Working on APoS...and this is near the end, after Brendan's been interrogated and released by the British...interrogation that included torture...
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It took me little time to figure out we were not headed for Derry but were aimed deeper into Antrim, aimed for The Republic.
I turned to Kieran and asked, “How’d you get out of Derry?”
“I didn’t. It’s locked down with no one allowed in or out. Ma’s wake was under surveillance, as was her funeral.”
“Then she is buried.”
“We tried to hold off, Bren. But we’d no idea how long you’d be held and Father Pat felt it best to be done with it. He preached a good one at her service -- about the evils of the Brits and how they’d even prevent a lad from seeing his beloved mother off to the next world.”
I couldn’t help but snort at that one. “So you were there?”
“I snuck in.”
“Where were you before?”
“I can’t say.”
“Who taught you how to drive?”
“Bren, I’ve been boosting cars since I was twelve.”
“That’s when I started working on them.”
“I’m told you’re good at it.”
I nodded. “Where you taking me?”
“To Colm. He wants to see you.”
I knew what this meant -- more questions...and a bullet if they didn’t suit the questioners. I smiled and leaned back in the car. It was now dark enough to rest my eyes. Who’d ever have thought night would be a blessing?
We drove up to a farm on the border, then Kieran hid the car in the barn and a man sent us a signal and Kieran popped into a hole in the ground to sneak through a tunnel. I hesitated, flashing back to the rooms at Castlereagh and the long corridors, but Kieran looked up at me, wary, wondering if I was going to run. A sure sign of guilt, that. I made a show of stretching my back and legs, took a deep breath and forced myself to climb down the ladder.
There was no room, just straight into a dark corridor with light only from Kieran’s torch. It wasn’t so very long a one but it was long enough so by the time we popped out, I my shaking was out of control and I was near to panic.
Kieran looked at me. “You don’t like tight places?”
I shook my head.
Then several men surrounded us, all dressed in black. They motioned for us to follow them and headed for a small low building just the other side of a hill. I stopped at seeing it.
Kieran nudged me. “It’s just in here.”
“No,” I said. “I won’t go in.”
“C’mon, Brendan, Colm’s waiting.”
“I won’t go in a room.”
“You’re that afraid? My big brother, scared to even so much as face his friends for what’s gone on and -- ?”
“I’ll face them out here! I’ll not go inside.”
His mates grabbed me and tried to drag me into the building, and suddenly I was like a wild animal, screeching and kicking and clawing and biting until they let me drop to the ground. And I stayed there, flat on my back gazing at the stars.
Kieran glanced between them, embarrassed, then snarled, “I’ll be right back.”
His mates continued to stand around me, as if on guard. I didn’t need to look at them to see the confusion on their faces. It was cold, out, and the dirt was surely colder in their eyes, so what sort of fool would kick and bite to be let lie there except a madman. And it’s best to let madmen be. If only they knew how right they were.
Oh, dear God, the heavens glistened with tiny diamonds on deep purple velvet. Watching. Silent. Heartbreakingly beautiful. Not in the least concerned with the stupidity of men. They’d existed a billion years before me and would exist a billion more after, and who was I to think my sad little seconds of life in comparison were of any true importance, next to them? They were the true alpha and omega. They were the true never-ending light. Not even God could own them, let alone man.
I cannot begin to describe the peace I found just looking at them. Just letting them glimmer and shine and wonder at my fixation on them. At my feeling as one with them. Were I to die, I halfway thought I’d join with them to gaze down at other fools like myself, children too stupid to know anything of truth or love or belief. Would I weep as they sometimes do, the hints of their tears streaking across the sky for an instant? Would I watch innocents like Joanna and myself try to build a world between ourselves alone and question their assumption that such a thing was possible? Would I see the same hideous actions practiced in every corner of this pathetic little planet against men of black skin and yellow skin and brown skin and red skin as well as white? Would I even care enough to care?
I actually began to hope that I’d be left there to just lie until the light of day chased the stars around to the other side of the world. I needed no guards. The gentle stars wouldn’t let me move, not so long as they had watch over me. Existence was meaningless aside from those tiny white dots in the still darkening ink above me. I almost began to smile and --
Footsteps whispered up, careful, uncertain. I sensed someone squatting beside me then Colm’s face drifted into my line of sight. Concern filled his eyes.
I half grimaced, half smiled and softly croaked, “Colm, please -- you’re blocking my view.”
“What’s this, Bren?” he asked, just as softly. “You planning to claim madness as your defense?”
Defense? Can a true state of being excuse anything? Can loss of your soul mean all is well? Can hate so vicious it rocks your very being be accepted as your punishment? It sounded to me like I’d been tried and convicted, all without a moment of explanation on my part. Not that I could offer any that would be believed. The whole point of this insipid little play was to ignore the facts and laugh at the truth and believe only the tales of idiots. Man’s true fate.
