Obsession...

Okay..........

If anybody knows how I can meet this man, please tell me. He has totally fucked with my mind and emotions, even though he's not my type and lives at least 4000 miles away. I need to meet him in person and find that he's a fucking asshole so I can get him out of my head. I can't even begin to explain it, but I watched the last bit of Sense8 solely because of him.

I know that's shallow of me and I don't give a fuck. I know it's ludicrous to even think of anything ever happening between us...outside of my imagination. As if that's not what I've been living on for the last 35 years, meaning why should this be any different? But Jesus fucking Christ, those eyes and that little smirk...they've branded me.

It's been a long time since I've felt this strong about someone in a movie or series. Those feelings...that intense attachment...I projected it onto my characters. My life was built around them. IS built around them. They are more real to me than real people...which may be part of the attraction to him. He's real even though he isn't, even as he is.

I'm remembering the point in UG where Devlin finally connects with the reality of what happened to one of the men who was raped and murdered, and how it nearly destroys him. Breaks him. Allows him to see what his truth is. It tears me up to even think about it.

And in A65, when Adam realizes what has happened and why he was sent to pick up this particular book, and how it cuts so deep...it cuts him free from his past and lets him see a new future. And he shows it in a quiet moment with his mother as he lets her know he's letting go of the past.

In those moments, it's like I'm more alive than I've ever been, in my real life. Same for my other works...each has a scene in it where the protagonist's emotions take over and point him to reality. Sometimes big, splashy ones...like when Damon realizes his son is more important to him than anything in the world; sometimes tiny and quiet...like when Jake tells Tone about who killed his uncle and how he feels evil; sometimes just a drive up a coastal road in the pre-dawn hours with man you hated and never expected to love...and with whom you've destroyed any chance of happiness.

Max Riemelt is my dream...and he's more real than my life...and there's no chance of anything more than that...and something in me says that's good. Why? I don't know.

Guess I'll have to put it in a book to understand...