1131 pages

This is how long A Place of Safety is, right now...and it's going to increase by at least 50% before I'm done. Of course, that's double-spaced in Courier 12 point on 8.5x11" format, with 1" borders, and I am aiming for 3 separate volumes. Still...it's massive, overall. It's just, I don't want Brendan to merely be telling the story; I want him to be feeling it and sharing his feelings with the reader.

The last section, Brendan's return to Derry, is far too quick and easy. He talks about a lot but this point in time needs to be highly emotional for him. He's cutting ties with his American family. His mother is dying from cancer. His brother is about to join the hunger strikers. Another brother is part of the IRA's youth auxiliary. And everywhere he goes in Derry he's seeing ghosts from his past.

I have one section near the end where Brendan is being hauled before an IRA council after having been interrogated for several days, thinking he's provided information to the British...that he's become a grass, as they call informers. But the interrogation was so intense, he honestly has no idea if he informed on them or not...and it looks like he will be shot and buried. I want this to be terrifying, even as Brendan is all but hoping for it to happen.

On top of this, I've got a multitude of post-it notes regarding all three sections, as well as red pen comments in the bulk of the text, to remind me of things that need to be or have been referred to and should be clarified. So I'm nowhere near the end of work on this. I'd like to think it builds to a solid, powerful ending...but I won't know until it's done. All the way. But...this is also just a second draft of the third section. It will grow deeper.

There's a whole bit I could add where Brendan finds out more about his father's life and it colors his interpretation of the man...but I'm still thinking about that. Suffice to say, things shift and change in ways that I hope are not predictable, aside from the push of history, at the time. I'd hate for this story to just seem derivative and superficial.

Oh...my...

The Houston part of APoS really does need a lot of work. Superficial. Skating along. Truncated moments between Brendan and characters who are important to him, who then vanish. Ugh...

This is my rendition of how Brendan looks at the end of the book, as he's about to leave Houston and return to his home. He knows he cannot go there as himself because he's still being sought by the British and the Police Authority in Northern Ireland, so will use a friend's identity.

But he also knows his old friends won't be fooled and word will get around, so he cannot stay for long...even though he has to return. I need to make this a gut-wrenching decision, for him, and it's not, yet. Nowhere near.

I shouldn't be harsh about my writing here, really. This section is only in 2nd draft while Derry is in 4th. But it's still awkward reading how casual this part is. Granted, it has to cover more than 7 years of his life, but it needs to lead up to his return to Derry and why he's going even though he no longer feels a connection to the city...even as he feels homesick. A dichotomy that needs to be handled carefully.

I do have moments I'm pleased with...like a confrontation between Brendan and his Uncle Sean that is brutal in its blunt honesty about his situation. Brendan learns he has no control over his life, and his attempts to regain it have not only been fruitless, they've put a member of his family in danger, in NI.

Damn, I'm reaching for the stars with this book, and I'm so nervous about it. I'm not a straightforward writer, like Hemingway and Faulkner and even Tolstoy. I have to work and rework and re-rework my writing, over and over until it reaches a point where I'm happy enough with it to let go. Hell, CK went through a dozen honest drafts before I could publish it...and that's a much shorter, much simpler story.

But...it's gonna take what it takes to work, and I can't stop till it agrees with me that it does. And it's not agreeing, right now.

Book 2 -- Houston

I've read through half of book two of APoS and it's moving along but is a lot more superficial in places, though I'd already started making notes as to what was needed, where, so it's on its way to being there. I know what I'm aiming for, in here -- parallels to happenings in Derry at the beginning of the Troubles -- and I can see the groundwork laid. There are also notes for aspects I need to add to book one.

Brendan's personality is shifting, thanks to the trauma he's been through. Smokes more. Pot and cigarettes. Drinks. Does pills. Seeks oblivion. Yet has flashes of anger that boil out of nowhere at the same time that he's more casual about things. A lot depends on the circumstances and whether or not he feels like he's being put upon.

He's still isolated, but I'm not seeing much of his Derry attitude in here, and I'm not sure about that being a good thing...or bad...but his new mantra seems to be, Do it, especially if you don't want to.

For example, he gets talked into going ice skating in the Galleria...and becomes quite good at it because when he's finally able to slick around the rink at speed, it's like he's flying and leaving his troubles behind him.

But other occasions are problematic -- like sneaking into a gay bar with his cousin, Scott, when he's underage and in the US illegally. Things threaten to go bad but a gay man named Everett helps him out. It's only afterwards that he realizes what hell that would have caused his family, if he'd been caught by the cops.

I don't know how long it will take me to handle all of this, there's still so much work that needs to be done...but I do feel like I'm closing in on the complete story. And will...someday...

Much to do...

