guess I'll have to put it in a book to understand...

New tactic...

Started from scratch and got 43 frames roughed out, with some being used a couple of times in cutting back and forth, making my A65 project feel more like a movie. All of the images will focus on Adam. Now I just need to go through and make presentable versions of them, scan them in, figure out how to shift them into video and edit them according to the rhythm of the reading. Nothing much.

What's funny is, I did initially write the story as a script. Once I made it into a book, I could see how incomplete and unfocused the script was. I had dialogue meant only to be cute or funny instead of push the characters along. You have more room for that in a book, but now that it's done I could make a better script out of it, if I wanted to.

Turning Porno Manifesto into a screenplay from a book helped me see how sloppy I could be when writing. I get all caught up in angst and agony and rewriting and reimagining and fighting with the characters...which takes my focus off the story's thread, at times. Maybe I should do them all this way -- write the story as a script or book, then translate it...then translate the translation back to whichever way I originally wrote it. That makes me focus harder on the storyline. I saw that because it also helped me get a clearer clearer idea of Dair's Window.

I'm thinking, if by some miracle PM winds up getting anywhere at the Nicholl, I could write APoS as a mini-series. I will have, at the very least, a first draft done before the grant initiates. I could take that into script format then make it back into a book...then make it back into a mini-series screenplay. And length wouldn't matter.

An English woman in my graduate screenwriting class wrote a 350 page script set during the Indian Sepoy Rebellion of 1857...Fassbinder's Berlin Alexanderplatz being her inspiration, surprisingly...and The Jewel in the Crown came along shortly after...which also had a massive script.

I guess working up storyboards has me dreaming about movies, again. Same for watching Sense8 and seeing massive holes in the script being covered by fast pacing and quick editing. That really fucking irritates me. I'm sticking it out to the end, but only because I want to see what happens to Max Riemelt's Wolfgang...

And because I know I could write better than that...

Whiplash...again...

Well...I worked half the day on building the best replacement for my discarded frame, and it was looking nice. I finally honed in on Adam heading for the gate to Merryton College, hemmed in by gray walls with there being brightness and colors beyond, and blue skies, and the chapel that his office is in with its stained glass windows...and OMG it was so...so...boring.

I'm a visual person. I used to do storyboards and even my crappiest straight pen to paper ones were more exciting than this thing. It's like the difference between a huge, star-studded Hollywood EPIC weighted down by its grandiosity as opposed to a nice, neat movie about a guy who goes through a life-changing event...think Ben-Hur instead of Marty.

And yes, I know -- it's rather grandiose of me to use that comparison, but that's how it feels. And gots lots of feels, right now. Because I can see where I'm limiting the project. It's going to take too long for me to work up 80 colored frames, so I'll just do 20 or so. And the colors have to be just right. And Adam has to have a consistent look and I want to jam as much into each frame as I can...and if the reading goes for 10 minutes, that's providing 2 whole frames a minute.

Why would anyone want to watch and listen to that? I couldn't watch the whole reading done by those idiots in Toronto because it was focused on one man (who had difficulty speaking the words, sometimes). What I was planning to offer wasn't much better. Well, the reading, itself, would be...

ANYway...I'm rethinking my strategy. Thinking maybe I should storyboard it like I do a film. Put in motion and lots of cuts and all that movie stuff. Give it life, even if it's just in pen & ink...or pencil. Break free from my chains of grandiosity.

So...just how obnoxious do I sound, now?

Recharging batteries...

Took the night off. Bought myself some new bandanas. Tried to have fish and chips at Wegman's but didn't; I really used to like theirs but they've changed how they work them and it's just not right, so went for BBQ, instead. Then came home, made tea and watched two more episodes of Sense8 as I ate a banana.

The storyteller in me gets irritated at the casual attitude to consistency and reality, even in the universe they're building. And I've always been dismissive of how much damage people seem to take in a fight and still keep fighting. That gets ludicrous more than once in this program, especially when there's a huge gunfight and no cops show up to stop it or arrest anybody. Breaks my suspension of disbelief.

BUT...I am finally buying into most of the characters. Brian J. Smith is beginning to find some depth in Wil Gorsky that isn't just in the script. I must be getting used to Jamie Clayton's dead voice because she's not as grating, but she cannot act except at one level. I'm not sure why they changed actors for Capheus, though I get the impression the first one might not have been willing to go as far as they wanted in the orgy scenes...and those do happen, now and then.

I'm still locked in on Max Riemelt as Wolfgang, and he is running circles around them all in the acting and charisma departments. The next-closest is Doona Bae as Sun Bak, the Korean woman who sacrifices herself to save her father's company only to be betrayed by her brother. She brings a lot of depth to her impassive expressions.

