Derry, Northern Ireland

Derry, Northern Ireland
A book I'm working on is set in this town.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Weird day...

Sometimes I think the only reason I'm still alive is because of all the characters who've come to visit me, in my head. Knocking gently and asking me to tell their story. Keeping me focused on them instead of my own selfish objections to this world. Some were gentle, some were harsh, some were fun, some were difficult, but all came and turned me away from building too much of a hate against humanity...or letting the animal in me take over.

It's odd to think I can be animalistic...but I've caught glimpses that could easily have become the defining factor in my world. I speak in a couple of my books about a beast inside that invades you and becomes your drug...and I know that came from me and my own creature. I use a wolf as my avatar on Facebook not because it looks cool but because it's what I almost became -- a hunter-killer out for itself.

With Curt in HTRASG, he saw himself as a lion prowling the streets...but he was really a jackal. With Alec in PM, a panther took over after he was gay-bashed and led him into committing some serious crimes. And in RIHC6, Antony talks about how complete control of someone else can be a drug that you feed upon and grows more and more demanding. He even seduces Matthew, an innocent...for the most part...into understanding it, and nearly joining him in it. The only reason Antony doesn't go deeper with it is Jake, who's in control of himself and is able to pull him back.

My scripts always tended to be careful. I tried to be as honest as I could with them, but I skirted the reality of the characters much more in them than in my books. I wanted them to sell...but wound up no selling them, anyway. That's a good aspect to my screenwriting failure -- it helped me see that you can't work for others when being creative; you can only work for yourself.

Of course, I also started writing books when I was adult enough to know that all people have a beast inside them. Every one of us. Some have it under control. Others do not...and this hideous exercise in tearing children away from families has brought home just how easy it is for that thing to take over. I've referenced it, before, and discussed it and pointed it out...but it's still unsettling to see it in true action. It makes you wonder about the whole idea of evil being banal when, in truth, it's cold and cruel and vicious and simple. And joyous to those who now wallow in it.

So is this what it's all about, Brendan? Is this why we've taken so long to build your story? No comparisons to Nazi Germany are needed to put across your point. No genocides in Armenia or North America. Just a simple brutal truth that too many men do not want to live in a decent society, but prefer the jungle to civilization. And always have. And always will.

And that motherfucking son-of-a-bitch in the White House is the epitome of that attitude.

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