I finished reading part one of APoS and can see several areas where I skated over what was happening. Brendan all but tosses off the confrontation at Magilligan Strand a week before Bloody Sunday. Same for when he starts trying to find out more about his father's life, and the lead-up to him understanding more about his parents' warped relationship is not really grounded, yet.

I think it will help to make sure Brendan's parents, Bernadette and Eamonn, are better established in my head so I can lay tracks for them. Their history is still too obscure. He's also not quite set in his ways, yet, but seems more to meander through the story, in parts, when he should be inhabiting it.  There's also a bit of inconsistency and I used a character name for two different people, so that needs to be addressed. And a bit of repetition happens that I'm not fond of.

I also don't feel much of a build up to the final climax, through the story. There is some...but it's not as compelling as I'd like. As it's worth. I think...hope a lot of this will be handled once I've immersed myself back into the culture and time, via my books. First, I'm going to read the next two parts to remind myself of where it's heading and what needs to be established.

Tomorrow is the official launch of Carli's Kills, in paperback. I'm still waiting for Smashwords to finish their final check of it so it can go into their e-catalogue. I'd love to get reviews on it and have hinted and asked...though not yet begged...for them, but I'm not expecting much. I couldn't get people to review my work even when I gave the books away or where them getting a copy was contingent on them providing a review. It's irritating. I'm hoping this being a MF story, I'll have better luck...but I'm not holding my breath.

I've already had some sales, but I'd like more...a lot more, if possible. I want to pay down my debt and at the rate I'm going, job-wise, that ain't gonna happen anytime soon. Next week is a whirlwind of 3 jobs in DC, Chicago and Iowa City. Lots of running around for not a lot of income. I'm not bitching about it, because this will keep me from having to dip into my savings. but it would be nice to be debt free.

I'm feeling the need...

There are two writers inside me -- one working on APoS; the other wanting to work up another adult gay coloring book. Sometimes the two of them collide and I'm wary of the work that comes out. I have a moment in APoS, just after the chaotic march on Magilligan Strand, where British paratroopers went nuts attacking the demonstrators to the point they were ignoring orders to cease, and rubber bullets were being fired into the crowd.

Brendan and two of his mates, Danny and Colm, were at the demonstration and Colm's been hurt by one of the rubber bullets. En route home they hit a checkpoint stop so might get arrested but Brendan comes up with a quick excuse for the injury...even as he notices Danny is not just being patted down by a Para, he's all but being molested by the man and is about to freak out.

That's something I wondered about happening while I was going over photos of Irish boys being slammed up against walls, their legs spread apart and hands pushing against the wall as British troops look on. It's the perfect way to cop a feel if you're a closet case. Run hands up and down legs and over asses; grope crotches; looking for weapons and never actually finding any. It just seems too consistently done to better-looking lads for it not to have a deeper meaning.

But it also brings to mind a story I've had knocking about in my head that might work best in narrative form, rather than as a coloring book...but I'm undecided. It's about guys kidnapped by several men and vanishing into the back of a van...to be molested and then used to provide fuel or energy to power an alien space ship. If I did it at the same time I'm working on APoS, I'd call it Demented Dreams: Missing.

I already had the basic idea in a sci-fi/horror screenplay I wrote called We come, about an alien who crash-lands on Earth, hides his craft in a cave and uses a surrogate man to bring him people to use for food and energy enough to send out a distress signal. A group of skateboard kids are targeted by the critter, next, but they fight back.

I guess I'm building a need for another book like Hunter or The Beast in the Nothing Room...

Zero thought till 4pm today

Yesterday, I could not get my mind in gear, something that continued until 4pm, today, when I broke open the notebook holding part one of A Place of Safety and read through half of it. The story is set. The pacing is set. The characters are set. The rhythm is set. What needs work is the detail of the piece, to make it a Derry story and not something written by an arrogant American who's never lived there.

That is going to be the hard part, and will take a lot of time. But having read it, so far, I feel sure enough about everything else to just start adjusting here and there. First step after reading the full story will be to immerse myself back into books dealing with the people of Derry and let them permeate through me as much as possible. I'd say I'm 75-80% of the way there, but it needs to be as close to 100% as possible.

I am going to let Brendan be more apart from others, self-isolated except with his few close friends. It's almost like he's autistic, but if so he would be low on the spectrum. He just wants to be himself and doesn't feel the need to explain himself to others, starting at an early age. He is obsessive about being able to repair things...mainly by taking them apart and putting them back together...but none of this really fits into the idea of a developmental disorder.

I may add in some think he was born with an old soul and just doesn't have the time for most foolishness. He sees things more clearly than others, even though he can't articulate it, yet...or doesn't even really understand it. Almost like he's an empath...

There's a moment in the story I'd forgotten I wrote, where he's 12 and suddenly realizes his mother and father, who used to fight in vicious, physical ways, not only loved each other completely, they loved the fighting. He wonders if half the reason his mother disparages him and is physical in her punishments is she needs someone to take up that void in her life, now that her husband is dead.

