Ripped out

I got the flow of OT going, again, to the point where I have a good, solid 245 pages / more than 55,000 words put together -- and I felt like that damn hummingbird had finally made itself known, only to suddenly have Jake reveal something he's brutally insecure about and shake me up so much, I had to back away.

To me, Jake has always been a wolf sitting on a rock, calm, ready for anything. He knows his world. He knows himself. He knows what he's done to survive, and what he can and can't do to keep on going. I thought. But now I'm not so sure. Because I suddenly saw the reason for me to start the story with his stepmother asking why he stays with Antony -- she's seen something that Jake can't accept, and when he finally does see it for himself, it tears him apart.

And makes him cruel. Something I never thought my Jake could be.

It's moments like this that scare me, a little. I'm writing along and things are flowing beautifully and I can see what's going to happen next...and it does...and it does...and then suddenly something pops out to reverse it all and reveal some new layer to the characters. And I don't know where the hell it came from. I wasn't planning it. But there it is, snarling at me.

This is what I get for pissing off the muse. She turns around and snarls, "Okay, bitch, you want it? You got it." Then she slaps me in face.

I shifted to another section of the story I'd already written and smoothed that over to where it would fit with what I have, so far, so I could get some distance from this new information. It's going in; I know that. And I can face it...because it makes Jake so much more human. I was idolizing him, too much. Making him more heroic than he needed to be. Now?

Jesus, now I have no idea.