This is what I submitted for the comedy class. I'm trying to combine "fish out of water" with "incongruent pairings" for the plot, using misinterpretation, comedic surprise, wildly inappropriate response, embarrassment,comedic tragedy...and the whole story is one of forced union of incompatibles.
Set-up -- Adam is being forced by Casey to accompany her to Lando's party. He's her ex-boyfriend and has the Alice '65...though he doesn't know it. Adam was dressed by a Rodeo Drive dude named Orisi, who insisted he wear Orisi's own brand of briefs...as well as a $5000 tuxedo. Lando has Adam thrown out of the party so he's climbed through a neighbor's trees to get into the back yard and find Casey, thinking she's in trouble. The fence looks more like a zoo enclosure.
Set-up -- Adam is being forced by Casey to accompany her to Lando's party. He's her ex-boyfriend and has the Alice '65...though he doesn't know it. Adam was dressed by a Rodeo Drive dude named Orisi, who insisted he wear Orisi's own brand of briefs...as well as a $5000 tuxedo. Lando has Adam thrown out of the party so he's climbed through a neighbor's trees to get into the back yard and find Casey, thinking she's in trouble. The fence looks more like a zoo enclosure.
And I'm back to thinking Russell Tovey would be perfect for the role.
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EXT. LANDO’S BACK YARD - NIGHT
Adam rests in the crook of a tree and checks the tear. Oh, dear. Adam carefully looks around.
The arched fence runs from one end of the house around the wall to the other end. The party is visible inside.
ADAM
(mutters)
No one outside?
GUARD (O.S.)
Somebody up there?
-----------------------------
EXT. LANDO’S BACK YARD - NIGHT
Adam rests in the crook of a tree and checks the tear. Oh, dear. Adam carefully looks around.
The arched fence runs from one end of the house around the wall to the other end. The party is visible inside.
ADAM
(mutters)
No one outside?
GUARD (O.S.)
Somebody up there?
A flashlight beam dances through the leaves. Adam grimaces and then MEOWS like a cat...sort of.
GUARD (O.S.) (cont’d)
Hey, kitty cat, you don’t wanna be near that yard, trust me.
Adam MEOWS a question mark...and it starts to rain. He rolls his eyes and MEOWS, angrily.
He does not notice a big, black, curious PANTHER strolling up to gaze into the tree. What he does see is --
Casey and Lando kissing inside the house.
ADAM
Bloody hell.
GUARD (O.S.)
Okay, that wasn’t no fuckin’ cat! Boss, we got an intruder in the back yard.
TITO’S VOICE ON WALKIE-TALKING
(laughing)
Don’t worry, he’ll come out soon as he meets Gertrude.
GUARD (O.S.)
Don’t we want him alive?
Alive? What’s he mean? The panther softly growls. Adam looks around. He pulls out his glasses, puts them on and sees --
Gertrude as she ROARS.
ADAM
Oh, bloody hell, it IS a zoo!
Gertrude jumps at him, ripping the seat of his pants and cutting his butt! He scrambles up the fence, loses his grip and falls -- and his cummerbund catches on a wire.
ADAM (cont’d)
SCHEISSE!
Gertrude cocks her head.
Adam jostles back -- and the cummerbund snaps and he drops into the pool!
Gertrude watches.
Adam paddles and sinks in the middle of the deep end.
ADAM (cont’d)
Help! Can’t! Swim!
GUESTS bolt to the windows but stay inside. Lando comes out, followed by Casey. He stays under the porch awning as she grabs an umbrella.
LANDO
Shit, look what the cat dragged in!
CASEY
Lando, help him!
LANDO
It’s not that deep.
CASEY
It’s deep enough, idiot!
She takes a pool net and grabs Adam’s head with it. He almost pulls her in, so she pushes him to the shallow end.
Angelina comes out to be with Lando.
ANGELINA
Now that’s the way to make a party lively, Landy-baby.
Casey’s eyes shoots daggers at her. Gertrude growls.
Finally, Adam can stand up, but he’s tangled in the net, coughing and choking. The Tux’s pants are down around his hips, exposing those briefs.
