Derry, Northern Ireland

Derry, Northern Ireland
A book I'm working on is set in this town.

Monday, July 31, 2023

Nice day...

Caladex bought me lunch for my birthday. Beef Teriyaki from a Japanese restaurant. It was damn good. I like Healthy Choice's, too, but theirs was much better. Then I bought groceries for my trip, tomorrow. Driving down to Hartford to pack some archives going to Scotland, then driving back. No more posting till I've returned, Friday.

I did some repotting of plants and hopefully did not kill them. I've never really done that, before, but I have a green pepper vine that's putting out little ones and was in a small pot. And my wandering jew is going nuts so that got redone. They all have plenty of water so we'll see how it goes while I'm gone.

I ate a whole cantaloup for dessert, this evening. Not a great one but tasty enough. Talked to my sister in Aransas Pass and brother in San Antonio and got lots of well-wishes on Facebook and Twitter. Had a lovely time correcting the flight for a trip to Seattle in October. The people at Caladex bought it because it's for the Seattle Book Fair, but they input my name wrong. I've got 2 Ls in Sullivan, not 1. That was real fun.

I'm thinking once I'm done at the warehouse on Wednesday, I'll try to visit the Mark Twain House in Hartford. Thing is, it's by guided tour only and I don't know when I'll be able to make it so can't pre-purchase a ticket. Guess I'll just show up and hope for the best. At least they should let me into the gift shop, right?

I've read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, but that's it. I keep meaning to do A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court but never get around to it. If they have a copy, maybe I'll buy it.

Sunday, July 30, 2023

Slavery and its benefits

Missing
has become about slavery. Apparently, some educators in Florida believe slavery was a good thing, for some. They learned trades and skills that could help them once they were freed. Seriously! Aside from the flat out depravity of that attitude, the main implication seems to be that it was only appropriate for non-White people and was more like a trades college.

I've already written one of my erotica novels about how slavery is just the laws of Capitalism taken to their logical extreme. In that book, Hunter has found he can get really rich by selling young men into sexual slavery. He starts out with lads from Mexico and Brazil and parts in-between, because no one in the US really gives a shit about them. And the Latino governments are so corrupt, no one will care...so long as the proper amount of money crosses the local politicians' palms.

Things don't go wrong for Hunter until he messes up an assassination and is arrested in Brazil. The people he was working for aren't happy with him and he's now on his way to hell...which I strongly hint is in Russia. But that's the pinnacle of truth, when it comes to Capitalism. If you're not in the top 100 wealthiest people in the world, you're just fodder for whatever they want.

Well, Missing has settled on that direction. All of the guys who've gone missing in the area will turn out to be enslaved in a male bordello. Where, exactly, it is I haven't figured out yet, but I'm leaning to atop a high-rise in the middle of an unnamed American city. And yes, it's going to be very non-con and explicit on the level of a Heavy Metal graphic novel. Just gay, not straight.

I used to love that magazine. It had some great artists in it -- Moebius, Giger, Druillet, Adams...amazing work, though much of it treated women as sex objects. All very dark, too. Well, I'm going more the Etienne route with a bit of Tom of Finland. Fun to be had, for me.

Saturday, July 29, 2023

Typical me...

Feeling better, thanks to Cipro. Who knows? Maybe I'll actually seem human by Monday, my birthday. At least I'm not as cranky or achy as I was.

I tried to push prepping BA for immediate publication in ebook but realized I need to go through it carefully for typos. I'm the king of the damn things. And prepping the cover is going to be a bit more complex because I'm adding another face to it and have other ideas...so I'll deal with it when I get back from this latest trip.

I should learn I cannot push too hard on whatever I'm writing. I'm too prone to mistakes. Inconsistencies. Repetitions. Moments that make no sense. Missing words. It's depressing that it happens...but at least I catch them. Most of them.

I'm deliberately waiting to go over the notes for APoS till I get more feedback in. Two other people are reading the book to let me know what they think. It hasn't been easy to wait, but I'm making myself hold off till Labor Day. After that, I want to get immersed into it, again, with all the possible corrections and suggestions, update the story and then let it sit till the end of the year. Get to work on the Houston section.

I've decided to aim for publishing all of it in 2024. Set up part 1 in the first quarter of the year, part 2 in the summer, and part 3 around Christmas. All in hardcover and ebook. I'll think about the paperback editions after it's all done. That's the plan, as of now. It'll probably change forty-seven times before I'm done.

God, I'll be so glad to finish this project. I love Brendan and his journey, but it's become a lot of very demanding work and I just need to finish it for him. And me.

Friday, July 28, 2023

BA Second draft done

I finished a solid second draft of BA-The Prussian 001 and will go over it again, tomorrow, then set it u p for publishing on Smashwords in ebook. I think this is something like what the cover will be. I have a job I'm driving to in New Haven on Tuesday and want this out of the way by then. When I come back, I am doing no writing till the end of August.

Well...officially. I got my first set of notes back on APoS and the initial commentary was very good. I'll need to go through it to see what all she came up with, but seems once again I'm getting complaints about my use of ellipses. Or overuse, as they put it. Which I can see. I use the ellipses as a breathing point in the story, and it's really not working as well as I'd like.

I'll remove most of them from BA tomorrow, too. But I'm not doing a major rewrite, as I'm prone to do. I get lost in them and they don't really add anything except time to the project.

