Me and my distractions...

Got busy with my expenses and invoices, today, and also called my youngest brother to talk. Seems I'm invited to see a cousin of mine who's visiting San Antonio. My sister'll be there, maybe a nephew, and possible my younger brother, with whom I haven't spoken since burying our mother, and another cousin. And there is no way in hell I'm going.

Helps that it's in a few days and air fares are insane, so I can say, Don't expect me, without seeming rude. But the fact is, even if I'd had plenty of warning, I would not have gone. That side of the family cut me off in 1987 after I was outed to them. They thought I had AIDs; I'm HIV negative. Still, I get no information from them. Don't know which of my cousins is married and which not, how many kids they have, grandkids, their addresses, anything. 

On the two occasions where I was informed of my uncle's and a cousin's deaths, I was specifically asked not to come to the funerals. I wasn't even told my aunt died till after she was buried (she was my mother's sister and converted to Catholicism when she got married). And I only found out another cousin had died, by accident. I still don't know when, where, how, why, anything.

They do not want me in their lives, and I'm finally okay enough with that. I visited my aunt once, some years ago, wanting to have a quiet talk with her...but she brought everyone in as if it were a big reunion, so that didn't happen. I left as soon as it was polite enough to. I was beginning to feel as if I had to make myself acceptable to them...or apologize for being who I am...or something, and I ain't doing that, no more. I am who I am, and it took me too damned long to be able to say that.

I used a bit of this when writing Everett's history, in APoS-NWFO. He reveals being ostracized by his family to Brendan after he's been made feel welcome at Aunt Mari's home, but coaches it as a warning. After he's gone, Brendan realizes Aunt Mari invited him in so she could work him out. She's uncomfortable that he's gay and warns Bren he may try to manipulate him into being gay, too.

Brendan rejects her worries but finds he's lost a bit of respect for his aunt. And later, she is the one who betrays him in ways unforgivable. But even at this early stage he knows that's how all people are, down deep. In the right place at the right time for the right reasons, anyone will stab you in the back.

Anyone.