Sometimes that can be fun. Sometimes I do things just to do them -- like travel to Berlin to spend New Year's with friends and see how the city's changed from the first time I was there. Or pick up and move to LA without a real plan. Or write screenplays instead of books -- instead of directing, even though that's what I told myself I wanted to do. I make decisions that follow no real logic but wind up taking me places I'd never go if I really thought about it. Sometimes it works out well; sometimes it doesn't.
One time it didn't was when I moved from San Antonio to New York to go to graduate school at NYU. If I'd thought it through, I'd have gone up, first, to see if I could fit in with the city. Instead I piled all my things into someone else's car and moved. And found I could not fit in; I wasn't able to handle the massive change in attitude and atmosphere. But I was stuck there for months until I made enough to return to SA and apply to UT's graduate school...which worked out better.
Truth is, however, 20/20 hindsight tells me the moment I graduated with my BA, I should have moved to LA and begun working in film. My mother and father were back together and living in Glendale, so I'd have had a place to stay till I was on my feet. But I let fear talk me out of that. That's one thing I can be too damn good at.
So now I'm working on Underground Guy, again, and I don't know why except it's ready and I want to. And...truth be told...I know once I get into Place of Safety, again, I won't be able to shift focus to anything else. Brendan and I are talking, again, and he's shining a light on how he wants to be portrayed, so I'll need every bit of concentration I have to be able to do it right. And he's telling me to get this thing out of the way, first, and prove to him I can go as far as he needs me to go. Which will be quite far.
What's interesting is, I'm no longer afraid to dive into Brendan's story. Not really. I finally accept that I was so locked onto the details of his existence, in Derry I was forgetting his is a story that can be told in any part of the world, right now. It's wrong of me to even think of hiding from it when all I need is to just tell it. He'll guide me. He'll show me what should and should not be there. And the details will work themselves out. I know this, now.
But the truth is, if I really knew what I was doing, I wouldn't be doing it.
One time it didn't was when I moved from San Antonio to New York to go to graduate school at NYU. If I'd thought it through, I'd have gone up, first, to see if I could fit in with the city. Instead I piled all my things into someone else's car and moved. And found I could not fit in; I wasn't able to handle the massive change in attitude and atmosphere. But I was stuck there for months until I made enough to return to SA and apply to UT's graduate school...which worked out better.
Truth is, however, 20/20 hindsight tells me the moment I graduated with my BA, I should have moved to LA and begun working in film. My mother and father were back together and living in Glendale, so I'd have had a place to stay till I was on my feet. But I let fear talk me out of that. That's one thing I can be too damn good at.
So now I'm working on Underground Guy, again, and I don't know why except it's ready and I want to. And...truth be told...I know once I get into Place of Safety, again, I won't be able to shift focus to anything else. Brendan and I are talking, again, and he's shining a light on how he wants to be portrayed, so I'll need every bit of concentration I have to be able to do it right. And he's telling me to get this thing out of the way, first, and prove to him I can go as far as he needs me to go. Which will be quite far.
What's interesting is, I'm no longer afraid to dive into Brendan's story. Not really. I finally accept that I was so locked onto the details of his existence, in Derry I was forgetting his is a story that can be told in any part of the world, right now. It's wrong of me to even think of hiding from it when all I need is to just tell it. He'll guide me. He'll show me what should and should not be there. And the details will work themselves out. I know this, now.
But the truth is, if I really knew what I was doing, I wouldn't be doing it.
No comments:
Post a Comment