Except...(note the ellipses) with APoS I do think the massive number of rewrites helped me hone the story style and information down to a good degree. I was getting too lost in the minutia of the time and place, and letting the people slide, for the first several drafts. Now it's set and ready to be updated and then set aside for a few months while I work on the Houston part.

I'm finally feeling better, thanks to the Cipro. I did develop a nagging tickle in my chest but it's gone. Took a Covid test, just to be safe, and totally untouched, so it might just have been a reaction to the smoke from Canada.

Anyway, tomorrow will be busy so I'm looking forward to it.

Thursday, July 27, 2023

Creaking along...

Didn't sleep well, last night, so all out of sorts through today. Cipro is taking its time to work, though I do wonder if it's making me hungry. Yesterday I bought some California Roll sushi for lunch, today...but ate it last night. With extra Wasabi and soy. And an apple. 

Blood sugar is way crazy, right now, but what's crazy is I could eat another serving of it, right now, and would. Except I don't want to go out. I'm not dressed or presentable in any way.

I become morose when I get sick, and having to wait on test results to come back from the lab on my urine sample adds to it. I don't want to focus on anything except what I can't do. Like have a cup of hot tea right now because it'd be too close to when I took a dose of Cipro, and I make it with milk. Or needing to hit the bathroom every half-hour. Or taking a dump 3 times...again, thanks to the anti-biotic.

I need to finish up the last bit of BA-The Prussian and upload it to Smashwords, but I just cannot seem to make myself hunker down and do it. I open it up then find something else to do. Something completely unimportant. I've taken avoidance to the realm of an art-form, it seems. I'd like to think this is normal for a writer...for anyone in an artistic endeavor...but maybe I'm just burnt out. And can't even get this last little thing done.

It's just, I do want to finish APoS. All three volumes. I want to finish Dair's Window. BA is fun, in a way, but it's really just mm erotica. No deep meaning to it beyond keeping it locked in historical context. None of my stories are just about the sex, which is why I get irritated when they're referred to as porn. That description is a limitation on them...even as it's partially correct. Dammit.

Fuck, I'm truly a cranky beast of an old man.

Wednesday, July 26, 2023

The fucking joy of fucking aging...


My not feeling well drove me to see a doctor and I've been set up for some tests and put on an anti-biotic. Cipro. A 10 day regime, 5 days before my birthday. This growing old shit is growing old. But I didn't realize how much it was messing with me or how wound up I'd become over the last weeks in trying to help at least a little in Ukraine's situation...not till this came on the radio as I drove home.

The hosts were talking about how in 1922 Serge Koussevitzky asked Ravel to orchestrate Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhibition for a full orchestra. It had originally been written for piano. To illustrate how it worked, the whole of The Great Gate of Kiev was played...and I had tears streaming down my face, as I drove.

Mussorgsky was a Russian composer responsible for some magnificent music. Night on Bald Mountain. Boris Gudunov. From an aristocratic family outside St. Petersburg, he ranks with Tchaikovsky, Shostakovich, Rimsky-Korsakov, Prokofiev. All of them did music I love, but because of Russia's terrorism in Ukraine, I feel wrong about loving them, because all of them were supporters of Russian exceptionalism...that Russia is supreme and all other countries her lesser.

I still haven't reconciled my love for Anna Karenina, War & Peace, Brothers Karamazov, The Lower Depths, Crime & Punishment, and The Cherry Orchard with Russia's animalistic brutality in Ukraine. Then there are aspects of my own writing that include Russian connections...like naming Daniels fictional detective Ace Shostakovich in The Lyons' Den. I'd like to think one can separate an artist's creations from his life, but you can't really. They inform his choices, and all of these men were very Russian in their work.

Maybe that's why I was weeping -- the beauty of that music echoing the place where it's set and knowing the artist was a strong supporter of Russia's egotism that's led, so many times over the years, to genocide of entire culture, and death. It hurts in so many ways. But one positive thing about this piece is, its meaning has taken on being in support of a free Ukraine, and that makes it wonderful in ways never expected by Mussorgsky.

Monday, July 24, 2023

X marks the fucking nuts

Dear God, what a desecration Twitter has become, now that it's X (which I hear is in violation of a trademark Microsoft has on that letter used for a social media platform). The supposed discourse has become completely insane. I've blocked more MAGAt fools, today, than in the last six months because I'm no longer willing to even give them the time of day.

Jesus, the stupidity it takes to be one of those people. The deliberate refusal to pay attention to reality. The lies and misrepresentations and accusations and them laughing at us as if they think they caught us in a boo-boo, then when we back up our post with facts suddenly spitting out word garbage to deflect from it or call names. 

Favorite cat-call lately? Groomer. Why? Because I'm progressive in my politics and support the Trans Community and Drag Queens. Never mind it's MAGAts getting caught grooming and raping kids, and hoarding kiddie porn. Priests, ministers, youth pastors, cops, teachers, coaches, politicians, all over the country. Not one word about any of that, from them. Just blaming Trans people and Drag Queens for it all.

I stay on because I can hear the latest news from Ukraine and get the current stats. No other platform seems readily available for them to use, there, and the media has all but moved on from the slaughter and destruction in that country. Yeah, the center of Odesa was bombed to hell and people sunning on a beach were hit, too, killing a child, and a port on the Danube was blown up, but have you heard the latest about the uproar from Ben Cohen over the Barbie movie? And it's not just American news; it's also the BBC and al-Jazeera. Shit, it's sickening.

