Difficult moments...

I'm not sure I'm doing a chapter in NWFO correctly. It deals with the death of a waitress Brendan works with at his uncle's bar, and it feels glib. Brusque. Almost like it doesn't belong...but it is necessary for the story. It marks him, because he'd grown close to her. Protected her against her abusive husband. And feels responsible when the man kills her and himself.

He'd been able to battle back his sense of guilt over the death of Joanna. Accept that her father would have been a target of the Provisional IRA no matter what, and that the bomb went off prematurely due to circumstances beyond anyone's real control. But this puts him back to square one.

So it's right, where it is. It's blunt and brutal.  But it's missing something to anchor it better to the story. And that's what today's been all about. Catholic guilt is all through it, sure. Depression. Would adding self-harm work within this? I don't get the sense Brendan would do that to himself. He's not the least bit suicidal.

He just takes it all in. Berates himself. Drinks and smokes and does pot and pills...but not to a massive extent. He gets angry and is hurt, but he's always been a step back from everything except when he's repairing something. Is that what I'm missing? I'm leaving him stuck in a form of limbo and not following through with his way of working?

I don't know. That also seems a bit trite. But it is closer to his normal way of dealing with life. I can't fix people but I can fix this radio.

I'll deal with it, tomorrow. I've got some kind of infection in my right eyelid and need to tend to that.