Regrouping

Have you ever wondered what the hell you're doing or where the hell you're going? I'm in one of those places, right now, which I hate. I get immobilized trying to figure out some path of action, not at all aware of which one would be best or worst or anything. Like I'm trapped in a cage, of sorts.

All of a sudden, I have back-to-back packing jobs the middle weeks of February, one in LA, one in Chicago, and I'm frozen trying to figure out the best way to handle them. Add a day to LA and fly to Chicago? Not sure what I'd do...especially with the fires still going and a large part of the city in ruins.

Come home to Buffalo then fly to Chicago? That means about a 24 hour turnaround between trips, but might be best. Even though I don't like how rushed it'd be.

At the same time, I have to work in a Zoom meeting about my bankruptcy, while I'm in LA. Only positive about that is it's on East Coast time so I can, hopefully, do it before I go into the job.

I'm still not happy that I'm doing that. I have too great a sense of responsibility for other things and people to just kick back and let it happen. And there's a lot of guilt involved, and not Catholic. Protestant...which can be much harsher.

It's said Protestants experience guilt when they don't fulfill their basic duties or experience shortcomings, and it may be more non-constructive or non-instructive than Catholics. That ol' Protestant work ethic. You are what you build or earn.

What's funny is, I got another first draft of a chapter for BDO done and it's ending with an idea expressed by Irin. If you want to fuck a guy over, pay him what he's worth. If you want him to fuck himself over, pay him what you're worth.

I have no idea where that came from or what it really means, but it fits my confused mindset at the moment.