I got caught up in it and did no writing, today. And now I'm sure my blood pressure is through the roof. So I'm taking tomorrow off, having a nice lunch out and a Bloody Mary, and dreaming of the day we can finally kick those motherfuckers to the curb.

If Mother Nature doesn't beat us to it.

Sunday, July 23, 2023

Rough day but Missing #6 done

I worked out frame #6 of Missing and posted it on BDSMLR. It's on the busy side but it's damn close to what I wanted. I thought I had frame #7 & 8 sketched out, but they don't work, anymore, so that's ahead of me. I still don't know where this is going -- slaving like in Hunter, rape and kick out like in Bobby Carapisi, serial murder like in Underground Guy, providing DNA for an advanced civilization like in The Beast in the Nothing Room. It can go any direction and I won't know where until I get there.

The nice thing about doing the sketch is it took me out of my depressed frame of mind. I'm torn up over the slaughter and destruction in Ukraine, at the hands of Russian beasts, and horrified at how the West will do nothing to stop it.

Odesa was bombed. People killed and injured in their homes. A cathedral considered a World Heritage Site seriously damaged. All deliberate. Hyper-sonic missiles fired by ships and submarines in the Black Sea, well out of range for anything Ukraine has to fire back. We're standing aside and letting Russia destroy another country while doing jack shit in response.

We once swore, "Never again." Obviously, we did not mean it, since this is not the first country Russia has brutalized without response.

I also felt bad, today. Not sure why. Probably just has to do with getting old and being broke...facing bankruptcy. If I'm allowed to file. My laptop acting up. My desktop acting up. Having to find ways to work around their new limitations. Having trouble focusing on writing anything. Taking 2 hours to talk myself into doing that sketch for Missing. I guess I've finally burnt out.

I'll post this section of Blood Angel within the next couple weeks. Then I'm spending August watching DVDs and reading. See the Hitchcock movies I haven't seen, like Under Capricorn. Some film noirs, like Detour. The whole 12 years of Big Bang Theory and all of the reboot of Battlestar Galactica. See if that will recharge my batteries.

Saturday, July 22, 2023

Refocused...

After working on the section leading up to Léon befriending Franz in hopes he'll agree to become a Blood Angel with him, I realized it needs to be broken into four parts. In and of itself.

Part one is Léonidès feeding on a murderous German soldier, then finding Franz tending to his horse and sensing he shares Léon's lineage. So he takes him back to a chateau he's bought near Metz and discusses helping Gregory get permission to change Meron, his familiar, into a vampire companion. At the moment, this is just under 17,000 words.

Part Two is Léonidès seducing Franz into being with him, even though there are indications he's not geared towards men. This becomes viciously evident when he becomes a Blood Angel and turns out to be a real bastard. Only his high-born manners kept him in check. Now they're gone.

Part Three is Léonidès seeking out Gabrielle, his sister, and offering a swap: Franz for her BA mistake, Dmitriy. She sort of agrees but cannot be trusted. Their meeting is in Korea. Léonidès finds an American soldier to feast upon, Ian, but instead decides to make him a familiar, until Prior Pious shows up. This part is pretty much written and is nearly 19,000 words.

Part Four, would be Gabrielle realizing Franz is a real handful for her, too, but she is cruel enough to tone him down. She keeps Dmitriy, as well, to use against Franz.  Léonidès gets the feeling Franz is not so much controlled as biding his time, and does wind up tricking Gabrielle into releasing him...then vanishes.

The section that comes after this is set during WW2, beginning in Poland in 1939. I already have 10,000 words written on that. I think it will be a single part.

After that is New Orleans in 2005, after Katrina. I'm shifting my screenplay into this, focusing on Gabrielle and her desire for a young jazz musician named Tristan Lee.

And then, modern day, when Leonides goes head to head with Franz and maybe the Oiym. But that is way down the road.

Not sure how the last one will break up, while Katrina looks very much like a 2-parter. I'm doing them all in ebook, only. Once they're done, I'll decide on whether or not to make a paperback. If I do, it'll be Stephen King sized. So that or I do each section as a volume...which I don't really feel great about.

But as I said, that's a long way down the road.

Thursday, July 20, 2023

Sidetracked

This is what I did today. Possibly going to oversee the collection of 117 boxes and then repacking them into bulk containers for overseas shipment. Took configuring some configuration to make it work with some containers we have. Also worked out the costing for me to go.

Had family stuff, as well, and needed to go searching for Dr Pepper Zero since I was almost out and neither of the Tops or Walgreens I went to had it. Found it at a Dollar Store. It's funny how intent I was on getting it. 

Also did some preliminary work on having some books collected from a location in the UK, packed and shipped to the US. We have a guy over there who can handle it, well enough. It's just finding out when he's available and when the books will be ready to go. So brain was fuzzy by the time I was done with everything, because I wasn't really in the mood for it.

But...it made for a great excuse to avoid writing...

Wednesday, July 19, 2023

Typical Dyslexic fool...

I may have been misunderstanding myself for all my life. I'd always thought I should try harder, be smarter, push longer, keep trying and on and on to build a career in film. I feared I was becoming a workaholic. And no matter what, always felt completely inadequate. But today I saw a video on Instagram that got me to wondering.

