Derry, Northern Ireland

Derry, Northern Ireland
A book I'm working on is set in this town.

Monday, October 27, 2014

If I only had a chin...

I've never had one. I've got one of those necks that starts at your chin and slopes in. Even pictures in high school, when I weighed 145 lbs, show me having that. I've always thought that if I do get plastic surgery, it'll be to have a firm, strong chin.

I'd love to have one like this guy's -- practically flat across the jaw line till it hits his throat. It might help me feel better about myself and my appearance. Make me look less like a terrorist.

That's what a co-worker said to me -- that I dress like a terrorist. I've never been the neatest dresser. I got lost in clothes for a couple years but then grew out of it so much, I did a 180. I've never looked as slick as I suppose I could. But it's never been that big a deal to me.

Unless someone snarks about it. Then it digs at me, for some reason. Settles into my sense of self and become one of the tools I use to beat up on myself when I'm down. I was born with some anomalies to my body structure that became more pronounced (at least, in my own mind) as I grew older, so anytime someone feels like they need to comment on my appearance, it only adds to that lack of inner self-worth.

This guy's Kirill Dowidoff, a model from Russia who's sculpted himself into near perfection. but he has the genes for it -- long limbs, clean muscles, body in proportion. It's absurd for me to compare myself to him, even to show how taut his chin is and sigh about mine. Even if I'd worked out 2 hours a day, every day, I'd never look like that. My DNA is totally different. But still...I do...and sigh at my own inadequacies.

It ain't just girls who have body issues.

No comments: