Am I dishonest?

Or am I full of shit? I have to wonder, sometimes. I can think of nothing I've done where I truly feel I did my best. It's always done just enough....and that is not good.

Even with APoS, I think I avoided digging deeper into the story and characters by limiting it to Brendan's immediate awareness. Which also limited the scope of the story. Much is seen, but so much more is hidden.

That's not to say I'm not proud of the book; I am, very. It's an achievement I hold on to when I'm careening into my moments of self-loathing. And sense of worthlessness. And just plain anger at myself for not being fully present in my work.

If that makes any sense.

Anyway, until just after noon, I was feeling completely lost, unable to focus on either MQM or DW or anything. Really just bouncing off walls. But then a potential job in LA snapped me back into gear. Just a couple hundred books but of high value...

...Just like what Simon is doing. And I saw what I needed to focus on.

So I worked up an estimate for me to go there...and FWIW, air fares are insane and the schedules offered are ludicrous. Now they'll submit it, and we'll see how it goes. But at least it gave me a kick in the ass from the MQM side.

Simon is ready to work. I was close to junking the whole structure, but doing so would have collapsed the story into chaos and trying to make that work was affecting me and that's where my freak-out began...and he simply said, It's my story; shut up and let me tell it.

He wants me to keep the storyline I'd started and work off that. Make it fit in as smooth a way as possible. And he has provided the beginning of the meaning behind the story.

There is evil in the world, and it works in ways so soft and quiet you never notice it until you're trapped by it...and you have to become it to fight back. If you can.

Or something like that.