I've got 9 more episodes to go and maybe a finale...not sure about that. The last episode is 2.5 hours long so that might be it. But watching this has broken my self-flagellation cycle over the wasted artwork. I can see what I need to do, now, to continue the emotional connection of the frames and will get on it, tomorrow. In fact, I'm looking forward to working up the sketch and coloring it in.

Though I am almost wishing I'd found out about Max and used his face for Adam...but then, who'd believe him as a nerdy cataloguer? It'd be like when Audrey Hepburn pretended to be a Cockney guttersnipe in My Fair Lady and you just knew she was only biding her time until she could be the lady, again.

But then...Max might have the chops to pull it off.

MFSOB...

I am so fucking pissed at myself. I spent days trying to get this one frame of A65's right...coloring it, adding details, adjusting, erasing, shadowing, deepening to the point of overdoing it, staring at it trying to understand what was wrong...and it stayed wrong. It was all fucking wrong. It's not the layout of the image and what I've done with it that's wrong...it's the feel of it. It's like I'm putting distance between Adam and the reader.

My initial sketch for this bit focused more on Adam, but cut back and forth between him in another cityscape and him seeing the college and that wasn't right, either. Then I found the perfect look for Merryton College and went all squirrel and lost sight of how he's the center of the story. The whole book is from his POV and I wanted to keep that sense, even in these minimal sketches.

I checked through and everywhere else I did keep his POV, fortunately, so it was just this frame flipping me off. Now I need to come up with a better layout for it after wasting so damn much time on it. One that will add to the moment instead of simply reflect it.

I do like the castle I used as the model for Merryton. I may keep the gate. But my idea, now, is to have Adam approaching and show where he's going from over his right shoulder. Include the entrance to the chapel...maybe just beyond the gate. Add some buildings and students or something...if there's room. I dunno.

But there goes my Saturday.

Bathroom book...

I'm reading the Taschen Book on Film Noir, edited by Paul Duncan and Juergen Mueller...and it is the perfect thing to pick up while you're taking a shit. Short descriptions of movies they consider to be Noir films, lugubrious discussion of what they mean in the scheme of things, all so very self-important in a way only German scholars can be, who think they've discovered something that's only been around for 75 years.

And it's so full of mistakes, I'm having more fun picking them out than actually reading about the films I've enjoyed. Like how they claim Brigid O'Shaughnessy baited Kasper Gutman and Joel Cairo into helping her get The Maltese Falcon, when she was the one hired by Gutman. And how they claim Walter Neff is being held at gunpoint by Keyes, in Double Indemnity, as he makes his confession...when actually he's doing it because the whole thing's blown up in his face; Keyes doesn't arrive on that scene until the end of the film and just watches Neff, devastated at the betrayal. Ludicrous!

What's funniest is how they include Rebecca and Gaslight as Film Noir, as well as Rear Window, Vertigo and Psycho. That's crazy. Out of the Past, The Killers, Killer's Kiss, Asphalt Jungle, yeah...all those are great Noir Films; including other movies just because they have the same basic look is nearly insulting to the genre.

I'm part of a group on Facebook called Classic Film Noir (1940-1958) and they qualify noir as the following:  Originally suggested by Randy Sadewater in his film class. ~
1. An investigator, a man of relative integrity
2. A Criminal
3. A Femme Fatale
4. A bland but good woman
5. An “everyman” - normal person caught up in the events
6. European emigre director
7. Stolen valuable
8. Use of lighting/angles/composition
   A. Chiaroscuro - high contrast - no fill light, long shadows
   B. Asymetrical, imbalanced composition
   C. Deep focus, giving background equal importance
   D. Reflections/mirrors
   E. Camera position, extreme high and low angles
   F. Extreme close-ups, heightened intensity
9. Script based on American Pulp Fiction
10. Heavy smoking and drinking
11. An obsession with something of the past
   A. Flashbacks
   B. Voiceover
12. Complex plot
13. Urban location
14. Bleak view of humanity
15. Fast paced/poetic dialogue
16. Events that control the outcome as much or more than the characters
17. Downbeat ending, not happily after
18. The story must be contemporary to the time the film was made.

They left out sense of doom or inevitability, something I consider very important. And this book ignores most of the depth and sensibility that makes a film a Noir piece in favor of the surface elements. For example, I can't even begin to see Peeping Tom as a piece of Noir...but it's in this thing.

However...it is a great read as you're sitting on the toilet.

Life intrudes on life...

Got two jobs coming up, starting a week from Wednesday, both fairly intense. One's in Kansas City, the other in Chicago, both under tight time constraints. Not my happiest way to work. What's more, there's one dangling in the background in Seattle that might happen...or might not...and would slap onto the end of these two and entail me doing a redeye to Philadelphia. Le sigh...

