About me...

I try to keep my life to myself, but today I just...I need to vent on a part of my life because that's tearing me up.

I am the main support of my half-brother, Kelly. He's just over 9 years younger than me, and he's always had emotional issues. Not mental, nor is he stupid. He may be undiagnosed ADHD or Autism or something; I honestly don't know. By the time these things started being looked for, he was well into adulthood and functioning. Hell, I honestly think, sometimes, that I'm dyslexic and just worked out a way to handle it on my own, because I keep getting things backwards or have to read a passage in a book over and over to get its meaning. I still will even glance at a headline and substitute a word I think is in there for the actual word and then have to stop and look very carefully to reset my brain. And I've always been prone to going left when told to go right.

But with Kelly...he's always been willing to work, but he's always had hygiene issues and a pathological fear of seeing a doctor or dentist. The latter cost him his teeth; he's now got dentures (which our sister paid for) and will need a new set, soon, because his gums are changing. But he still managed to hold down low-wage jobs and bring in enough to live one...until I moved up to Buffalo.

He was living with our mother and wound up having to take over as her caregiver, which was not good. It was way outside his capabilities. But our sister lived 50 miles away and our middle brother did not want to be bothered. When mom died, I started sending him money to live on, and at times he was able to get work...like with my brother-in-law and nephew, helping clean up homes they wanted to flip. But even that stopped, and he cannot find work anywhere, so I've been sending him enough to survive on for years.

I was able to maintain it through the Covid lockdown because I had some savings, unemployment, occasional packing jobs, and I cut down my expenses to the bone. But I had been paying down the debut I ran up during a long period of unemployment, years ago, and now it's ballooned, again. I'm at the point where I will be broke in a year and owe more than I can pay. Even with occasional jobs still coming in and the increase in my social security. But this time next year, Kelly will be old enough to apply for early social security, and he will be getting more than I can give him...so there's that.

I swore to my mother and myself I would not let him be homeless, and I've kept that promise. He lives in a small trailer my sister purchased for him, situated in a skanky lot on San Antonio's east side, but it's shelter. And between her and me, he's surviving. Now my nephew is working to get him help, which would mean him probably moving into an apartment that is rent subsidized. He'd also get SNAP and I could cut down what I'm sending him...but today I spoke with him, urging him to call a social worker my nephew had contacted...and he's resisting it. And I am having a shitload of trouble with that.

He has to call her in order to get the ball rolling on receiving assistance, and he says he will do so in the morning...but I don't believe he will. I've been pushing him on SNAP for years and gotten nowhere. I tried to get him on disability and he gave excuses and only did what I insisted on. And now? Now...now I'm close to losing it. When I was talking to my nephew about what could be done, it was like a window was opening up and I could breathe...and now it's shut in my face. And I don't know what to do. I feel like this slice of rock in the ocean, my years of life and layers slowly being worn away...and eventually I'll teeter over and collapse into the sea.

But if I stop supporting him, he'll be homeless in two months. On the street. My sister can't help him like I have. His only option will be to move to the Gulf Coast to live with her (which neither of them wants) or beg on the corner. I can't have that. I couldn't live with it. I don't have to worry about it, for myself. My apartment is subsidized senior living. I can close my credit cards and pay a minimal amount. Drive my 25 year-old car into the ground...then get a tricycle to go grocery shopping. Hope my health holds out. I have options. I don't like them, but I have them.

But FUCK. I'm so tired of this bullshit. So fucking tired.