Celebration dinner...

It was snowing so instead of traveling 10 miles to Russell's Steak House on the other side of the airport, I went to an Outback that was only 4 miles away. And damn, it was good. The salad had some kind of blue cheese vinaigrette dressing with pecans, the 6oz filet and baked potato were perfect, and I even had cheesecake with chocolate sauce to finish my wine with.

I got so into it, I didn't think to take a photo before I began feasting...so this is how it was going. The DP was a prelude to the meal. 

Came out to nearly $70, including tip, which is about half what the other place would have cost, and I was purring like a kitten at the end of it. Only issue is, that one glass of wine made me sleepy. I don't have the tolerance I once had. Which is good, I guess.

It was still snowing when I came out, so drove home and took a nap. Still a bit sleepy. I may stay in bed all day, tomorrow. Just bring my laptop in and work on BDO, there.

Oh, I also got a haircut at a shop where this lovely Persian lad who goes by Q did a great job.

I think it's finally really sinking in just what I achieved with A Place of Safety. For me, even if to few others. I'd been working on the story for decades. Fighting over it with Brendan. Often thinking I couldn't get it done. Shouldn't get it done. And now it's over and I'm just...I don't know what I am.

I need to hermit for a while. Let my brain and body and spirit reconnect. Ignore the horrors growing everywhere, thanks to that beast in the White House and his demon spawn. 

It's done...

A Place of Safety is complete. I got a copy of the book with the glossy dust jacket and now it is ready...as you can see from the new banner I've posted on this blog. 

The last step will be setting it up in paperback, but that is in the future. Right now, I'm basking in the beauty of knowing I not only did what I said I would, for 2024, it was for a serious book about a devastating time in a young man's life, not something rooted in erotica and movie-style events.

I know without question anyone who was actually born and raised in Derry will have issues with the books, if they ever read them. I did my best to make each one as true as possible, but I've already had people from there say there's no way I can get the true flavor of being a Derry man or woman. Usually as they say they won't read it. And that's all right. What matters is, I stayed honest to Brendan and his story.

Now comes the fun part--trying to get reviews of the book on GoodReads and Amazon. Everything I've read about selling your book swears they are extremely important. But I wonder about that, after hearing from writers I know. People can be real assholes if they don't like you or your subject matter.

I've even got a stalker on Amazon giving my books one-star reviews. It's really funny. Not one word of explanation, just the negative rating. Almost like a silent There, I showed you. Talk about silly. Nasty reviews have been written about my work so many times, anonymous cowards mean nothing to me. 

So now it's finish BDO and then...we'll see...

Helps to be sneaky and sure

That's irin's process. The main thing he proves in BDO, chapter 19, is all that men are created venal. You just need to meet their price. As he says:

"If you want someone to fuck you over, pay them what they think they're worth. If you want them to fuck themselves over, pay them what they think you're worth."

And that's what he does with the diamonds he and Dirc receive from the Beast. They're Assher cut, real and near perfect...and 12 carat value, which puts them in the high six-figure range.

The boys are ensconced at a fine house in Carson City, NV. It's owned by an unsavory character named George, who dabbles in many quasi-legal things, including porn. When he realizes Dirc and Irin are in trouble, he arranges for some guys he knows to come and force them to have sex, on camera.

But Irin knows George and lets him sell the first diamond they're paid with. He also promises there will be more. So George shifts plans, completely...and instead of Irin and Dirc being made victims, the guys George brings in get used and sent to the Beast for its diner. Thus, more diamonds are provided and George is completely on their side.

A real diamond with few incursions (flaws) can be very valuable. A 12 carat Asscher cut diamond could cost anywhere from $100,000 to $1.5 million, depending on its cut, clarity, and color. These diamonds are typically more expensive than other diamonds of the same carat weight because of their rarity and the cutting process required to create them...so needless to say, George is happy to handle as many as my guys can bring him.

I'm up to nearly 50,000 words on this part of the story. With the 15K from the first part, that makes it a novel. Not even a month into 2025 and I've written another book. Granted, it's not exactly literature, or even on the same level as APoS...but it's something of an accomplishment.

I'll take those where I can get them...

Turmoil...

As I was working on The Beast Dines Out, today, I had a sudden attack of morality appear...and did not like it. I started making the next victim of Dirc and Irin deserving of his fate. To an extent. He's an asshole of an influencer on personal training and diet and very obnoxious about it...as if that excuses him being made into that night's special on the menu.

I almost made him a MAGAt piece of shit, and may yet...I dunno. This choice of offering to the Beast is turning out to be too deliberate to ignore the implications of it all. I think that's why I was getting nervous and trying to make it okay to deal with him, viciously.

And thinking about it, when Dirc went after the Cute Guard, it was when he was trapped in a lab-like setting being treated like a rat to run experiments on. Maybe my uncertainty started then.

But I've told myself I'm not going to do, in this story, what I was doing in Blood Angel...killing men who deserved death. That's not what really happens in life. Good people get hurt and die too soon while evil bastards live long lives. A reality only verified by the rare occasions where the opposite occurs.

For example, Jimmy Carter was as decent a man as they come, and he lived to be 100. While one of the worst J6 traitors who was pardoned by Felon47 got shot to death by a cop during a traffic stop, at the age of 42.

I wonder if I'm just approaching this moment incorrectly. Dirc's had a physical breakdown, now that he and Irin are safe. He'd been shoving forward using adrenaline to get them to that point and once it's reached, Irin is taking over, and Dirc's aches and pains and the intense weariness of doing it come crashing in for a day or two.

At this point in the story, he's the follower and not the leader of the two, which he has no problem with. But they've been equals in their relationship and that balance is off. Has been since they were both taken captive by the Area 51 crew.

I just need to find a way to regain it.

Am I writing stories...

...Or am I in a story that's being written about me writing stories? I ask this not as an existential question but because I've begun to wonder if I really exist, outside of the stories I write. My reasoning? I honestly cannot think of anything else to do.

Watch a DVD or movie? I dunno. What is there? I've only got a couple hundred to choose from, many of which I've already seen. And what sort of mood am I in? Noir? Comedy? Epic? I have both versions of Ben Hur so could compare them. I do love Dodsworth and Notorious and The Apartment and The Heiress, so could watch them, again. They are stories well-told.

Or...how about reading a book, instead? I only have 25 to choose from, and Adrian McKinty has a new Sean Duffy coming out. In hardcover. And I have a nice anthology of Edgar Allen Poe, which has some pieces I haven't read.

I should be getting my fresh copy of A Place of Safety-Home Not Home on Thursday, so that's something to keep in mind. 

But meanwhile, the only thing I consistently work on is a cheesy little SF/horror piece I'm posting for free on GayDemon. Working on chapter eighteen, right now, and see no end in sight for it. That's the only thing that gets me halfway excited...a story about two prolific serial killers who fall in love in a tale told with full amorality.

I sometimes wonder if I was a serial killer in a former life, and am condemned to this world where I'm unable to do anything like that even though deep within I want to. It's like I have the plans and thoughts and urges...but there's a lock on me that keeps me from following through. And that's why I write about them. That's my punishment for my previous existence. Look but don't touch.

There have been serial killers throughout history, but once upon a time there were so many wars going on the little bastards could satisfy their blood lust in acceptable ways. No no more. There may be Russians committing serial murders in Ukraine or Syria or the Central African Republic or even within Russia, but not with impunity, anymore. Even the Chinese, Israelis and Hamas have learned their slaughters are too easily found out and condemned.

At least, for now...

BookLife and Publishers Weekly

I got a copy of the January 20th Publishers Weekly, and on page 61 is the BookLife review of A Place of Safety-Home Not Home. It's a nice review, quite positive, but their grading system is on there and it's "Bs" for Cover, Typography, and Editing. I can accept that because they got an earlier file than that which is actually published.

I had it carefully edited before I published it, so I'm sure 95% of any issues they may have had with the book were handled. I'd sent them an earlier draft with the understanding it was undergoing editing, still, mainly because I wanted something to quote for the back cover of the book, and it takes them 5-6 weeks to get a review back to you.

I've had a couple of friends make reviews of my books, but I wish I knew how to get more people to review them on Amazon, B&N and Smashwords. I've tried just about everything I can think of--promotions, free copies, competitions--but nothing really seems to work.

For my MM erotica, I was in a group that did reviews on GoodReads, but even those were off and on. I've asked members of other groups I belong to if they'd read the three volumes of APoS and give me honest feedback, but they won't. Not even on a swapping reviews basis. All kinds of excuses. Hell, I can't even get family members to do it. My sister in San Diego and nieces refuse to read anything I've written.

I guess I could buy a review from Kirkus for HNH, but that last one was so wonky I'm leery of them.

I guess I'll just have to keep plugging along...

Forest or trees?

I didn't get to sleep till after 4am and slept till 11:30. Off and on. But somehow that helped me sort things out in my head for what to do. Especially after looking at the ridiculous flight schedules for Southwest Airlines and JetBlue. They are not working those things up for people to use.

So I'm leaving everything set up to fly home after LA. Then I'll fly to Chicago the next day. I finally reminded myself to keep it simple, and that worked out best, overall.

And I decided to get a car while I'm in Chicago. I'd been planning to do taxis and Uber, but I may need to head over to a UHaul to get some special-size boxes and want the flexibility. I also found a hotel that's about a 15 minute drive from the site instead of settling for one within walking distance. Costs $39 a night to park...but it's like that in every large city, now. Even the Motel 6 by LAX charges for parking.

I got notice that my bankruptcy hearing is at 10:30am in Buffalo, making it 7:30am in LA. It'll be middle of the week. I'm told it won't last more than a few minutes, while that packing site is only about 20 minutes from the hotel, so this is doable since I don't start there till 9am.

That freed me up, emotionally, to finish chapter 16 of The Beast Dines Out and post it. I'm not doing my usual rewriting on this because it's just rolling along. As of now, Dirc and Irin have escaped the lab, found ways to get to Las Vegas and rebuild enough money to feed and clothe themselves.

It helps that Dirc's already been through the Las Vegas type situation, once, and knows where to go to make things happen. But now the Beast has returned because it's found Dirc supplied it with the best supply of sustenance and wants to start the contract up, again.

This is where Irin comes in and negotiates a better deal, but with diamonds as payment instead of gold. Since he knows a guy in Carson City who'll handle them for the boys. And diamonds area LOT more valuable than gold.

So...forest is culled and I can see the trees, again. 

Regrouping

Have you ever wondered what the hell you're doing or where the hell you're going? I'm in one of those places, right now, which I hate. I get immobilized trying to figure out some path of action, not at all aware of which one would be best or worst or anything. Like I'm trapped in a cage, of sorts.

All of a sudden, I have back-to-back packing jobs the middle weeks of February, one in LA, one in Chicago, and I'm frozen trying to figure out the best way to handle them. Add a day to LA and fly to Chicago? Not sure what I'd do...especially with the fires still going and a large part of the city in ruins.

Come home to Buffalo then fly to Chicago? That means about a 24 hour turnaround between trips, but might be best. Even though I don't like how rushed it'd be.

At the same time, I have to work in a Zoom meeting about my bankruptcy, while I'm in LA. Only positive about that is it's on East Coast time so I can, hopefully, do it before I go into the job.

I'm still not happy that I'm doing that. I have too great a sense of responsibility for other things and people to just kick back and let it happen. And there's a lot of guilt involved, and not Catholic. Protestant...which can be much harsher.

It's said Protestants experience guilt when they don't fulfill their basic duties or experience shortcomings, and it may be more non-constructive or non-instructive than Catholics. That ol' Protestant work ethic. You are what you build or earn.

What's funny is, I got another first draft of a chapter for BDO done and it's ending with an idea expressed by Irin. If you want to fuck a guy over, pay him what he's worth. If you want him to fuck himself over, pay him what you're worth.

I have no idea where that came from or what it really means, but it fits my confused mindset at the moment.

Breather...

Chapter 16 of BDO turned out to be a lot of running up and down and fighting and sneaking around and climbing, until Dirc and Irin were in a safe enough place to relax. And reconnect in full.

No sex in this one, just the two of them floating in an underground pool, embracing and kissing and supporting each other.

They are heroes in this story. Doesn't matter how many men they helped to kill. I think I've built not only empathy for them both but respect and a connection. They love each other, fully and completely, and it's shining through.

When I wrote How to Rape a Straight Guy, I let Curt take me places I didn't know I could go. He was a wounded animal loose in the LA streets, and he ruined people's lives...and I put him in prison for it. I've gotten responses to him where readers acknowledge he did horrible things...but to their horror they still felt sorry for him.

That was the first time I thought maybe I could write a story about a monster and have the reader connect with them, emotionally. I've come close to doing it a couple other times...but there was always a reason for them to be as angry and destructive as they were. I also had a moral platform to lay their actions on, and a punishment for their transgressions.

I also made the victims of their actions deserving. Like in Hunter, where he gets started in the MM Slave Trade with guys from Mexico who've been hurting local people...before segueing into just taking random men...until he's slapped in the face with the consequences of what he's done. Then tries to make up for it.

Not this time. The closest I come to excusing Dirc's and Irin's actions is they were killed. Dirc was shot in the back by a cop, who was them made into a meal for the Beast. Irin's death was due to a fall during a scuffle with another cop, which happened around the time of Dirc's trial. They're brought back to life and from that point they are out to help the alien in its endeavors. Not so much out of gratitude but because it pays them in gold.

Now they've lost everything and don't know what to do. All they have is each other, a bit of super strength thanks to being reborn, and a need for revenge.

And I have no idea what will happen from this point.

Pulled here and there...

Got a lot going on, now. I'm handling a pickup of archives in the UK, which is no big deal except what I thought was happening is not completely correct. And the timing is a bit tighter. But it'll work out. No books involved, just paperwork.

Also did diagrams for another shipment going into containers, to see how many we'd need. And another job got quoted, though I don't think the gentleman will like the price. But it is what it is.

On top of this, I'm taking a class to present to the bankruptcy court to show I've learned to live within my means. I was put off by its claim that if you put $100 into a stock group you'd bet a 10.5% return, which it used consistently as if it's a given fact. Did you know that if you put $100 a week into that stock group for 30 years, you'd have a million dollars! If you included compound interest.

Funny, but i always thought those things had all kinds of fees in them to wipe out your accrued interest. And who the hell can afford to make that much in savings, these days?

The only time I invested in stocks was when I had a 401K at Heritage, and that was the only way they would contribute to my retirement fund. When the store downsized I closed it and paid the penalty, and lived off that and unemployment for 15 months as I tried to get work in film. Or sell a script. Something.

Didn't work. I did get some storyboarding jobs but that was it. I also made a little extra cash doing book packing, which led into working with Caladex. So it helped...

I then spent the evening getting Dirc and Irin out of that underground building, in BDO, and intensifying their connection with each other. This is the first chapter with no sexual encounter, at all. I need to go through it, again, and freshen it up a little. But overall I've just been doing a single real rewrite on each chapter before posting.

I'm living dangerously.

Fuck it...

As I'm writing the latest chapter of The Beast Dines Out, I find myself making it into a wild and crazy escape, where Dirc manages to find a way out of a room that's 2 miles underground.

Well...out of the room and into an emergency stairwell, with Irin in tow. Dirc is in loose pajama bottoms when they escape...but Irin is naked, so when they go through a kitchen he grabs some clean aprons and fixes them like a kilt around him.

Which works. Because as everyone knows, you don't wear anything under a kilt. And he's now got a sexy slit up each side to show off his legs to even better effect. Woohoo...very important in a story of MM erotica.

Reminds me of something that threw me off when I was watching Rob Roy, with Liam Neeson as the title character. Yeah, an Irishman playing a Scotsman, right.

Anyway, it was in a theater on a massive screen, and there is a moment when Rob's hands are bound and he's being dragged behind a horse...and he falls. And his kilt flies up. And you can clearly see...Liam's wearing white briefs! Oops...

Of course, I think he also had a pierced ear, but I'm not sure if I remember that right.

But...back to my story, which has become wild and crazy. It's coming out the lower regions of Area 51 may have been built down into a large cave, rather than having a space that far underground hollowed out. So if the guys can get out of the building, they might have a chance to get away. Or, at least, fight back...and have some fun...

But it amazes me how the story has circled around from the Beast having crash landed into a cave at the beginning of the story to Dirc and Irin using a cave to escape the Area 51 doctors and guards.

Here we go...

Felon#47 has already started hurting people. He's rescinded the executive order lowering drug costs, pardoned the J6 traitors, closed the Spanish language site at the White House, withdrawn us from the World Health Organization when we're on the cusp of another pandemic, renamed Denali and the Gulf of Mexico, and ordered US Passports to depict the birth identity of everyone.

