There's a point later in the story, when Brendan meets up with Colm for the first time since returning to Derry. At the circle fort in the Republic. Grianan Aileich. By which time he's been brutalized by some RUC constables who recognized him for who he really is. And...it...it's in the wrong place, in the story. But I don't know where the fuck to put it.
And the way it's written. It currently is like a couple of old friends who've met up and are remembering old times, and Brendan is numb at realizing how completely lost he is. And there was a tenderness to it.
Now?
Now the moment he's close to Colm he hits him. Colm's a better fighter so avoids the worst of the blow and spins Brendan around like he's a rag doll and shoves him to the floor of the fort. And Brendan goes up at him, again...to get spun around and held from behind as Colm growls, "What the fuck, Bren?"
"You knew!" Brendan says, voice cracking. "You knew she was alive! Knew what she meant to me and you said nothing! You never told me!"
Colm shoves Brendan away and snaps, "Told who? You didn't exist, anymore."
"She thinks I abandoned her! And she hates me. She fucking hates me." He grabs his head, almost keening. "It's all wrong. I shouldn't have come back. It's all wrong."
Colm sits by him and Brendan unloads everything. His confusion over how his mother hated him but still saved his life. Over learning his father might have been deliberately targeted by Protestants over something that happened before the man married Bernadette. Something that tore the man with guilt.
This bit has to wrap everything together in his mind...just before his mother dies and he is arrested by the British army, to be interrogated. And I fell like I've just been broadsided so hard, my car's torn in two...but I'm still expected to drive it.
Fuck.
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