Intense day

I got locked into my new direction for POS and building up information concerning Castlereagh Detention Center outside Belfast...and I'm going nuts trying to find something -- ANYthing -- on a jail or detention center that I would swear was on Strand Road in Derry but nothing comes up on the CAIN site or in Google (unless I want to stay at the Travel Lodge on Strand Road or learn about a drunk who was recently picked up on that road or...you get the drift). It's put me in a very weird place, emotionally, because I feel like I'm looking for something but may actually be looking at it and I'm halfway afraid I'm thinking of the old jail that was torn down on Bishop Street in 1973...but I'd swear it was a new facility.

I read an 50+ page report by Amnesty International written in 1991 about kids under the age of 18 being harassed by the RUC (cops), British troops and paramilitaries from both sides, and learned so much more about banishments and punishments and some of the things done...Snap away from that. I had a conversation with Brendan about this and he's nodding on the direction the story's taken. Silently nodding. That spooks me, because normally his displeasure is mentally verbal or sulking to the point where he won't look at me (he's never been completely happy with me being the writer on this, so I don't even know what a smile looks like on him). And suddenly, I'm not so sure about the ending I was so damn sure about.

Jesus Christ, I don't know if this book's going to be any good or if it'll ever get published or read or anything, and I think that would more than just hurt me. You see, "Bobby Carapisi" is languishing in sales, and it's another book I had to push to get done and that I felt was needed and believe in so deeply and I'm so proud of. BUT...sales are so minimal, Amazon's stopped discounting it (sounds backwards, I know, but that's how they do things). And I'm afraid the same will happen with POS -- Brendan and I'll go through all this turmoil...and it will be for nothing.

No...no that's not going to happen. If I have to self-publish through Amazon's incomprehensible system, I'll do that. And I'll push the book any way I can. Maybe some of my time should be focused on learning how to market. Obviously what I did with my scripts didn't work, so at least I know what NOT to do.

And I get a kick in the pants from Brendan reminding me I still have to FINISH the book...and then go through the rewriting process. All of which will take at least a couple of years. Plenty of time to worry about this nonsense later.

I told you I was in a weird place. Let's go somewhere else.