Meaning Caitlyn Jenner is now back to being called Bruce. I hope they're happy. I don't remember if Jenner fully transitioned. I recall some discussion about it but blocked the backstabbing shithead from my mind. So if they haven't they might have to get rid of their tits in order to use a passport. If they have, tits may still have to go.

And this is as Muskrat is running around giving a Nazi salute of joy. Which the cowards on the right and even some Jewish groups are refusing to accept as a Nazi salute, but are giving him all sorts of excuses. Fucking pathetic.

Europe knows. Ukraine knows. And motherfucking Putin sure as hell knows. So does Xi. We're screwed.

I'm still cutting back on my social media involvement. I can barely handle Facebook, Xitter and Instagram, right now, so no way am I joining anywhere else. 

I hope to be done with The Beast Dines Out soon, before the Christo-fascists start shutting down the websites they dislike. I think I found a way for Dirc to get himself and Irin out of the Area 51 bunker they're held prisoner in. We'll see how it goes, tomorrow. Right now, he's being beaten for attacking the Cute Guard he had his eye on, and has realized the Beast has abandoned him.

It's growing even more amoral, this book...and it is now officially a book. Both parts add up to well over 50,000 words. I like that. I'm letting out a lot of anger and aggression with it. Between this and limiting my social media involvement, my blood pressure's gone down 12 points.

Good therapy, and cheap.

The end of time...

I found this on Quibbler – a conversation between @beeftony, @justplainsomething and @adrianestpierre that segued into a discussion about how it’s like Stockholm Syndrome, a made-up claim used to silence people who have the audacity to understand the reasoning some people have behind their criminal actions.

-------

Gaston really is the most terrifying Disney villain because he could be anyone in the world. Later he convinces the whole town to set up his wedding with the knowledge that the would-be bride would be thrown into it. Everyone finds his creepy tactics as cute and boys will be boys-esque. So yeah, he is terrifying.

Yeah, the truly scary thing about Beauty and the Beast isn't that Gaston exists, but that society loves him. People who deride the movie by saying it's about Stockholm Syndrome are ignoring that it's actually about the various ways that truly decent people get othered by society. People don't trust the Beast because of the way he looks, which only feeds his anger issues and pushes him further away. Gaston isn't the only one who criticizes Belle for being bookish, either; the whole town says there must be something wrong with her. And her father gets carted off to a mental asylum for being just a little eccentric.

Howard Ashman, who collaborated on the film's score and had a huge influence on the movie's story and themes, was a gay man who died of AIDS shortly after work on the film was completed. If you watch the film with that in mind, the message of it becomes clear.

Gaston demonstrates that bullies are rewarded and beloved by society as long as they possess a certain set of characteristics, while nice people who don't...are ostracized. The love story between Belle and the Beast is about them finding solace in each other after society rejects them both. 

Notice how the Beast reacts when the whole town comes for him. He's not angry, he's sad. He's tired. And he almost gives up because he has nothing to live for. But then he sees that Belle has come back for him, and suddenly he does.

In the original fairy tale, the Beast asks Belle to marry him every night, and the spell is broken when she accepts (like the Jean Cocteau version). In the Disney movie, he waits for her to love him, because he cannot love himself. That's how badly being ostracized from society and told that you're a monster all your life can fuck with your head and make you stop seeing yourself as human. 

Society rewards the bullies because we've been brought up to believe that their victims don't belong. That if someone doesn't fit in, then they have to be put in their place, or destroyed. And this movie demonstrates that this line of thinking is wrong. It's so much deeper than a standard be yourself message, and that's why it's one of my favorite Disney movies.

Also what really grinds my gears about people that bring up Stockholm syndrome is that it was literally made up to gaslight a woman who sympathized with some bank robbers. ...A woman who got kidnapped as a hostage (there were 4 hostages in a bank for 6 days) found out WHY they were robbing the bank and sympathized with them. Then when she said "hey, actually they're not that bad. They weren't trying to murder or grape or anything, they had a reason." 

Some "men" essentially said "poor stupid girl can't keep her hormones under control, she must love him. Poor thing." (Especially when she said she was more afraid of the incompetent police shooting her than the robbers.) Rather than actually listen to what she was saying they literally made up a whole syndrome to claim she was manipulated.

The former hostages said straight-out that they didn’t want to cooperate with the police afterwards because they were angry with the police’s actions during the robbery, then some dickhead psychologist who had never even interviewed them came up with the idea that they had actually refused to cooperate afterwards because they had “fallen in love” with their captors.

It's the exact same thing here. Rather than see how Belle ONLY started liking the Beast AFTER he started being kind to her and the fact that they built a friendship that eventually turned into romance people claim it was "poor stupid girl can't keep her hormones under control."

It's disgusting.

(And as a side note, we are entering a time when a Gaston-like "man" is in the White House sending people out to terrorize and destroy anyone not WASP like him.)

Chapter 14 is uploaded...

This one is really insane, for me. 2500 words where Dirc is put under intense examination that borders on rape, really. But since, officially speaking, he's dead...you can't rape a dead man, even if he is still alive. So he's bound and his clothes are cut off and he's probed and tested, like a lab rat.

I also finally explained that one of his clones was substituted for him when the Beast took him out of an unnamed observation room, earlier. But it doesn't have the brain capacity of him, so that's how the lab-techies know he's the real Warren Dircum.

And I've officially brought Area 51 into it, people who want Dirc to explain what's going on because they know he's got contact with an alien...and are alluding to using Irin as leverage to get him to talk.