I stared at Colm. “I will not go in there.”
“Brendan, come along, you’re playing the part of a fool.”
“Listen to what I say, Colm. I will not go into any room. Ever. Do with me as you will, but you will do it in the open.” I shifted my eyes back to the sky. Drew strength from the pinpoints of light so high above me. “You will do it under the stars. So they can bear witness.”
“Then we’ll drag you in.” He started to rise.
I didn’t move. Didn’t even look at him as I snarled, “If you try, me China, I will rip your fucking heart out, do you fucking understand me?”
He stopped. Glared at me. “Listen to me, me ‘China’,” and he all but spat the word out, “the only thing standing between you and a bullet in the head, right now, is me.”
Christ, he was so serious, so full of his own sense of meaning and grandeur and heroism, just like that fuckin’ Brit commander -- I had to laugh at him. “Then you better fucking move, lad,” I choked out, “for there’s some have decided I’m taking that bullet, whether I deserve it or not, so save yourself. Step aside. I’m not worth the hell it’ll bring you to back me.” And I kept laughing, lost in the meaninglessness of it.
“Jesus Christ -- what the fuck is this? I’m trying to keep you alive!” He was actually angry, which only made me laugh harder. He dropped to one knee and grabbed me by the hair and snarled, “Answer me one question -- what did you tell them?”
I couldn’t speak, I was still so choked with laughter, so he slapped me. Twice. I was just able to shake my head. His grip tightened in my hair.
“Don’t tell me it was nothing! They had you in there but four days, and now three of our lads’ve been lifted by the peelers. Your own brother was nearly taken at your mother’s funeral, so what the fuck did you tell them?”
I think he was planning to hit me, again, but I’d begun to regain control so he just released me and leaned back on his haunches to wait till I caught my breath, once more.
Finally, finally, I was able to whisper, “I -- I don’t know -- what I told them -- or if I told them anything. Half the time I wasn’t there. And the other half -- tell me, Colm -- how can you talk when you’re drowning in a room void of water?”
“Arra, talk sense!”
I lay back, exhausted, still breathing hard, and gazed back at the stars. “I lay like this. On a table. My face covered by a cloth. And I was drowned. Over and over and over. Naught but a cold dead ceiling to bear witness. What you do to me now is nothing...nothing...nothing compared to that. Just do it out here, no ceiling above me. Please.”
-----------
It took me little time to figure out we were not headed for Derry but were aimed deeper into Antrim, aimed for The Republic.
I turned to Kieran and asked, “How’d you get out of Derry?”
“I didn’t. It’s locked down with no one allowed in or out. Ma’s wake was under surveillance, as was her funeral.”
“Then she is buried.”
“We tried to hold off, Bren. But we’d no idea how long you’d be held and Father Pat felt it best to be done with it. He preached a good one at her service -- about the evils of the Brits and how they’d even prevent a lad from seeing his beloved mother off to the next world.”
I couldn’t help but snort at that one. “So you were there?”
“I snuck in.”
“Where were you before?”
“I can’t say.”
“Who taught you how to drive?”
“Bren, I’ve been boosting cars since I was twelve.”
“That’s when I started working on them.”
“I’m told you’re good at it.”
I nodded. “Where you taking me?”
“To Colm. He wants to see you.”
I knew what this meant -- more questions...and a bullet if they didn’t suit the questioners. I smiled and leaned back in the car. It was now dark enough to rest my eyes. Who’d ever have thought night would be a blessing?
We drove up to a farm on the border, then Kieran hid the car in the barn and a man sent us a signal and Kieran popped into a hole in the ground to sneak through a tunnel. I hesitated, flashing back to the rooms at Castlereagh and the long corridors, but Kieran looked up at me, wary, wondering if I was going to run. A sure sign of guilt, that. I made a show of stretching my back and legs, took a deep breath and forced myself to climb down the ladder.
There was no room, just straight into a dark corridor with light only from Kieran’s torch. It wasn’t so very long a one but it was long enough so by the time we popped out, I my shaking was out of control and I was near to panic.
Kieran looked at me. “You don’t like tight places?”
I shook my head.
Then several men surrounded us, all dressed in black. They motioned for us to follow them and headed for a small low building just the other side of a hill. I stopped at seeing it.
Kieran nudged me. “It’s just in here.”
“No,” I said. “I won’t go in.”
“C’mon, Brendan, Colm’s waiting.”
“I won’t go in a room.”
“You’re that afraid? My big brother, scared to even so much as face his friends for what’s gone on and -- ?”
“I’ll face them out here! I’ll not go inside.”
His mates grabbed me and tried to drag me into the building, and suddenly I was like a wild animal, screeching and kicking and clawing and biting until they let me drop to the ground. And I stayed there, flat on my back gazing at the stars.