The guy making the video is an English rugby player who I used as the model for Barry Cowan in The Beast in the Nothing Room. Name's Keegan Hirst. He came out as gay after being in a marriage and having kids. He's retired from rugby and does personal fitness and empowerment coaching, and I enjoy listening to him because his enthusiasm is nice and his Yorkie accent is lovely.

But in this video he references a book called The Best Little Boy in the World by Andrew Tobias, and it notes that gay men try to overcompensate in whatever they do for being gay. I don't do that. I never have. I get by. I do what I need to. I procrastinate until the last minute then use that as an excuse if what I do doesn't turn out great. I lose interest and beat myself up for not being better...and for not trying harder...even though I just plain do not really want to try very hard.

I whine. I bitch and gripe about myself. But reality is, I have to fight to make myself hunker down and do the work that is needed, and then do only what is absolutely necessary. It's like the opposite of that syndrome, even though for years I was convincing myself I was a workaholic in pursuit of writing a perfect screenplay to get things started. Only I really wasn't.

I now see that most of the trouble I had in writing A Place of Safety stemmed from my unwillingness to really do the work. I did what was necessary then I'd zone out or fade into something different and now I'm finally seeing just how hard I worked at doing nothing more than just getting by. The apathy I'd been fighting was just me falling back into my normal mindset of, "Why bother?"

I don't know quite what to make of this, yet; I'm still processing it. I don't think I'm being fatalistic or nihilistic or elegantly melancholy...but finally seeing what I'm not may have actually let me acknowledge what I really am. It's not lazy. It's not untalented. It's not apathy. It's an understanding that no matter what I do, it will not work out. So don't get too invested in whatever it is you're trying to achieve so you don't get too hurt when it falls apart.

It's a protective measure.

Tuesday, July 18, 2023

15 pages

Another short section of BA, done. A bit of background alluding to Book One and some information about Leonides' followers -- Gregory, Loronce, Stephane, Doric, Tellis and Reyndahl. All regular vampires and happy to be part of his gay troupe. It's 800 years after they joined together, and over that length of time they've become quite wealthy. They were also turned when they were in their 20s, albeit of the course of a few centuries, so they're almost like a good-looking Gen Z group, even though it's 1870.

Gregory also has Meron, a duòlos (a slave) he turned during the Battle of Borodino, when Napoleon's army beat the Russian forces but suffered so much damage they were never able to fully regroup. Meron was a French captain wounded in the fighting and Gregory saved his life. They're also a couple, as much as they can be.

A duòlos is a step up from a familiar but not a vampire. He lives to serve the one he considers his lord and can handle whatever the vampire needs to be done during the day, like Renfield did but without the feasting on spiders and flies. Sunlight doesn't affect him. In the Korea section, Leonides will hire a vampire captain (I may make him a BA, too) to pilot his ship from Hong Kong to Marseille, and his crew will be made up of duòlos sailors. 

Gregory wants to make Meron into a vampire, but he needs permission for the process from the Oiym, the rulers of the vampire world. At this point in time, they have forbidden vampires from turning humans; they may only feed until true death. But Léon thinks he can get them to agree to Gregory's wish. Gossip is, he's the Oiyms' favorite...much to his sister's displeasure.

Oh, and contrary to my intention not to do so, I've completely rewritten the first chapter. Shifted parts of it into chapter 2. I should learn never to say never.

Monday, July 17, 2023

Bad Kyle...

Did some rearranging in my apartment then hopped out to hit the bank and Goodwill and then groceries, and a couple of DVDs from a second hand shop. Found a table at Goodwill to put some plants onto, then had a bit of low blood sugar so had to take a break at Tops to have a candy bar. After that, came home and fed myself and dealt with the blahs that usually follow...until almost 10pm.

Suddenly I started jonesing for a Big Mac, like a pregnant woman with a craving. There's a 24 Hour drive-thru one about a mile from me so I hopped in my car and actually sat in line for half an hour, playing solitaire on my phone, then got my Big Mac meal (medium, with a really bad DP), scooted home, and I've just finished scarfing it down. You'd have thought I'd had a couple joints or edibles or something. I'll be up peeing half the night, but I don't care.

Didn't get anything done on BA except digging up the list of characters I'd done for the first part. I'd forgotten a couple of the vampire's names. Reminded myself of them and what their role is in this. I also worked out that I'll probably need to do a section between book one and this one, so I'd better be calling it book three. Then I'll get to book two when I get to it.

Got a bit of positive feedback already on APoS. Just a quick email from one reader telling me they loved how I was telling the story. Not sure what the full meaning of that is, since my paranoid side is making it into a sort of Love your style but hate the story, kind of thing.

Oh, I did spend some of the day pushing back at people on Twitter, Instagram and even Facebook who are trying to get Ukraine to give up the fight against Russia's terrorism. Seems they really went into high gear now the Kerch Bridge had been hit, again. And dealing with RFK Jr. tossing in his anti-Ukraine-pro-Russia pennies into the mix. That anyone thinks that man is worthy of any attention...hell, anything...is beyond me.

Sunday, July 16, 2023

Bric-a-brac...

Cleaned and posted a new sketch for Missing. Still in the safety zone for posting but getting closer and closer to the NSFW area. I'm still not sure how this is going to work out in the end...but so far it's filling my prurient needs. Even my ancient version of PhotoShop is working well for me, on my old Mac Mini.