Gertrude watches, fascinated.
LANDO
(calls into house)
Hey, everybody, you can tell he’s English. He wears pink panties.
ADAM
They’re...SALMON...colored! Where’re my glasses?
He finds half of the frame, snapped perfectly in the center. He puts it on to see Gertrude has the other half and is playing with it.
CASEY
Adam, come on out; she won’t hurt you.
LANDO
I dunno, his butt looks a lot like salmon patties.
Adam heads for the steps.
ADAM
Tell me, Lando, what’s it like to be named after a character in a science fiction movie? A great one, admittedly, but not even a primary character, merely a secondary one. Did your mum and da think so little of you, even then?
LANDO
The way your ass is bleeding, your mum and da won’t find any of you if you get out of that pool. Gertrude likes her steak tartare.
Adam notices Gertrude is pacing him, the other half of his glasses over one eye. He stays.
CASEY
Lando, cut it out. Send her away, already. Adam, are you all right?
ADAM
Oh...peachy. I was wondering what I’d do for a bath, tonight, though I seriously doubt Orisi will want his outfit back.
CASEY
Don’t worry about that. Dammit, Lando, send Gertrude to her cage!
LANDO
Naw, let her chase him around a little. She likes the exercise.
ANGELINA
Which side of the road do you run on, Andrew?
ADAM
It’s ADAM!
CASEY
Gertrude. House. HOUSE!
Gertrude looks at Casey, drops the half-glasses and sulks away.
Lando steps forward.
LANDO
Gertrude...wasser.
Gertrude looks at him then slides into the pool with a happy little growl.
Adam is out of the pool in nothing flat. He has to hold his pants up. The cut by his eye is bleeding, again...and he’s missing a shoe; it’s at the bottom of the deep end.
Casey dabs at the cut with his shirt collar.
ADAM
You knew about Gertrude?
CASEY
Yeah, he’s had her for years. What’re you doing here? I saw you leave.
ADAM
-- I thought I forgot something. My mistake.
He rounds the pool to pick up the mangled other half of his glasses and puts it on, with the other lens. Very cock-eyed.
He storms to the house then stops and spins.
ADAM (cont’d)
No -- no mistake.
ANGELINA
What DID you forget?
GUARD (O.S.) (cont’d)
Hey, kitty cat, you don’t wanna be near that yard, trust me.
Adam MEOWS a question mark...and it starts to rain. He rolls his eyes and MEOWS, angrily.
He does not notice a big, black, curious PANTHER strolling up to gaze into the tree. What he does see is --
Casey and Lando kissing inside the house.
ADAM
Bloody hell.
GUARD (O.S.)
Okay, that wasn’t no fuckin’ cat! Boss, we got an intruder in the back yard.
TITO’S VOICE ON WALKIE-TALKING
(laughing)
Don’t worry, he’ll come out soon as he meets Gertrude.
GUARD (O.S.)
Don’t we want him alive?
Alive? What’s he mean? The panther softly growls. Adam looks around. He pulls out his glasses, puts them on and sees --
Gertrude as she ROARS.
ADAM
Oh, bloody hell, it IS a zoo!
Gertrude jumps at him, ripping the seat of his pants and cutting his butt! He scrambles up the fence, loses his grip and falls -- and his cummerbund catches on a wire.
ADAM (cont’d)
SCHEISSE!
Gertrude cocks her head.
Adam jostles back -- and the cummerbund snaps and he drops into the pool!
Gertrude watches.
Adam paddles and sinks in the middle of the deep end.
ADAM (cont’d)
Help! Can’t! Swim!
GUESTS bolt to the windows but stay inside. Lando comes out, followed by Casey. He stays under the porch awning as she grabs an umbrella.
LANDO
Shit, look what the cat dragged in!
CASEY
Lando, help him!
LANDO
It’s not that deep.
CASEY
It’s deep enough, idiot!
She takes a pool net and grabs Adam’s head with it. He almost pulls her in, so she pushes him to the shallow end.
Angelina comes out to be with Lando.
ANGELINA
Now that’s the way to make a party lively, Landy-baby.