So what am I doing instead of artwork or writing? Gorging on Sense8. It's available on Netflix and I just finished episode 12 of 24. It's fascinating what the Wachowskis got away with in the program. Full-frontal male nudity. Serious lesbian sex. Nine different women giving birth in graphic detail, including the moment when the baby's head crowns out of her vagina. And the usual conspiracy stuff.

Shit, and I though Porno Manifesto was a middle finger to the industry. It only has 2 gay bashing, 5 male rapes and 1 imaginary, and the usual system of justice ain't doin' it's job crap, all done in a way that doesn't need to be graphic if the director don't want. I now feel like an incontinent wuss in comparison to S8. But this is what comes from not keeping up with the latest in entertainment availability. What's out there for you is behind the times for others.

I do like the program. A couple of the guys are cute (I especially like Max Riemelt as Wolfgang [brown shirt and black jacket] and Alfonso Herrera as Hernando [not one of the main cast]), and I feel for them. But a couple of the actors can't act very well (Brian J Smith as Will Gorsky is pretty but not deep and Jaime Clayton as Nomi Marks has an irritating monotone of a voice). Sometimes the timeline takes second place to adding complexity and having flashbacks in the story in ways that are distracting...like Riley talking about going to her father's concert that's supposed to be tomorrow night but feels like it takes days to get there, then going through a long, loooooong remembrance it triggers. It also lingers a bit long and occasionally is very predictable...but I'll watch the rest of it.

However, it really is just a version of The Matrix but without the cool SFX and a bit more emotional connection. It was not cheap to make, either. Shot in Korea, Iceland, Germany, England, India, Kenya, and Mexico, as well as Chicago and San Francisco in the US. With some major crowd scenes, some massive fights, and the actors bouncing back and forth between each country with each of their compatriots.

Hell, that last bit, alone, would keep me watching just to see how well they keep it up.

Kurosawa nails it...

This is mainly advice on writing screenplays, but it's good for any kind of writing. I know. I've taken it to heart and once a story's dug itself into me, I keep at it, no matter how long it takes. It's only the ones I get no connection to that I leave behind...and the way I can tell I didn't connect with them is they just don't work. Something's off between me and the characters, and I can't force it to happen.

So after working on A65's panels, today (I got 1.75 colored in), I started watching Sense8. I got through 3 episodes...and now I want to read that script, because it is all over the place and yet under complete control...and I'd love to do something like that in my work.

The only one of Faulkner's books I really liked was The Sound and the Fury, especially the Benjy section, because it was everywhere and yet inside the mind of a mentally disabled man. I've been too unsure of myself to try it to any real extent in my work, and the few times I did something like that in a script I got ripped for it.

I'm still learning to let go of the fear of criticism...and acceptance...

No more whining...

This is what I did, today, and damn near screwed it up, I was so focused on not doing so. Paranoia and fear will mess with you, like that...but so will being overly precise. I was shadowing in Adam's chin...and shadowing and riffing and using brown then terra cotta then peach then flesh then brown, all nice and light...and it got to be too dark; looked like a beard that was half shaved off, so I erased it and all that did was smudge everything and freak me out.
 So I took a walk and came back and erased some more and recolored it and it turned out all right. It's still on the light side, image-wise, but it's workable.

I'm not spraying fixative on any of the images till I'm done with them all, because I'm finding little changes to make in each frame that helps tell the moment better as I go along...like adding a book to every one of them, somewhere. But it means I have to be careful with them so I don't smudge the graphite pencil I'm using to outline and shadow with. And that stuff does love to smudge.

Adam also needs to stand out a bit more. Or maybe not. I'll decide later. I do know I need to do something to separate his satchel from his mackintosh; darker brown don't make much difference against brown. And the old lady's too washed out. She looks more like a Victorian ghost than Adam's boss, Vincent, does.

Here's something weird -- as I'm writing this, I'm finding grammar-check is handing out wrong information.  When I wrote the old lady's too washed out it told me too should be to, and that's completely incorrect. It also gets it's and its confused all the time. If I wasn't sure about my use of conjugations and basic English grammar, I'd be making changes that made no sense.

So...my thought is -- AI is fucking with us...

Creation is hard...

Like anyone ever thought it was easy. I can't think of a single artist who's worth a damn who believed creating their work was simple or straightforward. It's a fucking pain in the ass. Scary. Demanding. Capricious. You name it...if you want to do something worthwhile. And even if you don't.

I don't necessarily mean that everything created is worth the turmoil it causes. There's some shit out there that people worked their asses off to make that is garbage. I know I've slaved to make a couple scripts great that never got beyond the basic OK stage...if that good. And some of my artwork is ludicrously amateurish.

But then...I've never thought of myself as the next Van Gogh or Picasso. I tried to be like de Kooning...