I'm going to need a new computer, soon, I know. I'm just waiting to see what happens with Kelly, my brother, before I make any plans. I also need a new phone. The one I'm currently using is owned by Caladex and I can't expect them to subsidize me when I'm not working for them, anymore. I keep it, now, because I use it for trips and maintaining contact with clients since I'm not in the shop. That can't go forever.

I've looked into bundling one with Fios and Verizon, but they would want me to open a new account, not just add it onto my account. Meaning I'd have to remove the information freeze on my credit so they can check it. I've had the fucking service for more than 13 years and they're pulling that shit? No way. I may check with Cricket and just get a pay as you go phone or something connected to a credit card.

I'm not reworking the first section of Blood Angel. I'm not falling into that trap, again, rewriting my writing after I've rewritten it forty-seven times. It's a tool of avoidance and I want this book done before Labor Day. The first book came out a year ago, so that's good timing. And I'm hoping I'll get my feedback on APoS by then so I can do a polish, get it completed and shift to the second volume. 

I'm also thinking of doing illustrated editions of some of my books, like were done during the Victorian era in England. Or not. I honestly won't know until I do it, but it keeps me looking forward instead of just giving up.

Saturday, July 15, 2023

Opening of "Blood Angel-The Prussian"

There's a certain coldness I've noticed in this story. Got an idea where it's coming from; just don't know if it's counter-productive, but it's worked its way into the narrative. And is staying. This is the prelude before Léonidès sees the young cuirassier, who actually becomes the Prussian in the story.

-------

I sensed him before I saw him.

Felt him drawing me to him, silent in his demand. 

Unquestionable. 

Insistent as a stunning need welled up within and softly entwined itself around my neck, as one would a rope on a dog. It led me along a winding, rutted country lane in the east of France, twisting and curving through an area of forest thick with shadows. Dashes of sunlight barely sliced through the quiet gloom. This new demand upon my very being...this quiet scream that I must continue on this path despite the mud and horse shit and filth that layered it far too much...I could not have ignored it had I even wanted to. 

Being a Blood Angel instead of a mere vampire, the sun mattered little to me. I could walk freely through the height of day with minimal discomfort, with even that minor issue cast aside by a fine hat and long cloak...or coat. Frock coat, to be precise. It being 1870, one should use the proper vernacular, and I prided myself on keeping up with the times...and fashion. 

I cut a fine, healthy figure in a waistcoat and trousers, without pleats, done in the ditto style using a simple brushed wool. Plain white shirt with a pressed collar. Good walking boots. Were a bowler on my head instead of a wide-brim country hat, I could have been walking down the Champs-Elysées instead of a road near Mars-la-Tour. 

It was late in the day, when the air grows soft and gentle and the world begins to settle. When peace tries to make herself known, even in the face of the best efforts of mankind. I was being drawn down this path by something far more demanding than mere hunger. That had been well-satiated not an hour earlier, thanks to a strong young man who had been in the process of deserting the Prussian forces. His face had been pleasant enough; his shoulders broad; chest full and dashed with hair; a fine form down to his hips, which were a bit wide; a belly trim but not flat. But also a nice round ass and solid legs promised to feed the needs of my dick as well as my belly, and seeing he had murdered an unwary peasant so he could swap the man's clothing with his own ragged uniform had merely sealed the deal. 

That may seem odd, coming from one such as myself, but it had become my most sacred rule -- feed only on those deserving of punishment. Thieves. Murderers. Maniacal soldiers caught by bloodlust in the midst of a war or occupation of a populace. Those who would not be missed or whose absence could easily be explained away. We lived in a time where the regard for human life was at a minimum, so there was always some conflict underway where one could forage. 

This rule also applied to my pack, all of whom were only vampires. And all of them male, thanks to the predilection of their maker. Six young men turned to be his companions over the course of a few centuries, all taken while still young and handsome. All focused on sexual encounters with other males. All kept hidden in his monastery. That I removed them from his limited sphere of influence was my first positive act. 

Over the last eight-hundred years, we had been nothing but a troupe of seven young men traveling about the land. Hardly considered unusual. Especially as we were well-dressed, well-mannered, and most important of all -- well-monied. Gold in hand always brings forth the most proper of manners, even amongst inn-keepers...as well as men who foolishly thought they could remove it from us, along with our lives. Which gave us plenty to quietly feed upon, so no need to cause trouble or raise suspicion. 

This made us an anomaly in the vampire world. Prevailing gossip had determined I was either the leader of a small sect, or a Padishah with his male concubines. Odd creatures unwilling to be proper monsters like they. I didn't care. All that mattered was the protection of my clan, and for these centuries we had passed through Europe unmolested while others had been caught out and destroyed by those they fed upon. Even the Oyim, the leaders of our kind, had come to see my care and caution made far more sense than feasting like wild animals. 

The soldier who became my meal, that evening, was Helffing. I think that was his surname, but in these times, one could never be certain. He had just finished pulling on the dead man's pantaloons, which were nice and tight on him. When he squatted over the peasant's body the pantaloons scooted halfway off his ass, showing hair swirled across its cheeks and there was a tuft of it at the base of his spine. He was shoving the peasant into his Prussian uniform, which was odd. The dead man had been at least twice his age, with streaks of white hair across his head and around his chin, and much thinner. Also, his left leg was malformed and a crutch of a sort lay close by. On top of this, the way his head rolled on the dirt and how his clouded eyes stared up at the sky told me Helffing had snuck up and broken his neck, despite having a sharp-looking knife strapped to his belt. It would have been much easier to slit the old man's throat or stab him... 