Casey’s eyes shoots daggers at her. Gertrude growls.
Finally, Adam can stand up, but he’s tangled in the net, coughing and choking. The Tux’s pants are down around his hips, exposing those briefs.
Gertrude watches, fascinated.
LANDO
(calls into house)
Hey, everybody, you can tell he’s English. He wears pink panties.
ADAM
They’re...SALMON...colored! Where’re my glasses?
He finds half of the frame, snapped perfectly in the center. He puts it on to see Gertrude has the other half and is playing with it.
CASEY
Adam, come on out; she won’t hurt you.
LANDO
I dunno, his butt looks a lot like salmon patties.
Adam heads for the steps.
ADAM
Tell me, Lando, what’s it like to be named after a character in a science fiction movie? A great one, admittedly, but not even a primary character, merely a secondary one. Did your mum and da think so little of you, even then?
LANDO
The way your ass is bleeding, your mum and da won’t find any of you if you get out of that pool. Gertrude likes her steak tartare.
Adam notices Gertrude is pacing him, the other half of his glasses over one eye. He stays.
CASEY
Lando, cut it out. Send her away, already. Adam, are you all right?
ADAM
Oh...peachy. I was wondering what I’d do for a bath, tonight, though I seriously doubt Orisi will want his outfit back.
CASEY
Don’t worry about that. Dammit, Lando, send Gertrude to her cage!
LANDO
Naw, let her chase him around a little. She likes the exercise.
ANGELINA
Which side of the road do you run on, Andrew?
ADAM
It’s ADAM!
CASEY
Gertrude. House. HOUSE!
Gertrude looks at Casey, drops the half-glasses and sulks away.
Lando steps forward.
LANDO
Gertrude...wasser.
Gertrude looks at him then slides into the pool with a happy little growl.
Adam is out of the pool in nothing flat. He has to hold his pants up. The cut by his eye is bleeding, again...and he’s missing a shoe; it’s at the bottom of the deep end.
Casey dabs at the cut with his shirt collar.
ADAM
You knew about Gertrude?
CASEY
Yeah, he’s had her for years. What’re you doing here? I saw you leave.
ADAM
-- I thought I forgot something. My mistake.
He rounds the pool to pick up the mangled other half of his glasses and puts it on, with the other lens. Very cock-eyed.
He storms to the house then stops and spins.
ADAM (cont’d)
No -- no mistake.
ANGELINA
What DID you forget?
LANDO
His brain.
ADAM
Lando, you should never try to speak without a script. It only reveals the limitations of your capacity to use the English language.
He returns to the tree, climbs up, and grabs the jacket. Gertrude watches him from the pool. Casey has disappeared.
LANDO
Hey, Adam, I didn’t know you could climb so good. Beef up a little, add an inch or two to your chin, I could use you as a double.
Adam drops back to the ground.
ADAM
Thanks, but I’ve already played the ass, once, tonight. That’s quite enough for a lifetime.
LANDO
Yeah, you were really -- whoa, what?
ANGELINA
Huh?
ADAM
Christ, y’know, fungus has more intelligence than the two of you, combined.
He storms to the house, dripping all the way.
ADAM (cont’d)
Step away from the madman!
The guests do. He heads out.
Gertrude eyes the opening in the fence.
ADAM
Lando, you should never try to speak without a script. It only reveals the limitations of your capacity to use the English language.
He returns to the tree, climbs up, and grabs the jacket. Gertrude watches him from the pool. Casey has disappeared.
LANDO
Hey, Adam, I didn’t know you could climb so good. Beef up a little, add an inch or two to your chin, I could use you as a double.
Adam drops back to the ground.
ADAM
Thanks, but I’ve already played the ass, once, tonight. That’s quite enough for a lifetime.
LANDO
Yeah, you were really -- whoa, what?
ANGELINA
Huh?
ADAM
Christ, y’know, fungus has more intelligence than the two of you, combined.
He storms to the house, dripping all the way.
ADAM (cont’d)
Step away from the madman!
The guests do. He heads out.
Gertrude eyes the opening in the fence.
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