...but couldn't get into the chaos he seemed to need to paint. Same for Jackson Pollack and, conversely, Mark Rothko.

I couldn't...or wouldn't...dig as deep into myself to bring out art, like they did. I don't think I had nearly as much talent. I do okay in a cartoonish way, but that's not the same thing.

I like Tom of Finland's drawings...especially his faces...but he's still more of a caricaturist than a fine artist, even though his work now hangs in museums. Of course, half the reason for that is his sociological meaning to the gay community...

...And I'm just rambling because I'm not happy with the feel of what I'm doing for A65's slide show. I'm not catching the feel of the book, as if I was trying to make every frame deep and meaningful and worthy of hanging on a wall.

Which I am. Which is why I'm unhappy. And why I'm whining about creating being a pain...

Creation is fucking hard...

Kicking self in ass can be good, when it works...

I managed to make myself go through the sketches I've done up and fill in one shade of brown...which used up damn near all the pencil, thanks to the room Adam works in. And his hair, since the first layer is brown. Now it will be built upon. It wasn't easy getting going, but I managed to get myself out of my rut and just do it.

Maybe I should be the next Nike ad.

It helped that instead of getting lost in Twitter and FaceBook I slammed on Metropolis and Brave New Rave on KCRW, two programs that have interesting music that isn't typical, like rap and hip-hop and today's overwrought folk songs can be. Their Morning Becomes Eclectic program can get songs on like that, banal, insipid, overwrought emotion. I prefer instrumental over lyrics because I'm finding too damn many songwriters are lazy with that part of the writing.

Their songs have lovely melodies but then it seems like they spent 10 minutes writing the words to go with them, and figured they were talented enough to slam any phrase into any beat. Not everyone can phrase well enough to overcome a lyric that doesn't match the melody. I started noticing this when I listened to Florence and the Machine's Dog Days Are Over. Parts of that song are so fucking amazing while other parts are inept, at best.

I love the opening line -- Happiness hit her like a train on a track. But then the following line loses the rhythm because the words used are awkward...and it's back and forth like that through the rest of the song, with the phrasing inconsistent -- sometimes brilliant, sometimes amateurish. Same for other songs by that group. And other performers, too...like Muse, who can be just as sloppy, and even Red Hot Chili Peppers, who can be very insipid.

I got to wondering if it was deliberate, but I can't see anything that adds to the music canon by doing that. I don't need perfect rhymes or consistent intent with the lyrics, but I do think when you come up with a lovely melody you should honor it, not try to subvert it.

It's the same way I deal with my writing...once a story and characters as established, if I don't work with them or try to change them just to make someone else happy, it all falls apart. Messes everything up. I learned that the hard way by killing a couple of scripts I was working on...and by being stupid, once, and allowing others tell me what to put in my script...which only wound up making it bland and very Syd Field.

Maybe that's why I don't like much of today's music.

I'm back to whining...

I've been in a nasty funk for the last few days. Headaches and eye strain and apathy and too goddamn much laziness mixed in to get anything more than the minimum done, each night after work. I don't know where it came from...but here it is. And I'm having a bitch of a time getting past it.

I was able to make myself color in some greens and browns on the frames for A65, and I did some pushing of my books on a couple of sites. I also sent a copy of A65 to Powell's Books, in Portland OR, to see if they'd stock it on their shelves. But nothing more. I sit at my laptop and grow despondent over the shit-show in Washington, thanks not only to the rabid GOP but Democrats who put politics over country.

William Barr's testimony before the Senate, today, is my breaking point. If he is not removed from being AG and that POS in the White House impeached, we are dead as a country...and I hold Pelosi and Schumer just as responsible as the criminals in the Republican Party for this, along with the media for not calling him out before it was too late.

But it's not just them. When an obviously evil man like Czar Snowflake has a 43% approval rating, at this late date, it means too goddamn many people in the US are just as fucked up and corrupt as him. No country can survive that. No democracy can. I think I'm seeing the end of America in my lifetime.

Maybe that's where my apathy comes from -- the understanding that a proven criminal who's looting the treasury for himself and his friends as he destroys everything great about us is still seen as doing something good. He's never done a goddamn thing for anybody but himself in his entire life, but they worship him. He's spawn of the devil but they treat him like God.

So maybe I do know where my funk came from. Maybe this is why I'm thinking, "Why bother?" It's the end of civilization and I'm spinning my wheels thinking my writing will be worth anything in the new Dark Age.

But then again...I have been able to wander past the bleakness and make a couple decisions. I'm taking August off from work and spending the month slamming through APoS. I was going to travel, but it's silly for me to do that when I still have so much to get done and am finally seeing a solid dent in my debt. Besides, I need some dental work done and to have a cyst that's giving me a little horn removed from the top of my head.

Hmm...or maybe I should keep it and pretend I'm a unicorn...