This story keeps rattling on and I have no idea where it's going to end up, or when. It'll go until it's done.

I'm doing my best to ignore the hatred and cruelty being spit around by the MAGAt crowd. They laugh and lay blame for the fires in LA, crowing about God's judgment and all that shit, then calling democrats angry and unforgiving and mean when we spit back. It's ridiculous.

Let them kill the country. No one in power really seems to want to stop them. Democrats talk a lot but don't really fight. That's half the reason we're in this mess.

My one hope is that McDonald's will do its job and take out Felon#47. Of course, that means JD Vance of the 3 or 4 names will be come president, but he doesn't have the cult following of that orange beast so maybe it'll all fall apart.

One can dream.

Slogging along...

I uploaded chapter 13 of The Beast Dines Out to GayDemon and am now working on chapter 14. And it looks more and more like there will be a 15 and maybe even a 16 or 17. Depends on how Dirc gets out of his predicament.

 He's run headlong into people from Area 51 who are trying to figure out who and what the Beast is, and who know Dirc and Irin are connected to it, in some way. Irin's vanished and Dirc is fairly certain the lab techs have taken him, so lets himself get taken, as well.

Here's the bad part. The Area 51 people killed Irin's dogs, Alge and Anth, because they were protecting him. Learning that sets Dirc off and things are going to get nasty, especially since the Beast is ignoring Dirc's mental calls to him.

I have no idea where this story is going or how it will wind up. I'm plotting it as I go, and Dirc is having fun. There's lots of MM sex in it, both consensual and not, and the usual twists and turns. And by killing Irin's pup the Lab Techs have set themselves up for some serious John Wick time.

You don't kill the dog.

This may wind up being the start of a major smorgasbord of male dishes... 

Redone...

Got word from Ingram they've reset my cover to glossy so ordered a copy via rush service. I hope to get it quickly. I'm up for jury duty next week, and would like to get it on a day I don't have to go in.

In Buffalo, you don't report to the criminal courts till they want you. They send you a number and you call the night before to see if they've chosen it. If they have, you go in and, I think, join the pool to possibly sit on a jury. Very different from the last time I did jury duty. That was in Houston, and they had us come down and wait in a room till the end of the week.

Back then, I got called for a juvenile delinquency case that should have lasted half a day, but wrangling by the DDA and defense kept it up for 3 days. And while we had the feeling something had been going on with that kid, the DDA didn't prove their case and we found for the defense. Took half an hour to decide, on the first ballot. Then we sat around for another half hour so it wouldn't look like we'd rushed anything.

So long as I can have my laptop and phone with me, I'm fine. But I'm also taking a book, just in case.

It snowed all day with strong winds blowing it sideways. Kept it from building up too much. I had been thinking of going out to get some DPZ and such, but blew it off. It's expected to get above freezing, tomorrow, so I may do some running around, then.

I may not. I dunno. I'm pretty depressed. In 3 days that convicted felon will be sworn in to the presidency, and his scowling minions are already working at tearing down everything Democrats built up since Roosevelt, while billionaires salivate at paying even fewer taxes than they already do. Demons walk the earth, and they are MAGAts.

God only knows what will happen...

Shit, shit, shit...

I got my hardback copy of APoS-HNH today and for some amazingly stupid reason I cannot even begin to understand, I asked for the dust jacket to be matte instead of glossy. ARGH!

I mean, it looks good. But if I was going for matte I'd have brightened the face a bit more and let the background stand out better. But I want the books to be of a kind, and that ain't it. So fucking stupid. I really thought I'd been careful... 

But that's the story of my life. I always fuck up somehow in some way. No matter what I do or how well I think I'm doing it, even when I'm taking care with typing out a sentence, I'll leave out a letter or reverse two of them or misspell a word...and just noticed I spelled stupid as stulpid.

I need an assistant just to keep watch for my fuckups.

At least the interior is fine. Haven't found my next typo, yet.

I've corrected the setup and when it's finalized I'll get a new copy...which means it's not time to celebrate, yet. At this rate, it never will be.

I poured some of this anger into chapter 13 of The Beast Dines Out...and god, I hate that title. My biggest fuck up, there.

If all goes well...

Tomorrow I should have a hardcover copy of Home Not Home to look through and open up and find the obligatory typo in. But once I have that, A Place of Safety is done. Completely. I mean, yeah, I still have to bring it out in paperback, which I may do sooner than later, but this is my last truly official act with the book's publishing.

 I've been at this for 18 months. Writing 6 months on each volume, give or take a bit. Having it finally completed has left a huge void in my life. Unable to settle on what to do, next. If it wasn't for having had APoS as the center of my universe for so long, with all the complaining and fighting with myself and threatening to quit and nonstop drama of it, I'd fit well into the description of a highly functioning manic-depressive.

I did work up plans for a job in LA, the middle of next month. Bought tickets, reserved a hotel and a car, and have it all worked out. It's in Anaheim, so it's well away from the fires...which will, hopefully, be extinguished by then. But you never know. I keep track of it all and worry, but the fact is it won't be done till it's done.

I know what I want to do next -- complete The Beast Dines Out. And I know how I'm going to start this last part...or two. But I cannot focus until I've seen HNH in my hands. I've already decided to take a photo of all three books, together, and use that as my banner on FB with a tag similar to:

Brendan Kinsella just wants to live his life. But he's a Catholic boy in Northern Ireland at the beginning of The Troubles, and events keep messing with his plans.

Hmm...not great but getting there.

Repercussions...

The California Book Fair is off. It was to be held at the Pasadena Convention Center, but that's now HQ for FEMA and the Red Cross to help evacuees from the Eaton fire. Which, honestly, is no surprise. It's going to take months just to regain some footing in LA, all across the city, and then years to recover. At best.

