Have I gone as far as I can?

I'm a bit down, right now, because today I fell into looking back over my life and having one of those brutal moments of clarity at just how stupid I've been, over and over and over. I've never really thought things through before doing them, and never really understood their implications until years later.

Seriously, I bounced between one event and another without any plan or a clue as to what I'm doing. That helped fuck up a movie project in Houston. Helped me decide to go to college for film instead of just moving out to LA and learning it from scratch, when I was young enough to be able to do so and could have lived with my folks.

I used to think a lot of this was due to fear, but it wasn't really. It was usually just the easier path, and I always knew I could retreat if things got to be too bad. Like they did in NYC after I was accepted to NYU's Graduate School of Film. Like what happened the first time I moved to LA, years later. 

Both of those would have been work, and while I claimed I had an attack of ego over NYU, then swore part of it was due to fear...it was really just a blank inability in my brain to consider ways to make it come together for me. Either time. I had no real plan. I'd just gone feet-first into it and not liked how it didn't gel for me so paddled my ass back to shore.

On top of this, I've been an asshole so damn much, I should use it as my middle name...or my title. Asshole Kyle M Sullivan. How would you abbreviate that? As? Ash? Aho? Instead of Mr.

I never know when I'm being one. I just look back and wonder, Why the fuck did I do that or say that or act like that?

And now I'm old and in pain and cranky and cannot figure out what the fuck I was doing with my life except just tumbling from one moment to another. And hurting people as I go. Half the reason I prefer to live alone is so I can't hurt anyone or anything, anymore.

That's not a legacy to be proud of.