Kieran glanced between them, embarrassed, then snarled, “I’ll be right back.”
His mates continued to stand around me, as if on guard. I didn’t need to look at them to see the confusion on their faces. It was cold, out, and the dirt was surely colder in their eyes, so what sort of fool would kick and bite to be let lie there except a madman. And it’s best to let madmen be. If only they knew how right they were.
Oh, dear God, the heavens glistened with tiny diamonds on deep purple velvet. Watching. Silent. Heartbreakingly beautiful. Not in the least concerned with the stupidity of men. They’d existed a billion years before me and would exist a billion more after, and who was I to think my sad little seconds of life in comparison were of any true importance, next to them? They were the true alpha and omega. They were the true never-ending light. Not even God could own them, let alone man.
I cannot begin to describe the peace I found just looking at them. Just letting them glimmer and shine and wonder at my fixation on them. At my feeling as one with them. Were I to die, I halfway thought I’d join with them to gaze down at other fools like myself, children too stupid to know anything of truth or love or belief. Would I weep as they sometimes do, the hints of their tears streaking across the sky for an instant? Would I watch innocents like Joanna and myself try to build a world between ourselves alone and question their assumption that such a thing was possible? Would I see the same hideous actions practiced in every corner of this pathetic little planet against men of black skin and yellow skin and brown skin and red skin as well as white? Would I even care enough to care?
I actually began to hope that I’d be left there to just lie until the light of day chased the stars around to the other side of the world. I needed no guards. The gentle stars wouldn’t let me move, not so long as they had watch over me. Existence was meaningless aside from those tiny white dots in the still darkening ink above me. I almost began to smile and --
Footsteps whispered up, careful, uncertain. I sensed someone squatting beside me then Colm’s face drifted into my line of sight. Concern filled his eyes.
I half grimaced, half smiled and softly croaked, “Colm, please -- you’re blocking my view.”
“What’s this, Bren?” he asked, just as softly. “You planning to claim madness as your defense?”
Defense? Can a true state of being excuse anything? Can loss of your soul mean all is well? Can hate so vicious it rocks your very being be accepted as your punishment? It sounded to me like I’d been tried and convicted, all without a moment of explanation on my part. Not that I could offer any that would be believed. The whole point of this insipid little play was to ignore the facts and laugh at the truth and believe only the tales of idiots. Man’s true fate.
I stared at Colm. “I will not go in there.”
“Brendan, come along, you’re playing the part of a fool.”
“Listen to what I say, Colm. I will not go into any room. Ever. Do with me as you will, but you will do it in the open.” I shifted my eyes back to the sky. Drew strength from the pinpoints of light so high above me. “You will do it under the stars. So they can bear witness.”
“Then we’ll drag you in.” He started to rise.
I didn’t move. Didn’t even look at him as I snarled, “If you try, me China, I will rip your fucking heart out, do you fucking understand me?”
He stopped. Glared at me. “Listen to me, me ‘China’,” and he all but spat the word out, “the only thing standing between you and a bullet in the head, right now, is me.”
Christ, he was so serious, so full of his own sense of meaning and grandeur and heroism, just like that fuckin’ Brit commander -- I had to laugh at him. “Then you better fucking move, lad,” I choked out, “for there’s some have decided I’m taking that bullet, whether I deserve it or not, so save yourself. Step aside. I’m not worth the hell it’ll bring you to back me.” And I kept laughing, lost in the meaninglessness of it.
“Jesus Christ -- what the fuck is this? I’m trying to keep you alive!” He was actually angry, which only made me laugh harder. He dropped to one knee and grabbed me by the hair and snarled, “Answer me one question -- what did you tell them?”
I couldn’t speak, I was still so choked with laughter, so he slapped me. Twice. I was just able to shake my head. His grip tightened in my hair.
“Don’t tell me it was nothing! They had you in there but four days, and now three of our lads’ve been lifted by the peelers. Your own brother was nearly taken at your mother’s funeral, so what the fuck did you tell them?”
I think he was planning to hit me, again, but I’d begun to regain control so he just released me and leaned back on his haunches to wait till I caught my breath, once more.
Finally, finally, I was able to whisper, “I -- I don’t know -- what I told them -- or if I told them anything. Half the time I wasn’t there. And the other half -- tell me, Colm -- how can you talk when you’re drowning in a room void of water?”
“Arra, talk sense!”
I lay back, exhausted, still breathing hard, and gazed back at the stars. “I lay like this. On a table. My face covered by a cloth. And I was drowned. Over and over and over. Naught but a cold dead ceiling to bear witness. What you do to me now is nothing...nothing...nothing compared to that. Just do it out here, no ceiling above me. Please.”
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