I'm so fed up with the MAGAt crowd's evil and hatefulness about this catastrophe, I refuse to engage with them. They are beneath contempt and unworthy of my attention. Now I just write something along the lines of Why are MAGAts so nasty...or vile...or inhuman. Or...Why do MAGAts pretend to be Christians then spit on the teachings of Christ? Just simple questions, and I ignore those who try to bait me into a back and forth.

I'm going to write a 13th chapter for The Beast Dines Out and use my anger with it. Infuse it. Dirc finds out the Area 51 people have taken Irin, and the Beast is out of range for thoughts, so he's gonna go all Rambo on 'em.

He's out in the woods with the dogs, Alger and Anth, then comes back to see the cabin crawling with researchers and lab freaks and military police...something like that...and he uses all his wiles to get information from them.

It's a bit Sense8, in a way. Rescuing someone from a well-protected hospital-style place. They did it for Nomi, at the beginning, and Wolfie, near the end...but it was done in ways I didn't really believe. All but walking out. I want something more real and complex...and I think I've already laid some of the groundwork for what will lead into that without meaning to.

So may be a 14th chapter, too. Who knows? I just know, the story's not done, yet.

Locked, not loaded...

I had a day where I could not figure out what to do. Write? Read? Watch a movie? I did manage to get my laundry done...but my time's been spent checking on people I know in LA, concerned about the fires.

One family did have to evacuate from Altadena, but think their house is still standing. Another is under a warning, thanks to the Palisades fire. And a friend lost an elderly friend to the Eaton fire. They think the alarm came while he was asleep and had his hearing aids out...and, hopefully, never woke up. Everyone else is okay.

But I am so filled with rage, reading the claims and comments on social media about the fires. MAGAt beasts laying blame on Democrats. Saying it's God's punishment. Felon#47 pissing all over Governor Newsom and actually telling people looting has been made legal! I had to back away and let myself calm down, a little.

Jesus Christ, people can be such scum. I'm still angry about it, and this may get me to dump Xitter, completely. The vile creatures crawling around on it make cockroaches seem like the purest of beings.

So I bounced back and around. Got my BP down to 145 over 93. Not good but better.

I've never much liked humanity. Some of the things that have happened to me made me leery of people. I enjoy being alone. I have a few close friends and some acquaintances, and want no more than that. Even family is better off elsewhere.

I've always known I'm more of an introvert...even when I'm writing. To me, it's amazing I've put out some of the books I have, considering how far they went.

I put my name on them as a matter of pride in the fact I was able to write them. But I barely publicize them. It's a struggle to tell people about them. I don't want to be known...

And that's why I am where I am, today. I just don't want to be known, because it might mean I'll get bothered by people.

I'm feeling very Greta Garbo, right now.

APoS synopsis 003

And this is the streamlined synopsis I did for Home Not Home:

April 1981

Brendan is called home by his terminally ill mother, hopefully to make amends. What he finds is he was lied to; Ma is still antagonistic to him. On top of this, Bobby Sands' hunger strike has driven Derry into near chaos.

But his younger sister, Maeve, is stretched to her limit because his younger brothers are focused on their own issues while his older brother is in prison and, to Brendan's horror, is being pushed to join the hunger strikers.

Maintaining as low a profile as possible, Brendan gives Maeve as much support as he can. But then Ma’s drug-addled ramblings lead him to wonder if his father's murder might have been sectarian in nature, instead of happenstance. He becomes desperate to find out the truth.

He also learns Joanna might still be alive...but cannot find a way to verify it.

Then Bobby Sands dies. Derry erupts in fury, and Brendan finds himself trapped in the chaos as the British Army comes looking for him. They believe he was involved in the bombing that nearly killed him. 

And once again, Brendan sees there is no safe place for him.

APoS synopsis 002

Here's the streamlined synopsis I've worked up for New World For Old:

1973, Houston

Seriously injured by a horrific bombing in Derry, Brendan has fallen into Akinetic Catatonia. It was also discovered he has a heart condition, so he is snuck into Houston, Texas on a medical visa to be treated by a cardiologist.

Kept hidden in his Aunt Mari’s home as he heals, he is haunted by visions of Joanna, whom he loved more than anything, being killed in the explosion.

But he does grow well enough to return to his habit of repairing items – irons, toasters, lawn mowers and the like – and he is accepted as one of the family.

He also develops tentative friendships with Everett, a graphic artist, and Jeremy, a high school friend of his cousin, Scott, and tries to rebuild his life in a city of wealth and promise. A city he believes will offer him a place of safety.

But all too quickly, Brendan learns that appearances can be deceiving...and promises are not always kept.

Home, again...

Changed planes in Chicago, so more than three hours on the first leg and an hour and a half on the second. No delays, and being Business Select meant I could snag the even more space seats at the emergency exit. So I spent the flights working on the synopses for all three volumes of APoS. Here's what I culled Derry down to:

Derry, Northern Ireland. 1966. The Catholic minority is pushing for civil rights against the vicious control of the Protestant majority. Caught in the middle of this is Brendan Kinsella, a Catholic lad who just wants to live his life and follow his dreams. But after his father is murdered by two Protestants, his mother starts the family down a path to Irish Nationalism, which he thinks is pointless.

The third of her six children, Ma constantly picks at him and belittles him as simple-minded, despite his knack for repairing things. In response, he stays quiet, observant, and consistently goes his own way. Even though it sometimes leads him into trouble. 

Through the next six years, Brendan is caught up in Civil Rights demonstrations, the attack at Burntollet Bridge, the Battle of Bogside, the following August, and other situations leading up to Bloody Sunday, in 1972. 

