Something's different...

...And I mean about me. Not sure why it's happened, just yet, but my attitude has shifted about APoS and I'm just letting it go as it goes. I'm not pushing or as worrying about getting it done as I was. I know there will be some intense changes through Books Two and Three, but what matters is Brendan seems to be letting me in more...seems almost to trust me not to fuck him over. Or let him fuck himself over. So it's working in a bit easier.

He's going to make mistakes and be a an asshole, sometimes; that's already established. He's both lost and focused as he rebuilds his life, if that makes any sense, but he can lean on me because I'm no longer freaked out about being exactly right in every detail.

I'd grown too focused on making sure everything was so correct, the people who'd lived through those times would think it was written by someone from the area...and that twisted me in knots. But suddenly that's gone and it's nice to know I can also trust myself, again.

Something I've finally noticed I did was tell Book One as if it's all coming from Brendan's head, so all that matters, really, is attitudes and phrases. He's not precise about anything in Derry because he's lived it his whole life. When he gets to Houston, it's all completely different and a bit scary, so he slips into more detail...but he's also fighting his way back to sanity and knowing his surroundings helps anchor him. And when he returns, the town is completely different even as enough of it is still the same, so it's disturbing to him.

But the change is not just with my writing. It's something more within me...and that's where I'm a bit unsure as to what's going on. The last few weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotion, for me, but it seems I've entered a long flat space of a breather and find I'm just not worried about people seeing things as I see them, or justifying myself to them.

I don't know if I'm putting this right. I was already at the point of blocking idiots on Twitter and Instagram and Tribel when they came at me with their bullshit. But that was only one of the stepping stones to this feeling I've got that my deepest wants and needs have changed.

I've enjoyed writing my gay erotica (which everyone but me calls porn) but now it's part of what I used to do. At the moment, I don't know that I will ever complete Blood Angel because it's locked into my wants, needs and desires of that past...and I'm headed down a different path.

When I'm done with APoS I'm returning to Dair's Window and writing about two men who find each other, lose each other through death, and work out a way to continue on despite that loss. In order to do that, I want to finish APoS this year. All three books. And get them set with a publisher. That is my only goal for 2023.

I know this post is a mess of thoughts and considerations, but I now know that it will all come together as it should, in the end. I know it will.