Oh, but Léonidès, think; this way there is no blood on his clothing. That was almost clever, though no one would believe for a moment that the dead man had been a Prussian soldier. But then I noticed a tangle of sticks and twigs close by. The old man apparently had been gathering them. Did Helffing plan to put the body on it and set the wood alight? Most of it was green and wet, so that would be very difficult to do. 

He rose to a crouch and began striking his flint, aiming the sparks against his old uniform. The material soon caught alight. He crouched over more to blow on it, revealing more of his ass, then a small flame danced up. He shifted the branches and twigs and wood to atop that. They began to crackle and burn. Well...that's one way to hide a body. Destroy it. I had done that so many times, myself, when no other option was available. Helffing seemed to have had practice at this...except he kept his boots. Worn as they were, they had still once been well-made. Not smart; you could be accused of robbing corpses, my lad, and hanged. 

Finally, he rose to his full height and I smiled. He struck a powerful figure. Stocky. Solid. Healthy. From his shoulders to his hips and that round ass still slightly revealed under the pantaloons. Except for a ragged beard, he was exactly what I wanted...and not merely to feast upon.

So I jumped him, from behind.

Friday, July 14, 2023

Am I just tedious?

I got into a bit of a back and forth over someone telling me that the reason I tend to procrastinate is that I'm reacting to some suppressed trauma. And that if I knew what the trauma was, I'd get past it and stop being so whiny and tedious. Sent me this to back it up.

From a trauma perspective, procrastination may occur when certain parts of a traumatic memory that has not been processed fully are unconsciously triggered. An individual may not be able to understand why they put things off, or have a strong emotional response to being asked to do something.

Well, yes, I have been traumatized, but I remember it, fully. So that ain't the deal. I finally got the feeling they were trying to find out what it was, and I have no interest in sharing it with anyone. Hell, there's some members of my family don't even know about it. Actually, most members, now. 

I will say, it is one of the reasons I have serious problems maintaining any sense of self-confidence or certainty in my abilities. But I've been in therapy, years worth, and that didn't help one damn bit. What actually did finally do me some good was writing How to Rape a Straight Guy. It took some of that psychological bullshit off my shoulders and let me see a new path.

People call the book porn, but they haven't read it. They only think that because of the title and that it has gay sex in it, mostly non-con. (And that person also dissed it as just a sex book. Again, without reading it.) It's not an easy book, I grant you, but the main character, Curt, is going through an almost existential crisis and is careening towards insanity...but actions he takes...hideous actions that hurt other people...force him to confront how dangerous he's becoming...and he pulls back. Just enough to stop and protect someone whose life he's already pretty much fucked up. And feel sorry for it. And change his direction. He still winds up back in prison as a double murderer, but he finally knows who he is and how he hurt himself, and indications are he will not hurt anyone else.

I've had reviewers tell me how shocked they are at the end of the book, because they feel sorry for Curt despite his really quite evil actions.They also understand him. That helped me more than anything.

It makes me think that maybe, someday, that can happen for me.

Thursday, July 13, 2023

Still dancing with BA...

I think I'm going to keep the section of Blood Angel that I'm working on in 2 parts, after all. I don't want these bits to be too massive, just something like 20-25K in wordage, but I'm still open to either way. Right now, I'm working on the Prussian part to see if it will flow into the Korea part...but at the moment I'm feeling a hard break coming at the point where Léonidès realizes he has to do something about Franz, now that's he's been turned and revealed that for all his manners and grace, he's a monster at heart.

I'm still wondering if I should do sketches to go with parts of the story...like when Léonidès is watching Franz tend to his injured horse...or when Léon grabs his first meal in the Prussian section. I'm getting some serious fantasy crap out of the way with this story, seeing as how Léonidès grabs a deserter after the man's murdered an peasant, then bathes him and rapes him and kills him, then buries him to be like fertilizer.

I'm letting this book go over the top in its brutality. Just to let off some steam after arguing with idiots on Twitter, Instagram and even Facebook, now. To be honest, a streak of this cruelty has always been inside me, lying dormant as if waiting to burst into reality. I've caught glimmers of it rousing a couple of times, but overall I kept it back. I don't want to hurt anyone, so I won't let myself go, due to that danger.

What convinced me I had the need to be careful was when I went to meet with an actor who wanted to be in The Wilderness Rule, a movie I wrote for a guy named Anthony Lo Presti to direct. Overall the film project was a disaster. Poor planning on my part. Unwillingness to postpone to get better prepared. A director who didn't know jack shit. The actors were good and gave far more than they needed to, but I let things collapse into chaos.

Anyway, Lo Presti and I drove up to Dallas from Houston to meet the actor and let him read for us. I fed him lines. We did a bit of the script where he was begging for his life...and he was good. Damn good. But what jolted me was something animalistic roared up deep in my chest, and if Lo Presti hadn't been there, I could easily have lost control and jumped the guy like a beast. Not my favorite memory, nor has it happened, since...because I won't let it. Won't put myself in that situation, again.

That's what my writing helps keep at bay...the beast within me. When I wrote The Beast in the Nothing Room, I was the beast, at times. Now, maybe, I'm too old to be...but never hurts to be careful.