There is also his growing love for Joanna, a Protestant girl, a relationship which could cause both of them serious harm, should it be found out.

Throughout this, all Brendan seeks is a place of safety in a world of chaos, but he slowly comes to wonder if that is possible.

(Volume 2 and 3 will be later)

Amorality is not all that bad...

Dirc and Irin settled into a very nice life...just one where once a week they provide a healthy man to the Beast to put on its menu. Of course, with word getting out about the gold nuggets they keep getting paid in, a mini gold-rush is starting up, providing them plenty of guys to choose from. And, as Dirc says, The cops won't care so long at it's men missing, not pretty blond girls, and no bodies are being left behind dumpsters and gas stations.

I don't know why I wrote this story. Or why it's so callous and amoral. I excused what Léon did in Blood Angel by him limiting his pack to feeding on men who deserved punishment. That ain't happening here. Some of the guys they take are assholes, but it's not a prerequisite for them. Not sure what this means for my future writing.

I also did some exercises for that book on writing a good synopsis...and so far it seems what he's really referring to is a good tag line. Here's what I've done for APoS:

APoS-Derry -- Caught in the midst of chaos, Brendan Kinsella is a simple lad who just wants to live his life. But he’s a Catholic boy in Northern Ireland, so that may not be an option. Nor may his love for Joanna, a Protestant girl.

APoS-New World For Old -- After he’s nearly killed in a bombing that killed Joanna, Brendan is snuck away to his aunt’s home in Houston. As he recovers, he hopes for a new start to his life in a city of wealth and promise...but finds that may not be possible. 

APoS-Home Not Home -- Called back to Derry because his mother is dying, Brendan sneaks in to find a city torn apart by hunger strikes...that he is wanted by the authorities for questioning...and that Joanna may still be alive.

I may use these for the paperback editions.

Travel time...

I'm posting early in case I actually do get off to Seattle, because I'm not slated to land till 10:30pm Pacific time (1:30 my time), thanks to routing through Phoenix. Then I have to get a rental car and have a 45 minute drive to my hotel on the north side of the city. Probably won't get there till after midnight and to bed by 1am. Then up at 7 to buy materials before I head over.

I've been thinking about BDO and, aside from not liking the title anymore, I think I will be able to complete it in chapter 12. And it is going to be a happy ending for Dirc and Irin. So far reaction to it's been good, and I've even gotten a couple of positive emails from readers. That's always appreciated.

I still think it's best to leave it on GayDemon and not officially publish it. This way I know the audience/readers are those who want to read work like this. That can be an issue with even erotica publishers.

I'm finding the majority of those who say they can help you sell more copies of your book work with KDP, which I have zero interest in. Don't trust them one damn bit, since they're responsible for most of the issues I've had with my books. Ingram can be difficult, but there are ways to work around their actions. Smashwords is getting a bit more problematic, but will not insane. KDP is without any foundation and makes zero sense in the things they do.

No telling how long things will be okay with self-publishing. So long as Felon#45's crowd is busy trying to steal Greenland away from Denmark and retake the Panama Canal (which we never owned), I think it's safe. But once they realize their plan to annex Canada onto the US isn't going to work, they may look for easier ground to run roughshod over.

Well...as the song goes...Que Sera Sera.

I lied...

I won't be done with The Beast Dines Out till I get back from Seattle...if I actually get to go. A lot depends on this storm that's barreling through. I'm on Southwest and they tend to have issues with delays and cancelations during bad weather.

But I uploaded part 11 to GayDemon and still need to write part 12, which will finish it up. And it is probably the most amoral thing I've ever written. Dirc and Irin are, effectively, serial killers planning to settle down and continue providing the Beast with humans for its intergalactic restaurant...without Dexter's excuse that he's only executing serial killers.

But that's what the story wants--a happy ending for my guys. And I'll provide one. For now. But I'm not publishing it in paperback, ever. If any story would get me into serious legal trouble, it'd be this one. How to Rape a Straight Guy is marshmallows in comparison.

I tried to find something to watch on Netflix, to clear my brain, but there is nothing that interests me. They all seem on the stupid or generic side. Fake and silly. That may just stem from my mood, at the moment.

I always loved Charade, with Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn, but one day it came on TV and I was watching it...and I hated the opening dialogue and how the two leads reacted to that stupid water pistol. I had to turn it off.

But...I watched it, again, recently and I was okay with it. Enjoyed it. I still think the water pistol bit was ridiculous, but it didn't irritate me like it had, before. Maybe because it was in letterbox instead of full screen.

I saw East of Eden on TV for the first time and was seriously underwhelmed by the acting and all...but when I saw it in a theater in wide-screen, it blew me away...even though the background music drove me nuts.

Seems I'm turning into a full-fledged curmudgeon...

Gonna make it...

The Beast Dines Out is almost done. Maybe a bit of a coda left to do. So I'm stealing an AI image of Henry Cavil and Chris Evans to illustrate what I think Dirc and Irin are like with each other.

This is a sick story, in so many ways. Sci-Fi, true, but also horror as told from the viewpoint of a monster. An inhuman beast. Who's met his mate and is settling into a form of domesticity...just one that keeps supplying men to the extraterrestrial. One a week...with indications there are other people like Dirc and Irin doing the same thing all over the world.

So...does that make me a monster?

There's a possibility of a followup at some later date. Maybe the Area 51 people come looking for Dirc and find Irin, instead, and Dirc has to save him from their cold, cruel, researcher clutches because the Beast is off doing its own thing. I dunno.