She can't do that to his older brother because he's too important to her. His older sister just calmly accepts anything her mother does, so is no use. His younger brother is too young. And Brendan is always going his own way, doing what he wants when he wants to. She's also caught him lying to her...so he's her scapegoat. And he's finally beginning to catch on and it not only hurts him, it infuriates him.

Like it would have, his father.

Nothing day...for writing...

Had surgery done on my eyelids, this morning, then spent half the day lying on my couch with a bag of frozen peas or corn across the stitches. Even wrapped in a cloth, it got to be damned cold, and the cuts are still sort of bleeding. I'm using white dishcloths for this so I can see where the bleeding still is and how much. And my eyes feel very tight. But supposedly this will make it easier for me to see...so we'll see.

But at the moment I look like a raccoon...

Thinking about APoS now. In fits and starts. Nothing specific, yet, but the ideas that I need to hew to are simple -- Part One is Brendan as a boy trying to live his life, Part Two is him lost and fighting to find a place in the world; Part Three is him now a man of destiny. It's rather Russian in thought -- man trapped in his fate -- and despite Russia's terrorism in Ukraine I refuse to let go of using her great writers as my guides.

Besides, the ones I like are all pre-Soviet Russia -- Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, Turgenev, Chekov. All 19th Century. I like their focus on the human condition, and their elegant characterizations of those who inhabit their stories. Anna Karenina is my favorite book, closely followed by War and Peace and The Brothers Karamazov. I used Chekov's short story, Champagne, for a short script that got a lot of notice, when I was in film school. Even got shot by a few students as their project.

What's funny is, I couldn't get into Dr. Zhivago as a book or A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich...but I do like Russian cinema. Films like Solaris and Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears. Not sure what this means about me...

All done with CK

The ebook of Carli's Kills is loaded and they say it's good, finally. Same for the paperback, though that is going to take longer to get up and running. It all depends on when it's put into Amazon's, B&N's and BAM!'s catalogues. That can take up to ten days.

I finally feel like it works at the level I want. Consistent with each character in their space. I'd be interested in seeing if I get any feedback on it, but judging by my other books that will be rarely forthcoming. Reviews are precious, like gold. Out of all my books I think I have 50 reviews, total, most for HTRASG. So not gonna worry about it.

Tomorrow, I'll be having my eyelids worked on. They droop a bit too much and interfere with my vision, at times. So I'll be out of it, for a few days. Looking like I had a facelift, I'm sure. Got lots of food in house and may be able to continue watching Game of Thrones, now. Depends on how I feel. Maybe I'll watch some porn, instead.

I've got most of my Irish books up on shelves, again. Still a few to pull out of storage, but enough for right now. If I'm not too bad off, I may start in on those. My next project is a final draft of A Place of Safety - Derry, book one of my trilogy. As you can see, I have all three volumes in at least a second draft, while #1 is in 4th draft, all with their chapters designated.

I should go through what I've written, so far, and remind myself of what I need. A couple of books have already informed me I'm being way too neat and clean about Brendan's life...tho' that might work out well. Gives him a bit more reason to be apart from most of the other boys.

I swear to God I'll get this done, some day...

Formatting sucks...

I've spent the last hour trying to set up the ebook for Carli's Kills on Smashwords, and while it looks good I keep getting an error message from them that some of my test is in text boxes. But I can't find any, anywhere in the file. I pulled up gridlines, and if there's a text box it will block them out behind the text...but there's nothing. Anywhere.

They're recommending I remove ALL formatting and start from scratch. Otherwise I won't be included in their premium catalogue. Which means minimal distribution. It's driving me nuts so I'm setting it aside, for now. I can't face redoing this thing, not right now. I have to start prepping for eyelid surgery, on Wednesday, and I doubt I'll be in the mood to do much for a while, after that.

Anyway, it's up if you want to try it. And if I do manage to figure out WTF is going on with Smashwords or do upload an edition they like, you'll get notified and offered the new version. But from what I can tell, it shows up right in epub and Mobi.

So this is the end of the editing. I'll upload the paperback, tomorrow, and get that process rolling. Should take a week to 10 days for it to show up as available on Amazon, B&N and BAM!. Then it's back to A Place of Safety.

I actually look forward to it.

Numb

I keep finding typos and inconsistencies in CK. I'm never gonna be done with it. I just went through the part where Carl takes Zeke to bed, and not a comment about her being hurt in any way after having had a vicious fight with one of her victims, the night before. Finding points where I have firs instead of first and he instead of her, which won't show up on spell or grammar check and can be hard to notice when you're proofing. Ugh.

I'm so over working on this book, but I can't stop, now. I'm also too invested in Carli and Zeke, and want their story told. I'm a fucking nutcase, when it comes to working on my books.

I want to win a million dollars, already, so I can have somebody else write this for me.