Wednesday, July 12, 2023

Blood Angel

I got restless ... sort of like going through withdrawal from writing ... so I dug into a section of Blood Angel that I'd written about a year ago. Set in 1870-72 It has Léonidès finding another Blood Angel who could be a companion to him, a handsome young Prussian soldier named Franz, and he lets his dick do the thinking.

The way Blood Angels work, when they are turned from human to vampire they lose all of the lies they tell themselves about themselves. Their true nature comes to the fore. Gabrielle, Léon's sister, learned this the hard way when she was in Moscow during Napoleon's march on Russia. She met a young man named Dmitriy, knew he was of the BA lineage, took him to bed and then turned him to be her mate.

Only Dmitry was lying to himself. Forcing himself to be with women because he really preferred men. So once he was turned, any interest in Gabrielle vanished...except for her money. But she's stuck with him. He and Léon get long well, and she could let her brother have him, but she's filled with anger and more than a little jealousy at how easily Léon is working his way through the world. 

She also believes, not without reason, that Léonidès is the favorite of the ruling caste of vampires, the Oyim. So she's mainly being contrary just to punish both men. They still get together, now and then, but Dmitriy cannot leave her unless she allows it.

Still, knowing how this happened Léon still becomes obsessed with Franz and turns him before really understanding him. And finds the truth of Franz is he's something of a monster. His family is aristocracy and he now sees no limits to what he can do. He's smart enough to wreak havoc with Léon's preference that he and his crew only feed on those deserving of death, and knows not to go so far that the Oyim will step in to stop him. 

So Léon goes looking for his sister to offer a trade, since Franz is very female oriented and the only way he can have the guy in his bed is by near rape. He travels to London, has some fun with Dmitry and learns Gabrielle is en route to Korea to find, seduce and turn a young American Marine. So there he goes to track her down. It's world travel as done in the 1870s style, slow yet romantic. With lots of brutality along the way.

I'm thinking I may just go ahead and put this out, next month. It would be a year after the first volume was released, and that will always be book one. This one, I think I'll subtitle The Prussian. I'll consider it some more, tomorrow. It's only about 80% complete ... but could be done.

Tuesday, July 11, 2023

Smashwords ebook sale


I've got 12 ebooks up and running on Smashwords, and 5 of them are free during their July sale. Goes through the end of the month.

The Vanishing of Owen Taylor

The Lyons' Den

The Alice '65

Bobby Carapisi

Carli's Kills

The rest, which are my gay erotica books, are $0.99 each. There's Sci-Fi/Horror, Murder Mystery, Vampire, Suspense, and Revenge.

My main goal was to get the free ones read since they had fallen off in sales, and it not only worked but pumped up sales of my other books. Is this a kind of marketing ploy?

Monday, July 10, 2023

Three Beta Readers

This should prove interesting. I now have three people reading APoS to give me feedback and check for typos. Past experience shows they each will fine something incorrect that the others do not or miss, and then will come making sense of it all. But I doubt I'll do that till after Labor Day. I want to decompress.

I haven't been able to focus on anything, yet. Not book or movie. No research into launching APoS once it's done. Didn't even send out agent queries. Just floated between Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Took a nap. Watched cat and dog videos. Avoidance stuff.


I'm unsure about joining Threads because I don't know that much about it, and to be honest I trust Zuckerberg about as much as I do Musk, which is not at all. I stick with Twitter for contacts with the Ukrainian crowd to see how their fight against Russia's terrorism is going, and to bitch at Biden for not sending F-16s and more Patriot batteries to help defend the country. I fear for Zelenskyy and wish Putin would just die, already. But he won't; he's one of those people who knows they'll go to hell once they're dead so is postponing it as much as possible.

On the shallow side of this, my favorite books were by Russian authors -- Tolstoy, Chekov, Turgenev, Dostoyevsky -- and I can no longer appreciate them as much. This invasion has shown me Russia has always been a vicious, bloody, imperialistic force in the region, thanks to history being discussed by Ukrainian historians and scholars. I knew about the famine caused by Stalin, in the 20s and 30s, and how Ukraine fought the Nazis...and I knew about the war in Lithuania against the Bolsheviks just after WW1 thanks to Werner Schölndorff's Coup de Grâce, but that's about it.

Now I'm steeped in the horrors of Russia's subjugation of her neighbors, all to the glory of her own arrogant image, and I cannot view anything creative from there without that baggage.

Sunday, July 9, 2023

"Missing"

Just gonna post what I've done with Missing, so far. I have 5 more frames worked out, but still need to be inked in. After I scan them in I clean them up so they're crisp and neat.

It seems one a week is fitting to my current frame of mind. I'm not Tom of Finland or even Etienne, but it relaxes me. Gets my mind of my inner chaos. I doubt I'll make it into a coloring book...still, you never know.






Saturday, July 8, 2023

Done...and I do mean done...

I am finished with this section of APoS, unless there are typos or major problems with the story. I'm casting around for Beta readers to give me feedback and check for typos, but all I'm really interested in knowing is if the story holds together. I'm not doing anymore restructuring or serious rewriting. I can do that till I'm dead and never finish. So this is it.

Derry is 349 pages long; 136,210 words. Covering Brendan's life from when his father is murdered to when he is forced to leave Derry, 6 years later. It's all told from his POV and I tried my best to keep true to that while still slipping in some details about events of the time. I took some poetic license, here and there, but overall I think it works. 