This story came out of nowhere and I'm not positive it's something I want to continue. I can't say I won't; I learned a long time ago my muse decides for me what I will and will not write, and when.

But at least it's out of the way and on a website that is not available to children.

Looks like another job's popped up, in Anaheim for just after the California Book Fair, next month. We'll see how long I can keep this up.

Characters, dammit...

I was thinking I had one more chapter to write on The Beast Dines Out when a new character popped up who may be helpful to Dirc. It's a guy name Irin (who use to be Aaron but felt it was too provincial so had it legally changed)...but I don't know wtf is going on. Where it's heading, now.

When Dirc drives up to Irin's fenced off property, outside his hometown, the guy greets him in a kilt and with a 12 gauge shotgun before recognizing him. I have no idea where that came from...but it's interesting. It's just, this chapter was leading into part 12 and I was hoping to end the story, there. Now I may have a baker's dozen.

Shit.

I'm getting this thing done this weekend, no matter what. I'm off to Seattle on Tuesday and don't want it hanging over me. I printed up my outline for Arrested and am taking that to read through. That said, DW is whispering to me, still. And DP is thinking I really need to get back to dealing with the harpies and the Celts.

I'm also still waiting for a printed copy of APoS-Home Not Home to come in. I paid extra for faster service. This is irritating.

Oh, shit...I just suffered a moment of serendipity.  I found that image of a shirtless guy in a kilt to illustrate Irin as he greets Dirc...and the man's name is Dirk. It was posted 8 years ago.

Okay...the story mavens are sending me a sign to stop complaining and just let the story go. As I will.

Need to finish Beast Dines Out...

I think I finally figured out the ending for The Beast Dines Out and will get it completed over the weekend. I feel like I'm being circled by a couple of stories to focus on, like sharks circling their latest meal, and want to clear my plate to settle them in.

One is Dair's Window, which will take a lot of work to get into decent shape. What I have written is just meaningless nonsense wrapped in a sort of romance between a man and the memory of his dead lover.

The other is Arrested, which is hinting at how to open it and get the whole story started. Something along the lines of...

Simon Halliwell's arrest was very plain and simple. Ludicrously so. On Monday about midnight, he was accused of approaching an off-duty police officer and asking him to have sex with him. When he was refused, he then exposed himself to the officer, fully erect, so was taken into custody. Due to it happening within six-hundred feet of a school, he was booked and arraigned, the next morning, where he entered a plea of Not guilty.

Kind of dry and perfunctory. Not sure how I feel about it. But no matter what I think of Dair's Window, it continues to open with Adam waking Dair with a little song, and dying later that day. That is not going to change. It's the rest of the story that needs a huge rewrite.

Of course, Arrested needs to be written from the outline I did. A far more detailed outline than I've ever done.

Mixed in is Darian's Point, which starts with the end of the war between the Ui Briuin clan and harpies, where the treaty is made permanent, in blood, then jumps back five years earlier, when everything started.

I'm hoping I'll choose the right one to finish.

Vera...

It's season 14 of Vera, on Britbox, and after this one Brenda Blethyn is retiring. She plays Vera and it's not a drawing room style drama or murder mystery. She's all over Northumberland and Newcastle-upon-Tyne in these, driving an ancient Land Rover Defender stick over street and turf.

But she's done, and I don't blame her. 56 episodes, each an hour and a half. Each a small movie. All within 14 years. Jesus, I'd be worn out.

What makes it sad is this is one of the more polished BBC murder mysteries. Some of the writing is simple and the revelations are simplistic, but they feel right, overall. No padding done. Nothing cozy about them. They seem to stick closer to real police procedure than other shows.

Don't get me wrong--I like Midsomer Murders and Agatha Raisin and the Miss Marple mysteries, when I'm looking for something to have my tea with instead of a Guinness. And the David Suchet Poirot mysteries are fun. Plus it helps make the movies better having David Leon back; he and Brenda Blethyn play well off each other.

But I'm sad that these will be the last. Maybe David will take over the franchise. No telling. Still, the next one's out next Thursday...and I'll be en route home from Seattle. Hopefully. Weather is not promising.

After that one, I may rewatch them all, start to finish.

2025...

It's here. Whether we like it or not. And I'm doing all I can to prepare for the coming destruction. Lowered my monthly costs as much as I can. Signed back up with Netflix and Britbox for things to watch. I have enough DVDs to last the rest of my life, so that is a better investment. And I'm taking a break from writing to just read.

I may get back to Madame Bovary. I don't like reading modern fiction. Usually. I question why they choose the words and sentence structure they did. Which is really ridiculous of me. But I can't help it. However, with the classics, I accept their writing with minimal argument.

Everyone says you have to read in order to write. I covered for a lot of that by focusing on non-fiction and materials related to the Troubles in N Ireland. Specifically between 1966 and 1981.

Just don't anyone think I'm an expert on the situation. My knowledge is very limited, and shown mainly from Brendan's perspective, throughout. He's not in on IRA meetings. He goes to demonstrations because his friends are going. He helps with the Battle for Bogside out of anger and everybody else is doing it.

Plus his ways are not solidly Irish Catholic, except when it's in his face. Because he loves a Protestant girl and is clear-eyed enough to see both sides of the conflict are using it to enrich themselves.

But it's done and out there...and I'm going through a bit of withdrawal. So I'm not going to do any writing till I know which way I'm going.

I mean, I have a half-dozen books I could write, already, yet I came up with two new ones to focus on. Why? I could get back to work on my Darian's Point trilogy, which is really more like 3 novellas in a novel. I could figure out Dair's Window. I could commit to finishing Blood Angel, which I have plotted out almost completely. Instead...I wander through the fields of my mind.

I need a break from my brain.