Next is Houston, where Brendan tries to settle in but keeps finding he doesn't really belong. Then comes his Return to Derry, during the hunger strikes of 1981, when he has to reconnect with his family and friends on a low-key level but winds up being betrayed to the authorities and arrested for interrogation.

My brain is foggy, right now. I'm more that a little lost. No idea when I'll get back onto the story. I may spend a week or two learning something about advertising and selling the book myself. I honestly don't know. I think right now I'll just watch a movie.

Friday, July 7, 2023

Soon to be done.

If all goes well, I will have a final draft of APoS-Derry come Monday. Right now it's 350 pages and 136,000 words. I'm going shopping for readers to give me feedback. I am done rewriting it unless something is massively wrong in the structure of character consistency. And of course, my usual typos. I've learned not one of my tricks will keep them from happening, so I ask as many people as possible to read it and point out typos, and that seems to get 90% of them. No two readers ever find all the same ones.

My lack of success with an agent has me thinking I need to publish this book, myself. I'm tempted to do it in a hardcover with dust jacket and look into how best to publicize it. Maybe get a publicist or service to do that; I don't know, yet. Part of me wants to wait till next year to do anything, but I've been at it for so long I just want it done and gone. I don't hate the book but I am ready to move on.

So next comes Houston, which is at about the same level of completion as Derry was when I started heavy on it, then after that is Return, which is about 75% done. I'd like to have it all completed this year, but we'll see how that works out. It took me so damned long with Derry...

My right shoulder and neck are killing me, right now, thanks to me sitting at this desk and using a mouse at arm's length for days on end. Icy Hot and Tylenol work to minimize it, and I've got a setting on my shower head for pulsation, so it should be okay. Looking forward to it all.


Thursday, July 6, 2023

Avoidance is easy...

Not much done, today. I got lost in Twitter, Instagram and Facebook pushing my progressive agenda -- holding that orange POS, #45, accountable for his crimes; defending Ukraine against the Russian bots out to help destroy her; cheered on others who are fighting back against the right wing nut jobs; just the usual stuff that really doesn't mean much.

I did watch The Big Heat (1953) for the first time in decades...and was really disappointed. It was directed by Fritz Lang, who made Metropolis and M in Germany then Fury in the US, but it was nowhere near as intense as any of those movies...except in spots. 

It's about a cop investigating corruption in his city and how he runs up against crooks who own most of the city council. His wife is killed in a bomb meant for him and he goes off the rails to find the killers. It's got Gloria Graham as a gangster's moll and Lee Marvin as the gangster. This is the one with the infamous coffee scene.

I used to think that was on the overblown side. No one I knew let their coffee get that hot. But then McDonald's served coffee so hot it gave a woman 3rd degree burns through three layers of clothing. That shut me up.

What startled me about the film is that it didn't feel well-thought-out. It was lazy in its storytelling and direction, almost perfunctory. The camera set-ups plain and simple, nothing interesting to add to the tension. Glenn Ford was the cop and he seemed unable to understand who his character was. I honestly think he was miscast (maybe Dana Andrews would have been better), but Lang didn't do much to help him. Didn't do much to put his signature on the piece.

It got me to thinking about a movie made 2 years later, by William Wyler -- The Desperate Hours. About a family held hostage by some prison escapees and how the cops are slowly closing in on them, putting the family in greater danger. Frederick March and Humphrey Bogart were in that, so some pretty heavy-hitters. That film was non-stop tension and polished beyond belief. Didn't feel cheap or half-assed, at all.

It's almost sad to see Fritz Lang just going through the motions.

Wednesday, July 5, 2023

Back on track?

Went through a rough patch, the last 10 days. One of my, I'm quitting writing because I suck at it, phases. I get those, every now and then, and they're getting harder and harder to move past. I already know and accept I'm not the world's greatest writer, nor will I ever be. My command of the English language is basic, at best; hell, I'm still messing up with fucking commas, for cryin' out loud.

So I shut down, completely. Read Ryan O'Connell's Just by Looking at Him, and while I liked his style I didn't like the story or characters. They truly irritated me...but I finished it. I also did a lot of roaming over the web and decided to start posting a sketch a week for another possible coloring book called Missing. Which will be pretty pornographic. Working on that helped, and posting it on a porn site is even better. So far, still pretty vanilla, but I sort of know where it's going...even if I don't know how it will wind up, yet. So it'll get there.

But what finally got me back to work on APoS was deciding I was not doing another rewrite. I'm just inputting the red pen changes and notes, and that's it. I'm making them fit within that moment of the story, if they're additions or changes in structure, but I'm not going page by page. It's a cop out. I could do this rewriting shit till I'm dead and not be done with it, and that's not how to deal with this story.

I'm not Ernest Hemingway writing about his time in the Spanish Civil war. I'm not James Jones writing about WW2. I'm not Vladimir Nabokov proving his mastery of English even though it's his third language. I'm not James Joyce experimenting with novelization. I'm not even Jay McInerney, whose stories, characters and style I really like. I'm clumsy.

I leave out words and letters, or transpose them. I talk around issues and jump feet first into plotlines without knowing what they are or where they're going. My grammar is inconsistent because I haven't the focus to maintain control of it. I just have to accept that is how APoS will be told. Adequately. That's it.

It's the best I can do.